As I've mentioned before, I'm not a slasher movie fan. So when I do decide to watch one, I try to go for a classic one. I was actually looking forward to watching 1981's My Bloody Valentine, one of the earlier entries into the genre. Many horror fans are quite fond of the original MBV and I was therefore completely disappointed when I opened my Blockbuster.com DVD mailer to find the 2009 3D remake instead. (Yes, I still watch DVDs by mail. Don't judge.) It wasn't until I actually started watching the damn thing that I realize how frigging disappointed I was.
Here's the plot synopsis: A mine in Who-the-Hell-Cares, Pennsylvania, had a cave-in, due to an error by the mine owner's son, Tom Hanniger. A bunch of miners were trapped but only one - Harry Warden - survived because he killed all the others to save the oxygen. After his rescue, he somehow ended up in a coma until waking up in 1999, going on a rampage in which he slaughtered half the hospital staff and then pick-axing his way through a bunch of local teenagers who picked the mine's Tunnel No. 5 in which to party. He was shot by the sheriff and buried out in the woods; Tom Hanniger freaked out and left town. Ten years later, TOTALLY COINCIDENTALLY, on the day that Tom (Jensen Ackles) returns to town, a masked and pickaxe-carrying miner shows up and starts killing townsfolk left and right. The serial killer is, of course, presumed to be Harry Warden, back from the dead.
I'm sorry. I just ... I can't. This movie is so very bad. Unlike the original, the remake only has the most tenuous connection to Valentine's Day. There is no suspense whatsoever. I guessed the true identity of the killer within ten minutes. The acting is terrible. Even horror icon Tom Atkins can't save this bad, bad movie. Here are some quotes from my notes: "I am so bored. Why do you suppose I'm still watching this? This is by far the worst - at least The Convent was entertaining. I really wish Blockbuster had sent me the original one like I wanted. Also: way too long. [...] Tom Hanniger is crazy and this movie blows." I still want to see the 1981 version but I'm going to have to take a break from My Bloody Valentine for a while first until I can forget I saw this one.
Next up: Dog Soldiers
5 hours ago