Book review: The Heroes by Joe Abercrombie

The Heroes, by Joe Abercrombie, is a magnificent high fantasy novel.  Taking place over the course of about three rain- and blood-soaked days, the story covers the battle for the control of the North: Black Dow and his scruffy, scary War Chiefs hoping to gain some more ground to the south, and the well-armored, rich Union armies unwilling to let them encroach any further.  There are three main characters - Bremer dan Gorst (Union), a disgraced but lethal fighter; Curnden Craw, the North's last honest man who just wants to retire; and clever "Prince" Calder, devious coward and world-class smirker - but the cast numbers in the thousands, most of whom get slaughtered.  There are, I believe, exactly four women with speaking parts in this book - there's not a lot of room for women in this war.

And what a war!  The Heroes is a brutal, bloody battle fantasy that is clear in its belief that there are no heroes in war, only lives wasted.  There are no elves or unicorns in this fantasy novel; there's hardly any magic.  What there is is battle.  Abercrombie writes the most incredible, visceral and easily-pictured battle scenes I've ever read: I got the idea of reading the book in the first place from a mention in an A.V. Club article that posited that a scene with Gorst and Calder's brother meeting to fight on a bridge was one of the writer's favorite pop culture moment of the year.  And yes, that scene very nearly lives up to the hype (although my favorite scene - discussed in this A.V. Club review - begins with one unknown, very minor character who gets killed after several pages and then the viewpoint switches to the guy who killed him, until that guy gets killed and the viewpoint switches to his killer, and on and on.  In addition, this book is very funny: twisted, dark and British-dry.  I laughed out loud several times.  When's the last time that happened in a high fantasy novel (that wasn't written by Terry Pratchett)?

In case you couldn't tell, I really, really liked this one.  The Heroes is my first Joe Abercrombie novel, but it won't be my last.  I've already gotten Best Served Cold, his other stand-alone novel set in the land of The First Law trilogy (this time starring a girl!) and I can't wait to start it.

Mini movie review: Sherlock Holmes (2009)

Quite frankly, after all the rave reviews I was expecting more out of Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes.  It seemed a little over-long; it wasn't as clever or as funny as my favorite Ritchie films (Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch); I often couldn't understand what Robert Downey Jr. was saying in his British-accented mumbling; and it was slow in spots, which surprised me.  The movie did stay true to some of Holmes's iconic traits - the disguises, the ahead-of-its-time forensic science, the inscrutable logic, the disheveled residence, the pipe-smoking and arrogant manner; it only alluded to his drug-use (being a PG-13 movie and all) by having Watson (Jude Law, pretty good here altho' much more manly and prone to fisticuffs than the original) look with disapproval over possible drug paraphernalia, as well as having Holmes wake up woozy on several occasions.  The actual story doesn't matter all that much, but it involves possible black magic, secret societies and Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams, slightly annoying) playing a double agent in the employ of an unseen Moriarty.

I'll give it a rating of okay to middling good, I guess.  On the plus side, Mr. Mouse did manage to stay awake for the entire 120 minutes of the movie, and that's saying something.

I am shocked, shocked, I tell you*

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, word is that the U.S. is going to try to remake the wonderful British sci-fi hit, Misfits (available on Hulu) [link is to S2E4, a good one, but start from the beginning], because Americans never met a good foreign t.v./movie idea they didn't try to commandeer and ruin.  Josh Schwartz, creator of Gossip Girl and Chuck, is said to be behind the spec pilot.  Really?  I am a closet GG fan (first couple of seasons anyway - I haven't been keeping up) and I like Chuck as much as the next person who casually likes Chuck, but I don't think Josh Schwartz is the man for the job.  Pluswhich, a large part of Misfits' not inconsiderable charm is its vigorous and unabashed profanity and violence - which would have to be watered down to thin gruel to make it on American network television (see above re: ruin).  Bad idea, bad bad idea.  Leave my Misfits alone.

Updated - here's the S1 trailer at least:



* that's my sarcastic voice, btw

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (IV)

This is the last superhero movie for a little while, I promise.  X-Men: First Class.  Here's the thing: when this came out, in June 2011, everyone was all "Ooooooh! It's a good X-Men movie!"  But then we got to see Captain America, and we'd already seen Thor and IM2, and I just don't think XM:FC holds up.  Despite the strong cast (Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmichael Fassbender), and the sleek retro-60s setting, it's too origin-y, jumping around the world for little short scenes and never giving the audience much time to connect with anyone.  Yes, it was TONS better than the more recent X-Men fare - and I loved the Wolverine cameo, with the one f-bomb of the whole movie - but I'm thinking the Avengers line is stronger.

if fassbender was

really in charge i'd go with

magneto for sure

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (III)

Wow - Captain America: The First Avenger is really quite good.  Not only is it a decent movie in its own right (not just good for a comic book movie) but it's a solid origin tale too, showing us how Cap came to be but not getting bogged down in the mythology and giving our hero something to actually do, not just come to be.  However, as much as I liked the movie - and I think it is for sure the best of the three pre-Avenger flicks I've recently seen - I think I find the superhero at the center of the movie to be the least fun.  Steve Rogers is basically the anti-Tony Stark: innocent, decent, focused, ultra-patriotic, altruistic, stolid, non-ironic, non-sarcastic and with very little sense of humor.  He's a good man, sure, but he's not so much a fun man.  I get that they can't all be quipping wiseasses (it would be exhausting if they were) but I find Captain America just a bit boring - and I can't imagine that he and Iron Man are going to be BFFs in the upcoming Avengers flick.

his shield a beacon

all-american hero

can he tell a joke?

Book review: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

In Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus, the circus arrives without warning, popping up in fields outside of towns and cities with no advance notice.  The tents are all striped black and white; the ground is painted black and white swirls; a wrought-iron fence encloses the grounds. The circus is only open from sunset to sunrise - no exceptions - and nothing can be seen stirring behind the fence during the daylight hours.  But when dusk comes, the lights come up, making the tents glow and gleam, and the iron gates swing wide.  Le Cirque des Reves - the Circus of Dreams - is open.  It is a wonder, this Circus.  Every tent, every costume, every attraction is dressed only in shades of black and white.  There are contortionists, fortune tellers, carnival food booths, black panthers and snow leopards, aerialists and tumblers, mazes, rides, wondrously constructed clockworks.  The townfolk who come to the Circus are amazed and awestruck, and many come back again and again.

The Circus is not just entertainment, however.  It is also the battleground between two magicians who have been set against each other by their mentors, who themselves are ancient competitors.  Pretty Celia is the Circus's resident illusionist; overflowing with natural talent, her particular skill is manipulating inanimate objects - honed when, as a child, her father sliced open her fingertips over and over again, forcing her to learn to heal herself quickly.  Marco's magic has been studied and learned: his patron plucked him from an orphanage and isolated him with nothing but books for company.  He is strong in compulsion and visual illusion and now helps to manage the day-to-day operations of the Circus.  At first Celia and Marco do not know the other to be their opponent but after a few meetings figure it out.  A few meetings after that, they fall in love with each other, much to their patrons' chagrin - which only complicates things when they learn that this magical duel they have been bound to will result in the death of one of them.  What makes it even worse is that their fates are inextricably linked with the Circus and all its members.

I struggled a little bit at first with The Night Circus.  The novel keeps the reader at a distance, partly because it is set 1873-1903, partly because it is written in the third person/present tense, partly because the chapters skip around in the timeline and it can be difficult to keep track of  what has happened, partly because the author maintains a fair amount of reserve and doesn't delve too deeply into her characters' heads.  But I warmed to it, in large part because the descriptions of the circus are charming and because I wanted to believe in a magical circus - I would love to see Le Cirque des Reves.  In The Night Circus, magic is real.

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (II)

As you can see, I'm trying to work my way through the back catalog before Joss Whedon's The Avengers comes out, whenever that is.  So I watched Thor the other night:

sweet well-muscled oaf

ride the Rainbow Bridge 'cuz I

can do CPR

Am I on a roll or what?

Mini movie review: Horrible Bosses

As you know, I am constantly looking for movies that both Mr. Mouse and I enjoy.  And by "constantly" I mean "every now and again when Mr. Mouse demands that I rent something other than horror or fantasy or science fiction."  I know that he likes dumb comedies, like 40 Year Old Virgin, Anchorman and The Hangover; I know he likes 90 minute movies; and I also know that he likes Jennifer Aniston.  So I got us Horrible Bosses, which pretty much hits all three categories.

The plot is not particularly complicated.  Three friends - Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day - are plagued by evil, nasty, horrible bosses at their respective jobs.  After all but promising Bateman a promotion, and subjecting him to terrible head games, Kevin Spacey snatches said promotion away at the last minute, pocketing the money and humiliating him in front of the company.  When the affable owner of the chemical company at which Sudeikis works dies, his idiot cokehead son, Colin Farrell in a prosthetic comb-over, takes over, threatening to run the company into the ground and liquidate all its assets to fund his various vices.  Dental assistant Day is subjected to overt sexual harassment by his hot and horny dentist boss, Jennifer Aniston; his friends don't think he has much of a problem really, because they've seen what she looks like, but her behavior is pretty appalling.  When the guys have had all they can take, they hire ex-con Jamie Foxx to teach them how to kill the bosses.

The best part of this movie is the bosses, each actor chewing the scenery like crazy and clearly enjoying themselves.  Farrell, who gets the least screen time, is pretty funny - ignorant, brash, homely as hell.  Aniston is fun too: talking wicked dirty and cussing up a storm, getting nearly (but not quite) naked.  I think Mr. Mouse enjoyed her scenes.  I found Charlie Day's character extremely funny for some reason, although I don't usually like such shrill performances.  I don't know if it was the lines or his delivery, but he made me laugh out loud quite a lot; I may have to check out Always Sunny in Philadelphia to see if he holds up.

Horrible Bosses is not fantastic cinema, but it's short (97 minutes) and entertaining enough.  You could certainly do worse, if you're in the mood for a dumb R-rated comedy.

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime

I finished up preparing for Christmas last weekend - tree up and lit, presents wrapped and sent, card signed and mailed, cookies baked - and I'm feeling so happy about being done with it all that I cannot be bothered to put together a Christmasy post this year.  What I can do, however, is link to winter holiday-themed past posts and invite you to browse, if you are so inclined.

Christmas Spirits
New Christmas Cookie Recipe
More Cookie Recipes
Dog Cookie Recipes (because I always make homemade dog biscuits for Xmas)

There.  Ho ho ho, y'all!

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (I)

Whoa - how'd that week get away from me?  I fully intended to post something sooner and instead I went and neglected this poor little blog.  Sorry!

In any event, it's time to start a new series (or mini-series, depends on how many I manage to do - for example, haven't gotten very far with my Read It Watch It Watch It Again project) called Bad Haiku about: [some subject].  In this case, it's about a superhero movie, Iron Man 2.  I'm doing this because I recently watched IM2 and really should do a post about it, since that's what this blog is all about, but I don't have much to say about it pluswhich everyone in the world has already watched the dang movie and what do I really have to say that's new?  Nothing but bad haiku, that's what.

frantic and busy

not as good as the first one

liked Mickey's whips tho'

That's some good stuff right there.