Downstairs in the hotel lobby, Eric is feeding off a human-for-hire to pass the time. He is turned off by the fact that she is eager to be used as food, plus she calls him “baby,” which is incongruous seeing how he’s 1,000 years old. He sees that slinky lady vampire who was skulking around outside Bill and Sookie’s room and sends the human on her way. “I was beginning to think you wouldn’t make it, Lorena,” he says. Lorena smirks: “For a vampire you’re a terrible liar.” Right off the bat I decide I don’t much care for Lorena – probably because her accent is appalling.
Sookie and Bill are interrupted post-coitally by Isabelle, the Dallas vampire, with Hugo, her human, in tow. Isabelle has come by to offer Hugo’s assistance in Sookie’s infiltration into the Church: he will go in with her, watch her back, assist with her alibi.
Back downstairs, Eric tells Lorena that he wants Bill distracted so he can get closer to Sookie, who interests him. She’s all, “Why do you think I want him back? I haven’t seen him in seventy years.” Eric leans in and intensely says that he hasn’t seen his maker in much longer than that and yet he is still very, very loyal. Lorena chuckles that she wishes she’d made him instead even though Eric isn’t really her type.
Oh dear - another flashback, this time without Vikings so: meh. It’s Prohibition Era. Bill is singing and playing the piano (oof) and Lorena is lining up their next victims – a flapper and her rich fella. By the way, Lorena’s French accent isn’t much better than her Southern one. After his song, Bill saunters over to meet the marks: he walks in slo-mo, in an attempt to make him seem scary, I guess. Doesn’t work.
It’s more post-coital chat, this time between Sam and Daphne who are still draped over the pool table. He asks her about the vicious scars on her back and she tells him that she never got a look at what jumped her. She was super-sick for weeks afterwards but somehow managed to pull through. Honey, that was a big ol’ minotaur with claws what gotcha. They talk about why Sam keeps his shifting a secret (because it’s dangerous out there); Daphne insists that he should share what he is with those he cares about (because it’s dangerous not to). Sam is so smitten with her and so they do it again – that poor pool table!
Over at Sookie’s house, the hot water heater is broken and Maryann is Extremely Cranky about not having a hot shower. Tara manages to locate a pump for the ancient heater – at some hardware store two hours away – and she and Eggs take off in Maryann’s Jaguar to fetch the part.
Steve and Sarah Newlin have summoned Jason and Luke away from their training to build a platform and scaffolding. Jason is worried that he’s being punished for his interlude with Sarah last night in the bathtub but no, it’s just that Steve wants to have his best guys in charge of the construction. It’s for a procedure called “Meet the Sun” in which a vampire is tied to the crossbars on the platform before sun-up and then the whole church congregation gets to watch him burn to death. “Jesus Christ!” exclaims Jason, horrified. And Steve is like well, yes, right, but also the sun.
Hugo tries to lay some ground rules with Sookie for their infiltration: their cover is that they’re engaged and looking for a church to get married in. She promises to keep her mouth shut and let him do all the talking: it’s easier for her to concentrate on reading others’ thoughts that way. She can’t help herself and asks what it’s like for him to be in a relationship with a vampire since he’s the only other human she’s met who is. He says that he and Isabelle have been fighting a lot lately because Isabelle refuses to turn him. Sookie’s like, is that an issue? And Hugo replies that well, it’s okay for now, but what happens when the humans age and get decrepit while their vampire lovers stay exactly the same? Sookie hadn’t considered that before but puts a good spin on it: if she dies today, she doesn’t have to worry about aging.
On their road trip, Eggs starts to get déjà vu, recognizing the countryside they’re driving through although he’s sure he’s never been there before. He makes Tara pull over and gets out of the car, walking into the woods. Tara trails after him, whining.
During the lunchtime crowd, Andy Bellefleur shows up at Merlotte’s to interrogate Lafayette, what with having disappeared for nearly three weeks and then coming back different. Lafayette tries to tell him that he was on a gay cruise but Andy’s not having any of it and starts yelling at him, threatening to lock him up. Lafayette starts to hallucinate that it’s Eric yelling at him and cowers in the corner, crying. Terry comes rushing into the kitchen and pulls Andy away, chastising him and reminding him that he’s not even a cop right now. After Andy leaves, Terry kneels down and pulls Lafayette into his arms, telling him to close his eyes and imagine a bright, warm light. Aw – bonding over PTSD.
Meanwhile, Hoyt comes bursting into the restaurant to ask his mother, who is dining there with a crony, why she turned off his cell phone. She says she’s trying to keep him away from Jessica who she thinks is a tramp. Hoyt tells her that she darn well better turn his phone back on … pluswhich the reason Jessica only calls him late at night is because she’s a vampire. He exits on that line and his mother just gasps and gapes like a fish out of water.
Back in the kitchen, Sam comes up to Daphne and suggests that they go out back and shift, so they can run and do it during the daytime. Sam: “If you don’t go out back and take off all your clothes, I will fire you.” “Well,” grins Daphne, “we wouldn’t want that.”
Jason is having a crisis of conscience, what with the thing in the bathtub with Sarah. When he brings up the subject with Luke (in an extremely vague sort of way) Luke reiterates that the reason he’s been abstinent for three years is because sex outside of marriage is a sin. Of course, he goes on, there are bigger sins than others: like adultery, incest and bestiality … but none of those are as bad as “if you do it with a vampire, or a dude, or a vampire dude – that’s the cream de la cream right there, baby.” Jason thinks about it and considers it: Jason Stackhouse: abstinent.
When Sookie and Hugo pull into the church parking lot, Sarah Newlin is right there, waiting for them. Of course, Sookie immediately starts babbling while Hugo looks on helplessly, unable to stem the flow. The babbling continues as they sit down with Steve. As the spies pour on the anti-vampire sentiment, Sookie manages to catch a stray thought of Steve’s, thinking about how he’ll enjoy dragging that vampire out of the cellar and watching him burn out on that platform. Hmm, thinks Sookie, we’re onto something.
So, time for another Bill and Lorena flashback: they’ve got the flapper couple in the bedroom and make short work of them. Then they have non-naked sex in the midst of all the blood. Come on – how can so bloody be so boring?
Back in the middle of nowhere, Eggs and Tara have made their way to a clearing in the woods. There’s a fire ring, and shredded clothes, and trampled grass – and a big rock with a big bloodstain on it, like it was used as a chopping block. Eggs freaks out, not understanding how he knows this place; Tara is freaking out too, understandably.
The Newlins give Sookie and Hugo a tour of the church, showing them the main hall that is just flooded with sunshine. The spies blink at the brightness and imagine their lovers burning to crispy bits. Then big ol’ nasty Gabe strolls up and Sookie hears his and Steve’s thoughts about how they know she can read their thoughts. Uh-oh.
Andy is driving out on a country road when his headlights catch Sam the dog and that giant pig in the road. Andy cries, “I know that pig!” and jumps out of his car to give chase, but can’t catch them. Later, after they shift back to their human forms, Sam asks why Daphne chose a pig this time and not the doe. Daphne replies that a pig is her “go-to shift.” Yikes. I think Sam is about to get his heart broken, if not worse.
Pam makes a trip to Bon Temps, surprising (and terrifying) Lafayette in Merlotte’s walk-in cooler. Why? Because Eric wants him to start dealing V again. Lafayette doesn’t want to – at all – but Pam is insistent. She hands him a vial and leaves. What is Eric up to?
Near the end of the church tour, the pretenses drop and Steve and Gabe drag Sookie and Hugo down-cellar into a cage. Sarah is terribly upset about this and protests vehemently, but Steve isn’t interested in listening to her – he’s got his own agenda now.
As Sookie screams in the church cellar, Bill (in the Dallas hotel room) hears her and awakens. He wants to go to her, despite it being full-daytime … but Lorena is there and she won’t let him leave. Because she is his maker, he is unable to use his strength against her.
When Tara and Eggs return home, Sookie’s house has been trashed. They follow the trail of shed clothes and wine bottles to find that Maryann’s got another orgy going on out back. This time, neither of them is under her glamour (at first) and their WTF faces are priceless. Everyone else is having crazy black-eyed sex around a bonfire while Maryann flickers in and out in the center of the group. A minotaur mask is on the ground beside her.
Since it’s nighttime now, Jessica wakes up. There are no messages from Hoyt so she’s petulant – hilariously grabbing two bottles of Tru Blood from the minibar and spitefully pouring them down the sink - until there’s a knock on the door and it’s Hoyt, come all the way to Dallas to see her. He apologizes for not being able to call her but she’s just so happy to see him and jumps into his embrace. They really are the least messed up couple on this show.
Jason wanders into the church, looking for a Newlin to let them know the construction job is done. He finds Sarah there, up in the apse (?), crying. She’s crying because Steve has changed: he wants to start a war against the vampires, and he lies to her, and he “uses the C-word” … and she basically uses her discontent to rationalize that she and Jason should have sex right then and there (because God wants it – she’s so twisted), Jason’s newfound vow of abstinence be damned. He puts up a token resistance but is really helpless in front of her.
Daphne leads Sam through the woods towards the bonfire – but he doesn’t want to go because he associates such things with “hippies and cults.” “Not this time, Sam,” she says, deadly serious, and two of Maryann’s zombies run out and grab him. They drag Sam into the circle where Tara and Eggs have now joined the black-eyed sexcapades and he’s doing her from behind. Daphne walks over to Maryann and places the minotaur helmet on her mistress’s head. Maryann starts to chant and flicker; and Sam starts to scream because he’s just seen a big ol’ knife that’s intended for him.
Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood
47 minutes ago