Thursday, June 26, 2014

True Blood episode recap "Turn! Turn! Turn!" S5E1

What happened last time/season on True Blood?  Damned if I can remember ... oh yeah: Sookie broke up with Bill and Eric; Bill and Eric killed Nan Whatshername and a bunch of Authority vamps; Reverend Steve came back to visit Jason, this time as a vampire; Alcide killed Marcus the werewolf leader and saved Sam's life; Jesus is dead and Lafayette is a full-blown medium; and Tara got shot in the head during Sookie's confrontation with Alcide's girlfriend/jealous werewolf bitch Debbie, who also got shot in the head but more conclusively.  So, this season on True Blood:

We begin with some slight re-running of the events of last episode.  Eric cleans the mess he and Bill made with Nan and her soldiers while Bill leaves a message for Jessica, saying he'll be out of town for a bit.  Sookie walks into her kitchen and is confronted with an off-camera Debbie.  Both Bill and Eric notice Sookie's spike in fear and Bill is all, "Sookie!" while Eric, even better, is all, "Fuck Sookie! You heard what she said to us.  Plus, we gotta get out of here before the Authority nabs us."  [Paraphrased.]  But it's too late and the Authority nabs them, using silver nets, and stuffs them in the trunk of a car.  Back at Sookie's house, Sookie and Lafayette are wailing over the dying Tara.  Pam shows up, looking for Eric.  Lafayette begs Pam to turn Tara to save her.  "Turn her?  I don't even like her," Pam snaps, continuing, "I can't be the only one noticing she's missing half her head ... it's entirely possible she'll wake up fucktarded."  But Sookie says she'll mend fences between Pam and Eric plus still owe Pam one, so against her better judgment, Pam feeds Tara her blood.  Which should go over SO well since Tara hates vampires - some eternal self-loathing from her should be a treat.  [Sarcasm.]

Vampire Reverend Steve manages to glamour his way into Jason's house.  He is such a twit, even as a vampire.  Steve ties Jason up, erases his memory of what happened, and de-glamours him.  He then comes out to Jason - he's a religious gay vampire American!  And he's in love with Jason.  Jason, very diplomatically, says thanks but no thanks, as "this dog don't bark that way."  Steve gets a little cranky at that but before he can bite Jason, Jessica shows up to stake [heh] her claim.

The werewolves have surrounded Sam at his trailer.  One shifts back into human form and asks where Marcus is (they don't know he's dead yet).  Sam suddenly remembers he's a shapeshifter and shifts into a hawk, flying away.  He flies to Luna's house to warn her about Marcus's pack.  She's all, but Alcide killed Marcus so why are they after you?  Sam's like, Alcide helped me out and I'm not going to throw him to the, um, wolves [my pun].  The werewolves show up at Luna's and threaten her daughter so Sam agrees to go with them.  Meanwhile, Pam, decked out in "a Wal-Mart sweatsuit," has Sookie and Lafayette bury her with Tara for the turning.  She's not happy about any of it.

Through some shenanigans with an umbrella, Bill and Eric manage to poke a hole in the car's gas tank and blow it up, freeing themselves.  Luckily, one of the Authority vampires who were transporting them is Nora, Eric's "sister," upon whom he plants a big, wet, open-mouthed kiss.  Bill rolls his eyes.  Nora is working for the Authority, true, but she saw an opportunity to save Eric; the way they are brother and sister is through Godric, their shared maker.  The three of them go to ground in a shipping container for the day to wait for Nora's people who will get Bill and Eric new identities.  And by "go to ground" I mean Eric and Nora knock one out in spectacular fashion while Bill wishes he were anywhere else.  "We fight like siblings but we fuck like champions," Eric grins afterwards.

Back at Sookie's house, she and Lafayette clean up the blood and Debbie parts splattered all over the kitchen.  Afterwards, she drives him back to his house so they can deal with Jesus's body.  But when they go inside, the body is gone - ostensibly because the actor had to go over to be a bad guy on Arrow.  Lafayette says good-bye anyway, in case his boyfriend's spirit is lingering.  In a storyline I care NOTHING about, Sheriff Andy Bellefleur and Holly get caught in flagrante delicto when her sons come home early from their hunting trip.  Over with the other Bellefleurs, Terry's Marines buddy Patrick is having breakfast with Terry, Arlene and the kids.  Terry is testier than usual.  Apparently Patrick is interested when he hears they lost their house in a fire.

In another storyline I don't care much about, Hoyt is still refusing to talk to his former BFF Jason because Jason slept with Jessica after she and Hoyt broke up.  Later on, Alcide stops by Sookie's house.  She's a little panicked that he'll figure out that she killed his girlfriend.  He tells her that Russell Edgington is not, in fact, dead but has dragged himself out of the concrete grave Bill and Eric put him in.  He's 3,000 years old, she exclaims, what were they thinking leaving him alive?  Alcide is all, you're in danger and you should come stay with me so I can protect you.  Sookie's like, you're not going to want me to stay with you when you find out what I did ... but Lafayette busts in before she can confess to killing Debbie.  He asks Alcide how the werewolf plans on protecting Sookie from an ancient pissed off vampire when all werewolves do is piss off vampires.  He's had enough of supernatural bullshit - vampires, witches, maenads and motherfucking werewolves - and tells Alcide to get the fuck up out of his face.  Alcide growls a little but doesn't press the issue.  Later he does call Eric to let him know about Russell, however.

On the other side of town, the werewolf pack is beating Sam to try to get Marcus's body's whereabouts.  Sam won't 'fess up though.  Marcus's mother Martha, a hard-lookin' woman/werewolf, comes in to talk with him next.  She says they need Marcus's body back to transition to the next packleader.  She promises to protect Luna and Ella if he takes them to the body.  "Let's go, "says Sam.  Over at Merlotte's, Terry is trying to enjoy a cigarette when Patrick shows up, telling him that he's been investigating a rash of fires that have been plaguing members of their squad - it's because of what happened "that night in Iraq."  Terry does NOT want to talk about it.  Patrick is looking for one particular member of their squad; Terry says he doesn't know where the guy is.

Jason busts in on a party Jessica is having with some college kids.  He gets jealous when she starts flirting with another guy but when one of the sorority girls offers herself up, he turns her down, trying to be a good guy for once since he's still hung up on Jessica.  He drives her home, saying "Do me a favor and put on that sweatshirt because you are in some kind of shape and I don't need to see that shit." Heh.

The werewolves dig up Marcus and are about to kill Sam for his murder but Alcide shows up, claiming the kill for his own.  The pack is all, you're the leader now and Alcide is like, um, no.  Then a bunch of the weres shift to wolf form and start eating Marcus's body,  Ick.

Over on the waterfront, Nora has just handed Bill and Eric their new identities when the Authority forces descend on them.  Oops.  Guess they won't be getting away quite yet.  Back at Sookie's house, Pam digs herself out of the ground, grumbling that there is dirt in her bra.  Did it work? Sookie asks and Pam's all, I don't fuckin' know.  Sookie digs frantically, uncovering Tara's face, but there is no movement.  Sookie starts crying.  Lafayette comes out of the house, takes in the scene and just stands there, disconsolate.  And then, because you knew this was going to happen, Tara bursts out of the ground, looming hungrily over the shocked Sookie.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

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