After Godric’s self-immolation, Sookie walks down the hotel corridor to Eric’s room. He’s been crying, bloody streaks all down his face and chest. I think this must be another dream because she kisses him and, blood-induced attraction or not, she still doesn’t like him. But he lays her down and his fangs pop out and she offers him her neck.
Yup, it’s a dream. Sookie is actually sitting next to Jason in a limo with Bill in his travel coffin in back, driving back to Bon Temps. As they drive into town, they are horrified to see that it’s a disaster: stores wrecked, crazy sexed-up zombie-eyed people running rampant looking for Sam. Oh, btw, the sign just outside of town now reads “Welcome to Boner Temps.” Heh – those crazy black-eyed Maryann zombies.
At Sookie’s house, Maryann, Eggs and Carl have constructed a giant wicker man, festooned with flowers, feathers and lots of rotting meat. You can hear the buzzing of the flies. It’s disgusting. Maryann thinks it looks pretty good but could use more offal.
Andy comes back to the motel room, having picked up Sam’s clothes from the sheriff’s office. He grumbles about the whole town going down the crapper as he opens another bottle and Sam agrees, wondering how they’re going to deal with a gawddamn maenad. Andy: “A what?” Apparently Sam explained it all to him last night, but Andy was too drunk and forgot it all. Sam lays it out again: Maryann is supernatural, immortal, has superpowers and she’s not leaving until she gets what she wants – which seems to be “to kill me for her god while a bunch of naked people watch.” Andy: “If what you say is true, we need to kill that bitch.” Sam sighs: “I just said we can’t kill her.” Then Sam gets call from the bar: it’s a panicked Arlene, begging him to come rescue her from the “mob” that’s cornered her at Merlotte’s. Sam knows it’s a trap and goes anyway because he’s a good man. And sort of a dumb one.
Meanwhile, Sookie and Jason have gotten to Bill’s house. Jason tries to call the sheriff’s office to find out WTF is going on in town (he gets an answering machine) while Sookie helps Bill out of his coffin. Jessica and Hoyt are relieved to see them as Maxine is in full Maryann-zombie mode and (hilariously) horny as hell for Jason, “you dirty little monkey!” Bill is APPALLED. They manage to distract Maxine with a zombie-killing video game on the Wii (she’s pretty good at it – heh) and Hoyt brings the Dallas gang up to speed, including Maryann taking over Sookie’s house, all the zombie eyes, people getting slashed with claws … “like Daphne, the new waitress at Merlotte’s.” Jason perks right up at that: “There’s a new waitress at Merlotte’s?” only to lose interest again when Hoyt explains that she’s dead. Then Jason decides that he’s going to go to Merlotte’s and see what going on: this is the war he’s been training for. After he heads out, Sookie asks Hoyt where Tara is and he tells her that she’s been partying pretty hard with Maryann of late. Sookie and Bill head out to Maryann’s/Sookie’s house to see what’s going on.
Sam and Andy sneak into a seemingly empty Merlotte’s, but all the zombie-folks can’t contain their giggles for very long and come out of their hiding places, chanting that Greek chant and waving knives. Sam and Andy break free of them long enough to barricade themselves in the walk-in cooler. Now what, fellas?
Lafayette and Tara’s mom (why can’t I remember her name?) have taken Tara to Lafayette’s apartment and tied her to a chair. No matter what they try, they can’t get through to her – she squirms and swears and headbutts her mom and chants that chant, rapturously saying that the god is coming to kill them all. Tara’s mom starts a prayer and Lafayette finishes it for her. At his aunt’s querying look, he tells her: “Jesus and I agreed to see other people – that don’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time.” Aw. I love Lafayette.
Bill and Sookie pull up to her house, disgusted and horrified at the meat tree in the front yard … and the way a jungle is now apparently growing through the house. Sookie’s cell phone rings – and there’s a lingering shot of that Minoan-type stone statue, the woman with arms raised, and who else thinks that the way to get rid of Maryann is to destroy that statue? – it’s Lafayette on the other end. He tells her that he’s got Tara with him but more importantly, Sookie needs to get up out of that house right now – run! Sookie grabs Bill and turns to go, but Maryann is standing there, looking extra scary and sexy. Things escalate quickly and Bill bites Maryann: her blood is black or dark green and it chokes him. He staggers back, foaming at the mouth. Maryann advances on Sookie, looking her up and down with great interest: “What are you?” Sookie plants her palm over Maryann’s face to shove her away, and her (Sookie’s) hand starts glowing with a bright light and the light washes over Maryann, momentarily stunning her. Sookie grabs Bill and this time they make it back to the car. Maryann watches them go from the porch, stroking her face, laughing and repeating, “What are you?”
Andy and Sam are starting to get cold, trapped there in the walk-in; they trade Andy’s bottle back and forth trying to stay warm. Jason pulls up to the bar in his pickup truck. Like the protagonist in any good (or not so good) zombie survival film, he arms himself with what he’s got: nail gun, flares, and a goddamn chainsaw - right effing on! He sneaks into Merlotte’s and witnesses himself a full-on orgy – people drinking beer straight from the taps, snorting coke off the tables, and engaging in all kinds of deviant-ish sex. He shouts to get their attention and even fires up his chainsaw but no one pays him any mind whatsoever until he clobbers Terry and then holds the nail gun to Arlene’s head. For some reason, Terry the zombie is way more lucid than regular Terry and he starts to negotiate with Jason. Jason wants them all to leave the bar and then he’ll give Arlene back. Terry thinks about it, then orders a retreat. Jason locks the bar doors behind them.
Sookie drives while Bill vomits repeatedly out the car window. They wonder what Maryann is, and what Sookie did to her, and hope that maybe Tara – if they can get through to her – can help them figure things out. Sookie gives Bill her wrist to suck from so he can heal.
Once Jason gives the all clear, Sam and Andy come out of the cooler. However, the zombies have organized under Terry’s leadership and soon come crashing through the windows. The boys are surrounded and Terry tells them that the God Who Comes always gets what he wants. Sam realizes that the situation is inescapable and gives himself up to the zombies. Andy shouts in protest but Jason grabs his shoulder – perhaps he has a plan?
Lafayette is losing hope: “This has got to be the worst motherfuckin’ intervention in history.” When Bill and Sookie show up – chasing off a coed who wants to buy some V from Lafayette; and at Bill’s reproach, Lafayette tells him that Eric’s got him pushing it now – they are shocked at Tara’s appearance. Sookie tries to read her friend’s mind but there’s something blocking her. So Bill works his glamour on Tara, encouraging her to let Sookie in.
The zombies begin to tie Sam to a car roof but are distracted by flares suddenly arcing out of the woods towards them. They turn and look as a fabulously bare-chested, flare-holding, masked figure rises up (i.e., Jason, sans shirt, wearing a gas mask and standing on top of a car) and addresses them in a booming voice: “It is me, the Guy Who Comes, mwah ha ha ha! I have come and now I am here!” OMG this is fucking awesome. Sam, forgotten by the zombies, rolls over to get a better look. The zombies are not entirely sure of this apparition until Andy remembers the god should be horned and pokes a couple of tree branches up behind Jason’s head. “Oooh! Aah!” say the zombies. He continues: “Sam Merlotte, you are the best offering ever! All the rest of you can go home now.”
They’re still not convinced so Sam approaches the “god” and begs him to “smite me.” Jason doesn’t get it at first and Sam hisses, “Smite me, motherfucker!” So Jason shouts: “I smite thee, Sam Merlotte!” and Sam flails about and then disappears, his clothes crumpling to the ground. Andy: “What the fuck just happened?” The zombies are convinced now and disperse, pleased with their success. After they’ve gone, Sam shows up, bare-assed under an apron (yay!) and putting out the flares with a fire extinguisher. He tells the boys, “I’ll explain later.” Andy takes one last swig and hands his bottle to Jason: “That’s the last drink I’ll ever take.”
It’s not going very well at Lafayette’s for a few unsuspenseful moments (seriously – there’s no tension here at all) until Sookie manages to snap Tara out of it somehow. There are tears and hugs all around. Then Tara wants to go after Eggs. Lafayette grabs her and holds her and tells her firmly: no.
Outside, Sookie relates to Bill what she gleaned from Tara’s head. As she repeats that Greek (or whatever) chant, Bill recognizes the words from something he read long, long ago (convenient, that) and says that he knows one vampire who might know how to defeat Maryann. He promises that he’ll be back by morning and speeds off.
Things are getting out of hand at Bill’s house with Hoyt’s momma, Zombie Maxine. She verbally abuses her son and his undead girlfriend, going on and on until Jessica can’t stand it any more. Her fangs come out and she knocks Maxine to the floor, biting into the older woman’s neck. “Fuck! No!” shouts poor Hoyt.
Bill walks up to an extremely swanky house, which is swarming with Secret Service types. They let him in, saying that the Queen is expecting him. He approaches, eyes lowered, and says, “Your Majesty …”. All we see is a shapely leg, dripping with blood.
Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood
9 hours ago