Seventh Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series #2: All Cheerleaders Die

Here's a brief plot synopsis of All Cheerleaders Die (2013): When the head cheerleader dies in a freak cheering accident, her spot on the squad is filled by her unlikely film student/outsider friend Maddie, who is intent on infiltrating the football team/cheerleader world to avenge her fallen friend.  After some high school lesbian hijinks and hurt feelings, it turns into the girls vs. the boys, which escalates into Maddie and her friends getting driven off an embankment and drowning the river.  Luckily, Maddie's ex-GF is a Goth witch and she resurrects the dead girls who, after a short adjustment period, get their revenge on.

Look, this movie is a mess.  Within the first five minutes, I was completely annoyed at the loud music montages - the sound is very uneven throughout.  There is way too much very shrill screaming, the magic/blood special effects are abysmal and distracting, there is barely any character development to differentiate one of the high school stereotypes from the other.  There are a couple of funny bits, and some laugh-out-loud/bizarre music cues, but just not enough to make this a clever horror-comedy.  The director is the same guy who made the strong little May and I could get what he was going for, some sort of a Jennifer's Body meets Heathers meets Bring It On meets The Craft.  But ACD is nowhere near the quality of any of those movies.

Plus the only really scary part came in the closing title card when it read: All Cheerleaders Die Part One. I mean, dafuck, there's more?  That's TERRIFYING.

Seventh Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series #1: The Final Girls

Seven years I've been doing this October scary movie series?  It's a good thing too, because if I didn't, the number of annual posts here at Friend Mouse Speaks would drop off even further: in 2008, I posted 217 times; last year, I only put up 61 - and twelve of them were in October.  Wow.  So here we go, limping along with 2015's The Final Girls.

Max Cartwright (Taissa Farmiga) is a sad girl, having lost her beloved mom (Malin Akerman) in a car crash three years ago.  Her mom, Amanda, wasn't the most successful person - her one claim to fame was starring in the in-universe sleepaway camp cult slasher, Camp Bloodbath, in the 1980s - but Max misses her.  When Max and some of her friends attend a local art house showing of Camp Bloodbath, they are mysteriously drawn into the movie and Max finds herself face-to-face with her mom, except that she's "Nancy," the character in the slasher film.  All the CB characters are only aware of themselves as the characters and it soon becomes clear to the modern teenage interlopers that they will only get out of the slasher flick alive if they make it to the end credits.  When the slasher flick starts to deviate from the script and the designated Final Girl meets an untimely end, Nancy and Max's bond becomes strong as they step up to fight against CB's masked and machete-ed villain.

Positive notes:  this horror/comedy mess has a strong cast, with the aforementioned Farmiga and Akerman, plus Alia Shawkat (Arrested Development) and Nina Dobrev (The Vampire Diaries) among others.  The scenes between Max and Nancy/Amanda are really strong.  And it's fun to see the teenagers navigate a universe they know so well due to repeated viewings of Camp Bloodbath and general knowledge of slasher film tropes.

On the minus side:  The Final Girls is incredibly uneven in tone.  The rules of the universe are changeable so it's difficult for the audience to get a grip.  Rated PG-13, it's practically bloodless and pretty much tension-free so as to scarcely qualify as horror, and while parts are funny, it's certainly not funny enough to be a comedy.  It isn't a full-on spoof nor is it much of an homage, as the camera work is not very classic slasher-like.  Scream, now a classic in its own right, did a much better job of acknowledging, pointing fun at and ultimately abiding by the rules of horror films.  The Final Girls is entertaining but would have been stronger with some actual scary moments to balance out the humor and the move-within-the-movie self-awareness.

Trying to keep up

This blog seems abandoned but in actuality I am circling the wagons for the upcoming Seventh Annual Friend Mouse Speaks Scarelicious October Movie Series.  BUT ALSO, there's just so much I want to be watching on Netflix right now (as opposed to crap horror movies).  Like more Farscape and needing to start Galavant and Luke Cage is about to drop and I know nothing about Easy other than it looks like it's got a fantastic cast and OMIGOD the last season of Penny Dreadful is available now ...

It's too much.  There's too much.  I clearly need to quit my job, never go outside again and just consume as much visual media as I possibly can.

Farscape, where have you been all my life?

I recently got chastised by several scifi/fantasy loving friends for not having tackled Farscape yet.  In my (admittedly thin) defense, I have been busy watching BtVS, Angel, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, The X-Files, Fringe, Dollhouse, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly and a whole bunch of other genre shows.  I am currently working on this deficit, having just finished S1E16, and I just like it more and more as it goes on.

For those who don't know, Farscape is a science fiction television show that ran for four seasons (1999-2003 (or 1998-2002, depending on what source you use)) before being abruptly cancelled.  Nutshell summary:  an American scientist/astronaut gets shot through a wormhole during an experimental flight and ends up on board a starship with a bunch of on-the-run aliens.  Yes, it is a show about a bunch of people on a spaceship flying around the universe and having adventures ... which pretty much describes every other science fiction television show ever made (Star Trek in all its iterations, Firefly, BSG, etc.)  What makes it different is that when we start, none of the characters like or even know each other, plus half of them are puppets a la The Jim Henson Company.  The CGI is pretty weak but there isn't much of it and the practical puppets and make-up effects are phenomenal.  Each of the characters is developed and they all change and grow - even though they are the "heroes," they all do unlikable but perfectly understandable and in-character things.  It's quite amazing, actually, for a show like this.

I'm getting through episodes as fast as I can, and hopefully won't get derailed too badly by returning network shows (or Galavant, which was just raved about by one of the aforementioned friends).  What I really need is a rainy sick day so I can just immerse myself in the Farscape 'verse.  And you should too, if you haven't already (it's streaming on Netflix so go for it).

Season's greetings

Since I am still resolutely avoiding finishing out the True Blood recaps, all I've got for you a premieres list of new and returning television shows in which I will be indulging.  Clearly I have too much time available to watch television.  (Also, judging from the length of this list, I better buckle down if I want to get through at least one Farscape season before regular t.v. starts up again.)

American Horror Story - 9/14 and I have no idea what this season's theme is (ridiculous show)

Gotham - 9/19 and yes, I am going to give it another shot although it may have to go

The Good Place - 9/19 with Kristen Bell, a resurgent Ted Danson and pretty good initial reviews

New Girl - 9/20 although I may take this off the list and just catch up on-demand

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. - 9/20 although I will be mourning Agent Carter for the duration

Last Man on Earth - 9/25 which Mr. Mouse watches with me (yay!)

Luke Cage - 9/30 (on Netflix) can't wait can't wait can't wait

The Flash - 10/4 and I hope they crossover a LOT with Supergirl

Arrow - 10/5 and I've forgotten where we left off story-wise but don't imagine it much matters

Supergirl - 10/10 and I will be paying close attention to the stunts because Jessie Graff kicks ass!

Legends of Tomorrow - 10/13 but this is another bubble show for me and is totally on probation

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - 10/21 and my new favorite, now that I binged S1 this summer

The Walking Dead - 10/23 and yes, we will be picking up the grim recapping right away

There are a couple other shows (on SyFy? Falling Water?) that I don't know much about other than marginally intriguing trailers, so we'll see how the season shapes up.  Mr. Mouse will be complaining that Better Call Saul and Fargo aren't back yet ... we'll add those in when they get here.  What will you be watching?

I got nothing

I got nothing for you here, I'm afraid.  We've been watching a bunch of the Olympics (and being annoyed that so little variety has been televised; I KNOW I can stream the more esoteric sports but do we really need to see RERUNS of fucking rhythmic gymnastics when they could actually be showing LIVE mountain-biking or rowing or sailing or something?) and I'm finishing up a second read of the second book in The Expanse series:  Caliban's War.  But that's really it.  Unless you're just dying to hear about the cookbooks I'm reading, trying to find ways to eat more vegetarian dishes that we can actually stand.

But bear with me.  I may try to get a headstart on the horror movies for October, plus The Walking Dead starts up again soon, so we all have that to look forward to.

Embarrassment of riches

Preacher may be over for now but I am having no trouble putting off the watching and recapping of the final True Blood season as there is such a wealth of good television out there - just mostly not on, you know, television.  Besides Mr. Robot (which, forgive me, I keep falling asleep during), I've watched the BBC's incredible 2015 And Then There Were None.  With a stacked cast, including Charles Dance, Miranda Richardson and Sam Neill, this version of the darkest of Agatha Christie's tales is marvelously well acted, suspenseful, bloody and funny.  Highly recommended.

Also highly recommended:  Stranger Things, of course.  The full-on 80s nostalgia, the homages to some of my very favorite movies, the perfect cast, the fact that I had to watch a scene or two through my fingers ... this has got to be one of the best things Netflix has ever done, and ranks way up there as far as any excellent episodic television goes.  Unless you're living under a rock, you've probably already watched it.

Finally, I am tearing through the CW's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on Netflix just as fast as I can.  This show is so smart, so funny, so uncomfortable and so honest about its exploration of mental illness (the main character is a stalker who suffers from anxiety and depression) that I can scarcely believe that it is on the CW.  Plus it's a musical comedy and the original songs are fantastic.

Preacher recap "Call and Response" S1E10 7/31/16

In Annville, Jesse Custer is on the run, laying low until Sunday morning when he has promised to bring God to the townspeople.  Just in case it actually happens, all the women in town are getting their hair done, which is where Tulip finds the whorehouse's madam.  Tulip's all, WTF is going on and where's Jesse?  The madam tells her that rumor has it Donnie has him.  Later that morning, Tulip busts into Donnie's house, waving her gun, breaking Betsy's nose and shouting for Jesse.  Who comes out of the bathroom, just having showered.  Hey, Tulip, he says, clearly under no duress.

A now-healed Cassidy is under a little duress, being held in the jail.  Sheriff Root comes in with a gun, a box of ammo and a thermos of blood.  He's figured out that Cassidy is a vampire and he alternately shoots him and then feeds him blood (to facilitate healing), asking over and over again what has happened to Eugene.  Cassidy is all, you really don't want to know.  [I adore Joseph Gilgun in this role; he was a little much to take in Misfits but he's wonderful here.  Even if I can't understand much of what he says.]  After an unknown period of time, blood is splashed across the walls of the jail cell and the floor is littered with red-stained Dixie cups.

Donnie, Betsy and Jesse explain to Tulip that [Donnie has found God and since Jesse showed him mercy in the men's room that time, he's showing him mercy now].  Tulip can scarcely roll her eyes more and asks Jesse to come outside with her.  She's got Carlos tied up in the trunk of her car, you see.  And she wants Jesse to kill him.

Flashback to when Carlos screwed Jesse and Tulip over:  it was during a bank robbery in Dallas.  He was the lookout/driver and when he overheard them laughing together as they wait for the vault to blow, he got jealous, untied the guard and took off in the getaway car.  Jesse shoots the guard and Tulip screams after Carlos and the stress and anger causes her to miscarry Jesse's baby.

Back in now/Annville, we check in with the guy keeping an eye on the control panel; it's for a huge underground vat of fermenting cow shit, part of the Quincannon Meat & Power conglomerate, and when the alarms go off, it's because the methane is building up too much.

Cassidy tells the sheriff that the good news is that Eugene is alive.  Although, he muses, on second thought that might not actually be good news.  He presses, asking if Root is maybe a teeny tiny bit relieved that the boy is gone.  This pushes Root's buttons and he shoots Cassidy a bunch of times, then unlocks the jail cell and tells him he can go.  "Good," groans the wounded vampire, "I got someplace I gotta go."

Jesse and Tulip argue about Carlos for a while, plus she disparages his plan to use a dead angel hand to call God down to town.  He points out that killing Carlos won't bring back their baby but she rages that someone's got to pay.  So he gathers up a trash bag and an oven mitt, and goes out to the car.  He wraps the trash bag around Carlos's head, cocks his handgun and places it in the oven mitt.  At the last moment, she stops him, saying that it's enough that he would do it for her.  [Which seems a little out of character.] So instead they just beat the shit out of Carlos and then let him go.  That all seemed ... pointless.

In the morning, Betsy and Donnie sneak Jesse and Tulip into the church.  They clean up and Betsy, being a secretary, helps Jesse figure out the God-phone: it's got video-conferencing.  Tulip's all, what do you think is going to happen here? and Jesse confesses that he honestly has no idea.  Tulip: "Well, no matter what, we're gettin' french fries after."  The church fills up; Cassidy sneaks in and finds Tulip to stand with.  Everyone who we've ever seen in Annville is there and Odin Quincannon is right in the front pew.  Jesse comes out but before he can get started, Quincannon jumps up and is all skeptical about the preacher calling down any sort of God.  In fact, he goes on to say, there is no God but the God of Meat!  To which the congregation says: .....?

Jesse brings out the God-phone and the angel hand and fusses about for quite some time [there's an old school modem sound effect, which is excellent].  Finally, just when the congregation is restless and he's about to quit, the lights in the church go out and the God-phone emits a blinding light.  And there, projected on the church wall, is God: old, white, male, sitting on a throne and dressed in flowing robes.  Everyone is completely gobsmacked (except for Cassidy, who just sits there, giggling).  "I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA ... I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD.  MY CHILDREN, WHY HAVE YOU CALLED ME?"

Jesse, not really believing what's going on, says that they've got questions.  And so God entertains some questions, telling the people that He loves them.  He even tells Quincannon that his little daughter is in Heaven, which seems to relieve him.  God asks Jesse if he has any questions.  The preacher does: he wants to know what God's plan is for him and why did He give him the Genesis-power if he cant use it to help people.  God says that Jesse hasn't failed and that because of Jesse, all of Annville is saved.  Everyone screams and cries happily.

Jesse, disturbed: "But I sent him to Hell!"  God: "And how did you do that, my son?"  Jesse:  "With Genesis."  God: "Oh, yes, of course.  Does anyone else have any questions?"  That finishes it and Jesse gets angry: "You're not God, you're an imposter!"  God tries to dissemble and so Jesse used the Genesis voice:  WHERE IS GOD?  As it turns out, God is missing and no one in Heaven knows where he is ... "God is gone!"  The congregation is stunned.  Jesse turns to Tulip and Cassidy:  "Let's go.  Tulip wants french fries."  And they walk out.

Behind them, the town falls apart.  People cry and wreck the church.  Quincannon makes a mannequin of ground beef and cuddles it in his office.  A bunch of schoolgirls stab pervy bus driver Linus to death on his schoolbus.  Donnie can't get it up with Betsy.  Tracy's mother smothers her comatose daughter while her son takes a selfie.  And the control room guy orders a hooker and then dies while having S&M-tinged sex with her.  And the methane builds up - and the hooker doesn't know how to release the vents - until a huge explosion obliterates the entire town.  Gone.  Wiped off the map.

Jesse, Tulip and Cassidy apparently decided to get french fries at an out-of-town diner, however, because they're fine.  Tulip's like, what now?  Jesse says that they might as well drive around the country and look for God: if He wants their help, they'll help Him, and if not, they'll kick His ass.  Cassidy finds the prospect of a road trip quite appealing.  They head out to the car and Tulip asks Jesse to show her how the Genesis voice works.  So he tells her "KISS ME" and she does - and when she breaks away, she punches him right in the nose and tells him not to ever do that again.  And then they drive off into next season.

But that's not quite the last scene.  Fiore comes back from Hell, without Deblanc.  And in the wreckage of Annville, the seraph wanders around, looking a little stunned.  Then she gets shot in the back, blowing a huge hole in her chest.  She collapses and behind her is the Cowboy.  He growls, "Preacher," and the hunt is on.

And to tide myself over until S2, I've got the first two Preacher TPBs on order at the library ...

Previously on Preacher / next time on Preacher

Preacher recap "Finish the Song" S1E9 7/24/16

Back in old timey Ratwater: Back in the saloon, a man sings to the hoi polloi, accompanied by a piano player.  All the whores and johns and cowboys and prospectors and settler families quiet themselves and listen.  And then the Cowboy walks in, back from finding his wife and daughter dead in his house.  That smarmy preacher - who shot the Cowboy's horse - welcomes him, speechifying somewhat, naming the Cowboy as the "Butcher of Gettysburg," who killed seventy-seven people with his own hands.  The preacher asks if the Cowboy will love and accept Jesus into his heart.  The Cowby replies that he loves his horse, he loves his wife and he loves his little girl - and as for Jesus, "He can join us all here in Hell."  He tosses down the bundle he is carrying - heads roll out and a woman screams - and then he raises his pistols.  He shoots the preacher first and then looks at the singer, growling, "I want you to finish the song."  And as the singer sings, the Cowboy methodically guns down every single person in the place, women and children included.  The singer gets to finish the song.  And then the Cowboy cuts his head off with one stroke of a huge knife.  Wow.  The Cowboy steps over the bodies to stand at the bar.  As the wind picks up outside and the building shakes and rattles, bottles falling off shelves to smash on the floor, he pours himself a drink.  And that's how you open the penultimate episode of S1 of Preacher, even if those of us who don't read the comic don't know WTF is going on.

Now:  The sheriff drives towards down, with Jesse in the back of the cruiser.  He asks Jesse again what happened to Eugene and Jesse tells him, again, that he sent him to hell.  Sheriff Root is not well-pleased with that answer, sure that the preacher has killed his boy.  Jesse says that he's sorry, and that he'll see the sheriff on Sunday, and then he jimmies open the door (using a pen he took from Odin Quincannon) and dives out, disappearing into the night.

Deblanc and Fiore walk to a travel agency and announce that they want to take a trip: to Hell.  The agent sullenly sells them the tickets and tells them that the shuttle will pick them up promptly at the time specified.

Tulip calls Emily over to her uncle's house, telling her not to freak out but that Cassidy is a vampire and is having trouble healing after being burned.  She's got the house full of various animals (rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, chickens, a goat or two) that she's been feeding him - just opening the door a crack and tossing them in when she hears him moving around - but she needs Emily to take over because she's got to go to Albuquerque to kill a man.  Emily protests that Jesse's in trouble but Tulip cuts her short, saying that she doesn't care about Jesse and he can be Emily's boyfriend now.  Emily unconvincingly stutters that she has a boyfriend - Miles, "he's the mayor ... ginger goatee" - and Tulip's all, good on you.  And then she takes off, leaving a nervous Emily staring around herself at all the doomed critters.

Sometime later, she is standing at the door, clutching a guinea pig.  Miles calls, saying that he'll pick the kids up but he's planning on staying overnight and he'll bring a bottle of wine.  She hardly listens to him and when she hangs up the phone, she opens the bedroom door enough to toss in the guinea pig.  There are growls and guinea pig squeals and then sloshing noises.  Emily steels herself to take a peek into the bedroom: an unrecognizable, feral, scarred Cassidy snarls at her, guinea pig blood covering his face.  She slams the door closed.

Back at the motel, the angels are packing up all their gear ("I've left the radio on for her.").  They're fretting about the trip to Hell, wondering if maybe they shouldn't just call Heaven and 'fess up, throwing themselves on Heaven's mercy.  "We discussed that: they'd separate us forever.  Except we wouldn't be going to Hell, so it's a tough one."  They decide to flip a coin - and do it a couple of times until Heaven turns up.  But the phone to Heaven is gone - Jesse stole it - and it looks like they'll be going to Hell after all.

Emily watches t.v. (Psycho is on, the scene where Marion and Norman talk about the traps they're in), absently stroking a rabbit.  From the bedroom, Cassidy bellows, "Someone help me, please!"  So she calls Miles:  "Miles, help me! He got out, he's going to kill me!"  Miles rushes to Tulip's uncle's house, slightly disconcerted by the goat in the kitchen.  Calling Emily's name, he opens the locked door to Cassidy's bedroom and walks in horrified.  When he turns back towards the door, Emily is there and she slams the door shut in his face, bolting it.  Cassidy pounces on poor Miles and then the shot switches to Emily in the hall, leaning against the door.  Miles shrieks and Cassidy snarls and then there's those sloshing sounds.  And Emily stands there and listens to it all.  DAMN.

Over at the motel, the clerk shows the sheriff the angels' room, saying that they paid up and left but this is what the maid found when she went in to turn the room over.  The room is, of course, wrecked and splashed with blood, but that is nothing compared to what Root finds in the bathtub:  the seraph, her arms and legs cut off (chainsaw) and cauterized so she'll stay alive.  The sheriff yells for the clerk to call an ambulance and then kneels next to the tub, telling the "woman" that she'll be okay.  She whispers for him to kill her, over and over, and he looks at her, seeing what remains, and then he puts his hands around her neck and chokes the life out of her.  [That seems out of character, despite the tears streaming down his face.]  He doesn't see the flash in the next room as the seraph revigorates.  She stands in the doorway a moment, watching the sheriff, and then heads out, back on the hunt for the angels and/or Jesse.

Speaking of Deblanc and Fiore, when the shuttle arrives to take them to Hell, the driver tells them "sorry, no carry-ons," referring to their giant trunk.  The tall angel (Deblanc? Fiore?) looks crushed, saying "But my comics ..." but the short one comforts him: "It's all right, my dear.  Leave 'em behind."  They get on the shuttle and drive off.

Jesse arrives at Tulip's uncle's house, looking for Tulip but finding Emily instead, out in the backyard setting all the little critters free.  She says that she's off to get her kids but that Cassidy is inside.  Jesse goes into Cassidy's room, takes in the blood and body.  Cassidy:  "You should go, preacher.  It's not safe for you here."  But Jesse doesn't go.  He sits with his friend and apologizes for letting him burn.  Cassidy shrugs, forgiving him: "Well, you put me out.  That's what matters."  They sit awkwardly for a moment and then Cassidy: "So what do we do now?  You fancy a shag or just want to hold hands or somethin'?"  Jesse laughs and says that they should first get rid of the body. Awww - friends again!  While tidying up, Cassidy examines the Heaven phone but Jesse says it doesn't work: it needs angel hands or else it doesn't work.  Cassidy:  "That's no problem, padre.  I can get you angel hands."  Jesse's all, okay, but I got to make a call first.  He calls Tulip, getting her voicemail and leaving her a long rambling message about how he's realized it now, "For me, it's just you.  'Til the end of the world."

Jesse gets Tulip's voicemail because she's busy with Carlos in Albuquerque.  She's a little banged up and bloody but he's now tied to a chair and she's got a meat tenderizer.

Back to the Cowboy:  We get the Cowboy's first scene again, the sick child, being sent for medicine, meeting the settler family, finding the preacher distasteful, getting the medicine, changing his mind halfway home and returning to Ratville to make sure the settlers are okay, getting beaten and his horse getting shot, walking home to find his wife and daughter dead and picked at by crows.  And then we get the scene - or select bits of it - again, and again and again, and also the scene from the start of the episode, with the Cowboy killing everyone in the saloon, again and again.  And I get it: the Cowboy is in Hell, doomed to relive this over and over for eternity.  Until one time, after he has slaughtered the saloon and is taking his drink at the bar, Deblanc and Fiore walk in.  They have a job for him: they want him to kill someone.  Who, growls the Cowboy.  A preacher, say the angels.  He's in.

Back to now:  Jesse and Cassidy are fixing to bury Miles and the bigger animal bodies.  First they dig up Cassidy's trunk, with the dead iterations of the angels in it.  He pulls out a hand and tosses it to Jesse, who thanks him.  They put Miles in the reopened grave and start to fill it in.  Cassidy:  "God, eh? Comin' to Texas?"  Jesse:  "Yep.  Sunday mornin'."  Cassidy: "That'll be somethin'."  Jesse: "Yep."

Previously on Preacher / next time on Preacher

Here's what I read recently

Mercury Falls by Robert Kroese - Christine, an end-times reporter for a religious news publication, has nearly had enough of doomsday cults and their always-wrong predictions about Armageddon.  But while on a legitimate assignment in the Middle East, she is given a locked briefcase and told to "take it to Mercury."  Mercury happens to be a sassy angel, happily practicing his ping-pong serve in California and trying not to take anything too seriously.  Both Heaven and Hell are moving their players into position for the Apocalypse - it's actually going to happen this time - and Christine and Mercury have to kidnap the Antichrist (a total dickweed named Karl who lives in his mother's attic) to keep the world from ending.

I liked Mercury Falling but didn't love it.  I wasn't able to make much of a connection with any of the characters and, as such, didn't really care about any of them.  There is a definite Douglas Adams/Tim Robbins/Terry Pratchett tone to the novel as the ridiculous situations keep piling up and Christine keeps trying to deal with them as a rational human being.  If you like your apocalypses on the lighter side, this one's for you.  (And as a bonus, it is just the first in a series of Mercury novels.)

The Fireman by Joe Hill - A plague has swept the country (and possibly the world), brought about by a highly contagious spore - apparently released as the polar ice has melted - that marks its victims' skin with gorgeous gold and black tattoos ... and then causes them to spontaneously combust and burn alive.  There is no cure.  Harper Grayson is a nurse who at first tries to care for those sickened by Dragonscale and then she catches a dose of it herself.  Her horrible husband has a nervous breakdown and abandons her, just as she learns that she is pregnant with their first child.  An enigmatic stranger that she meets in the hospital - the Fireman - helps her find her way to a community of infected who support one another while they try to learn to live with their infection.  But around them civilization has fallen apart: no power, no government, no medicine and roving bands of Cremation Squads who put down any infected they can find.  Harper discovers that the Fireman has learned how to control the Dragonscale - and that is her only hope for her unborn child, and perhaps the human race.

Look, I really like Joe Hill.  But The Fireman was as uninteresting and unoriginal as a novel about people bursting into flame can be.  At the start of the book, Hill's dedication includes those who inspired him with this book:  including, "Ray Bradbury, from whom I stole my title, [and] my father, from whom I stole all the rest."  Everyone now knows that Hill's father is Stephen King and The Fireman sure felt like a SK ripoff: including bits from The Stand (the plague, pregnant heroine, collapse of civilization) and Firestarter (um, the fire) and Cell (another collapse of civilization, moving through Maine to a rumored safe haven), to name just a couple.  The characters felt a little thin and the build-up to the confrontation between Harper and her crazed ex-husband just fizzled out like pfftttt.  I would like to see Joe Hill get back to form - this one was just too derivative for me.