Now, that’s the way to start a Lost episode: Alterna-Sawyer, sweaty, shirtless and getting’ his sexy on. The girlie he’s with seems to agree with me. He seems to be playing his old con only this time, the girlie isn’t taken in by it: she’s married to a con man herself and is totally on to him. By the way, Sawyer looks extra hot because he’s got a haircut. When she pulls a gun on him, he tells her that he’s not actually a con man but is a cop and they’re looking to take down her husband. She starts to get agitated so he calls in the cavalry who are waiting outside. The cops take the woman away. Guess who Sawyer the Cop’s partner is? Miles – yay! I think I like this alternate reality.
Back on the Island, Crazy Claire is packing up her camp. She pauses to gaze lovingly at the sketchy teddy bear-animal skull dollbaby in the bassinet. Kate comes up, looking around, and is not quite able to keep the “eeuuwww” out of her voice when she asks Claire if this is where she’s been living. Then she catches sight of the skull-baby and is horrified: “What is that?” Claire fixes her with a stern gaze: “It’s all I had.”
In the clearing, Not-Locke has gathered his groupies around. He says he knows that everyone is tired and full of questions, and he will make himself available to them eventually, but right now they need to keep moving. Cindy the Stewardess asks what happened to the folks who stayed behind at the Temple. Not-Locke doesn’t lie: “The Black Smoke killed them.” The camera cuts to Sayid who shows absolutely no expression. Everyone else sort of whimpers. Not-Locke consoles them; and as he talks, Claire sidles up to Kate and holds her hand. Kate’s all: um, weird? As they move out, Sawyer checks in with Kate, asking after Jack, Hurley and Miles. She cuts to the point: “So you’re with Locke now?” Sawyer shakes his head: “I’m not with anybody, Kate.”
Alterna-2004. Detective James Ford is on the phone, trying to track down “Anthony Cooper” (who, you may remember, is Locke’s bad daddy and the man who was responsible for Sawyer’s parents’ deaths – in the other reality, at least). Miles wants to know who Anthony Cooper is and Sawyer blows him off. They shoot the shit for a while until Miles tells him that he’s fixed him up with a date for tonight. Sawyer’s all, if she’s so great, why don’t you date her? Miles reminds him that he has a girlfriend (who?!), then asks another couple of pointed questions about Anthony Cooper. When Sawyer prevaricates, Miles tells him that he can trust him, there’s no need to lie. Sawyer bluffs, insisting that he’s not lying.
Island. Not-Locke leads his troops through the jungle. They pause at a stream and Not-Locke tells them to stock up on water as they may be camping out for a couple more days. Sawyer doesn’t like this: “A couple of days? I thought you said we were getting off this rock!” Not-Locke suggests that maybe they should talk about this in private. As they move away from the group, Sawyer asks how Not-Locke managed to get the survivors away from the “smoke thing.” Not-Locke sighs, turns and admits: “I didn’t – I am the smoke thing.” Sawyer frowns, because that means Not-Locke killed all those people, and Not-Locke points out that he did give them a chance to leave peacefully. He insists that all he wants to do is leave the Island but the Temple people believe that they have to protect the Island from him – “It’s either kill or be killed … and I don’t want to be killed.” Sawyer sighs.
They walk to the shore where there is an outrigger canoe waiting. Not-Locke tells Sawyer that he wants him to take the canoe over to Hydra Island where the Ajira plane is and do some recon on Alana’s people there who want to do Not-Locke harm. Sawyer protests that it’ll be dangerous because those folks might want to do him harm as well. Not-Locke smiles, saying that won’t be a problem since Sawyer is the best liar he ever met: you tell’em whatever you need to tell’em to gain their trust, then you come back and report to me. Sawyer wants to know why he should do this. And Not-Locke tells him that they’re going to end up getting on that Ajira plane, flying off this Island and never looking back. Sawyer makes his frowny face again.
Alterna-2004. Suave Sawyer stalks through restaurant bar, searching for the redhead with whom Miles has fixed him up. He finds her: it’s Charlotte, of course. He thinks she’s hot; I think she’s wearing too many extensions. They flirt during dinner. There are lots of close-up shots of their faces and he’s got such a cute dimple that I’m all distracted. Charlotte must like that dimple too because shortly thereafter they have sex back at Sawyer’s apartment. In the afterglow, she asks if she can borrow a t-shirt. He says yes, but as she’s rummaging around in his dresser drawer, she finds a file all about how Anthony Cooper killed his family. Sawyer catches her looking at that stuff and gets furious, throwing her out over her protests of “James!”
Island. Sawyer has made it across the strait to Hydra Island. He makes his way to the polar bear holding cells and, upon seeing the shreds of the flowered dress that Kate wore when they were locked up together and had sex, he gets all nostalgic or sad or something. Whatever. Have you forgotten Juliet so soon?
Back on the big Island, Kate sits down next to Sayid. She asks if he believes that Not-Locke can get them all off the Island. He answers in a monotone, “Yes, I believe,” and she looks at him strangely, asking if he’s all right. He says no and then, from out of nowhere, Claire tackles her, knocking her to the ground and holding a big ol’ knife to Kate’s throat. Sayid just watches as Kate screams for his help. Finally it’s Not-Locke who pulls Claire off. Freed, Kate scrambles for a shotgun and wields it like a club. Claire is screaming, ranting – she took Aaron! – and Not-Locke tries to explain that Claire had gone missing so Kate did what she had to do to take care of the baby … and finally just slaps Claire across the face. Both Kate and Claire look stunned at this and Claire shuts up. Not-Locke tells her sternly: “This is completely inappropriate.” He sends Claire away, saying he'll deal with her in a minute. He looks at Kate: “Are you all right?” Kate shrieks. “No, I’m not all right!” and Not-Locke gives her a funny look and then goes to talk to Claire.
Hydra. Sawyer next finds the Ajira airplane, looming large and unbroken in the center of the island. He walks around it, rubbing his hands over its fuselage like it was a woman. Then he looks around, noticing a fairly recent campfire and a trail like something had been dragged away. He follows the trail and something indeed has been dragged: a bunch of rotting bodies all thrown together in a pile. Sawyer gags, turning away and sees movement in the underbrush. He gives chase, tackling a frightened woman. She squeals that she’s the only one left.
Alterna-2004. Charlie’s brother Liam has a cameo in the lobby of the L.A.P.D. as he tries to get someone to help him bail Charlie out of jail; he attempts to talk to Sawyer but just gets brushed aside. Bye, Liam! Meanwhile, Miles comes storming up and grabs his partner, hustling him into the locker room and throwing him up against the lockers. “Is there something you want to tell me?!” he shouts. I immediately assume that Charlotte made a phone call to him after getting tossed post-coitally and so does Sawyer, saying that “she opened the wrong drawer.” Miles is all: WTF are you talking about? “Why were you in Australia when you told me you were in Palm Springs?” Oops. “You lied to me! We’re supposed to trust each other – what were you doing in Australia?” Sawyer, grimly tells him that’s none of his damn business. Miles gets a hurt look on his face and says, fine, you’re right – and I’m not your partner anymore.
Hydra. Sawyer offers the woman some water and asks her story. She was out collecting wood when she heard screaming; when she came back, everyone else was dead and she’s spent the last few days dragging the bodies into a pile. She is calming down and asks if he’s alone. He tells her no, he’s with a group of people on the larger Island and if she wants, he’ll take her back with him. “Thank god,” she breathes and Sawyer shakes his head: “God’s got nuthin’ to do with it.”
Island. Kate sits by herself in a stand of bamboo, sobbing and sniffling. Not-Locke finds her and says, “I’m sorry, Kate, I have to take responsibility for Claire’s behavior as I told her that the Others took her baby.” Kate wonders why he did that. Not-Locke asks if she ever needed to have an enemy, needed to have someone to hate – “It’s powerful, isn’t it?” Well, Claire needed something to keep her going when she was all alone. Kate sneers: “That’s very insightful, coming from a dead man.” Not-Locke: “Well, nobody’s perfect.” I must say that Not-Locke has a much better sense of humor than poor Locke ever did. He continues, saying that Claire may just need a little more time and that he will keep his promise to keep everyone safe – including Kate. Wiping away her tears, Kate changes the subject: where did Sawyer go? Not-Locke offers her his hand and tells her that he’ll show her.
Hydra. Sawyer and the woman walk to his outrigger and she begins to ask really a lot of questions, enough questions that both Sawyer and I get suspicious. He pulls his gun and demands to know who she is. She drops the act and gives a whistle. Immediately, a bunch of guys with big guns burst out of the bushes and disarm Sawyer. “You got me,” he smirks, “Take me to your leader.”
Island. Not-Locke and Kate make their way to the beach, taking seats on the sand. He tells her that he sent Sawyer to Hydra … but he really wants to talk to her. He says he isn’t actually a dead man and he understands what she’s going through. Kate: WTF? Not-Locke says that a long time ago, before he looked like Locke, he had a mother who was completely disturbed and as a result, he had some growing pains, problems that he’s still trying to work his way through. Ooh – what mythology could this be referencing? Let the wild theorizing begin! Kate wants to know why he’s telling her this. Not-Locke: “Because now Aaron has a crazy mother too.”
Hydra. Sawyer gets taken to the pier where Widmore’s submarine is moored. FM is a little slow on the uptake: so these are Widmore’s people? They send Sawyer down into the sub.
Alterna-2004. Sawyer heats up a frozen dinner and half-heartedly watches an episode of Little House on the Prairie. The dialogue between Pa and Laura is supposed to relate to Sawyer’s situation somehow but Mr. Mouse is asking me questions about the past three seasons of this show and I neither catch it nor care to rewind. In the end, Sawyer gets remorseful and shortly thereafter, shows up at Charlotte’s apartment with a flower, some beer and an apology. She won’t have any of it and slams the door in his face. He leaves the flower on the doorstep but takes the beer with him when he goes. Heh.
Submarine. Widmore introduces himself to Sawyer, who won’t shake his hand, remembering him as the guy who sent the freighter to the Island to kill everyone. Widmore of course says it’s all a big misunderstanding, he’s been wrongfully portrayed as the bad guy. But what he really wants to know is why is Sawyer here? John Locke sent him. John Locke’s dead. Sawyer: “We both know that who I’m talkin’ about ain’t John Locke.” Then Sawyer proposes a double cross whereby he brings Locke to Widmore in exchange for safety for his people (that would be Kate and who else, do you suppose?) and safe passage off this damn Island. Widmore considers this. And then this time they shake hands.
Island. Claire finds Kate and wants to apologize; Kate mostly just cocks her rifle. But then Claire starts to cry and thanks Kate for taking care of the baby, and she clutches Kate into a big hug, sobbing. It’s okay, says Kate. I’m not entirely sure I believe Claire’s change of heart – I mean, it’d be cool if she was faking this and ended up killing Kate. Meanwhile, Sawyer has made it back to the main Island where he reports to tells Not-Locke that the Ajira passengers are all dead and there’s no way Widmore will let Not-Locke’s crew on the plane without a fight. He says that there are about six well armed men besides Widmore, and they’re setting up anti-Smoke Monster pylons. Not-Locke wants to know what Sawyer told Widmore about him. Sawyer: that I’d tell you the coast was clear and walk you over into their trap. “You told me you’d get me off the Island – a deal’s a deal.” Not-Locke stares long and hard at Sawyer, and it looks as though he may believe him.
Alterna-2004. Sawyer finds Miles and hand over the notebook about his family’s case. It says SAWYER on the cover. “Who’s Sawyer?” asks Miles. Sawyer tells him how his parents died, and about the grifter who forced them to it, and how he’s been chasing him ever since he left the police academy. And when he finds him, he’s gonna kill him. Miles is about to try to talk him out of it when their car gets nailed HARD by a small blue sedan whose driver jumps out and runs away. Miles and Sawyer give chase, Sawyer eventually catching them. It’s Kate, of course, fugitive on the run. Sawyer looks her up and down appreciatively and exclaims, “Son of a bitch!”
Island. Kate pokes at the campfire when Sawyer saunters up, wondering what’s for dinner. She doesn’t seem like she much wants to talk, but tiredly asks why he’s running errands for Locke. He tells her exactly what he found over there on Hydra, and how he’s going to let Widmore and Locke fight it out between themselves, and “while they got their hands full of each other, you and me are gonna get off this Island.” And he’s not after the plane either - his plan is to steal the sub, Freckles.
Next time: a Richard episode!!! SQUEEEEE!
Previously on Lost / next time on Lost
5 hours ago