The first movie of the Fourth Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series is a pseudo-classic, Friday the 13th 3-D. It's classic in that it's an old school F13 slasher and it's where Jason picks up his hockey mask; it's only pseudo because it's really kind of lame. Wherein lies the lameness? Terrible synthesizer music, an absolutely threadbare plot (even for an old slasher), an unsympathetic Final Girl (until she kicks it into gear in the last 20 minutes or so) and not much connecting it to the prior movie - even going so far as to rewrite Part 2's final scene. Also lame: the 3-D of it. I don't have a 3-D television (who does, really?) but even so it was obvious what effects were supposed to come leaping out of the screen at you, including a TV antenna, flapping laundry, a rattlesnake, a rat, a joint being passed, a yoyo, fruit being juggled, popcorn, a spear from a speargun and an eyeball. Only the last two have any bearing on what was happening in the movie.
What happens in F133D is this: a bunch of young people go to an old farmhouse, purportedly on Crystal Lake, for the weekend. They're all thinly-drawn stereotypes: a couple of stoners, a hot Latina, a couple who have sex all the time, a truly annoying nerd, a BMOC and his Final Girl girlfriend. There's an incident with some bikers at a local store and the bikers follow the kids back to the farmhouse for payback, but the bikers all get offed - by good ol' Jason Voorhees, who is on the prowl after killing a white-trash couple a few miles up the road - before the kids even realize the bikers are there. There are various sex-and-drugs shenanigans and then Jason starts picking them off. Final Girl Kris, after pretty much being a whiny bitch for the whole movie, actually kicks some ass once she's the only one left, pulling a knife out of a dead friend and stabbing Jason twice, whacking him in the head with a length of stove wood, putting a noose around his neck and rolling him out a window so he hangs. She survives the movie but is totally batshit bonkers by the time the police drive her away.
Some of the kills are fairly creative, and there's a high body count: (1) Harold/cleaver to chest; (2) Harold's wife/knitting needle to spine; (3) Foxy/pitchfork through neck; (4) Loco/pitchfork in gut; (5) Ali/machete; (6) Vera/spear through the eye; (7) Andy/machete through his junk; (8) Deb/machete through chest whilst lying in a hammock; (9) Shelly/throat cut; (10) Chuck/electrocuted; (11) Julie/red hot poker through the gut; (12) Rick/head crushed. Good times!
Next movie: Daybreakers
13 hours ago