Oh god. I can't put this off any longer. Here goes nothing. Wish me luck.
Resuming exactly from the S5 finale, up where we left off, Sookie and Eric watch in horror as the previously liquefied Bill re-coagulates. Everyone runs like hell to get out of the Authority HQ as a feral Bill tears the place apart. They jump in the SUV and drive away as the warehouse above the HQ explodes - and then out of the fire levitates a bloody, terrifying Bill. "Get the fuck out of here!" shrieks Pam. Also, in nobody-cares-much news, above ground but separate from everyone else, the mortally wounded (from skinwalking too much) Luna dies after making Sam promise to take care of Emma.
As the gang drives off, an emergency press conference from the Governor's office comes over the radio: he has sworn to protect the people of Louisiana, not the vampires. Two hundred forty-six human Louisianans have been killed since the Tru Blood shortage so (1) a vampire curfew has been put into place (not allowed in public after dark), (2) vampire businesses are now closed/seized and (3) people have a right to defend themselves so basically violence against vampires is okay. They all start squabbling among themselves and have to stop the car - Pam sniping at a bossy Nora and being pissed at Eric for not telling her about his sister, Jason getting all pumped about killing vampires, Jessica freaking out about what happened to Bill, Tara thinking Eric is an asshole for being mean to Pam - blah blah blah. They are at the [nighttime] shore and the best part is Pam bitching about how much she hates the beach: fish piss and sand in your cootch. One interesting thing (and I use "interesting" sarcastically) is that Nora knows about Warlow and wants to know what Jason knows about him. Eric: Who's Warlow? Nora glamours Jason a bit to find out what he knows; afterwards, he freaks out about the glamouring, starts waving his gun around and then runs off.
Then, poor Jessica convulses: Bill is compelling her, as his progeny, to come to him. Eric tries to restrain her and she screams, vomiting blood, her chest swelling and bruising. As soon he lets her go, the screaming and vomiting stops. Pam and Tara head back to Fangtasia on Eric's orders; Eric and Nora go somewhere else. I wasn't paying attention.
Pointless werewolfery: Alcide must ingest the flesh of the former packmaster in order to cement his role as new packmaster, so he - in human form - takes a bite out of the dismembered JD's forearm. Classy. Pointless Bellefleur-ery: Over at the Bellefleur family plantation, Arlene and Terry are running ragged trying to take care of Andy's four half-faerie babies. He's freaking out a bit because he doesn't know what to do. She calms down, calms him down, and takes him inside to learn how to change a diaper.
Sam (still covered in bits of Roslyn - eew) carries an exhausted Emma into his restaurant, where he finds Lafayette toting a shotgun and drinking Sam's good tequila. Emma wakes up, sad and hungry. Lafayette: "Hey shorty-pop. You want somethin' deep fried, dipped in sugar and deep fried all over again?" She does (I do too!) and he takes her back into the kitchen. Sam pleads with him not to tell anyone that they're here. Lafayette pats him on the shoulder, saying "Wrong place at the wrong time oughta be my middle fuckin' name." Their secret is safe with him.
A tired Jason is staggering down some rural road somewhere when an ancient station wagon stops and picks him up. A scary sort of old guy is driving (Rutger Hauer, who is usually scary, amirite?). When Jason says he's going to Bon Temps, Rutger Hauer says that he used to have family there, but they're likely all dead now.
Sookie and Jessica get back to Bill and Jessica's house. They go upstairs, following the bloody footprints as Jessica whispers, "He's here." He is sitting out on the veranda, clean and clothed and seemingly normal. "I just want to talk," he says. As he stands up, Nora and Eric fly in. Without even blinking, Bill throws Nora off into the side of the house. He and Eric grapple, fangs out, and Bill is about to do some serious harm to the Viking when Sookie runs up and stakes Bill from behind (not a euphemism). She gets him right through the heart ... but instead of collapsing into a pile of true death blood and goo, Bill simply staggers a bit and pulls the stake out of his chest. He looks around at everyone. "Now can we talk?" Bill speechifies, saying that he is not a monster, he is not here to do them harm unless they try to attack him again. He says that he is himself, but more than he was. "I see everything now." Sookie's like, dude, I felt you die so I don't for a minute believe you are Bill Compton. She tells him to GFTO of Bon Temps but Jessica steps in, saying that she and Bill are staying right here and the rest of them should leave. The house starts to shake and Sookie, Eric and Nora run for it.
Somewhere else (Shreveport? wherever), the Governor has invited some Tru Blood executives to a currently-defunct bottling plant that the state had seized to hear his proposal: they are free to utilize the plant to get their business up and running again. The executives want to know what's in it for him. He says he just wants to feed the vampires, get them to stop killing humans and get back to being law-abiding, tax-paying citizens. "The state needs revenue. I need revenue if I want to get re-elected." Somehow I don't believe him.
Out in the woods, the wolves are running. Alcide transforms back to his naked human form - for the female audience's gratification - and then he and Ricki (his wolf girl friend) and another she-wolf have a three-way. Ricki: "I'm your #1 bitch. Don't ever forget that." Whatever.
Back at Fangtasia: Tara is pushing Pam to get over Eric, especially since he released her. They argue a bit until the police show up to enforce the Governor's new executive order to close the club down. Tara stands up to them and they shoot her with something that makes her scream and scream.
Eric walks Sookie back to her house, saying that he's got money and he can give her enough that she can go wherever she wants. She's like, I'm not going anywhere. He asks her for a pen and paper and - in his own blood - signs her house back over to her (I totally forgot that he had bought it). She thanks him and then, without skipping a beat, she rescinds his invitation to her house. As the door closes in his face, Nora is waiting for him on the porch. She is interested to learn that Sookie may be his weakness (and she's also interested in Sookie because of the Warlow connection).
At the Bellefleurs', there is the pitter-patter of little feet in the night. Andy opens his eyes to find four toddlers staring happily at him. "Hi, daddy!" they shriek with delight. He and Arlene and Terry shriek too - but it's because those faerie children have aged four years in a single evening.
Bill brings Jessica a glass of Tru Blood. She is still sad and scared and wondering WTF her sire has become. She tells him that he almost tore her apart when he summoned her, that he was a fuckin' monster when he reanimated back at the Authority. He pleads with her that he doesn't know what he is but he needs her help to learn what sort of powers he has now, to keep him honest and grounded. She says he won't like it when she tells him the truth but he hugs her, saying that he will need to hear it.
Jason, being Jason, has completely spilled his guts to Rutger Hauer: Sookie's "mental problems" and consorting with vampires, his seeing his dead, racist parents, etc. He's all, maybe I'm crazy too but I need to stick around to protect my sister from Warlow. Rutger Hauer laughs, saying that there's nothing he can do to protect Sookie. Jason: "How do you know my sister's name?" Rutger Hauer: "Just who do you think I am, Jason?" Jason assumes he's Warlow and shoots at him but Rutger Hauer teleports out of the moving car, which promptly crashes into a tree.
After Jessica has gone to bed, Bill is visited by four naked, blood-covered, merkin-wearing non-Liliths. He's all, who are you? They hush him and then rush into him, making him gasp with pain.
Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood
58 minutes ago