Thirteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #11 Hellraiser (2022)

Another remake of a 1980s horror classic: Hellraiser.  We start at a hedonistic rich people's party, where the host, Mr. Voight, has nearly solved a puzzle box.  He sacrifices a pretty, vapid youth in an attempt to [make contact with the Cenobites because if you're watching this remake, chances are you've seen at least one of the vastly superior original movies and know WTF is going on].  

Six years later, deadbeat Riley (kind of a druggie mess and fighting with her big brother, her only remaining family) and boyfriend Trevor break into a storage facility.  They're hoping to score bit but all they find is that puzzle box.  Riley is drawn to it and begins figuring it out.  When the Cenobites arrive, they take her brother - who had gotten stabbed by the box's spike trying to revive his passed out sister - and she starts investigating the box further.  This leads her - and Trevor, and her brother's boyfriend and their roommate - to Voight's abandoned (or is it?) mansion.  The gang starts getting picked off as the Cenobites surround them, edging ever closer to ... whatever the hell it is that these creatures want.  It's really not clear (or if it was clear, I wasn't paying attention): whoever solves the puzzle box gets a reward, except that the rewards are really pain and punishment and a perfect example of be careful what you wish for.

I was not impressed with this remake of Hellraiser (although it makes the Evil Dead remake much better in comparison).  I did like the idea of a gender-bent Pinhead (Jamie Clayton, Sens8) but (1) the pins didn't go all the way around her head, (2) her distorted voice was very difficult to understand and (3) she just wasn't menacing like the OG - she just seemed small.  In fact, all the new Cenobite designs were inferior to the original: it looked fake and overdone, not seductively ominous in black leather and piercings.  Although, just like in the original, the chattery-teeth Cenobite was my favorite.

Verdict:  Gory, oh yes, but neither creepy nor scary and the Cenobites sucked.