Note: there's some f-bombs ahead, just to give you fair warning. It's not at Deadwood or even Sopranos levels, but it's there.
The three skeezy vamps from the end of the last episode – Diane, Malcolm and the scary tattooed psycho - try to glamour Sookie but she tells them it doesn’t work on her. They find this disconcerting and let her into Bill’s house unbitten. There are two other people (human suckfests) in the living room, and there’s Bill, sitting sullenly in the corner. They tell Sookie that virgin blood is the second tastiest blood to drink (the first is babies’ blood). The vamps get all amped up and prepare for a snack but Bill rises with a growl: “Stop! Sookie’s mine.”
Since Sookie is out of the question, the other two humans get busy … ahem … servicing Malcolm and the psycho vamp. The human man offers himself to Bill, whose fangs pop out in hunger. But as Bill lunges for the human’s neck, Sookie can hear the erstwhile suckjob’s thought: “Go on, bloodsucker, see how you like Hep D.” She blurts out that the man is infected; the vamps recoil; and the man jumps on her, hands around her throat. Bill pulls him off her, breaking the man’s wrist. The female vamp wants to know how Sookie knew about the Hepatitis D but Bill sends them packing.
Sookie is, understandably, shaken. Bill says his visitors were unexpected. He also explains that Hepatitis D is a blood-borne pathogen that renders vampires weak and susceptible to human attack. Sookie blows right past all this and gets her panties in a twist about being named Bill’s possession. She also wants to know why those three were so nasty and mean. It’s because they live in a nest, says Bill, and vampires who live in groups tend to become cruel. Sookie’s had enough for one night and when Bill asks if he could kiss her before she goes, she rebuffs him bluntly, saying she couldn’t stand it after what she’s just seen.
At the bar, Tara and Sam shoot the shit about Sookie and Bill. Sam thinks that once Sookie gets to know the vamp, she won’t want to spend time with him; Tara thinks that the opposite is true. Tara goes on to say that she knows Sam has a crush on Sookie. Sam ‘fesses up that it’s true. When Sam mentions that Sookie can’t hear Bill’s thoughts, Tara realizes that must be a huge part of the attraction for her friend.
Dawn the brunette waitress flounces home to find Jason no longer tied to her bed and a masked man hiding behind her door. He grabs her around the neck and throws her on the bed, claiming to be a vampire and about to force her into sex. He finally rips off his mask and it’s Jason. She slaps him, angry at first, and then succumbs to his charms. His charms are fading, if you ask me.
Sookie arrives home to find Bill on her front porch. He wanted to make sure that she was safe. She wonders why she can’t hear his thoughts; he thinks it’s perhaps because he has no brainwaves. Why? She asks. “Because [he’s/I’m] dead,” Bill and I say at the same time. Criminy, Sookie is dumb. And I am so tired of Bill pronouncing her name “Sucky.” Sookie thinks that it’s time for them to stop seeing each other. Bill says that she’ll never find a human man that she can be herself with, but she pulls away, leaving him to glower on the porch alone.
Tara and Sam have some beers on his trailer porch. She doesn’t want to go home because her momma is a bad drunk. Then she takes a big drink of whiskey, entirely missing the irony. They talk about being lonely, Tara wanting to know why Sam doesn’t have a girlfriend; Sam says he has a hard time opening up to people and Tara scoffs, wondering what kind of secrets he could have. HE’S A WEREDOG. A little later, she suggests that they should have sex since it’s been months since either of them has gotten laid. Sam says no way … and then gives her a coy look … and then
We cut to very athletic sex with Dawn and Jason … until he hallucinates that she’s the psycho tattooed male vamp. He’s got definite issues with women who have sex with vampires, immediately losing his erection, and Dawn tells him to get out if he can’t get it up. He doesn’t believe her, so she gets a gun and kicks him out. Boy’s in good shape, I tell you what.
Sookie shows up at Bill’s house, late at night, in her virginal white nightie, babbling like a lunatic and saying that she wants him to be the first man she has sex with. “Just don’t bite me, okay?” He starts to unlace her nightgown - are we going to get to see Anna Paquin’s boobs? No, because it’s a masturbatory dream. Sookie’s cat sits on her bed watching her and purring. “Stop that,” she snaps grumpily.
Awesome: Tara wakes up in Sam’s bed because he’s growling and whimpering like my dog does when she dreams.
A cranky Jason comes home and flicks on the television: a black and white vampire movie, a talk show with the religious right railing against the vamps, a documentary on vampire bats. Okay: hee.
Ick: the skeezy vampires’ nest. What’s funny is that their white couches are covered in plastic. Bill shows up, and throws Diane through a wall when she grabs at his penis. Bill warns them to stay away from him and Sucky. He reminds them to moderate their behavior but Malcolm says, “If we can’t kill people, what’s the point of being a vampire?” He warns them that there will be consequences.
Back at Sam’s trailer, he wakes to find Tara gone. She’s gone home and her drunken mother starts yelling at her the minute she sets foot inside. Tara tries to get her mother cleaned up but the older woman whacks her in the head with an empty bottle. Fighting back tears, Tara leaves, “You’re on your own, old woman.” That was an ugly scene.
Grandma catches Sookie in the midst of a mad yard work session. Grandma is concerned that Bill has done something untoward but Sookie admits that she’s trying to stay busy so she won’t go see him. Meanwhile, Tara has shown up at cousin Lafayette’s swingin’ pad. He offers her some pain pills, some weed and some vodka to wash it all down; she doesn’t even blink as Lafayette’s “date” slinks out. “That was a state senator,” Lafayette smirks. They commiserate on how “[he’s] a state senator-fuckin’ prostitute and [she’s] a bartender in a redneck bar who fucks her boss who’s in love with her best friend.” Lafayette is interested in this last bit and Tara relates that Sam barks in his sleep. Lafayette cracks me up: “Oh damn, white folk is all fucked up.”
A dog stops by Sam’s trailer but I can’t tell if it’s the dog that I think is Sam – because that would just ruin my whole theory. Sam is reading the paper and bitching about how the town is getting a Starbucks and now he’ll have to buy a cappuccino machine. Then he TOTALLY makes my day by saying he wishes Buffy (or Blade or some other badass vampire killer) would come to town and take care of ol’ Bill Compton. Nice shout-out to the fandom there.
Grandma has made Sookie a big ol’ country breakfast. Those biscuits look good. Sookie asks her if she thinks she should keep seeing Bill. Grandma pretty much tells her to follow her heart. She also tells Sookie that her husband used to know and hear things much like her granddaughter can. Sookie finds some solace in that she wasn’t the only one. Grandma is cool.
Jason stops by Lafayette’s place, asking for his help. Lafayette is wearing excellent gold lamé pants. Jason wants some Viagra and Lafayette laughs at him, although he does have something that’ll give him wood so hard you could saw through it: vampire blood. Lafayette warns him to take no more than two drops of v-juice because any more and things will get intense … and not in a good way. Jason doesn’t have the cash so Lafayette makes him strip down to his tidy whities and a mask and dance in front of a video camera. Tara catches the show from behind a curtain, both appalled and enthralled.
Later, in full daylight, Sookie goes to Bill’s house. She sits on the front porch to wait for sunset (?) until Sam calls her to ask her to run by Dawn’s house. Dawn hasn’t shown up for work. I’m guessing it’s because Dawn is dead, not still sleeping. Sookie goes in the house and yes, Dawn is dead, eyes open on the bed. Sookie screams.
Next time on True Blood / previously on True Blood
27 minutes ago