True Blood episode recap "In the Beginning" S5E7

After Russell stakes Roman, the Authority HQ does into "level 1 lockdown": UV lights flash until guards can come into the conference room and throw a silvered net on the renegade former King of Louisiana.  In the cells, Nora's skin sizzles in the UV light and she continues to chant to Lilith like the religious nut she is.  When the alarm klaxons cease, no one has been killed (other than the Guardian) and the captured Russell is grinning and chuckling like a madman.

The fairies test Sookie's powers and determine that they are waning: since she is part human, her magic is finite and can run out.  And if it runs out, she'll be human again - fairy no longer.  Sookie takes that under advisement and leaves, Jason in tow, despite the fairies trying to explain that she has additional abilities that she hasn't yet tapped into (current power depletion notwithstanding).

After Sam saves Andy's life, the other deputies do some investigating; meanwhile, Sam rolls around on the floor in the storeroom, picking up scents and discerning some leads as to the other supernatural-murdering rednecks (because he can do that now).  Cut to the supernatural-murdering rednecks' hovel, where Hoyt is "feeling more love and acceptance in this hate group than I ever felt in church."  Heh.  They get him all riled up and ready to go stake some vamps - Jessica in particular.

After a cooling-off period, Bill and Eric have been put back into the Authority cells, where they try to figure out who was behind Russell's liberation, besides Nora.  It isn't until they're brought up to Salome's quarters where a flamboyant Russell is strutting around like a peacock when they come up to speed.  Salome was the mastermind behind it, a Lilith-worshipper like Nora and not a mainstreamer everyone thought.  Russell isn't quite so much a believer, although he professes to be born-again; Salome saved him because he was the only vampire strong enough to take out Roman.  The DVD is skipping like crazy but the jist of it is Lilith will rise again, or something, and the Lilith-worshippers are the sanguinistas and really just want to eat humans like vampires were made to do.  They ask Eric and Bill to join them.  Eric: "Never, you Bible-banging cunts."

On the werewolf side of things, Alcide and Whatshername the wolf bitch who declared herself his second, do some sweating tae-kwon-do training in anticipation of the fight against JD.  Alcide is shirtless (of course) but is wearing some dumbass Rambo bandana - seriously, the less he wears, the better.  They're interrupted by Martha who says that JD supported her husband and her son, when each of them was pack leader, and it's his turn to lead the pack now.

Oh my boring hell.  Arlene and Holly watch Arlene and Terry's wedding video on the world's oldest t.v.  Arlene cries.  Holly says that Terry has PTSD and he may not be making the ifrit up, so she shouldn't give up on him.  FILLER.  Also filler: Andy goes to see former Sheriff Bud for advice on how to deal with the super-murdering rednecks.  Bud tosses him out on his ass and I'm totally not sure why they even bothered with that scene.  Also: Terry and Patrick hang out all night in a pasture, waiting for the ifrit to come kill them.  When the ifrit shows up, it just laughs at them and disappears.  Terry grabs Patrick's gun and tries to shoot himself but Patrick talks him out of it.  Yawn.

Down in Mexico, Lafayette goes to Jesus's crazy brujo father's home.  Long story short, Jesus's crazy brujo father captures him, sews his mouth shut and is about to carve the brujo spirit out of Lafayette's head when his very pregnant and much younger wife stabs him to death and cuts Lafayette free.  Whatever.

Sookie finds Sam visiting Luna at the hospital.  When they go to have a cup of coffee, she asks him if he would ever give up being a shifter if he could.  He doesn't know but he's sure of one thing: a lot more people in his life would be safe - and alive -  if he wasn't "special."  Sookie nods solemnly.  But it doesn't matter: they are what they are.

At Fangtasia, Tara is pole-dancing when her mother shows up just to tell her that she is dead to her.  Pam, sporting a truly HORRIFIC crimped hair-do (I mean OMG it is sooooooooo bad), watches.  Later, Pam gives her sad progeny some advice ("So, your mom's a bitch"): "A hundred years from now, you won't even remember her - this I promise you."  Touched, Tara jumped up and cutely clutches Pam in a hug.  Pam is startled for a bit, then sends Tara back up to dance on the pole some more.

JD gathers the pack around him and says that he's got this vampire friend (unnamed, but probably Russell) who says the end of days is coming: a war between the vampires and the humans.  This vampire will give the wolves his blood to drink and they will fight by his side.  Little Emma is there and JD is about to give her some when Martha rushes in and grabs her granddaughter away, snarling that she used to defend JD but she doesn't know him anymore.

Hoyt and his new supernatural-murdering redneck friends mask up and head out to kill themselves some supers.  Over at the hospital, Sam is just about to leave for the night when he catches a whiff of an orderly who is one of the SMRs.  He jumps the orderly and starts pounding the shit out of him.

Jason stops by Bill's mansion to talk with Jessica.  He wants to talk to her about his parents being killed by a vampire but when he realizes that he's interrupting her having blood sex with a fangbanger, he freaks out.  They tussle, she bites him, he shoots her in the side of the head and she throws him out.  Jessica is having a tough time keeping friends these days.  Over at the Stackhouse homestead, Sookie decides that she's had enough of being fae.  She starts sending huge blasts of fairy magic out into the night, trying to deplete herself.  Jason, leaving the mansion, sees the light in the sky and runs to find out what is going on.

After quite a lot of talking at a praise-Lilith ceremony, Salome gives a taste of some holy Lilith blood (reputed) to Nora, Bill, Eric, Russell, Reverend Steve Newlin, the Doctore (from Spartacus) and some other vampires.  [By the way, BARB FROM COUGARTOWN is one of the chancellors.  I just realized this.  That's AWESOME - go watch Cougartown.] They all completely trip out, dancing and snarling around the streets of New Orleans, where they end up in a club and draining an insipid human wedding party.  In the blood-splashed aftermath, Lilith appears, encouraging the bloodlust.  But Eric gets a private vision - Godric - telling him to save Nora from herself.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "Hopeless" S5E6

While Eric is tangling with Russell, the werewolves attack, dragging Alcide away and separating Bill and Sookie.  Russell breaks free and menaces Sookie a bit, drawn to her by her fairy-ness until she blasts him away with her glowing hands.  Alcide tosses the attacking wolves around, killing - and recognizing - at least one.  Eric tackles Russell and hauls out a stake; Bill convinces him that they need to bring him back to the Authority alive ... but what luck: the Authority has arrived with a bunch of black-suited commandos, Peter Mensah in charge (Doctore, from Spartacus, but I can't be bothered to look up his character's name here).

Back at Fangtasia, Pam finally breaks up the fight between Tara and Jessica.  Jess limps away, grumbling that the friendship is off apparently; Hoyt watches her go.  Pam reminds Tara that this is her bar and she is in charge and, while she did a good job holding her own in the fight, she needs to watch herself.  In Bon Temps, Luna and Sam are rushed to the emergency room, bleeding and screaming (what will human doctors discover about shapeshifters?) while Emma, in wolf-puppy form, runs to Martha's house to safety.  When Luna and Sam are out of surgery, Luna frantic about her daughter, Sam has come out of it better and promises to go back to Bon Temps immediately to find out what happened.  Just then Martha and Emma (now human again) show up and Martha and Luna call an uneasy truce, since Luna needs the older woman to watch after her daughter.

A captured Russell Edgington is a riled-up Russell Edgington.  He is led away in cuffs, ranting about the Authority's blind idiocy in following the cult of Lilith.  After he is gone, Peter Mensah mentions his concerns about the humans (Sookie and Doug) and the werewolf (Alcide) having seen too much.  As PM goes to deal with Doug and the shackled humans down the hall, Eric glamours Alcide so he won't remember, implanting an extra command that he will henceforth find Sookie sexually disgusting even though he will protect her with his life; Bill pretends to glamour Sookie but doesn't really, instead "commanding" her to live her life apart from him, as a human, in the sun.

Note:  the DVD skipped a bit so I've missed something but really, who cares.  I mean, really.  One thing that is a little important, however, is that once the Authority thugs load all the rescued humans, plus Doug, onto a bus to ostensibly drive them home, Peter Mensah steps aboard the bus and in a massive splatter of blood, kills ALL THE HUMANS.  Now, that doesn't seem like it's in line with the get-along-with-humans Authority party line.

In other things no one cares about, Terry and Patrick are driving home, still way freaked out about the ifrit.  Terry flings himself out of the moving car and runs into a field, screaming how they're both dead men.  Oh, harden the fuck up, Terry.  When he gets back to town, he finds Arlene and tells her about the village in Iraq, and how they killed everyone, and how they're now cursed and being hunted by "an evil smoke monster" [Lost shout out?].  He says that he has to leave her and the kids for their safety.  Arlene's like, honey, you're off your meds again, aren't you?  He is adamant, however, and she lets him go.

Lafayette goes to the nursing home to see his momma who tells him that she saw a vision of Jesus's decapitated, mute head.  She tells her boy that his dead lover wants to talk to him but Jesus's father has captured him.  "You gots to go, Lala.  Jesus is in trouble!  You gots to save Jesus!"  When Sookie goes into her next shift at Merlotte's, Jason finds her there and tells her what he found out about their parents' death at the fairy "nightclub."  She's like, you have to take me there, fairies are big trouble.  Also, Sam insists that Andy help him with the investigation into the shapeshifter murders because, as a shapeshifter, he can go places humans can't.  Also, Alcide strides into the wolfpack, accusing them of being V addicts and working for vampires [meaning Russell], and saying that he's assuming control of the pack.  One of the wolves says that he's got to fight for leadership and Alcide's like, okay.  And then a gorgeous she-wolf volunteers to fight at Alcide's side as his second.  I don't know any of these characters' names.  I don't care.

When Bill and Eric return to the Authority HQ, the chancellors applaud their success and Molly the tech takes their iStakes off.  Tina Majorino is ADORABLE here.  As much as I dislike the boring Authority scenes, I hope she gets more to do and sticks around for a while.  Salome informs the boys that Nora has confessed her sanguinista leanings.  Pompous old Roman swaggers in, happy as can be about Russell's capture, with a very old bottle of blood to celebrate.  Blah blah blah.  Salome says she needs to go interrogate Russell some more but Roman is all, don't bother - we're going to execute him tonight, here in the council chamber.  She says she'll give him a half dose of silver to keep him tame and bring him up.  After she leaves, Eric asks for permission to talk with Nora.  Roman's like okay, but don't miss the execution.

Andy and Sam investigate an anti-vampire sporting goods shop.  After being questioned for a while, the clerk gets a little twitchy and Sam ends up shooting him with a crossbow right before the clerk can shoot Andy, saving his life - Sam had "sensed him go into survival mode," because apparently that's something he can do now.  Meanwhile, Hoyt is getting sucked off [not THAT way, perverts] by a vampire in an alley somewhere when some rednecks - quite possibly the same ones who shot Sam and Luna - drive up, stake the vamp and drive off with Hoyt.  That night, Sookie and Jason make their way into the fairy "nightclub," asking about what happened to their parents.  They meet up with one who is actually a little forthcoming, who tells them what he'd heard: that one night long ago, a vampire was drawn to an old bandaid of Sookie's in the backseat of the Stackhouse car - he was attracted to her blood.  Sookie's all, STFU you lying liars!

As Salome brings a ranting and raving Russell out from the cells, Eric tries to get Nora to talk to him.  But she is transported with Lilith-ecstasy, saying that God's plan is happening and that everything will come to pass.  Eric's like, WTF is your deal? before realizing that it was Salome who released Russell, who has been orchestrating all of this.  Up in the council chamber, Russell is still raving: you use Lilith to justify your bloodlust for power - "you're a hypocrite!  I want human blood but not because some Bible tells me to. I like it, it's fun, it makes my dick hard!!!"  Roman has heard enough, and shouts that this is about balance and mercy and order and peace.  He presses the remote for the iStake on Russell's chest but it doesn't go off.  Instead, Russell lunges to his feet and slams Roman down on the table, pressing a real stake to the Guardian's chest.  The former King vampire sneers, "Peace is for pussies!" before gloriously staking Roman while Bill, Salome, Molly, a just-arrived Eric and the other chancellors watch.  Down in the cells, Nora leans back and spreads her arms wide, praising Lilith's name.

Damn, everything is better with Russell Edgington, isn't it?

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "We'll Meet Again" S5E4

Picking right up where we left off, Pam vamp-zooms over to the salon and pulls Tara out of the tanning bed.  The baby vampire is a mess, burned and bubbling, and she spits hate into her maker's face.  Pam goes uber-bitchy and commands her, as her maker, to stop trying to kill herself.  Tara is furious but helpless.  Looks like Pam is going to have to be a little more hands-on with her obstinate progeny than she had hoped.

Lafayette comes out of Merlotte's right as Alcide drives off in a fury, leaving a weeping, guilty Sookie behind.  Lafayette is pretty furious too, saying that all he wanted was for her to keep her mouth shut.  He snaps at her that she's the fucking angel of death, leaving a trail of bodies behind her.  She whimpers, feeling sorry for herself, but the thing is, Lafayette is not wrong.  Sookie flails about, getting people to save her, and she always makes it through, but she brings death and destruction wherever she goes.  Next, she goes to Jason's house and confesses to killing Debbie - she's freaking out but she asks her brother to arrest her.  He tells her to calm down and stop acting crazy.  She keeps talking, telling him about Lafayette being there, and Tara getting shot and turned into a vampire.  Then Jessica comes into the room, wearing Jason's sweats:  Tara's a fucking vampire?

After having let Bill and Eric go to start tracking down Russell, the Guardian and Salome discuss what to do with Nora, who is shrieking in a basement cell.  He wants Salome to get Nora to open up, give him some names of accomplices who have infiltrated the Authority.  Yawn.

Pam takes the rapidly-healing Tara back to Fangtasia and is surprised (and thrilled) to see Eric there.  She's less thrilled to see Bill, of course.  While Eric and Pam talk - and Eric gets a little nasty, trying to learn if Pam knows anything about Russell Edgington, but Pam knows nothing, and cries, telling him that she is loyal only to him, and he relents, but doesn't tell her anything about the Authority - Bill and Tara go into the club's office.  He talks to her a little about what she's feeling as a newbie, then he asks if Sookie is okay.  Tara tells him to stop, stop asking about Sookie and worrying about her, gotta move on: "She's always safe, because there's always some fool there to take a bullet for her.  Always."  Out in the club, Pam steels herself and lashes out at Eric, snarling that she would die for him and if she means so little to him - if he trusts her less than Bill, "or a werewolf, for Chrissakes," then he should release her and let her go.  Later, Eric and Bill regroup, trying to figure out who knows about Russell since Pam and Tara know nothing.  Tomorrow they'll cast the net wider.

At the Bon Temps sheriff's office, the mayor swings by and, to thank Andy for clearing a ticket for his son, invites him and Jason out to party that night.  Over at Merlotte's, Sam notices a couple of his shapeshifter friends in one of the booths.  They invite him to go for a run with them tonight and he agrees to meet them later.  When he does meet them, they're both death with bullet holes in their heads.  Oops. Sookie tries to get through her shift at the restaurant but she can't block out all the customers' thoughts as they see her and think about what happened to Tara.  (How did the whole town find out?  Small town gossip, I guess, after Tara busted out of the walk-in.)  Meanwhile, Lafayette goes outside for a smoke and see Sookie's little yellow car.  Before he can stop himself, the brujo demon bursts out and it looks like he curses Sookie's car.

Alcide finds Debbie's parents at their motel and tells them what happened to Debbie.  Well, he doesn't really: he lies to protect Sookie.  He says that their daughter was killed but tells them it was Marcus who did it and that he killed Marcus for it afterwards.  Everyone gets all upset and Debbie's dad starts to wolf out, lunging for Alcide's throat.  His wife talks him down, telling Alcide to get out and leave them alone.

And then we have this epic fail of a scene that is so out of place for this foolish show.  Patrick and Terry are driving through South Dakota, looking for the former squad member who may be setting the fires, when Terry has a flashback to Iraq.  Through a terrible mistake, his squad ends up killing a whole bunch of innocent villagers.  Then Patrick shakes him and Terry snaps out of it.  The scene is so jarring and so far removed from any of the regular True Blood silliness.  Not cool.  Hopefully this storyline won't take up too much more time this season.  At any rate, they find the guy's bunker and, judging from the weaponry and the general decor, he's batshit crazy.  Also, he's behind them with a big ol' gun.  Oops.

Back at the Authority, the cabal of chancellors is keeping an eye on Bill and Eric's GPS markers, while the Guardian and Salome interrogate Nora. Y A W N.  Lots of talking but then Salome gets in close, coaxing, and Nora whispers in her ear.  In Bon Temps, as Sookie drives home after her shift, her car's brakes fail and the accelerator floors itself.  She jumps out of the car just before it slams into a tree.  Sookie is shaken but okay. She makes her way home on foot and starts drinking.

When Jason shows up at Andy's office that evening to go out with the sheriff, Andy is ranting about the Debbie Pelt case.  Jason tries to calm him down but Andy is all het up ... until Jessica vamp-zooms in and glamours Andy into forgetting all about Debbie.  She did it to protect Sookie and Jason thanks her for it, calling her a good friend.  After Jessica leaves, the mayor shows up in a limo with three hotties.  The girls put bags over the men's heads so they can't see where they're going.  This is because the girls are fairies and they take the men to a "club" in the fairy dimension, full of light and color and sexy dancers.  Fuckin' fairies.  Andy finds that one fairy woman he made love to last season, while Jason forgets ALL about his new celibacy with a gorgeous fairy.

Pam finds Eric waiting for her when she gets up for the night.  He tells her that the mission he and Bill are on is doomed and that he has to protect her.  She is his only progeny, his one legacy, and he is going to release her so the Authority won't come after her.  It's a very sweet scene, and they are both very good and sad about it.  Eric says the words to sever their blood ties, to renounce his dominion over her, to release her.  Pam bursts into tears when it is done, clutching at him.  "You were born into greatness," he tells her, gently, "You're a maker now.  Our blood will thrive."  Meanwhile, Bill goes home and he and Jessica tear the place apart, looking for listening devices.  Jessica tells him that she believes that he and Sookie are good together and that he should check on her, because she's a mess over what's happened with Debbie and Tara.  Speaking of Tara, Pam wakes her up and brings her a willing human victim.  Tara is reluctant at first but Pam encourages her (commands her, actually), teaching her to drink without draining, whispering about the power and glory of being a vampire.  Aw, Pam's being a good mommy!

The Guardian and Salome join the chancellors.  Without too much ado, the Guardian announces that Nora told him the name of the traitor in their midst.  He walks over to one of the chancellors, the one that is the little kid (the others are the Doctore from Spartacus, the Texan woman and the scary Swedish dude from Hell on Wheels), and promptly stakes him, splashing blood and gore everywhere.  Whatever.  We didn't spend enough time with these vampire chancellors for me to give a shit about losing one, even one that looks like a child.  I don't know if this is supposed to make the Guardian seem scary or unhinged, but really it's just making me dread every scene set at the Authority.

Sookie is pretty drunk - cutely singing the wrong words to The Pina Colada song - when Lafayette calls to see if she's okay.  She tells him what happened and he realized that it was the brujo demon. He wants to tell her the truth but then Alcide shows up and she hangs up on Lafayette.  Alcide: "You smell like mint and peaches."  Sookie: "And you smell like Aqua Velva."  They talk and she starts pouring him drinks.  After quite a few of them, she climbs on top of him and they start going at it, because Alcide has always liked her.  Just then, Bill and Eric show up, noting that Sookie seems okay.  He decides that they're going to interrupt her (because she might be "useful" in the search for Russell) because he's a jealous dick.

Back at the fucking fairy club, Jason runs into his cousin Hadley who lets it slip that this place is a safe haven for fairies hiding out from vampires.  She also lets slip that vampires killed his and Sookie's parents, not a flood as the Stackhouse siblings have always been told.  Other fairies whisk Cousin Hadley away, ignoring Jason's questions.  He gets agitated, Andy has his back and they both get thrown out of the place, landing flat on their backs in the meadow.  They both yelp as two fairies appear, hands a-glowing and aimed right at them.  End episode.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "Authority Always Wins" S5E2

The newly-arisen Tara attacks Sookie and Lafayette as Pam looks on, amused.  Before she leaves to get to Fangtasia, Pam orders the new vamp not to kill the two humans.  She tosses Tara into the house, wishes Sookie and Lafayette good luck and takes off.  Sookie and Lafayette stare at each other, unsure of their next step, as a crazed Tara starts smashing up the windows.  I can tell right now that Vampire Tara is going to get old very quickly.

Bill, Eric and Nora are brought to the Authority stronghold in New Orleans; housed in what looks like an abandoned warehouse, there are multiple levels below ground, many seeming quite bureaucratic.  A swanky vampire named Salome meets them and brings them downstairs, tossing them in adjoining cells.  Before long, UV light starts shining down on them, sending them to their knees, screaming and sizzling.  There is nowhere to hide in the cells.  The UV exposure is brief but enough to blister and burn the captive vampires.

Back in Bon Temps, the pack is disgusted when Alcide refuses to feed upon Marcus's body and take over as pack leader.  Being the bigger dog, Alcide refuses to rise to the bait when they call him a coward.  The bad CGI cold air breath smoke is distracting.  Also distracting: when my DVD player freaks out and skips around - but I don't think we'll miss anything important, not with this show.  When Pam gets to work, she is dismayed that Eric has not called in, and then we get a flashback to Olden Days when Pam was a human.  She was a madam (some time in the 1800s, I guess) and we get to see the first time she meets Eric: when he saves her from a would-be murderer out on the street.  Whatever.  I like bitchy, powerful, vampire Pam better.

Luna has taken Sam home to tend to his wounds.  When she goes to check on Emma, there's a knock on the door.  It's Martha, wanting to see her granddaughter.  Luna screams at her and tosses her out, ignoring Martha's protests that the little girl may be a werewolf and not a shifter.  When Sam tries to calm Luna down, she screams at him too, tells him to fuck off and throws him out.  Sam's head is spinning but he goes.

Blah blah blah.  The sun is about to come up and Sookie and Lafayette manage to trap Tara, wrapping her in silver chains and putting her in Eric's basement vampire bunker for safety.  Oh christ.  Andy Bellefleur and Jason Stackhouse talking about the fact that Andy had sex.  They also find dead Debbie the werewolf's car, abandoned in the middle of nowhere.  Andy finds a vial of V [vampire blood, in case you don't remember] and he is tempted [because he used to be a V addict, in case you don't remember] but gives the V to Jason, who dumps it out.

At Merlotte's, Terry has a flashback to Iraq and nearly knocks Arlene's head off when she approaches him.  Then he runs out, leaving her shaken.  At Sookie's, she is installing colloidal silver misters over the doorways when she hears Lafayette thinking about staking Tara.  She runs to the vampire bunker and talks him down, even though they both know that Tara hated vampires more than anything - they both want her in their lives more than they want her to be at peace.

Back at the Authority HQ, Bill and Eric are interrogated separately.  Each of them is hooked up to an IV with [science] liquid silver.  When they don't give the answers their interrogators want, the IV lines are opened.  It hurts a lot but neither of them squeals.  We do get to hear about a Vampire Bible, blah blah blah, Lilith, blah blah blah, vampires are supposed to eat humans - contradictory to the official co-existence/main-streaming party line of the Authority.  The Authority is trying to root out the fundamentalists who believe in the literal interpretation of the Vampire Bible - the "sanguinistas."  Heh.

Reverend Steve invites himself over to Jessica's latest keg party.  He is a massive dork.  But what he wants is a private conversation with Jessica: he offers to buy Jason from her for $10,000 cash.  She leads him on for a while, getting him to up the offer to $20,000, before snarling that Jason is her friend and she doesn't sell her friends and throwing him the fuck out of her house.  Then she kicks all the college kids out too: "Humans, you're boring me.  Get out of here before I eat you."

Arlene goes to see Patrick to find out WTF is going on with Terry.  Patrick won't tell her anything, though, and then Terry shows up.  She leaves, telling the two men to fix whatever is wrong here.  Terry tells Patrick that the guy he's looking for (the purported firestarter) is still alive, just off the grid.  Patrick is all, then let's go see him.  Across town, Luna hears Emma banging around in her bedroom, long after bedtime.  When she opens the door to scold her daughter, there's the cutest wolf puppy sitting there, draped in Emma's pajamas.  "Holy fuck," breathes Luna.  At nightfall, Tara wakes up and comes out of the vampire bunker.  She tells Lafayette and Sookie that she will never forgive either of them for what they've done to her, then she bolts out of the house, getting painfully sprayed by the silver mister in the process.

Over at the Authority HQ, we meet Chris Meloni, some high-up vampire muckety-muck.  While a demonic choir sings on the soundtrack, he administers some of his blood to a council in a very church-ish ceremony, before getting down to business with Bill, Eric and Nora.  Also, it appears that Oenemaus from Spartacus is on the council.  This is supposed to be serious and imposing and all but holy shit is it BORING.  In fact, I fell asleep the first time I watched this.  Chris Meloni lists all Bill and Eric's fuckups, including rocket launchers in town and that disastrous Festival of Tolerance, plus the whole killing Nan Flanagan thing.  He asks them if they belong to the sanguinistas: Bill's like, I don't know what that is; Eric says he tries to stay away from politics.  Chris Meloni [WTF is his character's name? this is annoying] drives home the point that mainstreaming is vital and he will not stand for any fundamentalism in his vampires.  He is about to pronounce the sentence on them when Bill pipes up: he offers an exchange of their lives for that of Russell Edgington, who is in fact alive and is now broken free.  Chris Meloni is skeptical but intrigued, since Russell could bring down the whole mainstreaming agenda.  Of course, he also almost stakes Bill in a moment of extreme crankiness.  In the end, the Guardian (Chris Meloni) lets them live and we close with a particularly nasty close-up of a burned but healing Russell, sated on the blood of many recent victims.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

It's like history, only better

What's the best way to gear up for a long hot summer?  Watching the over-the-top violence, nudity and "history" of the final season of Spartacus, subtitled: War of the Damned (on DVD).  Glibness of that first sentence aside, I think this show is far better than it gets credit for - yes, it is a soft-core gore-fest but it follows the basic history, the characters have meaningful arcs and act how they should act (with one notable exception).  The acting has gotten better, the violence is exquisitely choreographed, and damn if I haven't gotten to care about Spartacus, Crixus, Gannicus, Agron and the rest of those sweaty, scruffy, muscled guys.  The showrunners are smart too: by this final season, with the inevitable, fact-based conclusion just around the corner, both sides, rebellious slaves and Romans, are well-rounded.  The Romans, clearly posited as the villains of the series, are not all bad; the former slaves are not all in the right as they do some horrible, cruel things.

That said, I have not liked Naevia's character arc this season.  After Crixus rescued her from the mines, she learned to fight and took her vengeance on Ashur at the end of S2.  In S3, she has completed transformed into a single-minded, unpleasant warrior.  She has changed so much that she does not resemble herself at all (and I don't mean the recasting).  She is unceasingly angry and shrill and goads Crixus incessantly.  I don't have a problem with the character retaking her agency and not being a victim any longer but she has become an entirely different person and it's jarring.

The Naevia thing is a minor quibble, however.  Over the course of this series, the three straight Spartacus seasons plus Gods of the Arena, I have really come to like this show - in War of the Damned Gannicus vaults over a horse, knocking its rider off and then splitting the guy's head open; that's entertainment! - and I will be sad to see its end.

Back into the abyss

It's that age-old conundrum around these parts when the recapping goes on hiatus: WTF do I do next?  I suppose I'll pick up where we left off with True Blood, as that's sort of what we do over the summer.  But I can't start that yet because I'm finishing the final season of Fringe right now, and then after that I plan to rip through S3 of Game of Thrones, and then the final season of Spartacus.  And then we'll go back to those Bon Temps wackadoos (whilst also watching S2 of Orphan Black).  Television's gonna be busy up in here.

Reading-wise, I've been on a slight Gerald Durrell tear, re-reading My Family and Other Animals for the umpteenth time (along with my love for Greek mythology, that book was responsible for making me a huge Hellenophile, culminating in an Ancient Greek college major and a semester in Chania, Crete) and also Menagerie Manor and The Ark's Anniversary.  The latter two books are all about his wildlife park on the Isle of Jersey and his foundation's focus on conservation and saving endangered species; these volumes are not nearly as charming and funny as MFaOA but I was interested and found them quick reads.

Now I'm in book-limbo, needing to get back to the library.  To pass the time I'm re-reading The Hotel New Hampshire for the umpteenth time.  I've forgotten how funny - and dark - that book is.  Fun/weird stuff.  So, anyway, be patient and bear with me.  I'll get some updates here as soon as I can.  In the meantime, what are you reading/watching?

Books, in brief

I'm still churning through Spartacus: Vengeance, hence the not much of anything new here.  I like it and Liam McIntyre is doing a fine job but I still miss Andy Whitfield.  I've read a couple of books as well:

This Book is Full of Spiders - Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It by David Wong.  I think I liked this sequel to John Dies at the End better than the first book.  I found it easier to follow, the story moving much more linearly.  David inadvertently unleashes a plague of parasitic spider monsters that turn the townsfolk of [Undisclosed] into zombies, for all intents and purposes.  Then he, John, Amy and Molly have to stop the spider-zombie apocalypse before it spreads to the rest of the world.  Funny, fast-paced and pretty gruesome/gory in spots.

"Who Could That Be at This Hour?" by Lemony Snicket.  I am a big fan of Mr. Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events" books (Full disclosure: I went to college with Daniel Handler, Lemony Snicket's alter ego, and he is every bit as brilliant, funny, articulate and talented as you might imagine).  "WCTBaTH?" is the first book in a new series, "All the Wrong Questions" - a children's noir series.  This first book follows young Snicket in his first apprenticeship as he tries to solve a mystery and, in doing so, asks wrong question after wrong question.  It's a good start but I think it's been a little more challenging for Handler to find his voice here.

I. Am. Watching. Spartacus

I guess I've just been in the mood for sexy, sweaty gladiators these days.  Can you blame me?  I just finished Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, the six episode prequel, set five years before the events of Spartacus: Blood and Sand.  In this prequel, we get to see backstory on many of our favorite characters:  the doctore, Oenomaus, was happily fighting as a gladiator and happily married to a lovely girl slave before he was forced into management; Crixus comes to the ludus, unwashed, unshaved and unable to fight; Ashur had the use of both his legs and although he was still a schemer, he had hopes of honor in the arena.  Barca had a much more butch boyfriend.  Best of all, Quintus Batiatus and Lucretia - the wonderful John Hannah and Lucy Lawless - are there, young and ambitious but not yet corrupt; we get to watch as Batiatus's daddy issues force him into poorly planned schemes and Lucretia battles for her husband.

New characters add fun to the mix too.  Jaime Murray plays Gaia, Lucretia's BFF, a gorgeous Roman lady on the prowl for her next husband.  She introduces Lucretia to opium-fueled three-ways, encourages small orgies to court favor with important Capuans and inspires some awesome revenge.  The champion of the ludus is Gannicus: handsome and cocky, he is close friends with Oenomaus and his wife Melitta.  Gannicus doesn't have the charisma that Andy Whitfield's Spartacus did but he's fun nonetheless.

GotA is in a tough position because having watched the first season already, you know what's going to happen to many of the GotA characters.  Still, amid the over-the-top violence and sex, there are plenty of heart-wrenching moments that make you feel for these people, and that's what makes these Spartacus shows good.

Gods of the Arena was filmed during Blood and Sand's hiatus in hopes that series star Andy Whitfield would beat his cancer.  He didn't, which is really, really sad, but before he died he told the showrunners that they should recast his part.  They did and I've just started Spartacus: Vengeance with Liam McIntyre as the new Spartacus.  McIntyre looks enough like Whitfield that it's only a small shock to see him in the role; he doesn't have Whitfield's spark quite yet, but it's still early and Whitfield grew into the role himself so there's plenty of time.

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles S2E12 "Alpine Fields"

Good grief.  This one is waaaaaaaaay flashback heavy.  So annoying.  Makes me miss Lost.

Now: Derek is investigating a garage (?) when he hears screaming.  It's a very pregnant woman who has been shot through the chest.  Her teenage daughter is trying to help her.  Derek says that Sarah Connor sent him and he manages to put a tube down the woman's throat to help her breathe.  The girl says the cyborg shot her.  Derek: "So, how do you know Sarah?"

Six months ago:  Sarah and Cameron break into a house, telling the family living there that they've been targeted, their names are on a list that Sarah has.  Suddenly everyone is pointing guns at everyone else.  The dad, David, is Carlos Jacott, a three-peater from the Whedonverse.  The mom is Ann, who will be pregnant and shot in about six months, and the daughter is Lauren.  David wants to know what is going on.  Sarah gives them the Cliff Notes on the machines rising and killing everyone who threatens them in the past: apparently someone in this family is a threat to Skynet.  Cameron and Sarah force the family into their minivan and drive off.  The T-888 finds them soon enough and rams them with his pickup truck.  Sarah and the family scamper back to their house while Cameron and the T-888 fight.

Now:  Lauren notices the bar code tattoo on Derek's arm and asks him where he got it.  Derek: "From them."  Lauren tells him that the Terminator found them in Nevada and that her dad held it off while she and Ann ran for it.  It doesn't look like ol' David got away.


2037:  Derek disagrees with some plan his commander (the doctore from Spartacus) has to use a cyborg in fighting a bio-weapon.  Derek thinks he can go in and retrieve the sole survivor of that bio-weapon attack and see if the rebels can fashion an antidote or immunization from their antibodies (or something).  Okay, says the commander, but we don't know how long you'll have once you've been exposed to this bio-weapon.

Now:  Lauren tells Derek that it was her fault that the Terminator found them because she made a phone call to a friend.

Six months ago:  Sarah and the family make it back to the house.  David's leg is badly fractured so they splint it.  Sarah wants to know which one of them the cyborg is after.  David is a banker, Ann a housewife and Lauren is just a high school student.  Sarah goes full MacGyver, rigging the front door with a trap.  Lauren finds Sarah rummaging around in the garage and tells her that her dad is actually working with a tech company that does cybernetic stuff.

2037:  A gas mask-wearing Derek goes into the bunker that was hit by the bio-weapon.  Everyone appears to be dead - so why would any survivor still be in there?  He doesn't investigate too long, getting a little freaked out by all the bodies, and when he goes back outside, Jessie is there.

Now:  Lauren takes a gun and goes outside for some air.  When Ann wakes up, she scolds Derek for letting her daughter go outside alone. Derek rolls his eyes and says that Lauren covered for her mother when it was Ann who made the phone call that tipped off the Terminator.

Six months ago:  Sarah and Lauren finish the front door trap.  It comes out that Ann has been having an affair with neighbor Roger.

Now:  Ann's phone call got Roger killed.  (I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for her - she's pretty unlikeable.  And here's the thing: why exactly are we wasting time with these people?  Cameron got an episode so now Derek gets one?  Is this going to move the story forward?  We don't have many episodes left.)

2037:  This is the first time Derek meets Jess.  She caught an SOS and came to investigate.  Derek gives her a gas mask and they go back in, making it to the back of the bunker where there's a door.  Derek bangs on it.  Someone inside bangs back and the door opens.

Now:  Ann is getting worse. Lauren wants to go to a hospital but Derek says that until Sarah gets here - she's apparently off trying to kill this Terminator -  this is the safest place for all of them.  Lauren is all, if they couldn't kill the T-888 before, they can't kill it now.

Six months ago:  Roger is added to the mix and everyone squabbles, getting on Sarah's nerves.  Then Cameron gets tossed through the window, unconscious.  Lauren looks out the broken window and sees the cyborg.  David says that he's the one it wants and goes out to meet it.  The T-888 takes one look at him and determines that this is not the one it wants.  Ann 'fesses up that she's pregnant with Roger's kid and Sarah realizes that the Terminator is after the unborn baby.  Lauren hides in the closet as Sarah takes Ann to run for a car.

Now:  Derek says that they have to deliver Ann's baby daughter now.  Lauren is all, "Sister? Oh god, you're from the future."  Derek: Her name is Sydney and I knew her."

2037:  It's Sydney who opens the door for Derek and Jessie.  She says that their gas masks are useless since they're already infected.  They chat and then Jess gets really thirsty.  Sydney looks meaningfully at Derek - that's a bad sign.  The process is this: dry mouth, sweats, fever and shaking, lungs filling with fluid, death.  Jess doesn't have much time - in fact, she's already sweating.  The three of them decide to make a run for it back to base despite it being broad daylight out.

Now:  Derek tells Ann that her soon-to-be-born daughter has a natural immunity that will help cure a devastating disease, saving a lot of lives.  Ann likes the sound of that but her breathing is getting bad, plus the labor pains are really kicking in.  As Ann slowly fades, Derek and Lauren deliver the baby.  Ann lasts long enough to see her new daughter and then she dies.

Six months ago:  Cameron wakes up and helps Lauren out of the closet (literally).  Sarah and Ann run, chased by the Terminator.  Cameron drives up in an SUV and runs the T-888 over.

2037:  Derek, Jess and Sydney make it back to base, Jess fading fast.  Don't worry: she obviously gets saved.  She and Derek get adjacent hospital beds as they're treated for the disease, bonding as they get sicker and sicker.  Lauren is there too, working as a medic, and she thanks Derek for saving her sister.

Now:  Derek tells Lauren that she needs to hold on, to keep Sydney safe.  Lauren's like, but the machines keep coming, don't they?  Derek: I'm trying.  He asks her to come and stay with the Connors and, you know, she'd be a MUCH better match for John than ol' annoying Riley.  Derek calls Sarah and updates her. She got the T-888, so that's good.  He tells her that he invited Lauren to stay but when he goes back to get the girls, they're gone, already running.  He's disappointed but impressed with Lauren's gumption.

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E6 "Dungeons and Dragons"

Note: half of this episode is in flashback form, Derek's POV.  Rather than bounce back and forth between the flashback time and the show's now, I'm going to follow the now all the way through and then do the flashback.

Now.  We pick up right where we left off, with Charley working furiously to save Derek's life.  Understandably, he rants a little bit to the Connors about WTF happened over the last eight years since they supposedly blew themselves up in that bank vault.  The Connors and Cameron explain to him - off-camera - about the Terminators and, when confronted with the battered chassis of the Terminator that shot Derek/they disabled and apparently brought with them (except for his left hand which Agent Ellison has), manages to take it all in stride.  He does need a beer though.

Derek starts flailing a bit and Charley tells the gang that he needs three units of AB negative blood (very rare).  John says they should test him and since he's a match what with being a relative and all, they hook him up to Derek for a direct transfusion.  Charley pieces together that Kyle Reese, Derek's brother, about whom Derek keeps ranting in his delirium, is John's brother - funny how Cameron hasn't figured that out yet.

As Cameron skins out the Terminator and sprinkles thermite on its metal frame, Charley pauses to try to talk to her.  He eventually flees after calling her a "very scary robot."  Sarah comes out to tell Cameron that she is to stay away from Charley and not hurt him.  She tasks Cameron to tracking down the missing hand since it is imperative that all bits and pieces of this Terminator get destroyed.  (Um, what about the one you all left stranded behind the blast doors at that army depot?)  Cameron nods, but then pockets the chip she pulled out of the Terminator's head when she shut him down.

Charley says goodbye to Sarah and hands her "Agent Kestler's" (Cromarty's) business card, letting her know that they're still being hunted.  When Derek arises to some vague consciousness, John is there, talking quietly to him about Kyle ... but still not letting his uncle know that they're kin.

Flashback to Derek's when.  Down in the freedom fighters' tunnels, Derek and Kyle shoot the shit before being sent topside by an unseen John to suss out the machines' latest secret weapon.  Says another soldier, "Don't they have enough weapons?  Why do they need a secret one?"  Topside is hellish, post-apocalyptic, and the Reese brothers glimpse what looks like a huge jet engine being dragged off by the machines.  More machines open fire, the brothers get separated and Derek gets captured.

He comes to, chained to the floor of an old house, along with numerous other humans.  Terminators periodically drag off the dead bodies.  One of the other imprisoned humans confesses to being Andy Goode, to having been part of the team that built Skynet.  Derek is skeptical but files this information away for future reference.  After an unknown period of time - and various off-camera torture sessions - the prisoners wake up to find the machines gone and an ax on the floor next to them, just perfect for striking off their chains.  Derek rushes out to the secret passage into the tunnels but it is blasted wide open, flames everywhere.

Down below, the tunnels are empty and there are signs of fighting.  A couple of guys on patrol show up and gladly tell the escapees what happened: the machines attacked so John cleared his people out.  The resistance attacked a research facility and both John and Kyle went inside on some secret mission, but only John came back out.  Derek is not happy to hear this and wants to know WTF happened to his brother.  Just then, Cameron walks up and Derek freaks out, shooting at her and shouting about the loose machines.  The guy in charge ("Doctore" from Spartacus!) tells him to chill: John is capturing the Terminators and reprogramming them.  Derek doesn't think that's particularly safe, and his fears are confirmed later when one of the reprogrammed machines flips out and shoots up the joint.  Cameron steps up and blows the faulty Terminator to bits, saving Derek.  He doesn't look that grateful, to be honest.

Sometime later, Cameron tells Derek that John wants to see him.  She takes him to a room where a blazing ball of lightning and light crackles.  Afterwards, Derek tells three other freedom fighters about John's plan to send them back twenty years to fix the mistakes.  He gives ol' Andy Goode a meaningful glance.  Derek and the other three freedom fighters come through to the past, naked and gasping at the sight of all that civilization.

One more flashback, to just a couple weeks from the show's now.  Andy Goode, in his chess competition hotel room, looks up as the door opens.  It's Derek, who calmly shoots Andy dead, hoping to have stopped him from inventing Skynet.  Guess he lied to Sarah about that after all.

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Spartacus: Blood and Sand S1E13

Season finale: "Kill Them All" - SPOILER in that the episode title pretty much spells it out for you.  Hope you weren't attached to too many characters!  Also, this recap is kind of disjointed because the show kept bouncing around with flashbacks.  I'll do my best.

Batiatus and Lucretia are having a huge party to celebrate their new patron, the Legatus Glaber [note: I thought it was "Glaba" because of all the English/Aussie/Kiwi accents but according to Wikipedia, it's more Glaber/Glaberus].  All the best people of Capua are there, milling about in the villa, watching the entertainment: a fight to the death between Spartacus and Crixus.

Two Days Ago:  The doctore [wish he had a name but I'm too lazy to look up imdb] appeals to Batiatus to intercede when Glaber's soldiers brutally beat on the gladiators.  Batiatus brushes that concern aside, saying that he is hoping to move beyond the day-to-day management of the ludus soon: he is planning to free the doctore and have him run the ludus instead.  The doctore is stunned and honored; then, bravely, he asks Batiatus about what happened when Barca was "freed."  Batiatus admits that he did have Barca killed but - and here's the lie - it was because Barca went against his dominus's orders and killed that family.  Lucretia wanders in, still wounded from Crixus's rejection, and suggests to her husband that they have a Crixus and Spartacus death-match as the party's centerpiece.  With her heart broken, she wants to ensure Crixus's death.  When Batiatus tells Spartacus about the fight, the Thracian appears pleased.  He even asks for a treat: the slave girl Mira.  When she comes to his cell, he asks her to make sure the gate between the ludus and the villa is open during the fight.  She reluctantly agrees, but her price is sex with Spartacus, right here, right now.

The Big Fight at the Party:  At first, Mira is unable to steal away from Lucretia's side to open the gate.  As they grapple on the sands of the ludus, Spartacus asks Crixus to stand with him and his rebels.  Crixus refuses.

One Day Ago:  The doctore tells Crixus that when he is freed and in charge of the ludus, he'll bring Navia [Lavia?] back - all Crixus must do is get rid of Spartacus so he doesn't mess things up.  Lucretia is enjoying bossing Ilythia around, making her invite all her wealthy friends to the party, and even writing a little speech for her to give on her absent husband's behalf.  Ilythia is getting extremely cranky about this.  Down in the ludus, Spartacus approaches Crixus to join the rebellion, knowing that the other Gallic gladiators aren't likely to help if Crixus won't.  Crixus refuses but they do make promises to each other: if Crixus dies, Spartacus will find and free Navia; if Spartacus is the one to fall, Crixus will one day murder the hell out of Batiatus.  Asher, however, on Batiatus's orders, has obtained a potion that will weaken Crixus so that Spartacus is guaranteed a victory.

Big Fight:  Spartacus and Crixus are, of course, evenly matched with no sign of Crixus weakening yet.  Mira, however, has stabbed a guard in the neck, killing him.  She takes the guard's keys and opens the gateway between the ludus and the villa.

Morning of the Big Fight:  Batiatus is giddy with anticipation.  Lucreita pays Crixus a visit, telling him that it is his child she is carrying; when that does not sway him, when he continues to profess his love for Navia, she furiously lets him drinks from the cup Asher dosed.  Spartacus tries to make nice with Aurelia, Varro's widow, telling her that the magistrate's son Nimerius forced him to kill her husband. 

Big Fight:  Crixus begins to weaken and Spartacus tosses him around some, but tells him that he doesn't want to win this way.  Crixus pauses, then agrees to join Spartacus's rebellion.  Spartacus runs up and launches himself off Crixus's shield, vaulting up to the balcony.  He strikes at Batiatus but the wily dominus shoves an innocent bystander in front of himself and the guy takes a sword through the head.  The doctore's whip catches the Thracian's arm - until Crixus severs the whip with his own sword.  The guests panic, running screaming into the villa.  Crixus looks at the other gladiators and roars: "KILL THEM ALL!"  And then chaos and awesome violence ensue.  I can't even describe it - it's insane.

After the guards are killed, the gladiators enter the villa through the open gate and start slicing and dicing the unarmed patricians.  This is compounded by the fact that Ilythia takes the Roman soldiers and leaves, ordering the soldiers to seal the villa's doors from the outside, trapping everyone inside.  Nice.  Crixus finds Lucretia and asks her where she sent Navia.  She pleads for the life of their child and he replies that he'd rather see it dead than suckle from her breast - then he pushes his sword into her belly [not a euphemism]. Aurelia leads Nimerius off, ostensibly to safety, then asks him why he ordered her husband dead.  "Varro deserved to die," says the callow boy, and tiny little Aurelia pounces on him, stabbing him to death with a dagger and screaming.

In the main courtyard, the gladiators have Batiatus surrounded.  A badly wounded Lucretai tries to come to her husband but Spartacus bars the way.  There is some talk about how much does a husband want to hold his wife again ... and then Spartacus slices Batiatus's throat, nearly beheading him.  The immediate battle done, Spartacus looks 'round at the assembled gladiators and house slaves and makes a little speech: "...I would not see the passing of a brother for the purpose of sport.  I did this thing because it is just.  Blood demands blood ... It is done.  Your lives are your own.  Go your own path or join with us - and see Rome tremble!"  And the rebel survivors walk out of the ludus courtyard and into their futures.

Seriously: holy shit, nearly everyone is dead now.  This is who is left: Spartacus, Crixus, the doctore, Asher (who slunk off during the melee), Mira, Aurelia, Ilythia, a bunch of unnamed gladiators and - possibly - Lucretia.  This is a silly show, with weak dialogue and less than stellar acting, a focus on gratuitous sex and violence ... and damned if it didn't suck me right in.  Unfortunately, darling Andy Whitfield has had a recurrence of his non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and they've had to recast the role of Spartacus.  We'll see how the new guy does.  In the meantime, there's a prequel out now, set about five years before the beginning of S:BaS S1, showing the rise of Batiatus and Lucretia.  Since John Hannah and Lucy Lawless are quite entertaining scenery-chewers, I'll be picking that up when it hits DVD (as I am too cheap to pay for Starz).  Until then, let's all think positive thoughts for Andy Whitfield because, DAMN, man looks good in a leather loincloth. 

Spartacus: Blood and Sand S1E11 and 12

Episode 11, "Old Wounds" - Poor Spartacus struggles in the wake of Varro's death, unable to focus on his training, seeing spectres of his dead friend (and also Spartacus's dead wife) telling him to "mind the wound."  At first Spartacus thinks these visions mean the slight wound Varro gave him in their exhibition. 

Batiatus is taking his future into his own greedy hands: he kidnaps the magistrate, then promises Spartacus that the magistrate and his "whelp" will pay for the pain they have caused in insisting on Varro's death.  When Spartacus is chosen to fight in the primus in the games against Pompei, he asks that his winnings be given to Varro's widow; Batiatus thinks this is lovely and vows to match the purse.  Then he trots down to the sewers where the magistrate is stashed, planning to gloat.  The magistrate spits at him, saying that Batiatus is a low creature, only tolerated because the Champion of Capua is in his ludus - when Spartacus falls in the ring, Batiatus will also fall from favor.

Spartacus's wound becomes infected and he is confined to the infirmary; Crixus will fight in his place in the primus.  It goes badly at first, but as the rock guitars swell in the soundtrack, Crixus wins his match, ultimately putting the heel of his sandal through his opponent's skull.  Yuck.  Up in the box seats, a messenger tells the assembled patricians that the magistrate has been kidnapped.  Batiatus springs up and offers his men for the search and rescue.  Out in the town, Asher finds Batiatus's nemesis, rival ludus owner Solonius, and tells him that Batiatus kidnapped the magistrate.  He is clearly setting Solonius up: as Solonius rushes to the sewers, he finds the magistrate, throat cut, just as the search party arrives.  Solonius is arrested and dragged away while Batiatus grins.

In the infirmary, Spartacus awakens to find one of Batiatus's henchmen lying on the table beside him.  It's the man who brought the dying Zora to the ludus, claiming to have been beset by ruffians, and sporting a gut wound.  But there is no wound, no scar on this man's belly now.  Spartacus jumps on him, chokes the truth out of him - that Batiatus ordered Zora's death - and then chokes the life out of him.  All of a sudden, he's got clarity and focus again.  And when Batiatus commends him later, as he spars in the practice yard, Spartacus snarls, "I am myself again."

Episode 12, "Revelations" - It's stadium time again.  The dotore becomes suspicious when Spartacus mentions that although he's made many mistakes since becoming champion, he intends to make up for them soon.  When Spartacus is sent into the ring - and Oh. My. God. is Andy Whitfield gorgeous - his match is to be Solonius's execution.  Solonius tells the gladiator that Batiatus is the villain, not him; Spartacus promises him that Batiatus will be joining him shortly.  Solonius is still laughing at that when Spartacus knocks his head right off his body.  That evening, when the slave girl Mira is sent to Spartacus as a reward/diversion, he tells her that he knows that Batiatus had his wife killed.  She pleads with him not to attempt revenge since under Roman law, if a slave kills his master, all the other household slaves will be put to death.  Spartacus doesn't seem to care all that much.

As requested by Lucretia, Ilythia has asked her husband, the Legatus Glaba, to be patron of Batiatus's ludus.  Glaba is not inclined to do so, and makes veiled accusations towards Batiatus because of the recent spate of murders and disappearances in Capua.  Later, Ilythia tells Glaba to play along a little, toy with Batiatus and Lucretia.  Then she jumps his bones.

When Glaba and Ilythia go to the ludus, Glaba insists that the gladiators be brought up to the villa.  He wants a demonstration:  Spartacus, armed only with a practice sword, against one of Glaba's armed soldiers.  When Spartacus defeats the man, two more step up.  When he puts them down, the remaining five come after him.  It takes a while, but he clobbers them all.  Glaba is not happy at this, the worst [former] soldier in his platoon having become the greatest gladiator of Capua.  He says that he'll be Batiatus's patron if Spartacus will kneel before him.  Amazingly (and obviously with his own agenda in mind), the Thracian does so.  Still, Glaba balks and is about to leave when Batiatus plays his ace: he shows Glaba the severed hand of Lykinia, she whom Ilythia murdered in her post-coital rage.  That does it - patronage granted.  But Ilythia gets backhanded across the face and her husband tells her that she will not be returning to Rome with him.

Meanwhile, a bunch of other things happen.  Like, Lucretia finds out about Crixus's illicit love affair with her slave girl (Lavia?) and becomes enraged, beating the girl, cutting off all her hair and sending her away.  Crixus gets whipped for his indiscretions.  Lavia tells the dotore that Batiatus had Barca killed when he tried to purchase his freedom - and the dotore is quite upset about that.  And Spartacus begins to speak of rebellion among the other gladiators.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand S1E9 and 10

Episode 9, "Whore" - This episode might have been better named "Whores" because pretty much everyone in it is one, in some form or another.  Lykinia, one of Ilythia's highborn bitch-friends, has approached Lucretia: she's got an itch she wants Spartacus to scratch for her, but is concerned that her husband and all soceity might find out, which would ruin her.  Lucretia, ever looking to advance herself in society says not to worry, she can arrange things without anyone knowing ... and then Ilythia waltzes in, quickly deducing what Lykinia is up to.  Ilythia promises to keep the secret but Lucretia still worries.  When Batiatus informs Spartacus of his upcoming performance, Spartacus surprisingly agrees to it - he must be getting the hang of this Champion of Capua thing.

Crixus is finally released back to the practice yard by the medicus; Asha gets his leg brace off and wants to resume practice as well, but Batiatus tells him that his fighting days are over and he's more valuable to the ludus behind the scenes.  His honor hurt by this, Asha finds Solonius in the marketplace and informs him - for a price - that Batiatus will be making an attempt on his life soon.  Solonius is happy to pay for this information.  Lucretia (Lucy Lawless topless in the bath!) takes advantage of Batiatus's errands in town to call Crixus back to her bed; post-coitally, she snuggles into his beefy arms and tells him she loves him.

Shortly thereafter, Ilythia stops by again and confesses to wanting a little one-on-one gladiator time herself.  Lucretia is happy to set things up, for a price, until she learns that Ilythia wants Crixus between her own slender thighs.  This sets off QUITE a fit of pique and Lucretia can scarcely get herself under control before her husband starts wondering why she's so worked up about a gladiator.  She is PISSED, however, and vows to regain her honor.

The night of Spartacus's engagement, Lucretia hands him a mask and bids him to speak no words to this highborn Roman lady he's about to boink.  Her slaves wash him and cover him with gold until he looks like a statue.  He comes to the bedchamber where the woman lies before him, naked except for her own mask.  They go at it - and how! - passion building and building until Lucretia tears open the bedcurtains, the real Lykinia beside her.  "Oh," she mocks, "I guess we got here before Spartacus was done with Ilythia."  Spartacus pulls off his mask, then tears the mask off the woman beneath him.  It is Ilythia - and the horror is bald on both their faces, that they should be enjoying the bodies of their enemy so much.  Spartacus lunges at Ilythia, choking her, until guards pull him away.  Then Lykinia starts laughing and laughing.  Ilythia screams at her to stop but she won't, so Ilythia tackles her and beats her brains out on the marble floor.  Seriously: teeth scatter.

In the aftermath, Batiatus actually apologizes to Spartacus for having allowed him to be coupled with Ilythia; in return, the gladiator apologizes for having tried to choke her.  Heh.  Ilythia is a wreck at having killed a peer but Lucretia soothes her, promises to protect her and get rid of the body, all the while gloating at the position of power she's now in.

Episode 10, "Party Favors" - When the magistrate's son, Nimerius, is about to turn fifteen, he wants to have a gladiatorial contest at the party.  Batiatus and Lucretia offer to have the whole shindig at the ludus, thinking that they might be able to use the event to their societal advantage, plus Batiatus is beginning to have political aspirations.  They sweeten the pot with offering up an exhibition between Spartacus and Crixus and the magistrate's family is delighted.  Crixus is tiring of being referred to as the "former champion of Capua" and decides that the exhibition may have to be the end of Spartacus.

Lucretia insists that Ilythia, who is in hiding at the ludus, afraid to go out into society for fear that her crime will be apparent, invite all her high society friends to the birthday party.  She also suggests that Ilythia get her act together: Lykinia's body will never be found, and no one knew she was ever here.  Ilythia spends some time gazing out over the gladiators' practice yard and notices that Spartacus and Varo have become pretty good friends.  That old evil twinkle appears in her eye again.

The magistrate's family arrives early for the party and Batiatus tries several times to talk to the magistrate about support for his political endeavors, to no avail.  Nimerius gets dirty practicing with Spartacus on the gladiators' sands.  When he is sent to the bath to clean up, Ilythia finds him there.  She wants something and knows the best way to get it from a fifteen year old boy is to undress and climb into the bath with him.

Once the party is underway, Batiatus announces the exhibition between Spartacus and Crixus - but Nimerius, with a quick look at Ilythia, requests that Spartacus and Varo fight instead (which makes Crixus pout).  They do, each drawing a little blood from the other, until Spartacus gets the better of his buddy and Varo surrenders.  In the spirit of the game, Batiatus asks Nimerius what his decision is.  With another quick look at Ilythia, Nimerius deliberately points his thumb down: the sign for execution.  Batiatus stutters that this is just for fun, but the magistrate is inclined to indulge the birthday boy and says he'll compensate the ludus for Varo.

Things get tense quickly when Spartacus, horrified at what he's being told to do, hesitates to kill Varo.  The guards advance, swords drawn.  Varo looks up at his friend and says that if Spartacus doesn't kill him, they will both end up dead.  Spartacus is crying, unable to move, so Varo reaches up, grabs Spartacus's sword, and drives it into his own neck, forcing Spartacus to give him a mercy stroke.  As Varo fall to the floor, blonde curls in the pool of his spreading blood, the image is near mirror to that of Lykinia after Ilythia killed her.  Shocked, Spartacus looks up and catches Ilythia's eye - she smiles evilly, satisfied.

Later, as the party winds down, Batiatus finally catches the magistrate and asks about running for political office.  The magistrate manages to not laugh out loud, but tells him that politics is better left to those bred for it - Batiatus is just not high class enough.  When Lucretia runs up to ask how it went, her husband growls through clenched teeth that he will be repaid in blood.

Also bloody?  Spartacus, in his cell, as he rages and beats his fists against the walls, anguished over having murdered his only friend.  Seems being the Champion of Capua is not all that great after all.

Well, huh

That's it for Max Headroom, I guess.  Blockbuster.com sent me one more disk, but all that had was extras (long-winded British people talking and talking and talking), so the series ends with "Baby Grobags."  In truth, I was getting a little tired of the show, especially once they pushed ol' Max to the periphery but now that I know I can't have any more, I want more.

Mr. Mouse has control of the remote tonight, watching some exceedingly boring biography of Robert E. Lee or a documentary on dry erase boards or something (I can't be bothered to pay any attention to non-fiction).  But two new Blockbuster DVDs were delivered today: another Spartacus (!!!!!) and Get Him to the Greek, so stay tuned.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand S1E7 and 8

Episode 7, "Great and Unfortunate Things" - [Quibble: I find it slightly unfortunate that E6 was titled "Delicate Things" and this one "Great and Unfortunate Things" ... the writers don't have a thesaurus?]  Moving on: Batiatus generously allows Spartacus to honor his poor dead wife with a funeral pyre.  Spartacus is very sad and not really in the mood for training.  The dotore (?) knows Spartacus was thinking about escaping with Sora and warns that next time the Thracian had better kill him instead of just drugging him, and then he pounds on the new widower for a while.  Crixus isn't doing that well either: he's got a fever what with his horrific wounds having gotten infected.  Later on, Spartacus learns that one of the other gladiators has been taking advantage of Barca's absence and is abusing little Petros, raping and beating him.  Our hero is SO not in the mood for this and simply throws the abusive gladiator off the cliff during practice.  Everyone thinks that was a shitty thing to do: sure, that guy shouldn't have been hurting Petros, but he was a gladiator and deserved to die in the ring, not tossed away like trash.

The next games in Capua are a celebration of some old Roman soldier and are to be a reenactment of his victory over a bunch of Thracians.  Batiatus wants Spartacus to play the part of the Roman hero; the tricky bit is that the Thracians he will be fighting are actually Thracian prisoners.  Spartacus is really not keen on fighting his countrymen until he realizes that this might be his out: he agrees, but only if the fight will be six Thracians to his one "Roman."  You know, gladiator-assisted suicide.  The fight goes badly at first, as one might suspect in a 6 v. 1 battle.  But then something awakens in Spartacus and he kills the hell out of all six Thracians, to the delight of the crowd - and Batiatus.  At the end, he renounces his old life, raising his arms and screaming, "I AM SPARTACUS!"

Episode 8, "Mark of the Brotherhood" - This new Spartacus has become quite the killing machine in the ring, laying waste to all comers.  The rich twit Ilythia is becoming bored and annoyed with her husband's nemesis's many victories and to keep her attention and patronage, Batiatus invites her to come see the newest crop of slaves he's buying, to check out the next generation of gladiators.  While Batiatus is at the slave market, Lucretia brings the recovering Crixus to her bed for some sexual healing.  Later, Ilythia reviews the new recruits - who include a couple of German brothers and a big Gaul with dreadlocks - she has them drops their loincloths and, unable to contain her leering, picks the Gaul (with the HUGE penis) to be "her" gladiator.  As Batiatus explains it, she'll pay for his food and training and he'll bring her glory in the ring - eventually.

When Crixus returns to the gladiators' quarters, he finds that the balance of power has changed; he is no longer the boss - Spartacus is.  Crixus can scarcely stand it and, faced with his venomous hatred of the Thracian (which is in part because Spartacus will not revel in the brotherhood of the gladiators as Crixus thinks he should), Batiatus considers selling the former champion off to some hick ludus in Damascus.  Lucretia gets very upset at the thought of losing her favorite.  To try to prove his worth, Crixus challenges Spartacus in the practice yard, but he has not nearly regained his strength and Spartacus handily kicks his ass and shames him further.  However, when Ilythia's Gaul, under orders from his new mistress, tries to strangle Spartacus in the bathing chamber, Crixus hears the struggle and saves Spartacus's life - saying that he is merely saving the life of a brother in arms, who deserves to die in the ring, not drowned in the bath.  As punishment, the Gaul recruit is castrated and strung up on a crucifix.  To his credit, he never sells out his scheming mistress, even as he dies up there on the wall.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand S1E5 and 6

Episode 5, "Shadow Games" - In an attempt to please the gods and put an end to the drought, Capua's magistrate is putting on some games, thinking that the human sacrifices (dead gladiators) might make it rain.  The magistrate wants some big guns for the primus (main fight): hiring Crixus AND Spartacus to fight against Theokoles, some undefeated monster of a man who goes by the charming nickname, the Shadow of Death.  Realizing that the odds are against them, Spartacus tries to get Crixus to work with him, to fight as a team against their common enemy.  But Crixus doesn't trust the Thracian, saying that he doesn't believe in the way of the gladiator, of glory - it's each man for himself.  In the less-testosterony portion of the plot, Batiatus starts an investigation into who tried to have him killed down in the Pits.  He learns that Solonius, a rival ludus owner, hired Whatsisname, to whom Batiatus owed a lot of money, to take care of it; instead, Batiatus takes Barca, one of his pet gladiators with him to Whatsisname's house to slaughter Whatsisname's entire family - Barca does it, but is unhappy about killing the little boy. 

Meanwhile, snooty little Ilythia condescends to arrange for a priestess of Juno to examine Lucretia to discover why she and Batiatus have been unable to have children.  The ritual demands that Lucretia have sex within the hour, but Batiatus is off investigating his would-be assassins, and when she summons Crixus to her bedchamber, the big lug pleads off, saying sex would drain him before the big fight.  Poor Lucretia.  Finally, at the primus, we see Theokoles: a scarred, misshapen giant, scarcely human, wielding two swords and no shields.  In no time at all, Spartacus and Crixus lay him out ... but it's a trick, and the monster comes at them while Crixus is celebrating, and wounds him badly.  Spartacus is left to press the attack alone, which he does mightily, at last decapitating the legend.  As the slaves drag the bleeding Crixus out of the arena, the skies darken and rain pours down, drenching our Spartacus, the new champion of Capua.

Nudity alert: to prove how much Spartacus and Crixus don't like each other, they do some nekkid wrestling in the gladiators' bathing chamber - yay! 

Episode 6, "Delicate Things" - It's still raining as Batiatus gives a victory speech back at the ludus - he's very pleased with ol' Spartacus.  And so he is also pleased to give our hero some good news: he, Batiatus, has found Spartacus's wife and she'll be brought to the ludus to serve as a slave until her husband wins enough coin to free them both.  I guess that is good news.  Downstairs, Crixus is in wicked bad shape as the medicus closes his wounds with a hot poker.  Spartacus does not intend to rescue his wife only to condemn her to another life of slavery and begins to plot to escape the ludus once Sora is delivered.   There is more conniving in the ludus and Barca, who is genuinely a nice fellow (recent murders notwithstanding) and only wants to gain freedom for himself and his little honeyboy Petros, is betrayed: Batiatus is led to believe that Barca did not in fact kill Whatsisname's little boy, who might be able to identify his family's killer, and so has poor Barca killed for disobedience.  They tell poor Petros that Barca was able to only buy his own freedom and left his little lover behind.

Spartacus's plan to escape with his wife is in place ... but when the cart bringing her arrives, she is terribly wounded, the cart purportedly having been attack whilst on route.  Sora dies in her husband's arms and it's all very sad.  Of course, this was Batiatus's doing: he only promised to reunite the two - he had no intention of letting his prize gladiator get away from him.  Lucretia is first horrified by then impressed with her husband's ruthlessness. 

Nudity alert: Lucy Lawless fully topless in the bath halfway through the episode!

Spartacus: Blood and Sand S1E3 and 4

In E3, the gladiators' training begins in earnest with much grunting, sweating, bashing about with practice swords and lifting of heavy things.  Spartacus is not much getting along with Crixus the Undefeated, Batiatus's prize gladiator (and Batiatus's wife Lucretia's occasional sex toy).  But Spartacus is determined to make a go of it, especially since Batiatus told him that he'll need much money to buy his wife's freedom, once Batiatus has located her.  So when Batiatus and Lucretia organize a gladiator tournament for the city of Capua, in an attempt to curry favor with Capua's senator, both Spartacus and his new BFF Varro (who needs money to settle his gambling debts), hope to garner places in the tournament that will net them some cash.

During the pre-tournament party, the Senator's hedonistic and snobby daughter Ilithyia develops a yen for gladiators, which includes watching with rapt attention when Lucretia orders Varro to service a slave girl in front of the guests.  Lucretia's delight at Ilithyia's delight is short-lived, however when the spoiled girl's short attention span turns elsewhere.  At the party, Spartacus learns that he and Varro are to fight in the first match, which will bring neither of them any cash, so he picks a fight with Crixus, in front of all the guests, forcing Batiatus to proclaim Crixus vs. Spartacus as the headlining fight to appease his audience.

Of course, in the tournament the next day, poor Spartacus is no match for Crixus who nearly kills him before Spartacus begs for mercy.  Batiatus grants it, sparing Spartacus's life, but the Capuan crowd is displeased at the mercy and Batiatus ends up losing a lot of money on the event.  To punish Spartacus for his major mistake, he kicks him off the gladiator team, saying that he must fight in the "underworld" until he dies or wins back favor.

S4 is Spartacus's trials and tribulations in the underworld: unsanctioned, highly-dangerous and -illegal fights to the death that take place in the catacombs beneath Capua.  It's all very ugly - the crowd especially is ugly, screaming for painful death for the combatants - and Spartacus has to dig deep to find the wherewithal to keep himself alive.  But he does, winning match after match (and gaining vicious scar after scar), and winning money for Batiatus, who sorely needs the cash to pay off his impatient bookies. 

After a time, however, Spartacus can take no more and tells Batiatus that if he will promise to rescue his wife, Spartacus will throw the fight: Batiatus should bet all he has against Spartacus; the Thracian will die; and Batiatus will make a killing.  The greedy Batiatus agrees but during the fight, as Spartacus is getting brutally pummeled, assassins make a move on Batiatus.  Knowing that a dead Batiatus will not be able to save his wife, Spartacus saves his master's life, and kills his opponent in the process.  Batiatus is in a tough position now: he's lost all the money he bet against his own man, but his life has been saved.  Troubled but grateful, he reinstalls Spartacus in the ranks of his gladiators.

In the B-plot, Crixus is not just a mass of muscles as he is secretly in love with one of Lucretia's slaves.  They must keep it hidden, however, because Lucretia (Lucy Lawless) is a jealous and vindictive woman.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand - S1E1 and 2

Starz's pay-cable series, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, is awesome.  Take the bloated Russell Crowe vehicle Gladiator, mix it with Gerard Butler's 300, add a TON more gratuitous nudity and even more heavily-stylized blood splashing across the screen ... and you've got Spartacus: Blood and Sand.  Seriously: the fight scenes are taken right from 300, what with the freeze-frames and the pseudo-motion capture and the gushing blood, and the revenge story is totally taken from Gladiator, except that our hero (played by yummy Welshman Andy Whitfield, now undergoing treatment for non-Hodgkins lymphoma and we wish him wellness) is a Thracian, not a disgraced Roman general.

In the first episode, the Thracians join forces with a Roman legion ostensibly to protect their villages from marauding raiders but when the Romans change their tactics, leaving Thrace vulnerable, the Thracian soldiers desert.  The Romans don't take kindly to that and capture the deserters, ripping them from home and family and forcing them into either slavery or, if they're tough enough, the enforced servitude of gladiatorship.  In the second episode, Spartacus - not his real, Thracian name, but we don't know what that is - learns what it's like to be in a gladiator training house: ugly, brutal and bloody, with multiple glimpses of full-frontal male nudity plus lots of nekkid butts.  Our hero is not inclined to fight, even to save his life, until his new master promises to help him find/rescue his beautiful wife, raped by the Romans and sold into slavery.

Solid female full-frontal nudity, quick and distant male full-montys, lots of boobs, serious sex scenes, sweat and dirt and blood and swear words (who knew the ancient Romans dropped so many f-bombs?) ... this series is hard to take seriously but is a lot of fun to watch if you're in it for the violence and eye candy.  Lucy Lawless, she of Xena and (to a lesser extent) BSG fame, plays the wife of the owner of the gladiators.  She's 42 and flashes a lot of skin - bare boobs and butt - and good for her as she looks great.

Despite being a decent success (word is, it improves as the season continues), S:BaS is in hiatus now, due to its lead actor's cancer.  I've heard both that they may recast the lead or they'll wait and see how his treatment goes.  Frankly, I'd like to see them wait for Andy Whitfield: after two episodes, he's good but not great, but with a twinkle in his eye that promises more, and DANG I approve of the tiny leather loincloth wardrobe has him in.  I'll keep up with these mini-recaps through the season, with more detail now that I've committed to the show.