Sookie returns to the faerie realm where Warlow is just finishing putting together the most sparkly, flowery May pole you've ever seen. There's some stupid faerie ceremony to wed the two of them, he explains, but she interrupts, saying that she'd maybe like to postpone their wedding/her transformation, and maybe they could just date a while first, get to know one another. Like flipping a switch, Warlow turns on her [This character is so inconsistent: first he was all evil and scary, then he was all in love and flowery, and now he's all scary again? So annoying]. He hits her across the face, grabs her by the throat and ties her to the damn May pole, growling, "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"
Back at Bill's, vampires are HILARIOUSLY playing volleyball to "Wishing Well" by Belly - because everyone knows vampires love 1990s alt-pop. Tara notices Pam, sulking to one side, mood obviously changed. Pam is going after Eric and Tara is pissed off but can't do anything to stop her. Pam tells her to take care of Willa (who is so oblivious that she hasn't noticed Eric is gone) and flies way as Tara growls, "You guys are the worst fuckin' makers." In the house, Jessica finds Bill who is SO SAD to learn that since he was so far drained, he lost all of Lilith's blood and its accompanying powers: "I feel like Bill again.' He's also sad about Sookie and tells Jess about the deal Sookie made to save the vampires. Jessica is all, stop moping around and go save her then, for chrissakes. He is such a twat.
A little bit later, Bill, Jessica, Jason and Violet discuss how to save Sookie. But because she and Warlow are on that other plane, they need another faerie to get them there - and the only other faerie in Bon Temps is Andy's daughter Adalind. While Bill releases that scientist he had captive in the basement (glamouring him so he won't remember and giving him a big bag of money for his trouble) Jason and Violet go to the Bellefleurs. Andy is completely against the idea, of course, but Adalind stands up to her dad and says that she wants to help Sookie. So Andy and Jason arm themselves with lots of silver UV light bullets and wooden stakes and everyone traipses off to the cemetery.
Blah blah blah. Warlow is yapping to the captive Sookie. I DON'T CARE. And when night has fallen in the real world, he fangs up and bites her. In the real world, Bill, Jason, Jess, Andy, Violet and Adalind get to the cemetery. Adalind doesn't know how to use her faerie magic to transport them ("I'm two weeks old!"). Bill muses that fear is what usually rouses a fae's power and Violet's all, why didn't you say so? She fangs up and gets in Adalind's face, shrieking at her to use her power; terrified, Adalind does, bringing them all into the faerie world. Bill and Warlow fight while the rest of them rescue Sookie who is unconscious from the blood loss. They transfer back to Bon Temps, going back to the Stackhouse house. Jason and Violet revive Sookie while Andy hides Adalind in the basement safe room. Bill and Warlow transfer back over to the real world, continuing the fight there. Warlow easily overpowers pretty much everybody, locking them all down with Adalind while he goes after Sookie. She, meanwhile, has woken up and is hiding in the bathroom. He corners her there, Jason staggering up the stairs after him. Just before all is lost THANK GOODNESS Niall (remember him? stuck in that hell dimension so he can be a deus ex machina?) comes out of the portal in the bathroom and grabs Warlow so Jason can stake him. (I would think that it would take more than a simple wooden stake to kill a 5,500 year old vampire. But what do I know? In any case, what an utter waste of a villain.) Sookie and Jason pulls Niall out of the portal, saving him. There's a downside to killing Warlow: his magical blood dissipates, leaving all the vampires who used to be able to walk in the sun back the way they were. This is a problem, especially for Eric who was sunbathing naked on a glacier in Sweden. He screams and catches fire. Note: I refuse to believe that Eric is dead. I also appreciated the full frontal nudity, however brief.
SIX MONTHS LATER
Bill has written a book about Lilith and Hep V and what the former Governor did. And he goes on a book tour, trying to mend vampire/human relations. Back in Bon Temps, Sookie and Alcide (who has gotten a haircut, thank god) have shacked up. Also, Jason and Violet are still together. She has made him give her oral sex for the last 170 days with no reciprocation. He's wondering when he gets his turn. Not yet, says Violet.
What else has happened? Sam is now the mayor of Bon Temps and has sold Merlotte's to Arlene, who has renamed it Bellefleur's. And roving bands of Hep V infected vampires are throughout Louisiana, attacking small towns. The town calls a meeting at one of the churches, taking blood samples from all the humans to see if any of them are carriers for Hep V (which doesn't harm humans but can be transmitted). The reason for the meeting: Sam and Bill, with the local churches' support, think that the best way to protect the townsfolk is to pair each of them up with an uninfected vampire. The vampire gets clean blood to feed on (since Tru Blood is still no good) and the human gets protected by their vampire.
Some of the townsfolk think this is a terrible idea but some are amenable and attend a BBQ at Bellefleur's Bar & Grill later that night. Vampires and humans get paired off (Tara's mom makes amends with her estranged vampire daughter by offering to be her food, for example). Jessica, noticing that Andy and Adalind are not in attendance, goes to their home and offers her protection, without using them for food. Andy doesn't want to have anything to do with the vampire who killed his other three half-fae daughters but Jessica is not dissuaded, standing guard long after he has closed the door in her face.
Alcide and Sookie get their blood tests back - clean, of course - but neither is interested in pairing off with a vampire. As they head for home, Bill shows up and, holy hell, we're all back into let's-save-Sookie mode. Bill thinks she should hook up with him for protection because she's so delicious; Alcide is all growly and says he can protect her himself. EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS HER OWN FAERIE MAGIC. Then, both Bill and Alcide sniff the air: a huge swarm of infected vampires is converging on the party at Bellefleur's.
This? This is how you end the season? After a strong E9, you finish with this crap? Aaaarrrggghhh. This show pisses me off so much.
Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood