Bill and Sookie pull up at Sookie’s house not long after Bill glamoured the cop last episode. Sookie is pissed off about the way Bill dealt with the cop, plus she’s pretty shaken after the vampire bar. Bill says he won’t call on her again and drives away, sad. From the bushes, a dog watches, unseen. Hi there, Sam!
Someone is pounding frantically on Lafayette’s door at 3:00 a.m: it’s Tara. “Stupid fuckin’ bitch!” she shrieks at him, “When did you start dealin’ V?” She tells him how the ER had to drain Jason’s penis using a needle the size of an ice pick … twice. Lafayette promises to check on Jason in the morning.
The next morning, Adele is getting an earful from someone on the phone that does not want to have Bill speak at their church group. Sookie stomps in, full of pout. She doesn’t think she and Bill have very much in common. Her grandmother thinks that Bill could offer a nice world perspective; Sookie thinks that fine, but isn’t sure the vampire should be her boyfriend.
Later, at Lafayette’s, Jason demonstrates how the doctor lanced his johnson using a meat thermometer and a boudin sausage. “Without anesthesia,” he says pointedly. Lafayette is suitably flinchy. When Jason complains that he doesn’t know how he’ll ever look Tara in the face again either, Lafayette waves it off, saying that Tara’s been in love with Jason since she was eight – this latest escapade won’t do anything to deter that. Jason is incredulous but takes it in stride. He rails at Lafayette to stop dealing the V; Lafayette insists that, taken correctly, V will clear his head and change his world. Being a slave to his own sex drive, Jason allows Lafayette to sway him and they each do a hit of vampire blood.
At Sam’s bar, Arlene chastises Sookie about going to that vampire club, having heard it’s “all freaks … and people from Arkansas.” Sam eavesdrops unstealthily as Sookie says she isn’t going out with Bill again. He takes advantage of the situation to ask her to go with him to the “Descendants of the Glorious Dead” talk that Sookie’s grandmother has organized. The entire bar watches as Sookie first asks him if he’s asking her out, and then says yes.
Detective Andy, eating at the end of the bar, asks Sookie if it’s true that Jason and Tara were seeing each other. Sookie thinks that’s ridiculous and Andy gets immediately suspicious. Sookie corners Tara in the bathroom and asks about Jason; Tara ‘fesses up that she’s providing an alibi and then asks since when is Sookie dating Sam; Sookie gets flustered since it only just happened. She stares at her best friend and Tara does this hilarious thing where she thinks “lalalalalalalalalalalalalala” in her head so Sookie can’t hear her thoughts.
The church is packed for the DGD presentation and some attendees are concerned that the big shiny crucifix at the front of the room may cause their undead guest of honor some distress. Bill collects his thoughts in the church kitchen as folks take their seats. Jason pauses outside the church, rapturously tripping on the tab of V he took. He sits next to Tara, Sam and Sookie as Adele makes her introductions. There is a smattering of applause as Bill walks out.
He is much more personable and charming up on stage than he is one on one, talking about fighting for Louisiana in the “war for Southern Independence.” Some rednecks in the audience load up a garlic press and wave it around; Bill wrinkles his nose but carries on. Later, an audience member asks Bill if he knew his great-great grandfather who was in the same division and we get a flashback to the Civil War. The mayor speaks up, having found an old tintype photograph: a picture of Bill, his wife and children. The last time he saw them was 1862 when he went to the war, because he was turned to a vampire before he could return to them. Bill tears up a bit, looking at the photograph: his tears are bloody. The DGD talk is a success and everyone wants to shake Bill’s hand or take a photo with him afterwards.
At Sam’s bar, Jason’s trip is continuing. Tara sees it immediately but Jason starts to work his mojo on her, stroking her arm and kissing her fingers. She tries to be tough but that torch she carries burns too hot. On the other side of town, Sam and Sookie are having pie and coffee. Sam asks if she’s taken advantage of his offer to open his thoughts to her; she says no, she’s tried but his thoughts are different from other people’s – fewer words and more senses and waves of sound. IT’S BECAUSE HE’S A WEREDOG. Outside, they kiss and it’s WAY hotter than when she macked with Bill. Sookie gets a little freaked out, however, what with only just having broken up with Bill and all, and Sam gets mad that she smooched the vamp. They argue and she flounces off, leaving Sam to pout home alone.
As Bill walks up to his house, he has a vision of his wife and children waiting for him on the porch. He is interrupted by the sheriff and Andy who want to ask him some questions. Ever the gentleman, he invites them in and offers them Frescas. Hee. They ask him if he knew Maudette and Dawn; he only knew Dawn from Sam’s bar. After a few more questions, Bill asks if the women had been exsanguinated. Since neither of them was, Bill points out that vamps could not have killed them because no vampire would have been able to resist a fresh human body full of blood.
Bill gazes into the fireplace after the lawmen are gone and then we get another flashback to the end of the War, after the South surrendered. On his way home to Bon Temps, a very human and starving Bill meets up with a pretty widow. She wants to feed him more than just food but he is honorable and wants to return home to his wife. Problem is, this widow is a vampire and she muckles onto his neck, slavering and drooling as she drinks him down. When he awakens in her bed, there are moldering corpses stacked against the walls: other soldiers she has preyed upon. The widow straddles Bill, slashes her own neck and makes him drink, first reluctantly, then with greed. Modern-day Bill comes out of his fugue and starts smashing up his living room, enraged at the memory.
At the bar, Tara takes the garbage out only to find Jason doing some blonde floozy doggie-style behind the dumpsters. She upends the garbage over their heads; the floozy shrieks at Jason, “Don’t you stop!” and they keep banging away.
A cab drops Sookie at her house after the debacle date with Sam. Someone watches from the shrubs again but we don’t see if it’s the dog again. Sookie goes into the kitchen and HOLY SHIT: Grandma Adele is dead on the kitchen floor, her throat slashed and blood everywhere. I did not see that coming, I tell you what!
Next time on True Blood / previously on True Blood
35 minutes ago