Thursday, May 30, 2013

True Blood episode recap "Me and the Devil" S4E5

Correction from last recap:  Tommy doesn't actually kill his parents until this episode.  It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things but I thought I should admit the error (but am too lazy to go back and edit the post.)  Tommy feels pretty badly about killing his momma.  Joe Lee, not so much.

After Marnie cursed Pam and Pam ran off, Lafayette and Tara are terrified that they've just gone and pissed off yet another vampire.  Marnie says that the witch spirit took her over - it wasn't her fault.  On the other side of town, Hoyt and Jessica get Jason back to his house and put him to bed.  Jessica is acting a little distant so Hoyt decides to stay and watch over his best buddy and sends her on home.  Over at Sookie's house, Eric has a dream about Godric which upsets him so Sookie snuggles with him to calm him down.  She does find this whole situation a little funny, given Eric's real personality.  I don't find it funny: I find it boring and gross. I like evil, sexy Eric.

Pam goes to see Bill, her poor, rotting face covered in a veil.  Bill: "Oh good, the world needs more beekeepers."  Heh.  Then she shows him what's happened to her and asks permission to torture and kill the "mousy little bitch who cast this spell."  He says his hands are tied since the Vampire Authority has forbidden any vampire-on-human violence.  Pam whimpers, frustrated.

Tommy goes to Sam, his parents' bodies in the back of his van.  Sam agrees to help him hide them.  They decide to sink the bodies in the swamp but Andy Bellefleur pulls them over because he's kind of an ass.  He sweats Sam a little bit while Tommy hides in the van.  When Andy yanks open the van doors, Tommy has cleverly shifted into a big ol' cranky gator which scares the sheriff.  Sam says that he found that gator by his dumpster and is taking it back to the swamp where it belongs.  Andy lets him go without question.  The brothers dispose of Melinda and Joe Lee's bodies with no further problems. That was actually a great, funny scene.

While waitressing, Sookie reads Holly's mind and learns Marnie's name.  After her shift,  Sookie stops by the Moongoddess Emporium and badgers Marnie into giving her a psychic reading.  She mind-reads the witch a bit, learning that Gran's spirit is hovering nearby, warning her granddaughter to stay away from this woman.  Sookie always listens to her Gran (or so she claims) and books it on out of there.  Meanwhile, Jason learns that tomorrow night is a full moon and he's afraid he's going to turn into a werepanther.

Bill's goons go to the Moongoddess Emporium and snatch Marnie, bringing her back to the cells in the basement of Bill's mansion.  Once there, she gets another flashback/vision of that Spanish witch, the spirit who keeps possessing her; in the flashback, vampires dressed as Catholic priests rape and feed off the witches.  It's pretty grim.  Afterwards, Bill questions Marnie via the intercom system but she can't explain how she enchanted Eric and Pam.  He tries glamouring her.  No luck - she still doesn't know how the spirit did it.

Jesus and Lafayette travel to Mexico to see Jesus's scary brujo grandfather, hoping he can help them access their powers to combat the dark forces up in Bon Temps.  Back up in Louisiana, the alpha of the Shreveport  wolfpack, Marcus, stops by Alcide's house and makes his presence known, saying Alcide needs to register with the pack.  Alcide says he's currently exploring free agency and sends Marcus packing, so to speak.  Debbie wants to check out the pack, however.

As Terry and Arlene snuggle post-coitally, a pack of matchs on the mantle spontaneously bursts into flame.  Also, Jason has a sex dream about Jessica which starts out well enough ... and then dream-Hoyt pops up to observe and commentate ... and then dream-Jessica morphs into Hoyt writhing on top of Jason.  Jason wakes up: "Oh my gravy!"  OH MY HELL schmoopy Eric asks Sookie, why do you like me when I was such an awful person, and Sookie is all, I knew you could change and I like it.  BLECH.  Then they start making out and the music crescendos cheesily.

Bill assembles the four remaining Louisiana vampire sheriffs and tells them about the witch issue.  One of the sheriffs was in Spain in 1610 when Marnie's necromancer witch, Antonia, was burned at the stake.  Whilst burning, exposits this sheriff, Antonia cast a spell that drew dozens of vampires into the sunlight to burn with her.  During this meeting, Pam lets slip that she's seen Eric and, when Bill threatens her, admits that he's with Sookie.  Bill is all GGRRRRRRRRRRR and takes off, leaving poor, rotting Pam to whisper, "I'm sorry, Eric!"

Tommy's understanding of what's in the Ten Commandments:  "Don't kill shit.  And don't fuck with your parents."  That should be on a t-shirt.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Sunday, May 26, 2013

True Blood episode recap "I'm Alive and On Fire" S4E4

Sookie tries to get Eric to come back in the house since it'll be dawn soon, but he's drunk off the faerie blood and refuses, giggling "Try and catch me!" and running off.  Bill tries to find his missing sheriff - Pam is no help - and then Nan pays him a visit, furious that he sent Eric after a bunch of Wiccans.  Bill's all, necromancers are nothing to fool with; Nan's like, I do remember the Spanish Inquisition, you know.  She tells him not to fuck this up: "How many retired kings do you know?"  Speaking of the Wiccans and the Spanish Inquisition, Marnie has a dream about a witch being burned at the stake during the Inquisition.  As she burns, the Spanish witch chants and, in her dream, Marnie memorizes the words.

Up at Hotshot, Jason has had all he can take of servicing the wimminfolk, when they send in a fourteen year old girl to breed with him.  He tells the girl that her first time should be special, with a boy she really likes who brings her presents and candy.  She seems marginally smarter than the rest of the Hotshot hillbillies and she cuts him free.  It doesn't take long for Felton to learn of Jason's escape; he shifts into his panther and takes off after Stackhouse.

Alcide shows up to help Sookie track down the truant Eric, wondering how the vampire can be out and about in broad daylight.  Sookie: It's a long story.  He strips down - seriously, that man's body is unfriggingbelievable - shifts into his wolf and sets on Eric's trail.  They find Eric swimming in a gator pond.  The wolf and the vampire get all macho and snarly at each other and Sookie just rolls her eyes.  Then the faerie blood starts wearing off: Eric turns sunburn-red and staggers out of the pond.  Sookie covers him with a blanket and tells him to run for home.  I had to pause the frame on naked Joe Manganiello for a while there.

Meanwhile, Tara, Jesus and Lafayette ask Marnie to come with them to reverse the spell on Eric.  She says she can't - it was the witch-spirit's spell, not hers.  She suggests that they look in her spell books.  Also meanwhile, Tommy goes back to his white trash parents.  Melinda says that she left Joe Lee for good but it's a lie: Joe Lee lunges out of the underbrush and raps a chain around Tommy's neck, saying that they need him for the dog fights as Melinda is too old.  I don't understand why Tommy doesn't shift into a snake or a bee or something and get away.  Finally, Tommy loses it, fighting back.  He beats Joe Lee to death and when his mother tries to stop him, he accidentally kills her too.  Also meanwhile, Sam stops by Luna's house and learns that she has a daughter.  Fortunately, Sam really likes kids.

Sookie tucks Eric into his bunker.  He is sad, missing the sunlight, and asks her to stay with him.  Can't, she chirps, got human stuff to do!  Outside, Alcide is all, Eric can't stay here with you - he's a killer.  Sookie: Um, Debbie Pelt is an addict and an attempted murderer and she's staying at your house.  They agree to disagree about each other's life choices and hug it out.  When Alcide gets home, Debbie can tell that he shifted today and asks him about it.  He tells her what happened and she gets a little jealous about Alcide's friendship with Sookie.

Jason runs through the woods, climbs a tree and sharpens a stick.  Behind him, the Felton-panther snarls.  When the panther finally catches up, Jason stabs it in the neck with his spear.  The panther shifts back to Felton and dies.  Crystal-panther runs up and shifts back to human.  Jason's all, don't fuckin' touch me, you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me!  He limps off, leaving crazy Crystal behind. I would be fine if that's the last we see of those Hotshot wackadoos.  Later that night, Hoyt and Jessica find Jason passed out on the side of the road.  Jessica bites her own wrist and feeds Jason her blood, healing him.

Sookie goes downstairs to check on Eric who is sad and mopey.  He tries, "If you kiss me, I promise to be happy."  They almost smooch but Eric senses someone upstairs.  Sookie goes up to the door and it's Bill.  He's looking for Eric but Sookie lies that he's gone and refuses to let Bill and his goon squad in the house. Over at Terry and Arlene's, everyone gets freaked out when mysterious writing appears on the wall: BABY NOT YOURS.

At the Moongoddess Emporium, one of Marnie's spirits points out the book they need.  They go out to the woods to do the spell.  Pam is there, looking particularly cleavage-y and fierce.  Marnie starts the spell ... but  the witch spirit takes over and casts a different curse, on Pam this time, causing her flesh to rot off her face. Poor Pam shrieks and runs for home.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

True Blood episode recap "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'" S4E3

Sookie has not quite figured out that Eric is not himself - she doesn't get it until he lunges at her through the window.  She runs and he chases her and then she punches him in the nose, shouting "I am not your fucking dinner!"  He pouts that she broke his nose and then calls her "Snooki" (heh), then says that he knows he's a vampire but doesn't remember who he is.  He tells her about the witch and the chanting and how everything he was was taken from him.  Sookie says she'll help him deal with this but: "You do not touch me and you certainly do not bite me."  He agrees to her terms.

Back at the Moongoddess Emporium, everyone is freaking out, not realizing that Eric has been ensorcelled - Marnie can't remember what she did to make the vampire leave.  Oh, for chrissakes: over at Hotshot, the hillbillies sit around a campfire, eating raw meat and talking about their werepanther folklore, all sorts of "Ghost-momma/Ghost-daddy" bullshit.  What. The. Fuck.  This is so stupid.  And if Jason turns into a werepanther, plus with Lafayette being a witch, there will basically be no real humans left in Bon Temps at all.  Jessica stops by the mansion to see Bill, and confesses to cheating on Hoyt.  Her maker tells her that she needs to talk to her boyfriend about it.  Jessica: "I hate my life."  She goes home and immediately tells Hoyt about drinking that fangbanger.  He's so upset, hurt and furious.  She can't stand that she hurt him so she glamours him, taking away his pain and the memory of what she did.

Sookie calls Pam to tell her that Eric seems to not be remembering much; Pam drops everything and races over.  When she bursts in, Eric jumps up, all "Who the fuck's she?" Pam: "Fuck.  Fuck!  What do you remember about me?"  Eric doesn't remember anything and Pam freaks out, saying he's vulnerable and will need protection - and don't tell Bill because it's possible that Bill set Eric up, sending him after those witches. Sookie promises to keep Eric here with her.  Later, after dressing Eric in Jason's old athletic shorts and a cut-off shirt (he looks like a fool in that outfit), Sookie takes him downstairs to the bunker under her house so he'll be safe when the sun comes up.

Here's another storyline I don't care about: Sheriff Andy Bellefleur being a V addict.  It makes him feel brave, powerful, together, not a yammering spaz.  In the morning, Sookie goes to Shreveport to see Alcide who is living there now.  She tries to get him to take care of Eric but she gets spooked when Debbie shows up, bearing white trash appetizers (Vienna sausages, for example).  Debbie asks for Sookie's forgiveness (for trying to kill her last season), saying she's been clean and sober for over a year.  Sookie's all, yeah, okay, I gotta go.

Here's yet another storyline I don't care about:  Tommy finds out that a mineral company might want to buy Maxine Fortinberry's natural gas rights.  He tries to rope Sam into helping him swindle Maxine but Sam, obviously, refuses.  Back up at Hotshot, Jason is in rough shape from the panther bites, all burning up with fever.  Crystal says that means the panther in him is taking hold.  She gives him some Mexican Viagra and kisses him.  He passes out; when he comes to, she's on top of him, riding him hard.  Behind her, all the other Hotshot womenfolk are lined up, waiting for their turns.

Lafayette goes to Fangtasia to beg for Eric's forgiveness, not knowing what happened.  Pam throws him in the basement dungeon but Tara and Jesus rescue him, saying they can bring Marnie to her to reverse the spell.  Pam: "I'll give you twenty-four hours to bring that witch to me - and then I'll personally eat, fuck and kill each one of you."  I adore Pam.  Back at the Moongoddess Emporium, Marnie communes with the spirits, looking for the one who helped her with Eric.  Her accent, supposed to be Southern, is all over the frigging place.

That night, Sookie's faerie godmother pays her a visit, trying to get her to return to the faerie land.  Sookie refuses and then Eric appears, on top of the faerie, draining her dry.  The faerie dies, exploding into sparkles.  "You just killed my faerie godmother!" shouts Sookie.  Eric, wiping his lips, not at all sorry: "Sorry."

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

True Blood episode recap "You Smell Like Dinner" S4E2

When Jason comes to, he's tied to a bed in one of the Hotshot shacks.  Crystal and Felton, her "brother-husband," can't have kids (Felton is shooting blanks) so they've nominated Jason as the new baby daddy.  But they want him to be a werepanther first too, to keep the strain pure, so they shift into their panther forms and start chewing on him.

Eric tells Sookie that she'll need protection if more vampires figure out how tasty her blood is.  She thinks she can protect herself.  Over at Bill's mansion, the new King is concerned about the new necromancer in town, but not so concerned that he can't bang (and bite) his little informant.  Sookie shows up and tells Bill that she doesn't want to be Eric's human.  He can't promise her anything but says he'll work on it, advising her to stay in another human's home where Eric can't come in.  After she leaves, we get a flashback to 1982 when Bill met Nan Flanagan for the first time, as she recruited him to infiltrate the monarchies and sow dissent, trying to get vampires mainstreamed.  [That seems like it might be a little bit of retconning right there.]

As Hoyt and Jessica leave Fangtasia, anti-vamp protesters hassle them.  Hoyt gets beaten up but Jessica can't even come to his defense because Bill has forbidden vampires to hurt humans these days, trying to rehabilitate the vamp image.  After the shape-shifter run, Sam has the hots for one of the women, "Luna" (who I think was on BSG before); she almost kisses him but runs off instead. Later, the next day, she stops by the bar and they make out a little.  On the witch front, Lafayette expresses his doubts about joining Marnie's coven to Jesus.

When Sookie gets home, Tara is there waiting for her.  They catch up over ice cream in the living room, where Sookie discovers the below-ground bunker Eric has installed for himself, the entrance tucked away in a big armoire.  Sookie, outraged:  "Motherfucker!"  Hoyt is still banged up from the night before and he refuses to take any of Jessica's blood, so she says she'll go on an Advil run.  She takes a detour to Fangtasia instead.

Bill summons Eric and tells him about the necromancer at Moongoddess Emporium, sending the sheriff there to deal with it personally.  Eric says he'll go tonight because necromancers are Very Scary to the living dead. Then we get a flashback to the Bill vs. Queen Sophie-Ann fight.  The Queen is stronger than Bill but he brought a squadron of human snipers, compliments of the American Vampire League: wooden bullets with a silver core.  The snipers obliterate Sophie-Ann as she snarls, "You fucking traitor!"  And Nan saunters in and crowns her boy King Bill of Louisiana in the name of the Vampire Authority.

Sookie also goes to Fangtasia to try to convince Pam to get Eric off her case.  Pam won't hear of it:  "With what you are, Faerie Princess, you need to be somebody's or you won't be, at all.  Eric's handsome and rich and, in his own way, he really cares about you."  When Jessica gets to the club, she immediately hooks up with that fangbanger from last episode.

Tara accompanies Lafayette and Jesus to the coven meeting.  When Marnie announces that the next thing they're going to bring back is a person - raise a dead person - everyone freaks out.  Tara, Lafayette and Jesus are all, no effing way, we're out of here.  Lafayette asks, "Where the hell you gonna get a dead body?" and just like that, the shop doors blow open and Eric is standing there.  Lafayette, remembering his time in Eric's dungeon, is all, sheeee-yit.  Eric tells the witches that this is the last time their coven is allowed to meet.  Marnie gets wishywashily in his face so Eric grabs her and starts snacking.  The rest of the group joins hands and starts chanting.  Eric throws Marnie aside and then the magic kicks in: the lights go out, Marnie chants in Latin and her eyes glow.  Eric is transfixed and then, eyes wide, he runs away.

At Sam's "anger management" meeting, we learn that shifters can change into any other animal but can only change into other people when they've killed someone they love - this is called "skin-walking."  It turns out that Luna's mother died giving birth to her and Luna once skin-walked into her mother.  It was a horrible experience and she got extremely sick afterwards.  They hear a rustling in the bushes and realize another shifter is spying on them.  It's Tommy, of course.  Sam chases him down and they shout at each other for a while until Tommy says he just wants them to be brothers.  Sam's like, okay, but we're gonna have to learn how to trust each other.

As Sookie drives back to Bon Temps from Fangtasia, she is astonished to see Eric, shirtless and barefoot, walking on the side of  the road.  When she speaks to him, he doesn't recognize her (and his hair is also dorky: this is the beginning of Schmoopy, Lame Eric) and asks, "Why do you smell so good?"

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Sunday, May 5, 2013

True Blood episode recap "She's Not There" (S4E1)

Despite how annoyed I got with S3 of True Blood, my prior annoyance pales in comparison to my annoyance with S4 which I think is the weakest season thus far.  It's got a terrible Big Bad - the Irish actress, Fiona Shaw, is supposed to be a great stage actress but she's given crap-all to do here as a witch, plus her accent is appalling - and Eric, who is normally one of the best things about this show, is all schmoopy and amnesiac for most of the season.  Ugh.  I just don't think I can do detailed, blow-by-blow recaps this time.  Broad strokes are the best you'll get for this season, I'm afraid.

At the end of S3, Sookie was taken to Faerie Land.  There, it's all soft pink light and pretty people and glittery fruit to eat, and Sookie gets to see her granddaddy (Gary Cole) who disappeared twenty years ago.  But it's not really as lovely as it seems: time passes differently there and Mab, the Faerie Queen, who gets about a minute of screen time, is actually pretty nasty, trying to trap any humans with any trace of faerie blood there.  Sookie sees through the faeries' glamour to their twisted visages underneath and manages to flee back to the earthly realm, taking Granddaddy with her.  He dies shortly thereafter and Sookie cries.  The death scene was actually nicely done.

When Sookie goes back to her house, she is surprised to see workmen there.  She goes inside over their protests that it's not her house.  The workmen call the cops and it's Jason, now a deputy, who shows up.  He tells his sister that while she was only gone for fifteen minutes in her time, over a year has passed in Bon Temps.  He thought she was dead so he sold the house to some real estate developer, hence the workmen.  As soon as the sun sets, both Bill and Eric show up at the house.  Bill moans about how he thought Sookie had died; Eric says he never gave up on her; Bill orders Eric to leave; and, surprisingly, the Viking does.  Sookie reminds Bill that even though a year has passed, to her it was only an hour ago that he broke her heart.  He says he understands and takes his leave.

Meanwhile, Jesus has convinced Lafayette to join him at his coven meeting at "Moongoddess Emporium."  Lafayette isn't really interested, saying he's only staying five minutes, "Ten, if they got drinks."  Holly the Merlotte's waitress is a member of the coven, plus a bunch of stereotypical New Age flakes.  The coven is headed up by Marnie, who is weird but can apparently contact spirits for real.

Terry and Arlene are now married and Arlene has had her baby, but she is convinced that since the baby's father was Rene, the baby may be Evil.  Terry, for once, is the voice of reason, saying Mikey is just a baby who needs their love.  On the other side of town, Hoyt and Jessica are enduring a rough patch: he's feeling underappreciated and would like her to cook dinner for him; she reminds him that to her, eating dead stuff is gross.  Hilarously, she slams about a dozen eggs into a skillet, just barely frying them before thrusting the pan at Hoyt.  He gamely shovels a few runny mouthfuls in, shells and all (eeeeeeeuuuuuuuwwwwwww), before she stops him, giggling.  In other news: Tara is now living in New Orleans under a fake name, kicking ass as an ultimate fighter and shacking up in a serious lesbian relationship.  Her girlfriend is pretty hot.

Down in Shreveport at Fangtasia, Nan is doing vampire damage control in the wake of Russell Covington's reign of terror, interviewing Pam and Eric for broadcast.  Pam can't be bothered and is totally, wonderfully bitchy.  Eric is smooth, of course.

The next morning, Sookie swings by Merlotte's and sees Arlene, Terry and Lafayette.  Sam is a little cold to her but gives her a part-time shift.  Jesus stops by too to try to get Lafayette to give the coven another try, to explore the gift he has.  Andy Bellefleur interrupts, looking for some V: he's the current sheriff and has a V addiction, but says he needs it for evidence.  But Lafayette doesn't deal that shit anymore and Andy gets aggressive until Jason comes in and drags him off.  Out in the restaurant, Hoyt's momma, Miz Fortenberry, has pretty much adopted Tommy, whose leg is in a brace since Sam shot him in S3E12.  She likes to have a boy in the house since she kicked Hoyt out for shacking up with Jessica.  Lafayette texts Tara to let her know that Sookie has returned; Tara lies to her girlfriend about it, saying that her grandmother in Atlanta died.

Hoyt and Jessica go out for date night to Fangtasia.  Jess is tempted when a fang-banger hits on her - she's struggling to stay committed to her human boyfriend.  Pam confronts her in the ladies' room.  Pam, referring to Hoyt: "That tree in the plaid shirt, it has a name?"  Pam tells the younger vampire that she has no reason to feel guilty about her urges: she's a hunter by nature and it's unnatural for her to be in a monogamous relationship with a human.  Jessica insists that she loves Hoyt.

Sam is going to an "anger management group," which is really just a bunch of sexy shape-shifters who drink expensive wine, eat fancy food, strip naked and run through the woods as a herd of horses to blow off steam.  Jason is still looking after the inbred were-panthers up at Hot Shot, bringing them food to eat.  Problem is, at his latest delivery, they knock him on the head and lock him in an empty freezer.

At the coven meeting, mumble-mouthed Marnie mourns her dead parrot, and then tries to resurrect the dead bird, only succeeding when a reluctant Lafayette joins the circle.  This power over the dead is pretty big magic, more than the rest of the group was expecting.  Afterwards, one of the women in the coven goes to Bill's mansion: she reports to him that there's a necromancer in town, something vampires should be concerned about.  Why is she reporting to Bill?  Because he is now King of Louisiana - apparently he killed Sophie Ann in their fight at the end of S3E12.

Eric shows up in Sookie's bedroom just as she's getting out of the shower.  He lasciviously checks her out, then hands her a house key.  He's the one who bought her house:  "If I own your house, I own you."

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood