The bloody leg from the end of last episode belongs to some human who is gasping and groaning in near-sexual tones as the Queen – Evan Rachel Wood, overacting as best she can – sucks from her femoral artery. Bill, that prude, is a little uncomfortable and the Queen knows it as she asks if he’d like to join her.
Editorial note: there’s a LOT of talking in this episode, especially as regards the Queen and I’m just going to skim some of it. What you’ll miss is this: she’s beautiful, deadly, powerful (for some reason – it’s not clear how old she is) and easily bored – a wicked child who likes to play.
Speaking of wicked children: Hoyt has to haul Jessica off of his momma’s neck from where she’s been feeding. He’s furious with her, shouting: “I should have listened to Vampire Bill when he warned me about you.” He takes Maxine home - she’s really none the worse for wear, saying that she kind of enjoyed that neck-suck. Jessica slams the door behind them and screams in sadness and frustration, bloody tears tracking down her face.
After the Queen has cleaned up, Bill presses his errand: he needs to know how to kill a Maenad. The Queen tells him that he can’t – the Maenad believes she’s immortal and therefore she is: “William, surely you know that everything that exists imagined itself into existence.” She’s a smart cookie, this Queen, under all her arch attidues and seeming shallowness. When Bill tries to return to Bon Temps before dawn breaks, the Queen orders him to stay the day with her: Sookie is fine and he can go to her in the evening.
In Bon Temps, Tara is getting agitated, wanting to leave Lafayette’s house to go rescue Eggs. Her cousin handcuffs her to a table and then he and Sookie go outside with a shotgun to stand guard on the porch. Tara is Not Happy.
Over at Merlotte’s, Sam, Jason and Andy are cleaning up the bar. Sam has come clean to the fellas about his shifting – “I can turn into any animal as long as I’ve imprinted on it first” (remember that: it’s important) – and now they’re trying to come up with a plan. Jason wants to go after Maryann with guns blazing even tho’ Sam points out that guns won’t do anything to Maryann, plus they can’t go around shooting the townspeople. Jason is adamant: “Sometimes you need to destroy somethin’ in order to save it. That’s in the Bible. Or maybe the Constitution.” Sam gives him a priceless WTF look. There’s some movement at the window and Sam runs outside: it’s Arlene’s kids, hungry and looking for their mother. While Sam takes the kids inside to get them something to eat, they ask him all sorts of questions about what’s been happening to their mother, finally deciding that they need a vampire to help straighten things out. When Sam says Bill is out of town, the kids ask, “Don’t you know any other vampires?” Sam puts his thinky face on. Meanwhile, Jason and Andy decide to head into town to arm themselves from the sheriff’s weaponry.
You know, I am getting sick of hearing Tara whinge about Eggs. She begs her mother to let her go – she needs to help her “one true love.” Lettie Mae drops to her knees and starts to pray some more. On the porch, Sookie and Lafayette bond over having had to drink Eric’s blood. She asks if he’s been having any dreams about Eric, which he has – freaky, fantastic sex dreams, “which freak me the fuck out because I hates that motherfucker more than you’ll ever know.” Then Lettie Mae comes out onto the porch, sobbing, saying she can’t stay inside with Tara anymore. She says she’ll hold the gun and Lafayette can sit with Tara. But it’s a trick: as soon as Lafayette hands over the gun, Lettie Mae calls to her daughter, “I’ve got the gun!” She fires off the gun and Lafayette immediately drops back into PTSD, cringing and trembling. He even starts to hallucinate Eric in Lettie Mae’s dress (which is AWESOME, btw). Sookie unlocks Tara’s handcuffs and reluctantly hands over her car keys – editorializing, “You are bein’ a fuckin’ idiot” – then tends to poor Lafayette. Lettie calls after her departing daughter, “Don’t you forget what I did for you!”
Jason muses about whether Sam has ever turned into a dog and then had sex with another dog. Heh. They go into the sheriff’s office and Jason distracts the black-eyed white-trash tramp who’s guarding the place while Andy heads for the guns. White-trash chick: “Boy, I’m going to turn you inside out!” Jason: “Well, that sounds like it’s gonna hurt.”
Sookie has had enough of this bullshit and pegs Lettie Mae in the head with a chunk of wood. Lettie Mae drops the gun, which Lafayette grabs, and he and Sookie make a break for his car, off to find Tara. En route, Sookie gives poor shell-shocked Lafayette a pep talk: “You need to suck it up and when we get there, if Maryann gives us any trouble, you need to shoot her – in the head!”
Sam and Arlene’s kids wait outside Fangtasia, waiting for the white-trash bartender to open for the day. She doesn’t want to let them in but $100 convinces her otherwise. They wait for the sun to go down and Eric to arrive so they can ask if he knows how to kill a Maenad.
Tara finds zombie-eyed Eggs with Maryann at Sookie’s house. Maryann is looking full on sexy and dangerous. Tara says that she doesn’t want anything to do with whatever’s going on here; she just wants to take Eggs and go. Maryann smugly informs her that Tara herself was the one who summoned the Maenad here, that night in the forest with Miss Jeannette. Tara is appalled. Maryann starts her vibrating magic and Tara shouts “That doesn’t work on me any more.” So Maryann punches her in the face and that brings on the zombie eyes immediately. Tara and Eggs run upstairs giggling.
There’s a commotion in the hallway and Maryann turns to see her flock o’ zombies who have come to tell her about how the God Who Comes “smote Sam Merlotte but good!” Maryann quickly figures out that they let him go and shrieks in eardrum-shattering tones: “You fucking morons!” The zombies squeal, sad to have upset their goddess.
Things are not going well over at the Fortenberry house either. Maxine is in the kitchen, cooking up some godawful mess for the God Who Comes; Hoyt is doing his best to keep his temper and keep his mother in the house. Her zombie eyes give Maxine access to a whole lot of honesty - much like they gave Terry clarity - and she tells Hoyt the horrible truth: his father was not killed by a burglar but shot himself because he couldn’t deal with his life. Maxine lied to get the insurance. Hoyt reels and then tells his horrible mother that he wishes he’d let Jessica finish her off.
Apparently Sookie and Lafayette hid out in the woods all day because by the time they approach the Stackhouse homestead (with the giant stick and meat statue still looming in the front yard), it’s starting to get dark. They get jumped by Arlene and Terry but Lafayette distracts them while Sookie sneaks into the house.
Fangtasia: Sam and the kids meet with Eric and Pam – and she is dressed in the most amazing sparkly red cat suit. Her hair is enormous and she looks like a drag queen’s dream. Eric is not inclined to help Sam since vamps and shifters aren’t terribly fond of each other; Sam promises to do Eric a favor when he needs one and Eric decides he’s feeling charitable. Plus he wants to play with Arlene’s kids. When they ask if they can see his fangs, he obliges, popping them right out. Pam rolls her eyes, saying that she’s SO glad she never had any kids herself. Eric: “Now come on, Pam, they’re cute. Like humans - but miniature: teacup humans.” Heh. Eric says he’ll go see what information he can dig up and walks the humans back to Sam’s truck (it’s full nighttime now). He bends down, says goodnight to the “tiny humans” and then FLIES AWAY. Whoa – that’s cool!
Sookie’s home has been turned into a house of horrors. One zombie acolyte is busy chopping her own fingers off on the back porch; another creepy guy is sitting in the kitchen sink, playing with the sprayer. Even worse: a naked Mike the Coroner (he who fornicates with pine trees) is laying on the kitchen floor. He grabs Sookie’s ankle and invites her to lie down with him. When she refuses, he starts to scream, which makes all the other zombies scream, and she hurriedly lies down to shut him up. He spoons up behind her – EEEEUUUWWWWW and creepy – and she is totally skeeved out, summoning all her strength to just lie there.
Bill desperately wants to go back to Bon Temps but the Queen wants to play Yahtzee first. She also makes Bill feed off one of her humans. During the Yahtzee game, the Queen deigns to exposit: the only way to kill the Maenad is to make her believe that her god, Dionysus, has actually come for her. She’ll let her guard down, ecstatic and vulnerable, and at that one moment, she can be killed. That’s what she wants Sam for: she thinks that he, as a shape shifter, is the perfect vessel through which to bring forth her god. The Queen is interrupted in her Maenad lecture when a flunky announces that Eric has arrived. Bill jumps right up, saying that’s his cue to go. The Queen rolls her eyes at him and speaks for many, many fans: “You two should just fuck each other and get it over with.” Bill is not amused: he is like the straightest vampire ever. As he takes his leave, the Queen says pointedly that she is looking forward to meeting Sookie. That’ll go over well, I bet.
As they cross paths in the front garden, Eric makes some insinuations about Sookie, leading Bill to threaten him: “Back off or I’ll tell the Queen that you’re forcing humans to sell vampire blood for you.” He says he won’t tattle if Eric stays the hell away from his girl.
Maryann finds Lafayette as he’s approaching the house. Karl is with her and when Lafayette shoots at her, the bullet deflects off her hand and goes right through Karl’s skull. Lafayette is horrified but Maryann shrugs it off. Then she looks closely at Lafayette: “Hm. You cook, don’t you?”
Jason and Andy pull up in the woods not too far from the Stackhouse property. They chow down some carbs and when Andy grumps at Jason for something, Jason calls him on it, wanting to know why Andy never liked him. Jason: “Is it because of all the pussy I get? ‘cuz I ain’t takin’ no pussy away from you – there’s plenty of pussy to go around.” Andy: “It ain’t about pussy!” He thinks that Jason has had everything too easy, like all-state football and, yes, pussy. Jason rebuts, saying that he’s already got knee issues and he’s not even 30, and as regards the women – “I work out like a motherfucker … and I watch a lot of porn, to learn stuff.” They keep talking and finally realize that they’ve got a lot in common, plus it’s come down to just the two of them to save the town. “This town might be full of crazy rednecks, but they’re still Americans.” Thus bonded, they arm themselves and head out.
Sam is sitting on the steps to his porch when Bill comes up, looking intense. I bet Bill’s got a plan.
Back at the house, Sookie has had enough of the nasty zombie whispering in her ear and groping her. She suggests: “Enough of the foreplay, let’s just do it … but I have to be on top.” He gladly rolls over and she immediately brains him with a frying pan. Nice. She goes upstairs to her Gran’s room and finds Tara and Eggs smashing and shredding everything in order to build a nest on the bed for a giant egg (wtf?). As Sookie stares at the wreck of her grandmother’s keepsakes, a hand clasps her shoulder. It’s Lafayette: “Where you been?” he asks, “I been lookin’ for you.” It’s too late: his eyes are zombie-black. Sookie screams and screams.
Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood
7 hours ago