Holy shit - season 8? How is it possible that I have been watching this ridiculous show for that long? I can't believe I've stuck with it - I'm really only in it for Daryl, Carol, Morgan and Shiva the CGI tiger. Sometimes Maggie, now that she's become a badass. Unfortunately, there's not quite enough of any of them in this S8 opener. Anyway, the three communities - Alexandria, Hilltop and the Kingdom - have banded together and are going to war with Negan.
First scene: Rick outside somewhere, sweaty, beaten-looking, dazed. Next: a well-put together house with Weird Al's "Another One Rides the Bus" playing faintly in the background for some reason, and Old Man Rick, with grey hair and a truly HORRIFIC beard, opening his eyes in bed, fresh flowers on the bedside table. It appears we will be having flash-forwards this season. Sigh.
In the now, there are lots of preparations going on for this here upcoming war. Blacksmithing and welding; Carol and Tara up on a building or overpass, timing a herd of walkers; Daryl and Dwight exchanging sneaky messages via arrow ("TOMORROW"); Rick (and later King Ezekiel and Maggie) making awful speeches. Seriously: the writers cannot do an uplifting speech to save their lives. Blah blah blah "We start tomorrow right now ..." UGH. Just start shooting some shit already, would you?
Really, that's what most of this episode is: everyone gearing up. There's a scene with Carl out searching for gasoline and getting spooked by an unseen person who sounds slightly unhinged but harmless, until Rick pops up, shooting into the air and chasing that person off. Carl gives his dad an exasperated look and Rick's all, what? I shot over his head - I hope he'll be okay. Carl: Hope isn't enough anymore, dad.
Part of the preparations are picking off Negan's various lookouts and I now remember that Morgan is killing again (after that Kingdom kid from the end of last season), as he stabs a Savior in the back with the sharpened end of his staff. Father Gabriel and Rick have a brief heart-to-heart. Rick says goodbye to Judith - who has grown from a baby to a toddler seemingly overnight - and then kisses Michonne (and honest to God that was one of the most chemistry-free smooches I've ever seen). Michonne and Carl are staying behind in Alexandria, to defend the town should it come to that. Maggie, on the other hand, is on the front line with Rick and Ezekiel, leading her Hilltoppers. She thanks Rick for showing her how to lead and he smiles, saying that's good because after this, he's following her.
Finally, it's time. Carol, Tara, Daryl and Morgan start to lead a massive herd of walkers down the highway towards the Saviors' Sanctuary. They blow shit up from time to time, the explosions drawing the herd, keeping them moving in the right direction. Then they rig an explosive boobytrap on a route they know (from Dwight's intel) the Saviors will take to investigate the explosions. A stray walker almost sets it off but Morgan scampers down and drops it, just before the Saviors drive through. The trap goes off, obliterating those Savior cars.
Another couple of flash-forwards: sweaty/sad Rick; and happy Old Man Rick, living in peace and happiness with Michonne and Carl.
Meanwhile, the main rebel contingent has driven their armor-plated cars right up to the Sanctuary, then getting out and into place, guns a-ready. They fire enough shots to draw out Negan and his upper cadre (Dwight, Simon, Gavin, Regina, Eugene) And there's a shitload of talking. Ugh. Negan talks and talks and OMIGOD WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE WITH A RIFLE JUST PICK HIM OFF? He's right there in the open, just fucking shoot him and end this shit. The Saviors would fall apart without him. But no, it's Rick's turn to start talking and he offers sanctuary to anyone - other than Negan - who surrenders.
More talking. More talking. Negan isn't even scary anymore. He's just annoying as shit, then he does something atrocious, then he's annoying. Repeat ad nauseam. Also, he drags out that asshole Gregory who proclaims that any Hilltopper who fights against Negan will be tossed out. To which Jesus snarkily shouts, "The Hilltop stands with Maggie." And Simon gets annoyed with Gregory and pushes him down a flight of stairs. Heh.
Finally, the time for talking is over and the rebels open fire. And WTF is this? They shoot out all the windows in the warehouse. Like using thousands of rounds of semiautomatic ammunition. How is this part of the plan? Does no one remember that no one is making bullets anymore? So wasteful.
Tara, Morgan and Carol split off and Daryl leads the walker herd through the streets to the Sanctuary, setting off explosions as he goes. When the walkers are about to reach the gates, Father Gabriel sets the armored RV to moving; it rolls into the fence and explodes, opening the Sanctuary up to invasion. The rebels get in their cars and drive off, except for Rick and Gabriel. Rick has Negan pinned down behind some wreckage and is wasting bullets shooting straight into the metal. Gabriel grabs him and is all, the plan is we leave now. Amazingly, Rick hears him, jumps in his armored car and drives off. Gabriel is about to follow him when he sees Gregory wailing helplessly. Abandoning the plan, Gabriel stops to pick him up. But they get pinned down and then Gregory panics, jumping in Gabriel's car and driving off, leaving the preacher stranded and alone. And here comes that herd of walkers.
At the rendezvous, Rick and Daryl are all, I don't think Gabriel's going to make it. They stick to the plan and everyone moves off, heading to the next stage. Which is taking out Savior outposts; Morgan and Tara lead one team, Rick and Daryl another, Carol and Ezekiel a third. The good guys may start taking some casualties in this phase but we'll have to wait until next week to find out.
Back at the Sanctuary, walkers flood in. Gabriel manages to hide in a storage trailer but unluckily for him, that's where Negan has taken refuge too. I'm guessing something atrocious may happen soon.
Flash-forwards: Alexandria is getting ready for a festival and Judith drags her dad outside. He has a limp, uses a cane and is wearing pajamas and a bathrobe. And then it's sweaty, dazed Rick, sitting under a tree with a framed piece of stained glass above him, muttering about mercy.
We close with now-Rick, speechifying: "If we start tomorrow right now, no matter what comes next, we've won. We've already won!" What the fuck does that even mean? It's borderline incoherent. This show ...
Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead
P.S. If only they would make a full series of this, I would switch over in a minute:
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