Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #5 The Monkey

 As noted here before, Stephen King adaptations are hit or miss, despite how good his books are.  His short story collection, Skeleton Crew, out in a fortieth (!) anniversary edition, contains three stories that have been made into movies: The Mist, done by Frank Darabont, a strong showing with an even more brutal ending than the story; and The Raft, the best and grossest part of Creepshow 2.  And now comes the third, The Monkey, by Oz Perkins, in an absolute departure from that director's usual oeuvre.  

Here's what the movie has in common with the short story: brothers Hal and Bill; and a toy monkey that is a harbinger/brings about death, including orphaning the brothers.  What's different? Pretty much everything else, from the monkey having a drum (instead of cymbals), to Bill being a huge asshole and Hal hating him, to Hal's son Petey being a complete dickhead, to the sheer number of deaths, to how they end up getting rid of the monkey.

This is not the worst SK adaptation but it doesn't rank up there with the better ones.  Perkins has made a gleefully mean-spirited little flick, clearly relishing the opportunity to not be as moody as his prior movies.  There is a nice callback via naming the brothers' babysitter Annie Wilkes.  Some of the kills are clever and funny (lawnmower, tea kettle, snake, vape, wasps and an excellent schoolbus situation).  The Monkey isn't scary and while there are funny bits, it isn't a horror-comedy - the tone just seems a little uneven.  Nice mix of actors: Theo James, Adam Scott, Tatiana Maslany, Elijah Wood and Oz Perkins himself as "Uncle Chip."

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #4 Final Destination: Bloodlines

 You know, I don't know if I've actually ever watched any of the Final Destination movies.  Maybe the first one, ages and ages ago.  And I've certainly seen that iconic log truck disaster scene from #2.  But from what I've read, as the series went on, it largely devolved into one splashy/grisly Rube Goldberg sequence after another.  I'd had some recommendations for the latest installment, FD:B, and thought I'd give it a go.

PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD.  The opener has young Iris and her fella, Paul, enjoying opening night at the new Skyview Tower (think Seattle Spaceneedle).  It doesn't go all that well, although better than it could have due to Iris's premonition that enables her to save folks.  But anyone who has seen a FD movie knows that you can't cheat Death.  Iris manages to survive for decades, hidden and paranoid, but then Death comes for her, picking off not only her but - because Iris was pregnant at the time of the Skyview incident - also all her descendants because they aren't supposed to exist.  Carnage ensues.  

The cold open disaster is pretty operatic, with both CGI and practicall effects.  The subsequent kills are very bloody and creative, some squirm-laugh-inducing and sometimes just squirm-inducing.  While it certainly sticks to the formula that made the series famous, FD:B is fun, splashily gory, funny and shows sparks of heart, including a poignant send-off to Tony Todd in his last on-screen role.  Dunno if I'll seek out the rest of them, but this most recent one is worth the time.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #3 Death of a Unicorn

Here's the best thing about Death of a Unicorn: its cast.  Paul Rudd, Jenna Ortega, Richard E. Grant, Tea Leoni, Will Poulter, Anthony Carrigan.  The rest of everything about this movie? Bad.  It's pretty bad.

As father (PR) and daughter (JO) are on their way to meet with PR's ultrawealthy clients, they hit a baby unicorn with their car.  They don't kill it - although they think they do after PR tries to put it out of its misery with a tire iron - and they put it into their car, rather than leaving it on the side of the road.  That evening, it becomes evident that unicorn blood has healing powers, having splashed all over PR and JO during the tire iron incident, and subsequently curing her acne and his nearsightedness and allergies.  The client family are pharma-douches, and the patriarch (REG) is dying from cancer, so when the baby unicorn busts its way out of their car, they kill it (again) to use its blood to cure him.  Everyone is very excited about all the money they're going to make - except for JO, who is sad - and they don't notice the parent unicorns coming to avenge their baby.

The unicorns are all CGI (there may have been one practical effect late in the game for a closeup) and it's very bad.  It isn't scary and because the CGI is so awful, the gore is lame too, except for when TL gets her guts pulled out by the papa unicorn.  Will Poulter is quite good and funny as the insufferable rich kid but Paul Rudd seems miscast.  Terrible movie with really nothing to redeem it, cannot recommend.  I mean, this poster is cool though.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #2 Heart Eyes

 I have a friend from grade school (!!!!) who has been urging me to watch Heart Eyes.  We both love horror movies, and although they have a higher tolerance for jump scares and really nasty stuff than I do, and they didn't like Midsommar (!!!?!), I tend to seek out their recommendations.  It's on Netflix, for those interested.

The movie dives right into it: over the past couple of years, a serial killer has been targeting couples on Valentine's Day in different cities.  Now it's February 14 in Seattle, and the ol' Heart Eyes Killer (or "HEK" for short) is at it again, making mincemeat of a couple in their tacky, staged "surprise" proposal at a local winery.  The bride-to-be gets squishy in a grape press, to good effect.  Oh.  Spoiler.

Going on at the same time, Alli is struggling in her advertising job and her ruthless boss has brought in a ringer, Jay.  Of course, just before the big meeting, Alli and Jay have a meet-cute in a coffee shop, so things are awkward.  Jay asks Ally out for dinner so they can work on the replacement ad pitch and while they're there, HEK picks them out for murderin'.  "But we're not a couple!" they shriek, as the maniac chases them.

Heart Eyes is pretty cute for a horror film, billed as a horror rom-com.  While it isn't scary or even at all tense, some of the kills are pretty bloody.  I thought the killer's mask was cool with its light-up eyes.  I liked the female lead and it was nice to see Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster pop up as detectives investigating the Seattle HEK murders, in callbacks to some late 90s/early 00s horror (Final Destination and The Faculty, respectively.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #1 Longlegs

We ended last year's October movie series with a Nicolas Cage movie and by heck we're going to start this year's off with one too!

After young FBI agent Lee Harker (Maika Monroe, from It Follows) has an accurate and unusual hunch right before her partner gets killed, she gets reassigned to a serial killer case.  The senior agent (Blair Underwood) is hoping her sixth sense will help them solve the string of ten different families being murdered under very strange circumstances.  More than that, Harker finds that she is connected to the case, which is confirmed by a recently re-awakened mental patient (Kiernan Shipka) and Harker's own mother (Alicia Witt), who seems just this side of disturbed herself.

Nicolas Cage plays Longlegs, the Big Bad (NOT A SPOILER), of course.  He is nearly unrecognizable under the make-up and he is very creepy.  Maika Monroe is terrific: tense, angular, innocent, awkward, horrified, contained.

Written and directed by Osgood Perkins (Psycho's Anthony Perkins's kid), Longlegs is unsettling,  moody, slowly paced and weird as fuck, punctuated with startling bursts of violence.  Oz Perkins is making a name for himself with sophisticated, uber-atmospheric horror: see also The Blackcoat's Daughter, I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House, Gretel & Hansel).  And this one is at the top of the list. 

August reads

It's only September 6 and already August seems so long ago.  Here's what I read way back when.

• Senseless by Ronald Malfi.  A horror thriller set in Los Angeles, this has three storylines that sort of come together at the end.  One follows a cop, trying to solve some gruesome murders; one follows a soon-to-be trophy wife whose soon-to-be husband isn't quite who he says he is; and the third is about a mentally unstable dude who thinks he's a human fly.  Didn't love it.
• The Ruins by Scott Smith.  Way back in 2008, I reviewed the movie made out of this horror novel.  The book is decent and now I feel like I want to see the movie again.
• This Tender Land by William Kent Krueger.  An American epic, loosely based on Homer's Odyssey, about four Great Depression-era orphans escaping from a Native American boarding school.  Pretty good.
• Spider Woman's Daughter by Anne Hillerman.  The author, daughter of Tony Hillerman, continues her dad's Leaphorn and Chee series with a focus on Navajo policewoman Bernadette Manualito, Jim Chee's wife, out to solve the case after Joe Leaphorn is shot.
• Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear.  In which I discover the wonderful British murder mystery series with psychologist and investigator Maisie Dobbs at the center.  This first book introduces us to the remarkable Maisie, who worked her way up from household help to WWI nurse to astute investigator.  In addition to the protagonist being a great character, I am not as familiar with the Great War as I should be, so the history is interesting too.  Loved it.  And am now working my way through the rest of the series.
• Birds of a Feather by Jacqueline Winspear.  Several years later, Maisie has now set up shop for herself, hired an assistant, Billy Beale, whom she first met as a nurse during the war, and is hired to track down a runaway heiress.  Loved it.
• Pardonable Lies by Jacqueline Winspear.  In the third book of the series, Maisie is forced to revisit her time in France during the war when she is hired to prove that her clients' son really died in combat.  Again, loved it.
• Shadowland by Peter Straub.  Described as "if Harry Potter were written for adults," this one has boarding school, malevolent sorcerors, blood and carnage.  When I was reading it whilst waiting for a car inspection, the cashier gushed about how much she loved it.  I was more meh about it.
• Malice House by Megan Shepherd.  Horror fantasy with art and books.  Protagonist and broke artist Haven has to clean out her famous author dad's home (the titular Malice House) after his death.  She uncovers a hitherto unknown manuscript containing new fairytales and decides to craft illustrations for some posthumous publishing.  Then things start going bump in the night.
• The Paleontologist by Luke Dumas.  Abducted sisters, creepy museums and dinosaurs.  I mean, what more do you need?
• Messenger of Truth by Jacqueline Winspear.  This time, now in 1931, Maisie is hired to investigate the death of a controversial artist.  Meanwhile, Britain is struggling with the legacy of WWI at home and the growing unrest in Germany and Italy.  I didn't love this one quite as much as the first three, but still quite, quite good.  I do love a British murder mystery.

There are eighteen Maisie Dobbs books (so far), so expect more of that to come.  

July reads

 Of the nine books I read in July, I really liked three of them and didn't hate any.  That's pretty good, right?

• Sunshine by Robin McKinley.  Magical humans, conflicted vampires, delicious pastry - I loved this award-winning fantasy.
• Just the Nicest Couple by Mary Kubica.  Since I had mostly liked Local Woman Missing, I thought I'd try another one by Kubica.  Didn't like this thriller as much but it was okay.  (Spoiler: they're not really the nicest.)
• The Butcher's Daughter by Corinne Leigh Clark and David Demchuk.  The "hitherto untold story of Mrs. Lovett," from Sweeney Todd.  I thought this was great fun, grim and dire and funny and bloody.
• Phaedra by Laura Shepperson.  There sure do seem to be a lot of new novels retelling/re-interpreting Greek myths these days.  I used to be obsessed with Greek mythology growing up so I am enjoying revisiting the stories this way.  This novel is a much more woman-positive retelling of Phaedra's story than most.
• William by Mason Coile.  This novella is part of my local library's summer reading program so I just picked it up on a whim.  Psychological horror + robots.  Not my favorite but it wasn't long.
• Nettle and Bone by T. Kingfisher.  This is the third one that I just loved, a fantasy/fairy tale about the third daughter who must complete impossible tasks to save her older sister from an evil husband.  What it really is about, however, is found family.
• Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher.  Another fairy tale, this time a hero-swapped version of Sleeping Beauty.  
• The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo.  A historical fantasy, set in Madrid during the Spanish Inquisition, this one focuses on Luzia, a Jewish servant who has to hide both her faith and her magic.  Most online reviews describe this one as a "slow burn," and I would agree with that; it took me a while to get into it but I was down for the ride by the end.
• Survivor by Tabitha King.  (Yes, TK is Stephen King's wife.)  After an automobile accident, Kissy Mellors's life is changed irrevocably.  This one felt like it could have used some ruthless editing.  There's no real plot to speak of, just meandering along through the protagonists' lives; Kissy (oh god I hate that name) makes terrible, inexplicable decisions about men and has lots of fairly explicit s3x (which is fine, but just be warned); and the very ending seems abrupt and from a totally different book.  Meh.

June reads

 Holy moly it's been so long since I read these books and then finally got around to posting about them that I have almost entirely forgotten what most of them are about.  Luckily there's the internet (and not, might I add, fucking AI which - has everyone forgotten about Terminator?).

• The Last Graduate by Naomi Novik.  #2 in the series (see A Deadly Education in my last post).  Loved it.
• The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik.  #3/last in the series (see above re same).  Also loved it.  Good fun.
• Buried Deep by Naomi Novik.  I'm on quite a NN tear, aren't I?  This is a collection of ghost stories.  Mixed bag.  Liked it, didn't love it.  Short stories are hard, y'all, but when they're good, they're great.
• Where I End by Sophie White.  Dark and disturbing, set on an isolated Irish island where Aoileann and her grandmother care for her disabled mother.  This one is brutal.  And the narrator, while deprived and abused, is unlikeable.  
• Just Like Home by Sarah Gailey.  After getting a call from her estranged mother, Vera Crowder comes home to care for her.  It's more complicated than that, though, because Vera's now-deceased father, whom she loved and who loved her, was a serial killer.  Her mother has been trading on that notoriety and all kinds of sketchy folks are attracted to it.  The characters are all interesting but unlikeable and things take a supernatural turn towards the end.  Meh.
• The Witch of Colchis by Rosie Hewlett.  There seems to be a recent surge of modern novelists taking a stab at ancient Greek mythology (just wait 'til the July reads).  I have a particular fondness for Medea, having done my senior Classics essay on her.
• Still Life by Sarah Winman.  I loved this one: set mostly in Florence, Italy, beginning at the end of WWII, this novel is about found family, art, luck, love and spies.
• The Grey Wolf by Louise Penny.  The nineteenth book in the Armand Gamache series, this one is a bit of a cliffhanger, to be finished with The Black Wolf.  Not necessary one of the strongest of Penny's mystery series but this one does bring back characters from previous books, for those who enjoy a callback.
• Local Woman Missing by Mary Kubica.  Mystery thriller.  Eleven years after she and her mom and another, unrealted woman go missing, Delilah reappears in the town she used to live in with her family, after having been locked in a cellar since she was a little girl.  Her reappearance overjoys her grieving father, annoys her little brother (who had preferred being an only child) and calls into question everything about the missing women.  Twisty.  I really enjoyed it right up until the ending.

So what sort of summer reads are you enjoying?

May reads

 Only eight this month.

• 20th Century Ghosts by Joe Hill.  This volume of short stories is a re-read.  Hill is, I think, as good at spooky short stories as his dad is.
• The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay.  And I think this one may be a re-read too, although I sure didn't think I had read it ... until I started it.  Brutal, heart-rending novel about a family on vacation and the dangerous home invaders who insist that one of them (the family) must choose to die in order to avoid the impending apocalypse.  Like, immediately.
• Sign Here by Claudia Lux (that must be a pen name, right?).  A mid-level desk jockey in Hell is on the verge of a promotion if he can just manage to get the right humans to sell their souls.  Uneven in tone, clever concept.
• Tin Man by Sarah Winman.  I really liked this one, character-driven and realistic, with nary a witch, warlock or dragon in sight.  Ellis and Michael meet as boys and grow up together.  Neither's life turns out quite as they thought but it turns out that chosen family is sometimes the very best family.
• Elemental Forces is another horror short story collection by various authors.  Mixed bag, much like the anthology movies I have such a weakness for.
• A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas.  The first book in the series, impoverished Feyre kills a wolf to help support her family.  The wolf is a faerie in disguise, however, and Feyre is whisked away to atone.  Her captor is, of course, tall and handsome and tormented.
• Time's Mouth by Edan Lepucki.  Set in mystical California, this book has multiple generations, a women-centric cult and time travel of a sort.  Each section is from a different character's POV; I liked Opal's best.
• A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik.  I may have read this one before - parts seemed awfully familiar - but this is great fun.  A boarding school for sorcerors where the school itself is actively trying to kill its students and the narrator is resisting turning into a world-destroying dark mage.  Funny, snarky, gory and immediately engaging.  The second in the series will be my first book ready in June.

April reads

 I'm late!  Which is hilarious, given how rarely I post on this little blog anymore.  But we were on vacation in the desert for ten days at the end of April/beginning of May and I read a bunch of books in between outdoors things and drinking (also sometimes outdoors), and then we came home and I got overwhelmed by laundry and real life and here we are, way late in sharing what I read in April.  Pluswhich, it's been so long I don't know how much I remember any of them.

• A Sorceress Comes to Call by T. Kingfisher.  I keep trying to read her older stuff but this is the newest one.  When your mom's an evil sorceress, it makes things difficult for everyone.  All the reviews say this is a "dark retelling of the Brothers Grimms' Goose Girl, but I don't really remember that one either.
• Horror Movie by Paul Tremblay.  Told by a somewhat unreliable narrator, this riff on a cursed movie tells the story of the making of an ultralow budget 1990s cult horror movie among a group of friends.  Unsettling for sure.
• Holly by Stephen King.  Holly Gibney returns to solve more murders in this mystery-horror mashup.  She's a great character and I like how King has kept her story going after her partner (and the main protagonist of the first few books in the series) has left the scene.  Good stuff.  Kind of icky.
• Sharp Ends by Joe Abercrombie.  This is a collection of short stories set in the First Law (etc.) universe, telling back stories and side stories that didn't quite have a place in those books.  Lots of fun (and rather a lot of knives).
• Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu.  An 1872 lesbianish vampire novella, this is a precursor to - and perhaps inspiration for - Bram Stoker's Dracula.  I loved it, although I thought the ending sort of fizzled out.  I was DELIGHTED to subsequently discover a 2015 Carmilla webseries on YouTube - recommend you read it first and then watch it.
• Home Before Morning - by Lynda Van Devanter.  This memoir, recalling the author's stint as an Army nurse in Vietnam, is basically a blueprint for the subsequent novel The Women that I read in March.  It leaves no question that war is hell, and so is the homecoming sometimes.
• All the Sinners Bleed by S.A. Crosby.  Changing gears, this one - which I quite liked - is about a black sheriff in a small southern town, fighting racism and the tattered remains of the Confederacy, while also trying to hunt down a serial killer.
• The Last House on Needless Street by Catriona Ward.  Stolen children, serial killers, recluses and charismatic cats are woven together in this one.  I was entralled all the way through and there are multiple twists as you go along.  So fun.
• What Moves the Dead by T. Kingfisher.  A retelling (huh, another one) of The Fall of the House of Usher, this time with more mushrooms.