Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #12 Christmas Bloody Christmans

 This movie (streaming on Netflix) is not what I thought it was.  I thought it was the David Harbour Christmas horror movie, which is actually Violent Night.  This one is The Terminator as played by a Santa robot.

The plot is straightforward.  The military, having successfully built combat robots to fight overseas wars, has sold their robotics technology to various corporations.  One such company has made the "RoboSanta+" for toy stores and malls, doing away with the need for Santas-for-hire.  In some small town, one of those RoboSantas (played by an unrecognizable Abraham Benrubi (from ER!)) wakes up in its Main Street toy store and starts a very violent, very bloody rampage.  And it is a foul-mouthed, hard-drinking indie record store owner who is left to fight him.

CBC is a low budget flick, looking like it was shot on location in town and in various homes.  The number of f-bombs dropped far surpasses Deadwood's own impressive total and I wonder how much dialogue was ad-libbed.  This movie looks like it was a lot of fun to shoot.  It is brutally violent, with a penchant for splitting rubber heads down the middle with a big axe; the practical effects are old school and pretty gnarly.  It was original and quite a change from a lot of the cookie-cutter horror films out there now.  That said, when I paused the movie to see how much time was left, I was surprised that only an hour had gone by (it's around 90 minutes total) - it seemed to take forever.  I liked it okay but don't know that I can really recommend it to anyone.

Funnily enough, for a movie about a murderous rampaging Santa robot, for me the most unbelievable part of the whole thing was that a town that size was able to support an indie record store.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #11 The Dead Don't Die

 I knew nothing about The Dead Don't Die going into it.  Well, I mean, zombies, but other than that.  And then, as the titular theme song (good song) rolled over the opening credits, my jaw dropped at the cast. Huge cast, so many names!  And then the director: Jim Jarmusch.  And then I understood the huge cast.  I've never actually seen a Jim Jarmusch movie (until now) and so I don't know if TDDD is exemplary of his style.  But I'm guessing it is, with the deadpan absurdity, the repetition, the fourth wall breaks.  Afterwards, I think that I had read something online about Jarmusch doing a zombie movie but I certainly hadn't made the connection.

Here's the cast:  Bill Murray (small town chief of police), Adam Driver (cop), Chloe Sevigny (cop), Tilda Swinton (Scottish undertaker/ninja/SPOILER); Steve Buscemi (racist farmer); Danny Glover (hardware store owner); Tom Waits (hobo/narrator); Selena Gomez (Cleveland* hipster); Austin Butler (Cleveland hipster*); Iggy Pop (zombie); Carol Kane (zombie); Rosie Perez (news anchor); RZA (delivery driver).

Here's the plot: due to fracking at both poles (the U.S. Dept. of Energy says it's TOTALLY FINE), the earth has shifted off its axis, fucking everything up and causing zombies to rise up and wreck havor.  On the plus side, they're the slow-moving types, easy to kill but overwhelming in numbers.  On the negative side, ZOMBIES.

Is it a good zombie movie**?  It's okay, a little slow but with decent zombie makeup, nice humor sprinkled with legitimate gore.   Is is a good Jim Jarmusch movie?  You tell me.

* No disrespect intended, as I was born in Cleveland but left shortly thereafter and never went back, but does Cleveland even have hipsters?

** Apparently a LOT of zombie movie fans hated this movie, but I do think JJ was attempting some sort of satire, which, as the OG George Romero would tell you, is always a good thing for zombie movies.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #10 The Lost Boys

 Here I was, thinking that this was going to be a throwaway post.  I re-watched The Lost Boys (in my head, it's just Lost Boys) last night because a coworker and I were talking about appropriate horror movies for his fourteen year old daughter.  He's been slowly introducing her to things like Poltergeist and Alien and she is NOT impressed when he squirms and jumps at these iconic movies - that TERRIFIED ALL OF US back in the day.  I suggested The Lost Boys and he was like, ooh good one, and I wondered if she'd balk at the 80s of it all, and he said that she loves Stranger Things, and I said well, I have it on DVD if you have something still to play DVDs on, and he's like, OF COURSE I DO.  But then that night, at home, I thought I should rewatch it to see if it really is appropriate for a fourteen year old because it's rated R and what the hell do I know about what a fourteen year old should watch.

And here's why I thought it would be a throwaway post because I LOVE The Lost Boys and I rewatch it a lot and I was sure that I had done a post here about it within the last couple of years.  But I can't find a post.  And I think maybe I've never included it in a Scarelicious post?

ANYWAY The Lost Boys is AWESOME and you should watch it, or watch it again.  It came out in 1987 and it is soooooooooo 80s - but like real 80s.  It was largely filmed in Santa Cruz (California), on its boardwalk, and you can tell - especially in the opening bits - that these are real folks, not actors: punks, New Wavers, dudes in Speedos, street kids.  The soundtrack is amazing and I'm pretty sure I bought it on cassette when the movie came out.

It's a vampire flick - nearly a horror-comedy with some serious 80s music video style (Joel Schumacher was the director, if that tells you anything).  And it has some surprisingly brutal violence in one or two scenes, something that I always forget in the face of all that hair and shoulder pads and Kiefer Sutherland's bleached-blond snarling and the beauty that is that era's Jason Patric.  The cast is amazing: Kiefer and Jason, plus the Coreys (Haim and Feldman), and Jamie Gertz, and Dianne Weist, and Alex Winter (of Bill and Ted fame), and Edward Herrmann (of Gilmore Girls fame).  Basically, a divorced mom and her two boys move in with her father, in a seaside town that is overrun with vampires.  That's all you need to know about the plot.  Seriously, I adore this movie.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #9 I Know What You Did Last Summer (2025)

 I have seen the OG, 1997 I Know What You Did Last Summer, starring Jennifer Love Hewitt (Julie James), Freddie Prinze Jr. (Ray), Sarah Michelle Gellar (Helen Shivers) and Ryan Phillippe (Whatsisname).  It came out a year after Scream, intent on capitalizing on that stunner's success; IKWYDLS was a decent slasher but not nearly as good as Scream.  And so when I learned that they'd done a new installment in the series (the 1997 one, 1998's I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, 2006's I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (which I definitely did not see)), I was like, oh, is that still a thing?  And yet, as far as decent series with diminishing returns goes, this most recent I Know holds up okay.

In 2024, Ava returns to her hometown of Southport, South Carolina, for her BFF Danica's engagement party.  Also there are members of her high school clique: Danica's fiance Teddy and Ava's ex Milo, plus Stevie, a townie who never got to leave Southport to go to college.  It's July 4th and the five decide to drive up to "Reaper's Corner," a cliffside road above the South Carolina coast (with those rocky cliffs, that's definitely not SC's coast).  Goofing around, a little high on booze and weed, they cause a truck to go over the side of the cliff.  Teddy convinces everyone not to tell what happened and they all go about their separate ways with varying degrees of guilt.

One year later, Ava is back in town for Danica's bridal shower: different fiance, as Teddy got really weird after the accident.  Then Danica gets an anonymous note - I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER - and the bodies start stacking up like cordwood.  In over her head, Ava learns that back in 1997, there was another serial killer killing people in Southport: she does some digging and tracks down SPOILER Julie James (JLH, reprising her role from the first two movies).  Also still in town is Ray (FPJr.) and SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER the vampire slayer herself, SMG, reprises her role of long-deceased Croaker Queen Helen Shivers.

The body count is decent (I counted seven); the Final Girl(s) acquit themselves well.  And the ending SPOILER SPOILER sets up yet another movie with Julie James at the center.  Good for you, JLH!  I Know What You Did Last Summer is a perfectly adequate slasher that I found entertaining, with a splash of late 90s nostalgia thrown in for good measure.  I didn't find it scary - I don't seem to be finding many of these movies scary these days, which either says something about the movies I'm selecting or my current unease with the state of the workd - but I certainly didn't regret watching it.

Why does everyone have their

butts to the camera here?

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #8 28 Years Later

 The third in the 28 installment ... having loved 28 Days Later and liked 28 Weeks Later quite well, to say that I was looking forward to Danny Boyle's 28 Years Later was an understatement.  Now, having watched it, was it worth the wait?  I think so, but I also can understand the ire I've seen from viewers who were expecting more of the same from the "rage zombie" situation.

Synopsis: Twenty-eight years after Londoners unwittingly unleashed the rage virus on an unsuspecting Great Britain, the world has managed to contain the virus to the British Isles.  Great Britain is under quarantine, its surrounding waters surrounded by other country's navies.  No one is allowed off the British Isles and the denizens have been left to fend for themselves.  The residents of Holy Island are doing better than most: connected to the mainland by a causeway that is only accessible at low tide, with deadly rip currents otherwise, the folk there are doing okay, in a just-above-medieval lifestyle sort of way.  (They are a little weird religously but understandable.)  They do have a tradition of sending youth to the mainland when they are 14-15, to learn to kill the infected.  

Young Spike, age 12, is old for his age in many ways (dealing with a sick mum); his dad Jamie (Aaron Taylor-Johnson, unrecognizable) takes him over for his field trip.  Spike successfully kills a couple of slow ones (fat, sluglike, crawling on their bellies) but gets overwhelmed by the fast ones (the regular rage zombies) and both he and his dad are chased back to their island by an "alpha" - bigger, stronger and slightly smarter than the other infected.  Back home, however, his mum (Jodie Comer) is worse and Spike devises a plan to sneak back to the mainland with her to confer with a nearby crazy doctor (Ralph Fiennes).

Are there gross and scary rage zombies?  Yes.  Does the alpha like to pull the heads off of people and animals?  Yes.  Was I at ever time scared of the infected or worried that our heroes might not make it?  No, not at all.  27YL is not actually scary.  It's more like an Alice in Wonderland/Wizard of Oz journey for Spike and his mum, wandering through beautiful landscapes and meeting really weird and/or dangerous people.  I loved it, although it isn't the zombie movie that most people were expecting.  And the very ending fell a little flat, as it is clearly setting things up for the next film.  But this was not what I thought I was going to be seeing and I appreciated it all the more for that.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #7 Fear Street: Prom Queen

 Oops!  Missed a couple of days - was trying for the every other day posting thing - sorry.  And, unfortunately, this one won't have been worth waiting for.  I REALLY need to get myself a Shudder subscription because the mainstream horror streamers have been uninspiring, to say the least.  I was poking around on Netflix (having recently given up our Hulu/Disney/HBO scrip and being unwilling to sign my "smart tv" onto my Amzn account for the Prime offerings): I'm fixing to dive into the new 28 Years this weekend but needed a midweek watch.  And I landed on Fear Street: Prom Queen.  

I've watched a couple other of these R.L. Stine Fear Streets.  I know they're for the tweens.  I've never read any of the books and I don't know if it's important to have seen all of the Fear Street movies - I suspect not, but I also think there were some callbacks/references that I missed.  Regardless, I have been in the mood for some 80s horror and this was ... sort of that.

Set in 1988, at the Shadyside High School prom, we've got a slasher flick whose masked killer is working his/her way through the prom queen candidates, and their dates, and a whole bunch of adjacent fodder.  The plot is pretty simple: a mean girl, her coterie and an outsider are all in the running for Prom Queen.  The outsider has family baggage and a weird BFF, but used to be friends with - and now has a crush on - the mean girl's boyfriend.  A whole bunch of people get hacked to pieces - mad props to the guillotine paper cutter! - and SPOILER the outsider girl does actually get to be Prom Queen.

Look, at the risk of aging myself, I literally was the class of 1988.  And my high school/prom looked nothing like this.  Budget is probably an issue but at best, the costuming was a combination 80s/90s.  The music was okay but the hair was way off.  Kudos to nabbing Lili Taylor, Chris Klein and Katherine Waterston to play the adults.

In a nutshell, not a complete waste of time: meh acting, decent body count/gore, not scary.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #6 The Blackening

 Actually, I tried to watch I Saw the TV Glow first.  I failed.  It was stylish and vibey and a little creepy.  But it was also SO SLOW that I got tired of falling asleep in the middle of it and gave up.

So, The Blackening instead, which is not at all slow but a very clever, very funny horror comedy.  You know the horror trope where the black character gets killed first in the slasher movie?  Well, the black main characters know it too:  "We can't all die first."

The plot is that a group of college friends reunite ten years after graduation, going to a cabin (pretty fancy cabin) in the woods for card and board games, drinking, party drugs and catching up.  Once they get there, however, they are targeted by a racistly-masked, crossbow-carrying bad guy who starts picking them off.  What happens next is a rapid fire, hilarious and also true-feeling demonstration of black culture and black horror film culture.  The cast knows the assignment and has tremendous chemistry; the pacing is brisk.  The Blackening isn't at all scary but it is massively entertaining.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #5 The Monkey

 As noted here before, Stephen King adaptations are hit or miss, despite how good his books are.  His short story collection, Skeleton Crew, out in a fortieth (!) anniversary edition, contains three stories that have been made into movies: The Mist, done by Frank Darabont, a strong showing with an even more brutal ending than the story; and The Raft, the best and grossest part of Creepshow 2.  And now comes the third, The Monkey, by Oz Perkins, in an absolute departure from that director's usual oeuvre.  

Here's what the movie has in common with the short story: brothers Hal and Bill; and a toy monkey that is a harbinger/brings about death, including orphaning the brothers.  What's different? Pretty much everything else, from the monkey having a drum (instead of cymbals), to Bill being a huge asshole and Hal hating him, to Hal's son Petey being a complete dickhead, to the sheer number of deaths, to how they end up getting rid of the monkey.

This is not the worst SK adaptation but it doesn't rank up there with the better ones.  Perkins has made a gleefully mean-spirited little flick, clearly relishing the opportunity to not be as moody as his prior movies.  There is a nice callback via naming the brothers' babysitter Annie Wilkes.  Some of the kills are clever and funny (lawnmower, tea kettle, snake, vape, wasps and an excellent schoolbus situation).  The Monkey isn't scary and while there are funny bits, it isn't a horror-comedy - the tone just seems a little uneven.  Nice mix of actors: Theo James, Adam Scott, Tatiana Maslany, Elijah Wood and Oz Perkins himself as "Uncle Chip."

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #4 Final Destination: Bloodlines

 You know, I don't know if I've actually ever watched any of the Final Destination movies.  Maybe the first one, ages and ages ago.  And I've certainly seen that iconic log truck disaster scene from #2.  But from what I've read, as the series went on, it largely devolved into one splashy/grisly Rube Goldberg sequence after another.  I'd had some recommendations for the latest installment, FD:B, and thought I'd give it a go.

PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD.  The opener has young Iris and her fella, Paul, enjoying opening night at the new Skyview Tower (think Seattle Spaceneedle).  It doesn't go all that well, although better than it could have due to Iris's premonition that enables her to save folks.  But anyone who has seen a FD movie knows that you can't cheat Death.  Iris manages to survive for decades, hidden and paranoid, but then Death comes for her, picking off not only her but - because Iris was pregnant at the time of the Skyview incident - also all her descendants because they aren't supposed to exist.  Carnage ensues.  

The cold open disaster is pretty operatic, with both CGI and practicall effects.  The subsequent kills are very bloody and creative, some squirm-laugh-inducing and sometimes just squirm-inducing.  While it certainly sticks to the formula that made the series famous, FD:B is fun, splashily gory, funny and shows sparks of heart, including a poignant send-off to Tony Todd in his last on-screen role.  Dunno if I'll seek out the rest of them, but this most recent one is worth the time.

Sixteenth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series: #3 Death of a Unicorn

Here's the best thing about Death of a Unicorn: its cast.  Paul Rudd, Jenna Ortega, Richard E. Grant, Tea Leoni, Will Poulter, Anthony Carrigan.  The rest of everything about this movie? Bad.  It's pretty bad.

As father (PR) and daughter (JO) are on their way to meet with PR's ultrawealthy clients, they hit a baby unicorn with their car.  They don't kill it - although they think they do after PR tries to put it out of its misery with a tire iron - and they put it into their car, rather than leaving it on the side of the road.  That evening, it becomes evident that unicorn blood has healing powers, having splashed all over PR and JO during the tire iron incident, and subsequently curing her acne and his nearsightedness and allergies.  The client family are pharma-douches, and the patriarch (REG) is dying from cancer, so when the baby unicorn busts its way out of their car, they kill it (again) to use its blood to cure him.  Everyone is very excited about all the money they're going to make - except for JO, who is sad - and they don't notice the parent unicorns coming to avenge their baby.

The unicorns are all CGI (there may have been one practical effect late in the game for a closeup) and it's very bad.  It isn't scary and because the CGI is so awful, the gore is lame too, except for when TL gets her guts pulled out by the papa unicorn.  Will Poulter is quite good and funny as the insufferable rich kid but Paul Rudd seems miscast.  Terrible movie with really nothing to redeem it, cannot recommend.  I mean, this poster is cool though.