Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #5 Lifeforce

Tobe Hooper's 1985 Lifeforce.  With a portentous voiceover to start, I was in love before the opening credits finished: with both naked space vampires and PATRICK STEWART, how could this movie not be amazing?  Lifeforce is ridiculous and waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long, but it takes itself seriously and is all kinds of mid-80s awesome.  For a horror movie about space vampires.

A joint British/American space mission on board the shuttle Churchill are exploring Halley's Comet.  They find a huge (150 miles long) alien craft that is possibly organic and of course think it's smart to send people inside to check it out.  They find a bunch of dried up space bat corpses and three beautiful naked humanoids encased in crystal boxes.  The mission commander Carlsen decides to bring the box set and one desiccated space bat back to the Churchill.  When the shuttle Columbia rendezvouses with the Churchill, there has been a fire: all the crew are dead, the escape pod is missing but the box set and the dead space bat are okay.  So the crew brings them back to London.  As it turns out, the three naked humanoids are not dead.  They wake up and go on a rampage (if one can call disappearing from the screen for long periods of time a "rampage") wherein the gorgeous Space Girl (who has really great boobs) sucks the lifeforce out of all the humans she meets.  In short time, London has devolved into a madhouse as the space vampires' victims become zombies (?).  Carlsen - who escaped the Churchill in the escape pod, did I forget to mention that? - and another dude chase the space vampires across London, including to a mental hospital where PATRICK STEWART is the head doctor.  There is a lot of fuzzy space/horror "science," vampiric victims exploding into dust, a corpse made entirely out of blood pulled from PATRICK STEWART's head and an ambiguous ending with a lot of blue lightning.

Lifeforce is much too long (PATRICK STEWART doesn't even show up until 1 hour 5 minutes and 22 seconds in (I wrote it down)) and is completely nutso.  But the animatronic desiccated victim effects are outstanding - I love that stuff.  And, really, if you can't embrace a 1980s movie about naked space vampires, you should probably just go watch Beaches again, because that's probably more your thing.

Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #4 The Purge

The way this country is going, I thought it behooved me to watch a Purge movie or two, you know, for research, just in case.  I like to start at the beginning so I cued up the first one, which seems like it has been out forever but really just came out in 2013.  Filmed for only $3 million (!) and starring actual actors (!!) Ethan Hawke and Lena Headey, The Purge is really more thriller than horror but does offer some social commentary.

In a dystopian near-future, the U.S. has "solved" its crime problem: one night a year, "Purge Night," any crime is allowed with no repercussions.  People get all that violence out of their systems during those twelve hours, thus behaving themselves for the rest of the year.  Of course, the wealthy are able to barricade themselves inside fortified houses, leaving the nation's poor to bear the brunt of the beatings and bloody murder.  Hawke and Headey are one such wealthy couple - Hawke sells Purge Night security systems - whose night does not go as planned when (a) their sulky teenaged daughter's sulky boyfriend, who has snuck into their house before lockdown, brings a gun to convince Hawke to let him date the sulky daughter and (b) their angsty/geeky son opens the barricade to provide sanctuary to a homeless vet.  Their house becomes beseiged by a group of mask-wearing entitled rich kids who are pissed off that their quarry (the homeless vet) has been taken from them and, as it turns out, Hawke's vaunted security system is a whole lot less secure than they might have hoped.

Hawke and Headey do a good job with what they're given but the teen actors are boring stereotypes at best.  The homeless vet is barely onscreen enough to become a character; the masked Purgers provide some over-the-top menace.  It's violent but not particularly gruesome or scary - from what I hear, the later movies kick it up a notch.  I guess I'll find out.

Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #3 Creature from the Black Lagoon

I was too lazy to open up my computer to pull up Netflix (and we still haven't cut the cord on cable) so I thought I'd check out what free, on-demand horror movies were on offer.  I found a classic: 1954's Creature from the Black Lagoon.  An archaeologist in South America finds a webbed and clawed paw petrified in a river bank which is enough incentive to get a scientific expedition together to go up the Amazon.  A group of about eight, including white scientists and doctors, one woman, the ship's captain and some monster fodder, head upriver until the stream is too narrow to pass.  In their explorations, they manage to provoke the Creature - who had been living a peaceful existence in its lagoon until then.  The Creature picks them off one by one and carries off the lovely woman scientist until the remaining men rescue her, kill the poor Creature and head back downriver to civilization.  It's the classic King Kong scenario in which the humans are the true monsters.

This is a beautifully-shot, black and white B-movie.  At 87 minutes, it's still a little tedious: hang out on the boat; someone gets picked off by the monster; hang out on the boat; someone gets picked off by the monster; hang out on the boat; someone gets picked off by the monster.  But the underwater scenes are truly gorgeous, especially when the Creature is swimming around underneath the unsuspecting woman.  There is at least one jump scare that startled me and it's pretty well acted, all things considered.  The rubber suit of the monster, while obviously being a rubber suit, still manages to be at least a little convincing.  The whole movie is put together to elicit sympathy for the Creature who was just living its life before these dang people came and ruined everything.

Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #2 XX

In addition to being a fan of foreign/sub-titled horror films, I am also a fan of horror anthologies.  I like the intense bursts that come from short films, much like I love Stephen King's short stories.  XX is funky in that it is a collection of four horror shorts all directed by women, bookended with gothic stop motion interludes that, while they don't quite fit with the themes of the movies, are very charming.

"The Box" is the first vignette, about the disintegration of a family when a young boy stops eating after a mysterious stranger on the subway shows him what's in a gift-wrapped box.  Nothing his parents do will convince him to eat and when he tells his big sister what he saw, things get even worse.  There is some great makeup work here but I was left wanting more with the story.  Creepy and horror-tinged but not at all scary.

The second installment is "The Birthday Party," which is more of a dark comedy starring Melanie Lynskey as a tightly-wound suburban housewife determined to hide her husband's dead body (heart attack or maybe a suicide) on the date of her daughter's birthday party.  It's very stylish and nervous, and Lynskey's antics entertaining as she drags the body from room to room, trying to hide in a house with interior glass walls, but you really do wonder why she wouldn't just call the cops/paramedics upon finding him.  Not horror in the slightest.

"Don't Fall" is the most classic horror of the four - and, oddly, the one I was bored with: four hipster/stoner/city types head to the desert for a weekend of RV camping.  They find some pictographs and manage to awaken a monster, which rips its way through the four friends.  I thought the monster was pretty great but I didn't connect at all with the annoying campers.

The last short is "Her Only Living Son," a Rosemary's Baby/The Omen riff.  When Cora's son turns 18, she is dismayed to find him turning angry and violent.  She is even more dismayed when the high school principal refuses to punish Cora's son after he rips off a classmate's fingernails (yikes!), instead brushing off the incident because he's a "special, special boy."  Again, horror-tinged but not scary.  And look, motherhood can be scary: see The Babadook.

Ultimately, XX is a great idea in concept - I would love to see more women directing horror - it just falls short in execution.

Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #1 Cronos

Welcome back to the Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series!  We're going start things off all sophisticated-like with a Spanish/English-subtitled vampire movie by none other than the fantastic Guillermo del Toro.

Cronos was Guillermo del Toro's first feature film and while it doesn't pack the punch of some of his later works, many of his hallmarks are there: clockworks, insect imagery, preternaturally calm children and practical special effects.  In this elegant but not particularly scary vampire movie, an elderly antiquities dealer, Senor Jesus Gris (played by frequent del Toro collaborator Federico Luppi), discovers a strange gadget - the "Cronos device" - hidden in the base of a sculpture.  The Cronos gadget pierces his skin, filtering his blood, and although it is very painful, it rejuvenates him, de-aging and putting some spring back into his step - to the delight of his previously bored wife.  Unfortunately, a dying millionaire has sent his thuggish nephew (played by frequent collaborator Ron Perlman, looking so young here) to find this gadget.  The millionaire has the manuscript explaining how to use the Cronos device and is convinced that it will save his life.  Senor Gris and the nephew clash; the millionaire explains to Gris that he needs to drink human blood to replenish his own so the Cronos device doesn't kill him; Senor Gris is unwilling to go full-monster and dies a noble death, surrounded by his beloved granddaughter and wife.

The pace of this movie is, to say the least, languid and I will confess that I dozed off briefly at one point - and then woke up wondering why Senor Gris was wearing his suit backwards after he escaped from the morgue.  (Still don't know.)  And it isn't scary at all, with just a little blood and practical ick effects.  But the characters are engaging and anyone who has seen del Toro's later works can see his themes developing here.  Fun stuff.

Getting ready for October

With Preacher done for the season and The Walking Dead several weeks away, I am using my time to get ready for the upcoming Eighth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series!  I have already started stockpiling movies, hoping to beat last year's record of seventeen scary flicks.  Stay tuned for that - and feel free to share your favorite horror flicks in the comments.  

As an aside, are any of you watching American Horror Story: Cult?  I'd kept up with most of the previous seasons: liked Murder House well enough, enjoyed Asylum for the most part, was sort of meh about Coven, and thought Freak Show had its moments, as did Hotel.  But I gave up on Roanoke halfway through, not able to get on board with the show-within-a-show conceit (although I think I read that it got better as it went along - can anyone confirm that?).  And I completely bailed on Cult before the first episode even finished: I just couldn't take the combination of current politics and killer clowns.

So now I'm off to give SyFy's Channel Zero: No End House a shot.  I liked the first season - Candle Cove - while a bit slow in spots, it was just SO WEIRD that I really dug it.  Fingers crossed for this latest installment as we all could use a little more WEIRD in our lives.

Preacher recap S2E13 "The End of the Road" 9/11/17

Flashback.  Jesse Custer as a teenager, collecting money (and picking pockets) at the gate of Angelville, his family home, which does seances, Tarot card readings, divining and fortune telling, 'gator tours, finding lost pets, "gift shop closes at 5."  Around lunchtime, a truck comes out from the main house to give him his lunch and collect the morning's takings; when Jesse tries to hold out, one of the guys ("TC" and "Jody") grabs him and wrenches his arm.  After the truck returns to the main house, Jesse is so upset that he kills a friendly chicken that has been scratching around in the dirt.  He feels so badly about this that he runs back to the house and tearfully begs a woman - his grandmother, I presume - to make it right.  The woman reminds him that there is always a price for such a thing.  Jesse seems willing to pay it, whatever it is, as he gently lay the little carcass on the table in front of her.

Now.  Herr Starr has a plan in place to market Jesse as the new Messiah.  While Jesse isn't interested in wearing a fancy 11th century cloak, he is willing to give speeches in front of carefully selected groups.  In this case, a group of Catholic schoolkids.  When his speech is interrupted by "the Armenians" brandishing guns and knives, Jesse takes them all on.  First, he tries to use the Genesis Voice to get the men to drop their guns.  The Voice doesn't work - which takes him aback, and makes Starr raise an eyebrow - so he then resorts to fisticuffs.  Now, even though all the kids and nuns (and press, once notified) think he's a hero, the "Armenians'" guns were loaded with blanks and it was all arranged by Starr.  Jesse is displeased at being used but Starr is all, it went viral and now we're booked on Kimmel so this is how we get the word out about you.

In New Orleans, Featherstone and Hoover are packing up their apartment - they are no longer required to stake out the apartment since Jesse is on board.  Meanwhile, Cassidy is doing laundry (getting distracted by a thong of Tulip's in amongst his t-shirts).  When he puts away some of Dennis's clothes, he checks out a website on his son's laptop: it's a vampire site of sorts, with videos of screaming people.  He is transfixed for a moment before snapping out of it - it seems as though being good and not feeding on people is more difficult than he might have let on.  When Tulip comes back from shopping for their road trip to Bimini (lots of SPF100 and a value-sized jug of vodka), she sits beside him on the bed and talks to him about what's to come with the two of them.  It isn't clear that it's a fantasy until they start gettin' busy and Cassidy latches onto her neck, ripping out her throat with a big spurt of blood.  Seems as though Dennis's worse proclivities are getting into his father's head.  When Tulip REALLY comes back from shopping, she checks in on him and then goes to pack as he stares numbly out the window.  Something's gonna have to give here.

On the outskirts of Hell.  Eugene and Hitler run and run and run until they find themselves on the shore of a river.  Hitler tells Eugene to ask the ferryman (Charon) for passage out since he doesn't belong here, then get on the boat and cross over.  Eugene asks Hitler to come with him but the other man demurs.  A nervous Eugene approaches Charon who summons the boat and who generally seems like a nice guy.  So it's surprising when the Hell Administrator comes up to drag Eugene back to the cells and shoots Charon in the head with a (?) crossbow quarrel.  Then Hitler comes up behind her, knocks her out and clambers onto the boat with Eugene.  Blah blah blah  they get back to the world and when Eugene invites Hitler to come home with him and meet his dad, Hitler runs off and darts down an alleyway.  Because what this world needs now is Hitler on the loose.  Also, I am really not that interested in Eugene and Hitler's adventures.  I'm having a really hard time figuring out how this storyline connects with Jesse, Tulip, Cassidy et als.

New Orleans.  Tulip finishes packing (she packs pretty light) but on her way out to load the car, she notices one of the little spy cameras that the Grail installed in their apartment.  She shows it to Cassidy.  He wonders if they should tell Jesse but she's all, what difference would it make?  Tulip goes out to the car.  Cassidy grabs up the dog to leave but stops when Dennis finds Tulip's underwear in his room.  Dennis taunts him some and Cassidy is forced to admit that he doesn't think he can control himself with Dennis around.  So he pushes Dennis out the window, into the sunlight, and cowers inside as his vampire son dies a pretty horrible, burning death.  I'm not going to miss Dennis at all but that whole storyline just seemed a little pointless.

Cassidy and the dog join Tulip in the car, but then she gets out again and goes back inside to say goodbye to "Jenny," her only friend.  (After she goes, Cassidy lets the dog go.)  Jenny/Featherstone takes a few moments to get to the door and while she waiting, Tulip finds a trace of the same sticky gum that had been on that little spy camera.  When Jenny/Featherstone finally comes out, she's holding her revolver behind her back.  Tulip is also armed - but only with a screwdriver - and when the shit hits the fan, it's pretty obvious who's going down.

Jesse is about to board the Grail jet (to go to L.A., or wherever Kimmel is) when he gets a panicked call from Cassidy.  He rushes off - and Starr immediately gets on the phone to Featherstone and Hoover, calling them idiots and telling them to cancel the ambulance Cassidy has called.  Jesse gets back to the apartment to find Tulip bleeding out on the kitchen floor and Cassidy trying to save her.  The bullet went right through her and there is blood everywhere.  They can't stop the bleeding.  Cassidy begs Jesse to use the Voice and Jesse tries it, but it still isn't working.  A frantic Cassidy decides that the only way to save her is to turn her into a vampire but Jesse pulls him off her.  They fight, Cassidy nearly feral, as Tulip convulses and struggles to breathe.  Jesse holds Cassidy back and Tulip breathes her last as they watch.  Cassidy is all why? I could have saved her and she might not have been like Dennis.  Jesse, reluctantly, is all, there really is another way.

So then they are in Tulip's car, her lifeless body in the backseat, driving to Angelville.  The fear and sadness on Jesse's face is palpable.  Cassidy can't believe that Jesse let her die and says, "There's something I want to say.  Something I been meaning to tell you for a long time.  I hate you."  Jesse all but rolls his eyes: "You hate me now?  Just you wait."  And as they turn down the L'Angell driveway, that damn chicken runs across the road.

The tag: God is still alive, in a hotel room somewhere, jazz on the radio, dog costume hanging up, beer cans and pill bottles strewn across the rumpled bed.  We don't get to see Him, but when the toilet flushes and the bathroom door opens, the room is flooded with glory and light.

Previously on Preacher / next time on Preacher

Preacher recap S2E12 "On Your Knees" 9/4/17

We start off back in Hell, where Eugene and Hitler have landed in the Hole.  As they go into another running of Eugene's personal hell, Hitler reminds him that he has to work his way out of it so they can get out the back door.  They run through a couple of iterations - Eugene kissing Tracy and her shooting herself; Eugene turning her down and her shooting herself; the two of them agreeing to just be friends, Tracy asking to see his penis and then her shooting herself - before Eugene figures it out and gets through a scenario that doesn't end with her shooting herself.  Hitler tries to open the bedroom window but it's still stuck, so Eugene hasn't worked through everything yet.  Next: Eugene's scout leader in a furry mascot suit (who apparently abused Eugene on a camping trip (unnecessary) so Eugene shoots him); and then Eugene's dad (with a ass-face from shooting himself).  When Eugene and his dad work through their shit and tell each other "I love you," Hitler finally can get the window open and he and Eugene scarper.  I'm just really not sure how all this Eugene in Hell with Hitler stuff fits in with the larger Preacher story.

Back in Louisiana, we spend a couple of weeks with the Saint of Killers as he's stuck in that truck at the bottom of the Angelville swamp.  In flashback, we get to see him happy with his wife and child, then their deaths that sent him over the edge, etc. etc.  In the now, eventually, the Grail hauls the truck out of the swamp - replacing it with an empty one which Jesse and Tulip found last episode - and takes it to an empty warehouse.  Hoover is in charge and he leaves the Saint in there for another week, until the killer is willing to listen.  The Grail says they can't get him what he wants (entry to Heaven for eternity with his wife and daughter) but he agrees to work with them anyway.

In the New Orleans apartment, Cassidy finds Dennis poking around in his bedroom, looking for something.  The older vampire kicks his son out, then opens the wardrobe, where he has hidden the chihuahua puppy.  He gives the puppy an ear rub and tells him he'll be safe there.  I knew Dennis would want to eat that dog!  Cassidy wanders out to the kitchen where (1) Tulip is moping about Jesse and (2) Featherstone and Hoover are watching them - bored - over the CCTV.  Cassidy and Tulip are developing a nice rapport, giving each other massive amounts of shit, although Cassidy does get a little distracted by the pulse of blood coursing through the vein in her neck.  Jesse finally comes back.  He doesn't want to talk about the search for God but he's looking for a drink.  Luckily, Cassidy has a homemade "potash" in his room.

The boys head to Cassidy's room while Tulip takes out the trash.  On her way back down the hall, the Saint shows up.  She quakes for a moment then regains her mojo and launches herself at him.  Unfazed, he swats her away, knocking her into the wall and knocking her out.  The Saint stalks through the apartment (you can hear Cassidy and Jesse talking from a couple rooms away), pausing to pick a knife out of a kitchen cabinet.  He takes a smaller one than you might expect.  He pulls down a blind, then stands in the shadows, observing his quarry.  Music is coming from Dennis's room, however, and he goes to investigate.

On the balcony outside Cassidy's room, the boys are sipping at a bright green concoction in a mason jar.  Jesse chokes down a mouthful, spluttering.  Cassidy: "What? Too much Neosporin?"  Heh.  They decide to switch to beer and go back into the apartment.  Jesse notices the adjusted blind.  Behind him, Cassidy squeals as he gets tossed down the hallway.  The Saint comes in and confronts Jesse but when Jesse tries to use the Genesis Voice on him, it doesn't work for some reason.  Cassidy attacks the Saint from behind and the killer nonchalantly throws him headfirst into the built-in bookcase.  Jesse holds his own for a while with some fisticuffs, then a reawakened Tulip goes after him with a fireplace poker.  He tosses her aside again, grabs Jesse and forces him to his knees.  The Saint is just about to scalp Jesse - yikes! - when the cavalry arrives.  It's the administrators from Hell, called in by Herr Starr, and here to take the Saint back to his Hell cell.  He doesn't put up a fight because they tell him his cell is empty and must be filled - if not by him, then perhaps by his wife or daughter.  "You can't do that," he growls but the administrator shrugs: "God is gone.  Who's gonna stop me?"

As the Hell wagon drives off with the Saint, Tulip and Cassidy go off to the hospital in an ambulance.  But the logo on the ambulance reads A DIVISION OF GRAIL INDUSTRIES and it takes them to Starr's office instead.  Starr tells him the situation: Jesse is in position to become the Messiah and they're just holding him back.  "Given that the fate of the universe is at stake, how shall we proceed?" he wants to know.

On t.v., the Pope tells the faithful that God is gone, really gone.  But the Messiah, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, is poised to step up.  Jesse shuts off the television and when Tulip and Cassidy get back, with WTF looks on their faces, asks them if they want to go get breakfast.

They go to a diner and after Cassidy spins some yarn about seeing a unicorn, they get down to asking Jesse WTF.  The problem is, Jesse thinks he can do it, thinks he can be the Messiah.  And Cassidy is all, I'm not really down with this - following you around and being all glory to Lord Jesse and all does not sound that fun.  Tulip is biting her tongue but can't stop rolling her eyes.  She looks at him sadly.  "I love you, Jesse, 'til the end of the world.  But you gotta be honest with me.  What do you need us for?"  And he can't answer her.

As the Saint walks into his Hell cell, he tells the administrator, "Tell Satan I want a word."  She replies, "He'll want a word with you as well."  So that could be fun!

Jesse leaves the diner - Tulip and Cassidy already long gone - and goes to Starr's office.  He asks Starr what happens next.  Starr gets up from behind his desk and kneels at Jesse's feet, placing the preacher's hand on his bald head in benediction.  Oh, that's just going to feed Jesse's ego big time.

Previously on Preacher / next time on Preacher

Preacher recap S2E11 "Backdoors" 8/28/17

Flashback - Out in a swamp somewhere, a wooden box is being hauled to the surface.  When the box is set on the dock, it is opened and young Jesse is dragged out, blinking, sweating, dazed.  An old woman - her face obscured - asks the boy his name.  When he says "Jesse Custer," she tells her henchmen to "Put him back."  The men shove Jesse back in the box, fastening the lid down while he screams and pleads.  And then they put that wooden box back down into the swamp.  Guess it's more waterproof than I thought at first glance.

 Now - Out in a swamp somewhere, Tulip has forced Jesse to raise the truck in which he trapped the Saint of Killers.  She's pissed and a little frightened, but she seems to accept Jesse's explanation that he just couldn't send another soul to Hell.  Here's the problem:  when Jesse opens the truck up, the Saint is not inside.

Meanwhile, at Grail HQ, Featherstone and Hoover report to Starr the Jesse and Tulip goings-on, since he has tasked them with splitting the pair up.  Featherstone thinks that it would just be quicker if they could kill Jesse.  Starr explains his plan for the preacher - "The Messiah is a moron.  I understand that you might find this disappointing." - and says he wants them to join him.  Which, considering the alternative is summary execution, they do.

Hell - The administration is [ahem] administering tests to find out which of the inmates isn't supposed to be in Hell.  After his test, the fratboy is confident that he's going to be let out and he makes Eugene force Hitler to show them his worst memory-hell.  Hitler apparently used to be custodian in Hell and kept a key (keeps it up his butt, actually) and with a convenient distraction, the three of them sneak back into Hitler's cell.  When the memory-hell starts up, it's pretty banal: the restaurant is out of plum cake which Hitler finds disappointing; the art gallery owner says Hitler's paintings are mediocre; and his girl leaves him.  Afterwards, the fratboy is all, "They ran out of plum cake and you blew up Europe?"  But Hitler explains that that was the last day he was a good man and thus, that is his worst memory.

New Orleans - Cassidy has gotten Dennis a chihuahua (and I spent the whole episode waiting for Dennis to snap its neck or drink its blood, because Dennis is kind of an asshole, but he doesn't).  Cassidy and Tulip are fretting that the Saint is coming back after them and shouldn't they maybe leave or double-bolt the door or something.  Jesse's all, he's coming for me and I'll take care of it.  But it's been stressful and maybe they should get out of town for a while.  Cassidy suggests Vancouver: "It's got good meth and nice hiking."  Jesse's like, I saw this place on Youtube - it's got catamarans and topless beaches ... and Tulip and Cassidy are all SOLD.  They jump up to start packing but then Jesse puts the brakes on because "we've got to find God first."  The other two are like, nope, done that, we've looked.  Jesse breaks in and is all, "Guys, I met Jesus."  Cassidy: "Do you mean Jesus-Jesus or just some random Latino guy?"  Jesse explains that JC's twenty-fifth great-grandson is a complete imbecile and God is necessary and if they weren't so selfish, they'd want to find him too.  Tulip gets PISSED because they've pretty much done everything what Jesse wanted them to do since Texas.  Everyone is shouting at each other and in the other room, Dennis's dog is barking its little head off.  Jesse storms into Dennis's room and stares at the dog, and then he remembers the Messiah's drawings of a black and white dog, and then he remembers the dude in the dog suit and it comes to him.  The dude in the dog suit is God.  Tulip and Cassidy just stare at him and he's like, "You're not going to come with me?"  They're like, nope.  So he rushes across town, into the club, through the kitchen, down the stairs, across the alleyway and into the basement where the dude in the dog suit had been.  But the dude in the dog suit isn't there now.

Hell - Later on, as Hitler mopes on his bunk, Eugene asks Hitler if he's still willing to help him escape.  Hitler: "You trust me?"  When Eugene is called for his screening, Hitler says that he'll come for him and they'll go out through the back door, a secret door.  After the administrators have taken Eugene away, Hitler gets the attention of the other detainees, saying that he needs them to do something for him.  Fratboy is all, why would we do anything for you, plum cake? And everyone giggles.  "Because I'm ADOLF FUCKING HITLER!"

New Orleans - Jesse is at a loss and goes to see Starr to see if he's got any information.  Even when he uses the Genesis Voice, Starr doesn't know where God is right now.  But as part of his campaign to win Jesse over, he has procured Heaven's tape backups of all Jesse's prayers all his life.  And we listen to them, a lifelong litany of asking for forgiveness for smoking, drinking, wanking, blasphemy, losing his temper, falling asleep in church, fighting, disbelief, shirking chores, "shooting a komodo dragon," thieving, lying, cheating and, once or twice, wishing for his dad to be killed.

Meanwhile, Tulip has enlisted "Jenny"/Featherstone to help her get rid of the Saint's pistols and saber.  They go to a metal smelter to melt it all down (learning in the process that no one except the Saint can fire or unload those guns).  While they wait, Jenny/Featherstone continues to wage her campaign to break Tulip and Jesse up.  It doesn't seem to be working, at least not quickly.  The smelter dude calls them back in: the smelting equipment is over 4,000 degrees and the Saint's weapons haven't even warmed up, much less melted away.  So Tulip wraps them up, puts a bunch of postage on them and shoves them in a mailbox, addressed to Brazil.  I'm going to guess that's not going to work.

Hell - The administrators are called out of Eugene's screening because all the detainees are holding hands and singing "Michael Row Your Boat Ashore."  Hitler finds Eugene and opens the door to the Hole, saying that's the way out.  Eugene is too afraid and Hitler reassures him that he'll be behind him every step of the way.  He then shoves Eugene into the Hole and for a moment it seems like a double-cross.  But then Hitler jumps in after him.

Back at the Grail, Starr stops the tape of Jesse's prayers and scoffs that there's pretty much no way to get off the hook for all that.  "If you want to save your soul, you need to do something big.  You need to join me."  Starr then plays him the last one and it's back to that swamp box flashback: the old lady pulls Jesse out of the box and asks him his name again.  The boy is defeated now and answers: "Jesse.  Jesse L'Angell."  The old lady - her face still obscured - tells him he's a good boy.  But he's not done and she prompts him to finish: "Thank you God for killin' my father and bringin' me home."  The old lady pats his head and tells him, "Your grandma loves you."  And the camera pulls back to reveal a sign ANGELVILLE GATOR TOURS.  Yeesh.  No wonder that Angelville poster gave him the wiggins a couple of episodes ago.

In the now again, Starr offers to make copies of the prayers for Jesse, if he'd like to take them.  Jesse says no, thank you, but why don't you SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS.  He walks out and tells the office staff to LET ME OUT.  The Genesis Voice doesn't seem to work, however, so he repeats the command - twice, before they open the doors for him.  That doesn't bode well - why didn't it work?

After Jesse has gone, Starr gets on the phone with Hoover telling him that he's up, and nothing less than the eternal dignity of the Grail is at stake.  Of course, he's bent over his desk, shoving the unspooled prayer tapes literally up his ass at the same time.

Out in a warehouse somewhere, Hoover's voice comes out of an armored truck, one that looks like the one Jesse sunk into the Angelville swamp.  Hoover says: "I'm glad we could come to this understanding.  Now, just do what you do."  Then the truck doors swing open.  Hoover hops out and runs away, as fast as he can, not looking back.

Previously on Preacher / next time on Preacher

Preacher recap S2E10 "Dirty Little Secret" 8/21/17

Jesus.  Hey! It's Jesus, earlier in the night that Judas betrays him, having raucous sex with a married woman.  She is really, really into it and he's pretty stoked too, since it's his first time and all.  When it's over finally, he gets dressed and tells her that he loves her.  She's all, ????? but it's because he's Jesus and he loves everyone.  The disciples collect him at the door and they go off, unfortunately never to make it to the getaway donkeys.  One disciple knows what's up, however, and gives the woman a knowing look; nine months later, that guy (Thaddeus?) is back to whisk away Christ's child.  He has the woman killed, right there in her bed, so she can't tell anyone and thus the company to be known as The Grail comes into being.

Jesse.  In the here and now, Starr is actually being very reasonable while talking to Jesse in the bar.  He explains what The Grail is, roughly speaking, and brings out a couple of three-ring binders for Jesse to look at.  Jesse is not interested in binders (whacking Starr upside the head with one and bloodying his nose) and uses the Voice to ask WHERE IS GOD?  Starr answers honestly - because he has to - that he doesn't know.  But he suggests that maybe Jesse would want to come with him to HQ and maybe they could get some more answers there.  So Jesse agrees to a bag over his head and they go to The Grail HQ, where the Pope and the Archibishop of Canterbury are waiting for them in Starr's office.  Jesse is, to his credit, slightly taken aback.  Recovering somewhat, he asks the two august gentlemen [close-minded white patriarchs...] where God is.  They don't know but have some ridiculous theories about it: the Archbishop thinks a traitorous cabal of angels have betrayed God, who is now on the run; on the other hand, the Pope scoffs, saying that God has given up on humans because we have failed Him (like he gave up on the dinosaurs, when they failed Him) and is in the process of creating a new ten-foot tall species .... Jesse's all, you all have no fucking clue, do you?  The pope also let slips that maybe "the boy" might know where God is - and maybe it's time for him to lead.

But he was paying attention and asks Starr, what did the Pope mean, "the boy?" Starr is all, you weren't supposed to hear that but he's the Messiah.  Jesse: *...*  Also, Jesse is like, maybe this Jesus descendant knows where God is.  Starr equivocates so Jesse uses the Voice: TAKE ME TO HIM.  And Starr does - because he has to.  Planes, trains and automobiles later, they get to where the Messiah is being kept safe.  Jesse is surprised and horrified to learn that this twenty-fifth great-grandson of Jesus Christ is, in fact, an inbred moron who pees on the people he likes, flashes his peepee at guests and was filling a notepad with roughly-drawn pictures of a black and white dog,* while Jesse pages through while the Messiah is patting Starr's bald head.  Jesse tries using the Voice to ask the Messiah where God is and the moron wails and cries and it doesn't go well.

*  We're all now certain that the dude in the dog suit from E3 is God, right?  Yes, I think I neglected to mention that scene when I was recapping because it seemed like a throwaway.  My bad.

They go back to New Orleans and Jesse's all, well, you weren't any help but I'm still going to look for God.  Starr says he can't do it by himself and Jesse's all, I got friends.  Starr thinks: For now, anyway.  Starr points out that they're all fucked if the world ends and God is still missing and the Messiah won't be any use.  So maybe Jesse should team up with him, use the power of Genesis and basically be God himself and bring some order to this shit-stained world.  "Why go on looking for God when you can just be him."  Jesse, scandalized: That's blasphemy!  Starr: Semantics.

Cassidy.  Cassidy is celebrating Dennis's birthday with hookers and video games and umbrellas so they can go out without being burnt up by the sun.  But Dennis is a young vampire and pretty much unable/unwilling to control the impulse to drink human blood, no matter how much Cassidy tells him not to.  At the end of the episode, Dennis wanders back to the apartment, face and neck drenched in a victim's blood.  Before this season is over, Cassidy is going to have to deal with that.

Tulip.  Tulip is still struggling with her Saint PTSD.  When Featherstone shows up at the apartment in her "Jenny" guise for some girl-bonding, she is able to manipulate the distracted Tulip, pushing her to distrust Jesse about whether he really sent the Saint back to Hell.  This is Starr's plan, you see, to isolate Jesse so he has to turn to Starr.  It does seem a little uncharacteristic for Tulip to be so easily manipulated - she's usually such an unflappable badass - but I suppose they're using this to show how much damage the Saint can do.  Featherstone has Hoover pose as "Jenny's" abusive and alcoholic boyfriend and the girls get into a little scuffle with him.  Featherstone gets a cut on her face and Tulip takes her into the bathroom for bandaging.  Featherstone notes that loose tile (which she already knows is Jesse's hiding spot for the Saint's weapons because of the surveillance cameras) and suggests that Tulip should fix it since she's so handy.

Later, Tulip decides to fix that tile.  She pulls it up and then reaches down inside, under the floorboards.  Her face falls when she realizes what's hidden there.  She's sitting at the kitchen table, the Saint's two revolvers and the saber laid out in front of her, staring at the front door, waiting for Jesse to get back.  He's gonna have some 'splainin' to do.

Previously on Preacher / next time on Preacher