Fifteenth Annual FMSScarelicious October Movie Series: #6 Creepshow III (2007)

 I will literally never learn.  I love horror anthologies and yet they are so rarely much good.  I know this, and I should have known better than to watch Creepshow III.  And yet.  For clarity's sake, this is "horror-comedy" but it's not that funny and other than some light gore, isn't that horror-y either.  It does work really hard to connect all the stories, so points for that, I guess. COMPLETE SPOILERS AHEAD so you don't actually have to watch this yourself.

"Alice" is the first, very short installment.  Alice is a dissatisfied and mean teen who hates her suburban neighborhood.  When her police detective (this will be important later) dad gets a new universal remote, Alice somehow keeps getting transported to alt-realities and when she does manage to get back to her own, she is horribly mutated.  A neighbor, Professor Dayton (this will be important later), is the culprit, inventing the device.  Alice finally turns into a white rabbit (literary allusion!) and the professor scoops her up and takes her home.

In "The Radio," security guard Jerry, who lives on a super-sketchy block in an apartment building occupied by a lot of hookers, buys a radio from a homeless dude.  He starts hearing voices on the radio - more specifically, one voice - who tells him how to rob the pimp, kill people who get in his way, and escape with the money.  The police detective investigating the recent murders is Alice's police detective dad.

"Call Girl" is about one of the hookers in Jerry's building, Rachel, who is also very stabby with her customers.  Like, serial-killery.  She gets called out to the suburbs, just down the street from Alice's house and the professor's house, and flirts with a couple of doofuses who ogle her.  When she goes in the house, she doesn't notice that the guy she's there for has already killed the actual family who lives there.  When she kills him, it doesn't take because he's some kind of toothy monster.  It doesn't make a lot of sense.  She doesn't survive the encounter.

In "The Professor's Wife," the two doofuses who ogled Rachel have been invited to Prof. Dayton's house.  They think he's going to show them the invention he's been working on for so many years but he really just wants them to meet his bride-to-be.  They think she's the invention - a robot - and try to dismantle her.  This vignette is probably the closest to "funny" that we get.

The last chapter, "Haunted Dog," is about this asshole doctor doing community service.  He ends up accidentally killing a homeless guy, who chokes on the hot dog the doc gave him, and the guy's ghost follows him.  The doc spends a lot of time at a party peopled by toothy-monster guy from "Call Girl" but that just seems super-random.  Anyway, the doc ends up getting scared to death because this movie is SO DUMB.