Friend Mouse Speaks

The Walking Dead S2E7 "Nebraska" (2/12/12)

2012-02-13T01:24:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to The Walking Dead! Tonight's theme will be hope, to have or have not.

We pick right up where we left off, with Rick putting a bullet through Zombie Sophia's head. Carol breaks away from Darryl's arms and runs off. Everyone else is stunned. Herschel's stepdaughter Beth runs to her mother's corpse, sobbing. The zombie is not quite dead, however, and attacks Beth. Rick's people spring into action, pulling the girl away to safety and Andrea finally putting a pickaxe through the zombie's skull. As Herschel and his people head back to the farmhouse, Shane gets riled up about how they've been searching for Sophia when she was in the barn the whole time. Herschel protests that he didn't know she was in there and tells Rick that he's got to get his people off this farm. Rick lays into Shane, telling him that he'd been handling things but Shane scoffs, saying that Rick had them all out searching for a little girl whom they knew in their hearts was dead. "You're just as delusional as Herschel." Shane has a point but I also think he's over compensating for not having been able to put Sophia down himself.

Darryl finds Carol hiding out in the RV. He sits there with her, not saying a word.Glen follows Maggie into the house, asking again if she knew Sophia had been in the barn. She just stares at him. He thinks that now that they've found her, even though she's dead, maybe they can move on. Maggie wonders how people can just move on. Outside, Laurie decides that they should dig graves for Sophia, Herschel's wife and his stepson; they'll burn the rest of the bodies. As the others move off to start digging, Rick whinges about how he's supposed to be taking care of people but they keep getting hurt. After the graves have been dug, Laurie goes to fetch Carol for the burial service. Carol doesn't want to go: "That's not my little girl, that's some other ... thing." Darryl stares at her, then heads to the gravesites. Inside the house, Herschel packs up his dead wife's things. He'd been holding onto them in the vain hopes that she'd get better. He finds a flask in a drawer and stares at it. We don't see the burial service - just an overhead shot of the group dispersing afterwards, everyone seeming lost and alone.

Carol wanders out into the fields and starts ripping up all the Cherokee roses she can find. Andrea and T-Dog load up the dead zombies to take them out to burn. There's a small spat about what just happened: Andrea and T-Dog are on the "damn right we should kill the walkers in our backyard" side of things; Rick, Laurie and Dale think that things might have been handled better. Maggie asks Glen if he'd consider staying on the farm with him if his group leaves, but before they can get into it, Beth faints in the kitchen. She is catatonic, feverish, in shock. No one can find Herschel and it is determined that he's off the farm. They find the flask and Maggie says that he'd never allow booze on the farm. Looks like he's rediscovered its charms. Glen and Rick decide to go to town to check the bar. Laurie doesn't want Rick to go, saying he needs to stay and be a father; Shane doesn't think they need to do anything to aid Herschel; Rick says he owes it to the man to see that he's safe.

Shane sees Carol come staggering out of the woods, half in shock herself and covered in thorns. He helps her clean up at the pump, telling her how sorry he is about Sophia. Meanwhile, Dale tells Laurie his theory about Shane having sacrificed Otis to escape the zombies. "He's dangerous, Laurie, sooner or later he's gonna kill somebody else." Beth is not getting any better and Laurie decides to ask Darryl to run into town and fetch back Herschel and Rick - which makes no sense seeing how Rick was planning on bringing the old veterinarian back as soon as he found him. Darryl calls her Olive Oyl (heh) and tells her to piss off and go after them herself. He's done looking for people. I love Darryl.

Blah blah blah on the drive into town, Glen babbles to Rick about how Maggie said she loves him but he didn't say it back. Ugh, just get into town already and DO something. When they get to town, they do find Herschel at the bar, working his way through a bottle of whiskey. They tell him about Beth but he's like, what can I do? He is feeling sorry for himself, saying that he was a fool and Rick's people saw through that immediately. "My daughters deserve better than that."

That goddamn Laurie takes a car and drives towards town. While she's looking at a map (there's like one road out there, what does she need a map for?), a zombie wanders into the road. She sees it too late and instead of just running it down, clips it and overcorrects, sending the car rolling up and over and into a ditch. What an effing dumbass.

Now Herschel rails at Rick, saying that he did the Christian thing by taking Rick's people in, and they destroyed everything. Then he switches tacks and rants about how he had been delusional, thinking there was a cure, thinking that there was hope. "You know that now, don't you?" he says, "There's no hope for any of us." Rick snaps back that death has always been here for all of them - cancer, heart attacks, now walkers. "It isn't about what we believe [meaning, yes, he's feeling bereft too], its about them." Then the door to the street opens and two strangers walk in. "Sonofabitch, they're alive!" one of them says.

The strangers are Dave (Rene from True Blood) and Tony, recently from Philadelphia. They've been following rumors around the country and burst Rick's bubble when they tell him that they met a soldier from Fort Benning who said the base was overrun with "lamebrains." They've been considering Nebraska: low population and lots of guns. Then, Dave and Tony start asking pointed questions about where Rick, Herschel and Glen are staying, how many survivors are with them, etc. They invite themselves and their group of people to join our gang out at the farm, saying that there's safety in numbers. Rick and Herschel present a united front, saying that they can't take any more people in. Tony is coarse and crude, Dave smoother. I don't trust him. He says that his group has gone through a lot, done things they shouldn't have had to - "we can't stay out there, you know what it's like." Rick demurs: "the farm is too crowded, you'll have to keep looking." Heh, grunts Dave, and lunges for his gun. Rick drops him with one shot to the head (so much for Rene from True Blood) and then turns and puts three bullets in Tony.

The music swells up and we cut between Shane and T-Dog lighting the zombie bonfire and Herschel and Glen just staring open-mouthed at Rick.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

Movie review: Attack the Block

2012-02-11T14:10:00.003-05:00

Ooh, bruv, Attack the Block's amazin' movie, innit? Really loved it, didn't I? In the land of low budget, under the radar alien invasion movies, this one ranks right up there with District 9. In other words, good stuff.

A gang of teenage ruffians patrol the streets around their council estate flats (the "block") in south London, causing trouble, mugging people. One night, while all of London is celebrating something with fireworks, they pick on a pretty young nurse as she's on her way home (to her flat in the block, although they don't recognize her), steal her money, knock her to the ground. Before too much damage can be done, however, something falls out of the sky: a toothy little alien. The young gang kills it and totes it off to the smartest guy they know - the local pot dealer, played with excellent humor by Nick Frost - to see if he can identify it. While they're talking with him, more aliens plummet to earth and the boys decide that they're up for more mayhem. They collect weapons and go out to do battle.

Trouble is, this second round of aliens is not like the first. These are big, black, furry monsters, sort of a cross between a gorilla and a wolf, with many rows of huge, fluorescent teeth. The boys retreat to the block, which soon becomes besieged. They meet up with the nurse - who is at first not inclined to help treat their injuries in light of how they first met - but soon the ragtag group is waging war in earnest. The block is their home and they are not going to give it up without a fight.

I don't even know where to start with how much I liked this movie. It's only 87 minutes long (which, if he liked sci-fi movies, would have been perfect for Mr. Mouse) and never lets up the headlong pace. The gang of boys is clearly developed into individual characters: the scene where they run off to collect weapons from their various apartments gives a nice glimpse into who they are. Their leader, Moses, played by total newcomer John Boyega, is terse and threatening at first, but evolves into a real hero, trying to keep his crew alive. The action is strong, bloody (but not too much so) and realistic (for a movie about aliens). It's scary in spots and quite funny in others, diffusing the tension nicely before it ramps back up. The aliens are simply wonderful - practical effects, not CGI. The way they move (kudos to the stunt guys inside the suits) is so natural looking, fluid and strong.

There are English subtitles available on the DVD - even though everyone in the movie speaks the Queen's English, it is rife with imprenetrable British slang - but I ended up not using them. Sure, I missed some dialogue, but you don't need to understand every word to follow what's going on: aliens invade, kids fight back. It's not complicated but it's a ton of fun and really well done. I liked it so well that I think I'm going to watch it again before I send the DVD back - this is actually a movie I wouldn't mind owning. See it soon if you haven't yet.

@#$%

2012-02-08T22:16:00.005-05:00

Rats - I have two book reviews that I need to get up here but our DVR is on the verge of filling up so we HAVE to clear some shows off that tonight instead. I mean, it's pretty much dire. So stay tuned.

Oh, I did watch the two hour premiere of ABC's The River. Not that scary (when competing against The Walking Dead and even American Horror Story). Way too frantic with the "found footage" racing and jerking through the jungle. Totally Smoke Monster derivative (if you saw it you should know what I mean). And I didn't care about any of the undeveloped characters - seriously? a mystic native in this day and age? - although Thomas Kretschmann is yummy. The next LOST this ain't.

Mini movie review: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

2012-02-02T01:14:00.001-05:00

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz), is the mostly live action adaptation of Bryan Lee O'Malley's beloved graphic novels, in which Scott Pilgrim, a 23 year old Toronto slacker, must do battle with hipster girl Ramona Flowers's seven evil exes in order to win her love. I bought the books but have only read them once: they're very funny and hip and clever, inundated with Canadian 20-something hipster culture, plus local bands, plus video games. Scott is cute and charming but really juvenile and thoughtless; Ramona is sometimes cruel; and the secondary characters are often more pleasant to be around than the main characters.

I thought the movie did a very good job of translating the books. Michael Cera as Scott is self-centered and clueless, but also sweet (although the actor is growing out of his cute boyish looks and entering a more awkward phase). Mary Elizabeth Winstead is pretty good as Ramona, I guess, but I'm not sure she's that good an actress. Ellen Wong, playing Knives Chau, and Kieran Culkin, as Scott's gay roommate Wallace, steal every scene they're in. And the line-up of Ramona's seven evil exes was well-cast (Chris Evans! Jason Schwartzman! Mae Whitman!), although Brandon Routh does nothing for me.

I enjoyed the videogame battles between Scott and the exes, something that seems so natural in the books - I do imagine that people who saw the movie without having read the books were like, WTF is going on? My thoughts here are a little incoherent since I saw the movie a couple of days ago and things are slipping away from me, sorry. But I had a lot of fun watching SPvtW: it's not deep, but it's pretty and interesting and fun, and pays a nice homage to the source material. Ain't nothin' at all wrong with that.

New stuff

2012-01-28T00:34:00.000-05:00

In addition to hurtling with great joy through Joe Abercrombie's Best Served Cold (more on that later) and getting caught up on S5 of Dexter, I've been sampling some of the new mid-season television shows. While I haven't found anything yet that I love, I'm generally liking them more than what fall brought us.

Alcatraz - I'm intrigued by what happened to the prison's denizens, I'm enjoying Jorge Garcia a lot and I don't dislike Sam Neill's character as much as many other critics do, who've pegged him as overly curmugeonly and hostile to the little blonde girl cop. They need to get into the mythology a little and back off the procedural aspect - us Lost fans are missing some mystery.

Touch - I liked the preview episode but didn't love it. Things wrapped up a little too neatly at the end. I'm hoping Danny Glover gets a bigger role - and maybe reins in some of the crackpot - and I like Gugu Whatsername. Kiefer is sort of just playing Jack Bauer-lite, though, right? As if Jack had been a baggage handler instead of a world-class ass-kicker.

The Fades - BBC America sci-fi ghost story wherein lots of dead people aren't moving on after they die, and some of them are getting pissed off about it and eating people which makes them tangible and mean zombie-ghosts, and apparently they're going to take over the world unless a bunch of people with mystical powers can defeat them. And the apparent savior of the mystical power people is a geeky British teenager who's never had a date. Pretty scary in bits, gory too. Big exposition dump in the first couple of episodes so maybe things will move along/get a little more fun now.

Lost Girl - American SyFy Channel supernatural/urban fantasy show wherein the world is overrun by fey folk (altho' spelled "fae" in this show, I think) - all kinds too, like succubi and incubi and will-o-the-wisps and possibly werewolves and vampires and "doulihans" which are headless horsemen-assassins - who are divided into the Light and Dark Armies and always on the verge of fighting with each other, except for this one girl, a succubus (who is trying to learn how not to drain her sexual partners' life force but, dang, she's got a serious sex drive), who won't choose sides and is probably the savior who will unite the fae into one big happy family. I'm interested to see more varieties of the fae; and it's a fairly sexy show what with the succubus and all, so that's fun. The lead is not that charismatic (which I think is poor casting because she's supposed to be all irresistible) but her human sidekick is cute and feisty.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that The River will be good and am counting the days until The Walking Dead comes back. What are you guys watching?

Book review: The Heroes by Joe Abercrombie

2012-01-19T21:17:00.001-05:00

The Heroes, by Joe Abercrombie, is a magnificent high fantasy novel. Taking place over the course of about three rain- and blood-soaked days, the story covers the battle for the control of the North: Black Dow and his scruffy, scary War Chiefs hoping to gain some more ground to the south, and the well-armored, rich Union armies unwilling to let them encroach any further. There are three main characters - Bremer dan Gorst (Union), a disgraced but lethal fighter; Curnden Craw, the North's last honest man who just wants to retire; and clever "Prince" Calder, devious coward and world-class smirker - but the cast numbers in the thousands, most of whom get slaughtered. There are, I believe, exactly four women with speaking parts in this book - there's not a lot of room for women in this war.

And what a war! The Heroes is a brutal, bloody battle fantasy that is clear in its belief that there are no heroes in war, only lives wasted. There are no elves or unicorns in this fantasy novel; there's hardly any magic. What there is is battle. Abercrombie writes the most incredible, visceral and easily-pictured battle scenes I've ever read: I got the idea of reading the book in the first place from a mention in an A.V. Club article that posited that a scene with Gorst and Calder's brother meeting to fight on a bridge was one of the writer's favorite pop culture moment of the year. And yes, that scene very nearly lives up to the hype (although my favorite scene - discussed in this A.V. Club review - begins with one unknown, very minor character who gets killed after several pages and then the viewpoint switches to the guy who killed him, until that guy gets killed and the viewpoint switches to his killer, and on and on. In addition, this book is very funny: twisted, dark and British-dry. I laughed out loud several times. When's the last time that happened in a high fantasy novel (that wasn't written by Terry Pratchett)?

In case you couldn't tell, I really, really liked this one. The Heroes is my first Joe Abercrombie novel, but it won't be my last. I've already gotten Best Served Cold, his other stand-alone novel set in the land of The First Law trilogy (this time starring a girl!) and I can't wait to start it.

Mini movie review: Sherlock Holmes (2009)

2012-01-15T13:44:00.000-05:00

Quite frankly, after all the rave reviews I was expecting more out of Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes. It seemed a little over-long; it wasn't as clever or as funny as my favorite Ritchie films (Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch); I often couldn't understand what Robert Downey Jr. was saying in his British-accented mumbling; and it was slow in spots, which surprised me. The movie did stay true to some of Holmes's iconic traits - the disguises, the ahead-of-its-time forensic science, the inscrutable logic, the disheveled residence, the pipe-smoking and arrogant manner; it only alluded to his drug-use (being a PG-13 movie and all) by having Watson (Jude Law, pretty good here altho' much more manly and prone to fisticuffs than the original) look with disapproval over possible drug paraphernalia, as well as having Holmes wake up woozy on several occasions. The actual story doesn't matter all that much, but it involves possible black magic, secret societies and Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams, slightly annoying) playing a double agent in the employ of an unseen Moriarty.

I'll give it a rating of okay to middling good, I guess. On the plus side, Mr. Mouse did manage to stay awake for the entire 120 minutes of the movie, and that's saying something.

I am shocked, shocked, I tell you*

2012-01-12T01:05:00.001-05:00

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, word is that the U.S. is going to try to remake the wonderful British sci-fi hit, Misfits (available on Hulu) [link is to S2E4, a good one, but start from the beginning], because Americans never met a good foreign t.v./movie idea they didn't try to commandeer and ruin. Josh Schwartz, creator of Gossip Girl and Chuck, is said to be behind the spec pilot. Really? I am a closet GG fan (first couple of seasons anyway - I haven't been keeping up) and I like Chuck as much as the next person who casually likes Chuck, but I don't think Josh Schwartz is the man for the job. Pluswhich, a large part of Misfits' not inconsiderable charm is its vigorous and unabashed profanity and violence - which would have to be watered down to thin gruel to make it on American network television (see above re: ruin). Bad idea, bad bad idea. Leave my Misfits alone.

Updated - here's the S1 trailer at least:

* that's my sarcastic voice, btw

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (IV)

2012-01-07T16:36:00.001-05:00

This is the last superhero movie for a little while, I promise. X-Men: First Class. Here's the thing: when this came out, in June 2011, everyone was all "Ooooooh! It's a good X-Men movie!" But then we got to see Captain America, and we'd already seen Thor and IM2, and I just don't think XM:FC holds up. Despite the strong cast (Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmichael Fassbender), and the sleek retro-60s setting, it's too origin-y, jumping around the world for little short scenes and never giving the audience much time to connect with anyone. Yes, it was TONS better than the more recent X-Men fare - and I loved the Wolverine cameo, with the one f-bomb of the whole movie - but I'm thinking the Avengers line is stronger.

if fassbender was

really in charge i'd go with

magneto for sure

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (III)

2012-01-02T09:30:00.000-05:00

Wow - Captain America: The First Avenger is really quite good. Not only is it a decent movie in its own right (not just good for a comic book movie) but it's a solid origin tale too, showing us how Cap came to be but not getting bogged down in the mythology and giving our hero something to actually do, not just come to be. However, as much as I liked the movie - and I think it is for sure the best of the three pre-Avenger flicks I've recently seen - I think I find the superhero at the center of the movie to be the least fun. Steve Rogers is basically the anti-Tony Stark: innocent, decent, focused, ultra-patriotic, altruistic, stolid, non-ironic, non-sarcastic and with very little sense of humor. He's a good man, sure, but he's not so much a fun man. I get that they can't all be quipping wiseasses (it would be exhausting if they were) but I find Captain America just a bit boring - and I can't imagine that he and Iron Man are going to be BFFs in the upcoming Avengers flick.

his shield a beacon

all-american hero

can he tell a joke?

Book review: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

2011-12-30T01:06:00.001-05:00

In Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus, the circus arrives without warning, popping up in fields outside of towns and cities with no advance notice. The tents are all striped black and white; the ground is painted black and white swirls; a wrought-iron fence encloses the grounds. The circus is only open from sunset to sunrise - no exceptions - and nothing can be seen stirring behind the fence during the daylight hours. But when dusk comes, the lights come up, making the tents glow and gleam, and the iron gates swing wide. Le Cirque des Reves - the Circus of Dreams - is open. It is a wonder, this Circus. Every tent, every costume, every attraction is dressed only in shades of black and white. There are contortionists, fortune tellers, carnival food booths, black panthers and snow leopards, aerialists and tumblers, mazes, rides, wondrously constructed clockworks. The townfolk who come to the Circus are amazed and awestruck, and many come back again and again.

The Circus is not just entertainment, however. It is also the battleground between two magicians who have been set against each other by their mentors, who themselves are ancient competitors. Pretty Celia is the Circus's resident illusionist; overflowing with natural talent, her particular skill is manipulating inanimate objects - honed when, as a child, her father sliced open her fingertips over and over again, forcing her to learn to heal herself quickly. Marco's magic has been studied and learned: his patron plucked him from an orphanage and isolated him with nothing but books for company. He is strong in compulsion and visual illusion and now helps to manage the day-to-day operations of the Circus. At first Celia and Marco do not know the other to be their opponent but after a few meetings figure it out. A few meetings after that, they fall in love with each other, much to their patrons' chagrin - which only complicates things when they learn that this magical duel they have been bound to will result in the death of one of them. What makes it even worse is that their fates are inextricably linked with the Circus and all its members.

I struggled a little bit at first with The Night Circus. The novel keeps the reader at a distance, partly because it is set 1873-1903, partly because it is written in the third person/present tense, partly because the chapters skip around in the timeline and it can be difficult to keep track of what has happened, partly because the author maintains a fair amount of reserve and doesn't delve too deeply into her characters' heads. But I warmed to it, in large part because the descriptions of the circus are charming and because I wanted to believe in a magical circus - I would love to see Le Cirque des Reves. In The Night Circus, magic is real.

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (II)

2011-12-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

As you can see, I'm trying to work my way through the back catalog before Joss Whedon's The Avengers comes out, whenever that is. So I watched Thor the other night:

sweet well-muscled oaf

ride the Rainbow Bridge 'cuz I

can do CPR

Am I on a roll or what?

Mini movie review: Horrible Bosses

2011-12-24T10:30:00.000-05:00

As you know, I am constantly looking for movies that both Mr. Mouse and I enjoy. And by "constantly" I mean "every now and again when Mr. Mouse demands that I rent something other than horror or fantasy or science fiction." I know that he likes dumb comedies, like 40 Year Old Virgin, Anchorman and The Hangover; I know he likes 90 minute movies; and I also know that he likes Jennifer Aniston. So I got us Horrible Bosses, which pretty much hits all three categories.

The plot is not particularly complicated. Three friends - Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day - are plagued by evil, nasty, horrible bosses at their respective jobs. After all but promising Bateman a promotion, and subjecting him to terrible head games, Kevin Spacey snatches said promotion away at the last minute, pocketing the money and humiliating him in front of the company. When the affable owner of the chemical company at which Sudeikis works dies, his idiot cokehead son, Colin Farrell in a prosthetic comb-over, takes over, threatening to run the company into the ground and liquidate all its assets to fund his various vices. Dental assistant Day is subjected to overt sexual harassment by his hot and horny dentist boss, Jennifer Aniston; his friends don't think he has much of a problem really, because they've seen what she looks like, but her behavior is pretty appalling. When the guys have had all they can take, they hire ex-con Jamie Foxx to teach them how to kill the bosses.

The best part of this movie is the bosses, each actor chewing the scenery like crazy and clearly enjoying themselves. Farrell, who gets the least screen time, is pretty funny - ignorant, brash, homely as hell. Aniston is fun too: talking wicked dirty and cussing up a storm, getting nearly (but not quite) naked. I think Mr. Mouse enjoyed her scenes. I found Charlie Day's character extremely funny for some reason, although I don't usually like such shrill performances. I don't know if it was the lines or his delivery, but he made me laugh out loud quite a lot; I may have to check out Always Sunny in Philadelphia to see if he holds up.

Horrible Bosses is not fantastic cinema, but it's short (97 minutes) and entertaining enough. You could certainly do worse, if you're in the mood for a dumb R-rated comedy.

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime

2011-12-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

I finished up preparing for Christmas last weekend - tree up and lit, presents wrapped and sent, card signed and mailed, cookies baked - and I'm feeling so happy about being done with it all that I cannot be bothered to put together a Christmasy post this year. What I can do, however, is link to winter holiday-themed past posts and invite you to browse, if you are so inclined.

Christmas Spirits
New Christmas Cookie Recipe
More Cookie Recipes
Dog Cookie Recipes (because I always make homemade dog biscuits for Xmas)

There. Ho ho ho, y'all!

Bad Haiku about: Superhero Movies (I)

2011-12-18T20:10:00.002-05:00

Whoa - how'd that week get away from me? I fully intended to post something sooner and instead I went and neglected this poor little blog. Sorry!

In any event, it's time to start a new series (or mini-series, depends on how many I manage to do - for example, haven't gotten very far with my Read It Watch It Watch It Again project) called Bad Haiku about: [some subject]. In this case, it's about a superhero movie, Iron Man 2. I'm doing this because I recently watched IM2 and really should do a post about it, since that's what this blog is all about, but I don't have much to say about it pluswhich everyone in the world has already watched the dang movie and what do I really have to say that's new? Nothing but bad haiku, that's what.

frantic and busy

not as good as the first one

liked Mickey's whips tho'

That's some good stuff right there.

Book review: Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

2011-12-11T18:58:00.001-05:00

In 2044, humans have pretty much murdered the Earth. Nearly all the fossil fuel has been depleted, leading to a serious energy crisis; the environment is shot to hell what with climate change, people are starving, plants and animals are dying off in record numbers, the seas are rising. It's a crappy world outside and so most people, if they've got the means, spent most of their time in the OASIS - a massive virtual reality program. School is taught there, people's jobs (if they have them) are there, and in your free time you can live and game in limitless scenarios. The guy who created OASIS, James Halliday, was an eccentric genius, obsessed with the 1980s. When Halliday died without heirs, he launched a game, hiding an Easter egg in a series of complex puzzles located throughout the OASIS. The person who finds the Easter egg gets all of Halliday's money.

Wade Watts, Ready Player One's narrator, avatar name: Parzival, is one of tens of thousands of gunters ("egg-hunters") who are obsessed with the quest. He and his online friends - no one ever meets each other in real life, because real life is too depressing - have spent years delving into '80s pop culture trivia: movies, music, arcade games, video games, RPGs. But when Parzival unexpectedly finds and solves the first puzzle, the game is on like Donkey Kong and it's a race to the finish. Not everyone will make it, either: a powerful corporation has hired hundreds and hundreds of gunters whose only job is to find the egg, and they will stop at nothing - not even murder - to reach the prize first.

Ready Player One is written by Ernest Cline, screenwriter of Fanboys, the 2009 movie about Star Wars fanatics. Cline clearly knows his 1980s pop culture as this first novel of his is stuffed to the gills. I grew up in the 80s so I recognized a lot of the references, although since I am not nor have ever been a gamer I missed a lot of those. At first the 80s overload seems a little forced, like Cline is just listing stuff to prove how much he knows. But as the novel progresses, the info-dump becomes more organic. It's a fun little book, nothing too strenuous, a combination quest/coming-of-age tale flavored with just enough science fiction and fantasy. I did feel like it was written to be made into a movie but I can't imagine trying to secure the rights to all the books, music, movies, games, etc., dropped into the story.

Current state of affairs

2011-12-08T23:08:00.001-05:00

Oh, yes, it's the midseason slump here at ol' FMS. The only current show I'm recapping is on break for the holidays. I've got two DVDs waiting for me to watch them, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm reading Ready Player One and am close to finishing, so that'll be a post soon enough. So, yeah, kinda slow around the little blog.

In other television thoughts: Mr. Mouse and I are just shaking our heads at the thought of Community going on hiatus - that show is so brilliant, so funny, so spot-on so much (like that fanTASTIC Glee parody tonight) ... I guess it's just too smart for too many people. (Much like late, lamented Arrested Development and Better Off Ted.) American Horror Story is definitely NOT too smart for most people; I haven't seen the latest episode yet (altho I got spoiled for the reveal about Violet - thanks, Google entertainment news blurbs) but it is just a hot mess that doesn't know WTF it wants to be. Both Mr. Mouse and I are watching Hell on Wheels and while it has its occasional moments - when Bohannon woke up to a chicken staring at him, f'rinstance - mostly it reminds me how much it is not Deadwood. I'm keeping up with Grimm and Once Upon a Time too, because I love fairy tales and I keep hoping that the writers/showrunners for those shows who used to work for Buffy will get their acts together. And on it goes.

Tell me, what are you watching these days? (Yes, Joe, I know I have to go back and finish T:TSCC S2, but that seems like more of a summer show to me.)

Mini movie review: Red State

2011-12-04T18:02:00.001-05:00

I would call myself a casual Kevin Smith fan. I love Clerks and Dogma; I like Mallrats, Chasing Amy and Zack and Miri Make a Porno; I don't much care for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back or Clerks II, and didn't bother to see Jersey Girl.

Red State, the little horror/thriller that debuted at Sundance last year is a departure for Smith: a new genre for him and a movie that is not super-saturated with self-consciously clever dialogue. Three teenagers, out looking to raise some hell, run afoul of an extremist fundamentalist Christian preacher and his cult/family. The preacher is scary as hell: eloquent, charismatic and madder than a hatter. We are told that a neo-nazi group gave a recent statement clarifying that they have no affiliation with this guy - when the neo-nazis are nervous, you know it's bad news. The ATF gets involved and the situation quickly (the whole movie is only about 88 minutes long) disintegrates into a friggin' bloodbath, because the crazy religious folk have got themselves a whole bunch of machine guns.

The cast is way impressive: John Goodman, Melissa Leo, Anna Gunn and Matt L. Jones ("Skylar" and "Badger" from Breaking Bad), Michael Angarano (Sky High), Kyle Gallner (Veronica Mars and Jennifer's Body), Stephen Root (News Radio and True Blood), Kevin Pollack,Kevin Alejandro ("Jesus" from True Blood), Mark Blucas ("Riley" from BtVS), Patrick Fischler (most recently from Grimm). The preacher is awesomely played by Michael Parks, whom I didn't recognize but who has a fairly long works list on imdb.com.

I'd rank Red State up there in my "like" category. Part of that is because the subject matter is just not pleasant enough for me to want to watch over and over again, like Clerks and Dogma. But it's a tight, fast-moving, disturbing, bloody, well-acted little movie that surprised me - good job, Kevin.

The Walking Dead S2E7 "Pretty Much Dead Already" (11/27/11)

2011-11-29T00:10:00.001-05:00

The group of survivors is having breakfast out at their tent site. Maggie catches Glen's eye from the farmhouse porch and shakes her head; Dale catches his eye and nods. Glen speaks to the gang: "The barn's full of walkers." Everyone but Dale: WTF?!!? Then they all go out to the barn and peek in through the gaps in the barn siding. Shane is like, it's easy - we make this right or we leave this place. Carol protests, not wanting to leave until Sophia is found. Darryl backs Carol up, saying he's sure they're close to finding the girl. Everyone starts shouting while Rick says wait, let me talk to Herschel about this. Dale says he already talked to Herschel and it won't do much good. Everyone starts shouting again and the noise and the live peoples' proximity get the barn zombies all riled up.

Later, Shane circles the barn, looking either for a way for him to get in or for the zombies to get out. This riles the barn zombies up some more. Glen tries to talk to Maggie but she's mad at him for bringing his group up to speed, because now her dad is totally going to kick them out. Darryl goes out to the horse barn to saddle up another mount to continue the Sophia-search. Carol follows him out there and tells him to not go until he's healed more: she doesn't think they'll find her daughter and she doesn't want to lose Darryl too. Instead of making Darryl feel good that someone cares about him, he gets pissed that she's giving up, calls her a stupid bitch and stomps off. He's obviously using finding Sophia as a means to assuage his guilt over losing Meryl.

Dale tries to talk to Andrea about her burgeoning relationship with Shane, whom he doesn't trust. She asks him to stop trying to protect her but she's gentle about it. After she leaves the RV, Dale starts fussing with the big bag of guns. He looks troubled and like he's up to something.

Rick tries to talk to Herschel, but the old veterinarian doesn't want to talk about the "really sick people" he's got in his barn. When Rick presses the issue, Herschel tells him that his group has to be gone by the end of the week. Rick protests that if he kicks them out, it could mean death for many of his group - Herschel was never out in the new world, he only saw what was shown on t.v. He begs Herschel to let them stay: "We can't go back out there!"

When Rick comes out of the farmhouse, Shane pounces, saying that they either kill all the barn zombies or they get the hell out of here. Rick finally tells him that they can't leave because Lori is pregnant. Shane pauses, then says okay, but we should be allowed to carry our guns here on the farm. Rick agrees with him but doesn't want to anger Herschel during their "negotiations." Inside, Maggie is mad at her father, quoting some relevant scripture when he protests that Rick's people are not his responsibility. They are interrupted when Jimmy runs in to tell Herschel that "it's happened again." Herschel heads outside and asks Rick if he will help him.

OMIGOD WILL THESE PEOPLE EVER STOP TALKING? I read an article about this show calling it "The Talking Dead" and jeezum, that's about right. Shane goes to find Lori and basically tries to convince her that he's a better man for this world than Rick is, Rick isn't tough enough and can't make the hard decisions, Shane has saved Lori's life more than Rick has ... and he knows that she's pregnant and he thinks the baby is his. Lori's like, no, it's not yours, it's never going to be your and even if it is yours, it isn't yours, and nothing you can do will change that. Shane: "I don't need to." Ooh, that was vaguely threatening. He stomps off to the RV, looking for his big bag of guns. But Dale has taken them.

You have got to be kidding me: what Herschel needs help with is rescuing two walkers who have gotten themselves stuck in some quicksand-like mud. He tells Rick that if he's going to stay on the farm, he's going to have to get used to treating walkers like very sick people. Then he hands Rick a long pole with a noose on the end - like you'd use for an aggressive dog - and they haul the zombies out of the mud, leading them back towards the barn.

Darryl takes Carol out to a creek where he's found more of those Cherokee roses. He apologizes for his behavior earlier - he just wants to find Sophia. Shane has tracked Dale down out in a swamp and demands the guns back. Dale tells him no, and he'll shoot him if he has too. Shane calls his bluff and of course Dale doesn't shoot him. He gives the guns back to Shane, saying that this shitty new world is exactly where Shane belongs. Maggie and Glen make up and smooch. That probably means she'll get killed off soon. Which would be sad but seriously? Someone needs to die because this is all b o r i n g. The stakes need to be raised a bit.

Most of the gang regroups on the farmhouse porch. Shane storms up and starts handing out guns. He's decided that it's time to clean out the barn since Rick won't do it. Then they all see Rick, Herschel and Jimmy bringing the two muddy walkers out of the woods. Oh hell no, screams Shane, furious. They all run over to the dooryard of the barn, circling Herschel, Rick and the leashed walkers. Shane starts ranting about how these aren't living people, because living people couldn't take this: he shoots a bunch of bullets into one of the walker's torsos. Then he puts one in her skull, dropping her. Herschel falls to his knees, shocked, horrified, powerless.

Shane runs to the barn and busts open the doors. Rick shrieks at Herschel to take the leash of his walker so he can stop Shane but Herschel just mutters and stares. The barn zombies pour out of the barn. Shane, Andrea, Darryl and T-Dog line up and start shooting. Glen looks at Maggie and she gives him a terrified, tearful nod and he joins the firing squad. It's a slaughter. It's long overdue, in my opinion, but it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Our survivors are grim and scared, Herschel's people are simply overwhelmed and cringing.

Then, just when you think all the barn zombies have been killed, Zombie Sophia lurches out of the barn. Carol screams and tries to run to her but Darryl tackles her and holds on tight. Andrea sobs; Carl and Lori sob. No one can shoot her, not even big-talker Shane - all they can do is watch her stagger closer. Until Rick, the guy everyone thought couldn't make the hard decisions, steps up and puts poor little Sophia down. Who's weak now, Shane?

Okay, the last five minutes was super-cool but it was a long time coming. Pluswhich the emotional payoff is meh: I just don't care that much about Sophia because we didn't really get to know her and she was disappeared for too long. They need to kill off someone we've connected with. But not Darryl - I kinda lurve Darryl.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

Mini movie review: Black Swan

2011-11-25T19:06:00.001-05:00

Is there really anything left to say about Black Swan? I mean, everyone - EVERYONE - was talking about it last year when it came out, and Natalie Portman won an Oscar for her role as the delicate ballerina ~~slowly~~ quickly driven mad by her quest for perfection as the White Swan/Black Swan lead in Swan Lake. Since I knew I wouldn't see the movie until it came out on DVD, and then I knew I wouldn't see the movie until we got a decent television, I ended up reading far too many reviews and critiques beforehand, although I suppose it's not like I really got spoiled for anything. And as I was watching the film, I felt distracted, mostly by what I'd read about real ballerinas critiquing the film: Portman's poor arm movement, the fact that no company director would act like Vincent Cassell did.

But after the movie was over, the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. It was beautiful, not overwhelming in terms of plot but not boring. Portman was fantastic and so was Mila Kunis, who was dead sexy. I did get a not-what-the-director-planned chuckle when Cassell's character asked the character played by Benjamin Millipied, the lead male dancer, if he would ever sleep with Portman's character Nina (no, was the answer) - when in real life Portman and Millipied are having/have had a baby together. But far and away the scariest part of this movie, far more disturbing than Portman's descent into madness, real or hallucinated, was Barbara Hershey's character, Nina's mother, herself a failed ballerina who had to leave dance to raise her daughter as a single mom. Hershey was twisted and intense, scarily abusing her poor tender waif of a daughter both physically and emotionally, all in the name of love. Scary stuff, that.

The Walking Dead S2E6 "Secrets" (11/20/11)

2011-11-22T01:20:00.001-05:00

It's morning at Herschel's farm and the routine poultry chores are being done: tossing grain out for the hens, gathering eggs, feeding the barn-zombies with crippled chickens. You know, regular farm stuff.

Glen can't stop staring at the barn. Maggie asks him to please keep quiet even though he tells her that he sucks at keeping secrets. Then he goes and pleads with Lori to take better care of herself, now that she's with child and all, and for God's sake, tell Rick what's going on. She too tells him to please keep quiet. Andrea stops by Darryl's tent and apologizes for the umpteenth time for shooting him in the head. He says it's okay, she was just protecting the group, but next time she shoots him she better actually kill him. Rick and Shane muse over the maps, planning out the next Sophia-search - perhaps north, in a housing development. Carl is acting out a little bit - taking a gun from Dale's RV and asking Shane to teach him to shoot. Lori doesn't like it but Rick thinks it wouldn't be a terrible idea and she finally relents. Most of the group heads off to the fields for a shooting lesson, including several of Herschel's people. Since Otis was the only one handy with a gun, the patriarch realizes that his people need to know how to protect themselves. After a few rounds, Andrea is proving a crack shot.

When the gang has gone, Glen can't stand it any longer and spills his guts (not literally) to Dale. A little later, Dale approaches Herschel and tells him that he heard the moans coming from the barn when he was out taking a walk. Herschel seems to think the zombies are still people - his wife and stepson are in that barn - and doesn't want to kill them. He tells Dale that the barn is plenty secure and asks him to please keep this to himself - some of the other folks in Dale's group might not exercise such restraint.

Lori finds Herschel out mending fences (literally) and thanks him again for saving Carl's life. When she says that her group can earn their keep, Herschel is like, yeah, well, I imagine now that Carl's better you'll be moving on - Fort Benning, wasn't it? She stares at him for a moment and then stalks off to find Rick. She's very upset at the thought of having to leave this sanctuary with its shelter and water and medical supplies - and Rick promises that he's trying to get Herschel to reconsider.

Andrea and Shane stay late for advanced shooting practice. He yells at her, goading her, trying to get her to keep her focus while under stress. But he goes too far ("Imagine that's the walker that killed Amy!") and she stomps off. He chases after her and apologizes, then asks her to come with him as back-up when he goes out Sophia-searching. Andrea is slightly appeased and agrees to go.

Dale is cooking burgers and musing about the barn-walkers, but is not too preoccupied to notice Lori getting nauseated by the smell of the cooking meat. She ends up pouring her heart out to him, trying to explain why she hooked up with Shane when she thought Rick was dead, and how scared she is to bring a baby into this horrible new world. Dale doesn't judge, just lets her let it out. I like Dale. Lori then goes to Glen and apologizes for putting him in that uncomfortable situation. He says it's okay, and can he bring her anything from town? Yes, yes he can.

Maggie rides into town with him, still pissed about him telling Dale about the barn-zombies. He tells her that she's been isolated and if she'd seen Atlanta, she wouldn't be okay with keeping the walkers in the barn. When they get to the pharmacy, she goes into the back for Lori's medications. The camera is tight on her face so I know it's coming, but I still jump when the zombie grabs her arm. She screams and Glen runs to the back. He whacks the zombie in the head with a shelf, which breaks the thing's neck but doesn't kill it, so he has to smash its skull in. Miraculously, he gets no blood on himself at all. Which is good because Maggie is a freaking mess, grabbing him and sobbing.

When they return to the farm, Maggie gets in Lori's face, barking that they are not her errand boys and throwing her supplies in her face: "Here are your abortion pills!" Glen goggles at Lori then runs after Maggie. She's still so freaked out and tells him that she likes him, he's smart and brave and a leader, but his friends just use him as walker bait and she can't take losing him like that after she's lost so many other people.

Shane and Andrea go to the housing development and start to search each house, calling out for Sophia and/or survivors. They find nothing but carnage and corpses ... and a bunch of lively zombies. At first Andrea is not such a crack shot with moving, moaning, drooling targets. Then she focuses and starts dropping them one after another. Shane has to beg her to get back into the car. On the drive back to the farm, Andrea is still all het up and she reaches across and grabs ahold of Shane's crotch, rubbing and squeezing gently. He grins at her, she smirks at him and he stops the car in the middle of the road. "Come on then," he says.

Glen goes back to talk to Lori. He tells her that yes, it was a close call at the pharmacy but they're okay. He asks if the morning-after pills will work and she replies that she doesn't even know if she wants them too. He hands her another bottle of pills that he picked up for her in case her decision goes the other way: prenatal vitamins. He also tells her that she shouldn't be trying to make this decision alone. Later, Lori is crying in her tent. She takes the morning-after pills, washing them down with water, then runs out into the woods and sticks her finger down her throat, horking up the pills. Guess she just made her choice.

When Shane and Andrea get back to the farm, Dale immediately picks up on the post-sex vibes and gets protective. He tells Shane that maybe he should leave the group: he doesn't trust him, he's not convinced of his Otis story, and he remembers that time Shane thought about shooting Rick. Shane is pissed and tells Dale that if he thinks Shane's the kind of man who would shoot his BFF, maybe he should worry about what he might do to a guy he doesn't even like. Dale looks a little shaken after this discussion.

When Rick stops by his and Lori's tent, he sees the empty morning-after pill packets. He finds his wife out in one of the fields and asks her if she's got something to tell him. "We can't leave because I'm pregnant." Rick is wild that not only was she making the decision about the baby without him, she wouldn't even tell him she was pregnant in the first place. "I can't live like this - is there anything else I don't know?" Lori totally mans up and says, "Shane and I ..." but Rick cuts her off, "I know, of course I know. You thought I was dead. The world went to shit and you thought I was dead, right?" Lori can only nod, tears streaking her face.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

Joe vs. The Walking Dead, part 2

2011-11-18T23:28:00.001-05:00

More Facebook conversations between Joe and me:

Joe: How the hell do you keep a barnfull of walkers under wraps for that long?

FM: Exactly! Like none of Rick's group noticed that the barn was locked up? (Of course, Rick's gang is a pretty stupid group of individuals - Herschel was correct in that it's a miracle they have for survived for so long.) And I'm thinking a herd of trapped walkers makes noises - moaning, groaning, what have you - that would be heard out in the quiet country nighttime. But why do you think he's got them locked up? Are they family members/loved ones whom he can't bear to kill? Or are they for some other nefarious purpose?

Joe: It was mentioned that Herschel wanted to deal with the walkers, presumably because he had some issues with violence [Ed.: like not letting his people carry guns]. He probably isn't working on a cure - maybe it's some kind of zombie dog-fighting ring.

FM: *crosses fingers*

The Walking Dead S2E5 "Chupacabra" (11/13/11)

2011-11-15T01:19:00.001-05:00

Dream sequence: the traffic jam, with our survivors plus many of their lost loved ones, plus oodles and oodles of other people. Helicopters fly overhead and Lori is there with Shane - Rick died in the hospital. Shane and Lori are worried because the Refugee Center, to which all these folks are headed, has suddenly stopped broadcasting on the radio. They hear gunfire in the distance and are horrified to see the helicopters dropping napalm on the center. Lori cries and clutches Shane. Come on - this show moves slowly enough that we don't need extended dream/alternative reality sequences to bulk it up.

It was a dream since Lori wakes up at Herschel's farm. Whatshername Sophia's mom suggests that maybe the survivors could make dinner for Herschel's family as a thank you for their hospitality. Rick comes out with new search grids for everyone. One of Herschel's group, some kid I don't recall seeing before, wants to help even though he doesn't know how to shoot a gun. Darryl thinks he'll borrow one of the farm's horses in order to cover more ground. Up on the farmhouse porch, Glen tells Maggie that they've got another eleven condoms left. Maggie: "I don't even know if I like you." Glen: "But you're thinking about it, right?"

Out in the woods on their search, Rick manages to get a morose Shane talking, teasing him about all the girls he done slept with in high school. They banter and laugh a bit until Shane gets melancholy about all those folks, that time, lost forever. They walk and talk, walk and talk. Shane thinks they should cut their losses and give up the search for Sophia: they're putting themselves in danger, looking for a girl who's likely already dead. "If we'd just moved on, we'd be halfway to Ft. Bend by now, Carl wouldn't have got shot. Otis would still be alive." Rick insists that he's not giving up.

Darryl rides Herschel's horse, shootin' squirrels with his crossbow. He sees Sophia's doll down by the creek and goes to investigate. I wish he wasn't out here by himself. He calls for Sophia but gets no answer, so remounts the horse and rides on. The dang horse shies at a snake, tossing Darryl. The horse bolts into the woods and Darryl falls down a big cliff back into the creek, somehow managing to impale himself with one of his arrows.

He climbs out of the creek and secures the arrow by tying a strip of his shirt around his chest. God, he's got lovely strong arms. He hears some noises in the bushes and has to search for his crossbow, sunk in the creek. The quiver seems to be lost. He drags himself up the banking to the ridge, admonishing himself not to be a pussy. Then he slips and falls back down again.

Rick and Shane return to the farm, both in a snit. Lori asks what's wrong and Rick tells her that Shane thinks he's weak for endangering them with this search for Sophia. She tells him that he's making the best decisions he can with the information he has - nothing weak about that. Herschel then wants a word with him: Darryl took that horse without asking and Jimmy, that kid who joined the search, did not have Herschel's permission to do so. Rick says they'll need to work on communicating with each other. Herschel snaps that they should each work on controlling their own groups.

Darryl, having hit his head, is hallucinating his big brother Meryl looming over him. Meryl says he's going to die out here and it'd serve him right, having left his own kin behind. He accuses Darryl of being Rick's bitch - "they're laughing at you behind your back, you know that, dontcha? They're not your kin. If you had any nuts in that sack of yours, you'd go back there and shoot your pal Rick in the face for me." Darryl rouses from his hallucination in time to catch a zombie trying to gnaw through his boot. He beats its face in with a stick, then pulls the arrow out of his midsection, loading it into the crossbow just in time to shoot a second zombie lurching out of the woods at him. Damn, I hope that first zombie didn't get a tooth into him.

After the commercials, Darryl bandages his wound as best he can. "That sumbitch was right," he mutters before cutting into his dead squirrel and eating it raw, blood smearing over his chin. Then he cuts the ears of the zombies and strings them around his neck. Ick. He struggles to climb back up the banking and Meryl reappears to taunt him some more, goading him enough to reach the top.

Herschel looks into the kitchen and is pissed that Maggie said the survivors could make dinner for everyone. "We need to set some boundaries with these people," he tells her, "Don't get close to them - they're not going to be around forever."

From her perch atop the RV, Andrea spots someone lurching out of the woods across the field. She shouts "Walker!" and wants to shoot it, but Rick, Shane and T-Dog sprint across the field with machetes to meet the zombie face to face. It's Darryl - and he looks awful, bloody and staggering. They can't tell if he's been turned until he snarls, "It's about time you pointed that damn [gun] at my head." Relieved, they stand down ... but Andrea can't tell what's going on at that distance and she shoots. Darryl goes down, hard. Rick screams, "No!"

She didn't hit him straight, however, only grazed him. Herschel comes out, pissed at the ruckus everyone is making. Rick quickly pulls the string of ears off Darryl's neck before their host can see it. T-Dog holds up the doll Darryl found, recognizing it as Sophia's. Back in the farmhouse, Herschel grudgingly patches Darryl up, bitching about his lost horse and how fast they're going through antibiotics. "It's a wonder you people have survived this long."

Once again, Shane thinks they need to stop searching: Darryl nearly died for a doll - and Rick stomps off. Shane looks at Lori, saying that he's sorry but someone needs to make the hard decisions in the group. She gently tells him that the easy thing to do would be to cut their losses - the really hard decision is to stay and help other people. Outside, Andrea frets about having shot Darryl. "Don't be too hard on yourself," says Dale, "We've all wanted to shoot Darryl at one time or another."

Dinner with the group is a strained affair, Herschel clearly disapproving. Sophia's mom takes a plate up to the recuperating Darryl. She gives him a kiss on the forehead, saying that he did more for Sophia today than her own daddy ever did his whole life. Maggie and Glen pass notes to each other under the table, planning an assignation for later. But Maggie doesn't read the rendezvous location until later and is frightened when she reads Glen's suggestion that they do it in the hayloft. She sprints to the barn. Glen has gotten there ahead of her and is horrified to see that Herschel has imprisoned a bunch of live zombies in the locked barn. "You weren't supposed to see this," gasps Maggie.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

Hodgepodge

2011-11-13T19:52:00.001-05:00

I've watched some stuff lately, none of which has compelled me enough to write a full post about but I thought I'd just throw something up here for the hell of it.

Bridesmaids - Since Mr. Mouse was long-suffering all through October with my horror movies, Bridesmaids was my first conciliatory attempt at a movie we both might like. Meh. Neither of us found it as funny as we had been led to believe, although I think giving yellow Lab puppies as bridal shower party favors is an excellent idea.

Dinner for Schmucks - This was my second attempt and, well, strike two. We both like Paul Rudd a lot and think Zach Galifikianwhatsisname was the best part of The Hangover (and I keep meaning to watch Between Two Ferns because he's supposed to be great in that), and Mr. Mouse is a big U.S. Office fan, plus it was nice to see some Flight of the Conchords folks getting some work. We chuckled aloud several times but mostly I thought it was pretty dumb. Also, Ron Livingston has all of a sudden gotten old.

Hell on Wheels - We watched the pilot last week and while it certainly isn't breaking any new ground, we liked it enough to keep it in the queue. It sure did remind us of how much we miss Deadwood, however.

Skins - I'm up to series 4 of the U.K. version on Hulu and am still enjoying the hell out of it. The first two seasons/series were in general stronger than 3 and 4, I think - less sensational (I wasn't really buying the whole Effie hit Katie upside the head with a rock and left her to die in the woods bit) - but I'm finally warming up to the new characters, even Cook, who makes poor doomed Chris from 1 and 2 look like a choir boy.

Girl panic!

2011-11-09T20:47:00.001-05:00

I am a longtime Duran Duran fan, from way back in the earliest of the '80s and I am super-thrilled to see the boys back in very fine form in this long-form music video for their song, "Girl Panic." The sound recalls their glory days and the video stars supermodels, of course - with Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford and Helena Christensen playing Simon, John and Roger. For the record, Cindy is smokin' hot here and Naomi doesn't look to have aged a day in the last couple of decades. Watch it - enjoy!

The Walking Dead S2E4 "Cherokee Rose" (11/6/11)

2011-11-08T01:28:00.002-05:00

Everyone finally reconvenes at Herschel's farmhouse: Darryl, Dale and Carol drive up in the gang's vehicles; Carl wakes up, asking if Sophia is okay. They do a memorial service for Otis, piling up a big cairn of rocks. Herschel asks Shane to say a few words, seeing how he was with Otis when he died. Shane doesn't want to because, you know, he's the one who killed Otis, but he does, lying about how Otis gave him his backpack and told him to run ahead while he (Otis) covered Shane's back. Everyone seems to buy the story, except maybe Dale who possibly looks disbelieving but may in fact just be shocked at the tale of Otis's self sacrifice.

Afterwards, the gang wants to grid the area using Herschel's maps and do a proper search for Sophia, but Herschel tells Rick and Shane that they're not to go hiking around in the heat what with their respective being down three units of blood and having a sprained ankle. Darryl is feeling fidgety and goes off to search on his own. The farmhouse is running short on antibiotics and other medical supplies, so Maggie says she'll do a run to a nearby pharmacy and Rick volunteers Glen to go with her. In the meantime, Herschel says that he's not comfortable with the gang packing heat all over his property and Rick says his group will lay aside their weapons for the duration. Andrea is not at all happy about this, so Shane distracts her by showing her how to clean her gun. Herschel takes Rick aside and tells him that once Carl is fit to travel, he expects Rick to take his people and leave the farm. Rick looks gobsmacked.

Dale and T-Dog go to one of the farm's five wells to fill some water jugs and they find a swollen, waterlogged zombie splashing around down in the well. It is a particularly loathesome specimen. They don't want to shoot it because its blood and/or brains could contaminate the well, so they try to lure it into a noose using a canned ham on a string. The zombie isn't interested in the canned ham - because as T-Dog points out, canned hams don't kick and scream - and Andrea mutters that they'll need to use live bait. Everyone looks at Glen. They tie him to a rope and lower him down so he can try to get the noose over the zombie, who perks up considerably with real food dangling overhead. The rope slips and Glen drops, screaming. They catch hold of the rope (they being Shane, Lori, Dale, T-Dog, Andrea and Maggie, and maybe Carol too) and pull poor Glen out before he gets bitten. "Back to the drawing board," groans Dale but Glen tells him to speak for himself and hands him the other rope. The lassoed zombie thrashes around on the other end. They pull the zombie up out of the well, slowly, because it is really fat. It gets caught at the lip of the well though and when they pull harder, they wind up ripping the damn thing right in half. TOTALLY GROSS. Blood and guts pour out and the bottom half of the zombie ends up falling back down into the well. Oops. T-Dog beats the half-zombie's head in, causing Maggie to turn away in disgust since she's never seen one killed so close before - but the rest of the gang just watches dispassionately. Dale muses that they should probably just seal up this well so no one drinks from it.

Darryl finds an old abandoned house and checks it out. He doesn't find anyone inside, but he does find a recently eaten sardine tin and what looks like a little nest of blankets in a cupboard. He goes outside, calling for Sophia, only pausing when he sees a wild white rose at the edge of the yard. Meanwhile, Shane, Carol and Andrea go back to the highway to see if Sophia has picked up any of the supplies they left for her (she hasn't - is this lost little girl storyline almost done?) and then go off for some target practice. Shane ends up talking a little too much and it looks as though Andrea is able to read between the lines and figure out that Otis's death maybe wasn't so much a self-sacrifice as just a sacrifice.

Maggie and Glen ride the farm's horses to the pharmacy. While she heads into the back, looking for antibiotics, he goes to the feminine hygiene section and picks up a pregnancy test which Lori asked him to get for her - discreetly. Maggie surprises him and he grabs a package of condoms to cover for why he's in that aisle. She teases him, saying that he's pretty confident, and he stammers and stutters, totally out of his depth, until she tells him that she'll have sex with him - she's lonely too. They take off their clothes and do it.

Back at the farm, Rick asks Herschel to reconsider asking them to leave - he doesn't know how horrible it is out there. Herschel tells him that there are aspects of the situation that he can't and won't discuss (??) but if Rick's people agree to live by his rules, he'll consider letting them stay.

When Darryl returns, he finds Carol in the RV. He gives her the flower - a "Cherokee rose," so named because the fable goes that it sprung up along the Trail of Tears when the Cherokee women cried for their lost children. He says he figures no flower is blooming for his brother Meryl, but maybe this one's for Sophia. You know, they're making Darryl into a very sympathetic character. They better not kill him off!

That night, Lori sneaks off into a field and pees on her pregnancy test. It comes up positive, of course, and she bows her head and cries.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

Mini book review: Zombies Vs. Unicorns

2011-11-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

This book attempts to answer that age-old question - which is better, zombies or unicorns? - via short stories. Compiled by Justine Larbalestier (Team Zombie, author of How to Ditch your Fairy, among other books) and Holly Black (Team Unicorn, author of the Spiderwick Chronicle series plus more), Zombies Vs. Unicorns contains twelve short stories by different authors, six zombie stories/six unicorn tales, and leaves it up to the reader to decide.

"The Highest Justice" by Garth Nix - the most fairytale-ish of the lot and which actually has a zombie in it, despite being a unicorn story
"Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Alaya Dawn Johnson - which asks if really good New Wave music is enough to sustain the love between the dead and the living
"Purity Test" by Naomi Novik - in which a unicorn and a not-virgin have to rescue kidnapped baby unicorns from a nasty wizard in NYC
"Bougainvillea" by Carrie Ryan - you think you're safe from the inevitable zombie apocalypse by living on an island, but then you have to deal with pirates as well as the lurchers
"A Thousand Flowers" by Margo Lanagan - an odd story where the first person narrator keeps switching without warning. Plus bestiality.
"The Children of the Revolution" by Maureen Johnson - I always knew there was something off about Angelina Jolie
"The Care and Feeding of Your Baby Killer Unicorn" by Diana Peterfreund - unicorns in this story's universe are vicious, poisonous, man-eating creatures, although the baby ones are still adorable
"Inoculata" by Scott Westerfeld - and a little child shall lead them, especially if that little child does not entirely succumb to a zombie bite
"Princess Prettypants" by Meg Cabot - the titular unicorn does indeed glitter and sparkle and fart honeysucked-scented rainbows but you still shouldn't piss her off
"Cold Hands" by Cassandra Clare - just because one of you is dead doesn't mean you have to break up
"The Third Virgin" by Kathleen Duey - a grim tale about a very twisted unicorn
"Prom Night" by Libba Bray - with all the adults gone, it's up to the surviving kids to police themselves

The stories in Zombies Vs. Unicorns are uniformly decent, some better than others, none of them awful, each of them just long enough to read at breakfast before work. I was on Team Zombie before I started reading, and I'm still on Team Zombie now that I'm done with the book, but the unicorn stories hold their own. Plus I now have a listing of a whole bunch of new fantasy/urban fantasy authors to explore!

Some Walking Dead thoughts

2011-11-04T01:00:00.002-04:00

My old friend Joe and I had a recent, brief email chat about The Walking Dead where Joe brought up some very good points and I told him I was going to steal his points and put them up here. So here's me doing that, with my further thoughts included. Joe is in green.

How many brand new RVs are sitting in lots at dealerships? Why would you risk running around in a broke ass Winnebago?

Is penicillin that hard to find? Really?

Guns have silencers, so why not get some or make one? Ammo shouldn't be that hard to come by either - stop in at most hardware stores or a Cabela's. There. Enough to wipe out an entire zombie herd.

How long do zombies survive without food? With no fresh humans, what are they eating besides the random deer? They really aren't smart enough to hunt.

The fact that the survivors are so ill-prepared really doesn't make sense what with all the everything lying around for the taking everywhere. I realize that at the outset of the zombie apocalypse people were maybe too shocked to stock up, but it's been long enough now that they should be getting their acts together. I can believe that food is a real issue, what with spoilage and inability to grow anything fresh, but if they got themselves some decent vehicles (someone driving a tow truck would be a good idea, to help clear the wrecks from the road (I got that idea right from Stephen King's The Stand, btw)), they could carry enough clothing, equipment and weaponry to last a while. And it seems like several survivors with automatic/semi-automatic guns could fell a whole herd - and you got 'em all, it wouldn't matter how noisy it was, and your spiffy new RV and tow truck could take you away before the next herd shows up.

I read a zombie novel this summer, My Life as a White Trash Zombie, about this girl who got zombified. If she ate enough brains, she could maintain her human appearance and composure. But three days without and her skin started to rot and crack off and she started to smell bad, and it just got worse from there. If a zombie in that novel went for three weeks without brains, they basically turned into a dried-up, lurching skeleton with no higher function other than feeding. I think the zombies in The Walking Dead should be somewhat similar with no food: they're never going to die of starvation since technically they're already dead, but they should shrivel and dry up and maybe move a little slower - but they'd still move, animated by their hunger.

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #9: Piranha

2011-11-01T01:32:00.000-04:00

So sad: this is the final movie in this year's Scarelicious October Movie Series! I got off to a slow start, I'm afraid, and just didn't get to nearly as many horror flicks as I would have liked to (and Mr. Mouse is champing at the bit, saying it's high time I got a movie he wants to watch too and enough with this horror bullshit). I'll get to Red State soon, but it'll definitely be in November so it doesn't count. And yes, it is still October 31 out here in Utah whilst I post this, so even tho' Blogger's datestamp will say November 1st, Piranha was actually watched - and enjoyed - on Halloween.

So, Alexandre Aja's Piranha - what can be said about it? Bountiful bouncy bare boobs and buckets of blood, and lots of ugly fishies with really nasty teeth, that's Piranha in a nutshell. It's hilarious and, as I understand it, a callback to Aja's favorite creature features, winking but offering up enough true gore and scares to be a real horror flick in and of itself. The plot is bare bones: "Lake Victoria," in Arizona, is the site of a rowdy spring break crowd. The little town is bursting with 20,000 mostly naked college students, swimming, wake-boarding, drinking, etc. The local sheriff's son, Jake, gets asked by the sleazy Girls Gone Wild-esque director (played with smarmy glee by Jerry O'Connell) to be their location scout for the porno-lite he's filming with two chickies. Unbeknownst to everyone, a recent earthquake has opened a fissure underneath the lake, freeing thousands of prehistoric piranhas. Shortly thereafter, mayhem ensues.

I can't decide what was my favorite part: the snickety-snickety noise the piranha teeth made; Jerry O'Connell's piscine penisectomy; Eli Roth's head getting smushed between a couple of boat hulls; Ving Rhames laying waste with an outboard motor; or simply the creative and exceedingly nasty ways Aja showed a person's stripped limbs post-piranha attack. The cast was impressive too. In addition to the previously mentioned folks, we've got Elisabeth Shue as the embattled sheriff, Jessica Szohr (Gossip Girl) as Jake's crush, Christopher Lloyd as a pet shop owner, Adam Scott as a seismologist (so much fun to see Adam Scott get to be almost an action hero! at least for a little while) and, in a wonderful cameo shoutout to Jaws, Richard Dreyfuss as a hapless fisherman. There's no great acting being done here but everyone committed to their roles and everyone looked like they were having a helluva a lot of fun. Unless they were being systematically stripped of their flesh by those hideous fish.

Piranha was just fun. Gruesome, gory, gratuitously nude fun - everything a B creature feature should be. I've never seen Joe Dante's original 1978 cult classic Piranha (which is supposed to be a ripoff of Jaws), but now I don't think I need too. Non CGI fish would be better, of course, but I'm pretty happy with what I just saw.

The Walking Dead S2E3 "Save the Last One" (10/30/11)

2011-10-31T00:29:00.001-04:00

In the farmhouse bathroom, Shane shaves off all his hair.

Flashback: Shane and Otis run through the halls of the high school, the drooling hordes of zombies lurching along behind them, as Rick, in a voiceover, tells Lori some story about Shane's high school derring-do. Rick and Lori are sitting by Carl's bedside. Their son is still comatose. At the RV, Darryl and Andrea can't sleep and decide to walk down the road a bit, looking for Sophia. Darryl is thinking positively: he thinks that kids are resourceful and Sophia will make her way back to them. Shane and Otis split up, Shane slipping through a small window in the gym while Otis flees through the locker room to find another way out - he's too fat to fit through the gym windows. Glen and T-Dog finally arrive at the farmhouse (seriously - what took them so long?) to learn that poor Carl is really not doing well. Lori tells Rick that maybe it would be for the better if Carl were to die, getting free of this hell on earth in which they live. This thinking tears Rick up considerably.

Shane and Otis meet back up, but they are out of rifle ammo and only have their pistols. More staggering and running away from the high school zombies. Some time later, back at the farmhouse, Carl wakes up and starts to tell his mom about the beautiful deer he saw. Then, suddenly, horribly, he starts to seize. When the seizure has passed, Herschel says it's because his brain needs more blood. Rick rolls up his sleeve to provide another transfusion, even though he's given too much already.

Out in the woods, Darryl and Andrea come across a campsite with a zombie swinging by the neck from a nearby tree. They read the handwritten sign: the guy got bitten and when the fever kicked in, decided to kill himself rather than become a zombie. But instead of shooting himself in the head, he hung himself ... which meant that he zombified after all. Andrea upchucks when Darryl points out that the hanging zombie's legs have been stripped of their flesh by other zombies. She asks him to kill the zombie but he doesn't want to waste an arrow, so he says he'll do it if she tells him if she wants to live now or not. She answers that she doesn't really know and even though Darryl doesn't think that's much of an answer, he puts an arrow through the zombie's skull, silencing it.

Shane and Otis keep trying to outrun the high school zombies. They're down to their last two bullets.

Back at the farmhouse, Herschel tells Rick and Lori that they either try to operate now, without the medical equipment Shane and Otis went to fetch, or Carl will die for sure. Rick looks at his wife and she, realizing that what Carl remembered from the day was the deer and not the horrors, says okay, let's try it. Just as Herschel is about to make the first incision, Shane drives up, without Otis but with the equipment. As Herschel rushes inside to operate, Shane stands there, twitchy and shell-shocked.

When Darryl and Andrea get back to the RV (without little Sophia), Dale returns her gun to her and asks her forgiveness for not letting her kill herself as she wishes. She tells him she's trying but she's not there yet. After the surgery, Herschel comes out and says that Carl seems to have stabilized. Lori goes in to see her son while Rick goes with Herschel to tell Patricia that her husband is dead. Shane stands in the front hallway and twitches. When he looks in on Carl, Lori asks him not to leave. He nods without saying anything and backs out of the room. Herschel's daughter gives him some clean clothes (formerly belonging to Otis) and shows him where he can shower.

Flashback to Shane and Otis lurching along, barely staying ahead of the high school zombies. Shane turns to Otis and says, "I'm sorry, man," and then shoots him in the leg, dropping him. He yanks the pack off Otis's back and Otis grabs him. They tussle, Otis ripping out a big hunk of Shane's hair, before Shane can manage to get away from him. Shane runs back to the truck, clutching the two packs, while behind him the herd of zombies has descended upon poor Otis, messily devouring him while he shrieks, letting Shane get away.

In the farmhouse bathroom, Shane shaves off all his hair.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

'Tis the season

2011-10-29T13:48:00.002-04:00

Just to get y'all in the mood for Halloween:

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #8: Quarantine

2011-10-27T17:30:00.000-04:00

Quarantine is the American remake of the very excellent Spanish horror film, [REC]. It's a pretty faithful retelling too:

Set in Los Angeles instead of Barcelona, [and I'm allowed to copy from my [REC] review because this is my blog] a cute little television reporter (Angela) and her cameraman (Scott), shooting a puff-piece on L.A.'s firemen, tag along with two of said firemen on a call to help an elderly woman trapped in her apartment. When they get to the apartment building, the other tenants are milling about in the lobby, disturbed by the screaming coming from the old woman's flat. Two policemen take the firemen and the t.v. crew up to the apartment and when they break the door down, all hell breaks loose. The old lady, fat, foaming at the mouth, nuts and wearing nothing but a blood-covered slip, attacks the rescue party, chewing a hole in one policeman's neck. Leaving one of the firemen behind to deal with the now-restrained old lady, the rest of them drag the wounded police officer down to the lobby, only to find out that the health department has sealed the building, allowing no-one out for any reason. Then the formerly upstairs firefighter plummets down the stairwell with a splat, face nearly chewed off. And now the screaming starts. The sickness spreads quickly, picking off the trapped people one by one. There is a lot of screaming - things get very tense very quickly. This is all shown as a real time POV movie, filmed on Scott's camera and narrated by Angela as they first hope to bring word to the world of what is happening in the building; later, when the power is shut off to the building, the filming is incidental as Angela and Scott make use of the camera's light, and then night vision scope when the light is broken. Towards the end, the only things we see are what little is illuminated by the camera's light, and then its night vision.

I had my doubts that Quarantine could be as good as [REC] - it very nearly is, and if I hadn't seen the original Spanish movie, this one would have been very scary indeed. The remake has made a few changes - what is possessing the apartment building's tenants is a particularly virulent, contagious and fast-acting form of rabies, and the editing is a little more frantic, making it difficult to figure out the action at times - but by and large sticks to the original plan. I knew what was coming but that didn't stop me from watching through my fingers a couple of times.

Another point in Quarantine's favor is its cast, including Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter) as Angela, Steve Harris (The Practice) as Scott, Jay Hernandez and Johnathon Schaech as the firefighters, and, as some of the tenants/fodder (undeveloped for the most part), Greg Germann (Ally McBeal), Dania Ramirez ("Maya" on Heroes), Denis O'Hare (True Blood and American Horror Story) and Rade Serbedziji ("Boris the Blade" from Snatch). While I think Spanish Angela was braver as a character, kudos to Jennifer Carpenter for friggin' knocking it out of the park in this movie. I seriously don't think I've ever seen an actor do "terrified" quite so well, even if the never-ending hysteria was wearying towards the end - I was getting a little concerned for Carpenter that she might pass out from all the hyperventilating.

I would still recommend [REC] to everyone but for folks who are unwilling to deal with subtitles, Quarantine will do you fine in its stead.

Next on the list: Piranha or maybe eXistenZ (Mr. Mouse is hoping October ends soon so I will rent a movie he would also enjoy watching).

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #7: Nadja

2011-10-26T00:44:00.002-04:00

Well, ... that was weird. Nadja is an arthouse vampire flick, filmed in black and white with some truly striking shots interspersed with fuzzy-focused vampire-vision scenes. A post-modern revisiting of Dracula, this strange little movie has Romanian twin siblings Nadja (definitely a vampire) and Edgar (maybe a vampire) Dracul trying to come to terms with their lives in the wake of their despised father's death in 1990s New York City. Edgar is in love with Cassandra, his caretaker, and living the reclusive invalid's life in Brooklyn, while Nadja, her enthralled young Irish Renfield doting on her every whim, tries to find meaning by going on dates and dancing in clubs and picking up Lucy, a depressed young woman currently estranged from her husband Jim. Oh, and Jim's paranoid uncle, the one and only Van Helsing (a tripped-out Peter Fonda) is trying to kill the Dracul twins, just like he killed their father.

Nadja is not for everyone. I'm not sure it was for me as it is abstract and moody, very slow-paced, dreamy in spots, with lots of talking about the emptiness of life (although there is a fair amount of black humor too) and only a little soft-focus vampire violence. But for folks who prefer their vampire films sleek and stylish with a side of weird - the movie was produced by David Lynch, who has a cameo as a morgue guard - Nadja is perfect.

Next in line: Quarantine - we'll see how the American remake holds up.

The Walking Dead S2E2 (10/23/11) "Bloodletting"

2011-10-24T00:24:00.003-04:00

We begin with a flashback to before the zombie apocalypse, with Laurie confiding to a friend that she's not sure she loves Rick anymore, and being interrupted when Shane comes up to tell her that Rick has been shot. Cut to now, with Rick running across a field, Carl in his arms, Shane and a fat guy, Otis, the hunter who accidentally shot Carl, following behind. At the farmhouse where Otis lives, the patriarch, Herschel, takes charge immediately, hooking Carl up to an IV, arranging for Rick to provide blood for a transfusion (he and Carl are both A+). From Herschel's examination, the bullet has broken into fragments which will need to be removed.

The remainder of the search party is still making their way back to the RV, while at the RV, Dale checks T-Dog's arm and sees that he's got a bad infection. They search the nearby vehicles again, hoping for some antibiotics they might have missed before.

Herschel manages to remove one of the bullet fragments from Carl's belly, but the boy is shrieking and crying from the pain. Finally he passes out. Herschel says that the other fragments are in even deeper, plus it looks like there's some internal bleeding, so they need to anesthetize Carl, and put him on a respirator, and open him up. They'll need additional equipment and supplies for that. There's a high school about five miles away that had a FEMA shelter set up there - they should have the supplies, but last time they looked, it was overrun with zombies. Rick wants to go but Shane says no, he needs to stay here with his son. Shane and Otis volunteer to go and Herschel gives them a list. One of Herschel's daughters says she'll go find Laurie and bring her back to the farmhouse.

The infection has caused a high fever and T-Dog starts to rant, paranoid, alarming Dale. As the rest of the group nears the highway, a zombie attacks Andrea as she wanders away from the group. Before it can munch on her, Herschel's daughter rides up on a horse, bludgeons the zombie with a baseball bat and tells Laurie that she needs to come with her to Carl. Darryl thinks that's a bad idea since they don't know this girl, but she shouts directions to the farmhouse over her shoulder as she rides off with Laurie. When the group reaches the RV, it is decided that Dale, Darryl and Andrea will wait overnight at the RV in case little Sophia shows up, and make a sign for her telling her how to get to the farmhouse, while the rest of them will go now to the farmhouse. When he hears about T-Dog's blood infection, Darryl pulls a baggie of medicine out of his motorcycle saddlebags - Merle's stash, which includes crystal meth, painkillers ... and penicillin. He hands over the antibiotics to Dale at once.

As they wait at the farmhouse, Rick and Herschel talk. Herschel is hopeful about the future and finding a cure but Rick is pretty despondent. When Laurie gets there, Rick takes her in to see their son. A little later, she questions Herschel about how many times he's done this surgery and it comes out that he's a veterinarian, not a people doctor. She is not happy about that: "Aren't you over your head?" Herschel, calmly: "Ma'am, aren't we all?"

When Shane and Otis get to the high school, it is indeed overrun with zombies. They wait until nightfall and then distract the walkers with flares found in an abandoned police car. They get inside the FEMA trailer and collect everything on Herschel's list but they've taken too long and when they exit the trailer, the zombies see them. After quite a bit of running around, fat Otis amazingly able to keep up with the fit Shane, they take refuge inside the high school, barricading themselves behind a metal gate. The innumerable zombies growl and moan and reach for them through the gate (wouldn't you move out of their line of sight in hopes that they'd forget about you if they couldn't see you, instead of standing there in full view?) That gate isn't going to last long against all that dead weight.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #6: I Sell the Dead

2011-10-23T21:45:00.001-04:00

I Sell the Dead is a funny-ish little (85 minutes) horror-ish movie about two 18th century grave-robbers who, finding their vocation not quite ghoulish enough, end up snatching undead bodies as well as dead ones. The story is framed as Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan, a/k/a Charlie from Lost, a/k/a one of the LoTR hobbits who wasn't Frodo) has been arrested for murder and grave-robbing. His partner and mentor, Willie, has already been executed for those crimes; when the movie opens, Arthur is telling his tale to Father Duffy (a misused Ron Perlman).

There are a lot of loose ends in IStD, a lot of false starts where you think something is going to lead somewhere and never does. For example: Willie and Arthur were accused of murder by a trail of body parts leading to each of their abodes. Arthur says he was framed, yet nothing comes of this - who left the body parts? I think I know, but it's never mentioned again. Willie and Arthur are hired by a creepy doctor who needs lots and lots and lots of corpses, the fresher the better - but why? We never see what he's doing with them or why he needs so many, so what's the point? When Willie and Arthur begin collecting and selling the undead (vampires, zombies and, very strangely, an alien), we're told that this is much more lucrative work but we don't know who wants these beings or why. And so on.

There's a little violence and gore but not much and the movie really isn't scary. There's an awful lot of just talking (and talking and talking - I may have nodded off for a couple of minutes) and while some of Monaghan's line readings are funny but the movie isn't a farce or satire or even just funny enough to be a black comedy. I give it a resounding "meh." I seem to be giving those out a lot lately.

Next time (for sure, after TWD): Nadja.

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #5: Open Water

2011-10-19T01:50:00.000-04:00

Okay, if I do this movie series again next October, all y'all have to give me some movie suggestions because I'm not doing a very good job of picking them out myself. The latest less than stellar offering? Open Water, a tepid hybrid of when-animals-sort-of-attack and man-at-the-mercy-of-the-elements, based-on-a-true-story film about a couple who are inadvertently left behind on a diving trip in shark-infested waters. Spoilers ahead, mateys!

The pluses: independent, low-budget movie, shot realistically (on video?) with natural light and no CGI, real sharks, actors actually bobbing about in the ocean and not in a shark cage or indoor tanks.

The rest of it: the actors, unknowns, are pretty bad, although in their defense they weren't given much to work with. When Daniel and Susan resurface and find the tour boat missing, they take it too calmly - it isn't realistic. I think there would be some immediate panic, then subsiding to calm/shock. Their physical condition didn't deteriorate as the hours passed: even though they were in tropical waters, hypothermia will set in after prolonged exposure, not to mention dehydration and salt sores. Once Daniel was bitten by the shark, I don't think the other sharks would have left him alone to bleed out overnight - I think they would have gone after him, and Susan too, what with all the blood floating about. And I found Susan's death unsatisfying: I can see how she would just give up but she was wearing a wetsuit and would have been far too buoyant to slip beneath the surface to drown, especially since she'd dropped her dive weights.

The whole thing was just unsatisfying. I've read reviews saying that people expecting Jaws will be disappointed, that Open Water is more about fear and dread and hopelessness. Which would have been fine if any of that had been conveyed by the actors. Instead, this mercifully brief movie is boring, basically amounting to watching two unlikable characters tread water for 81 minutes. Ugh.

P.S. I did manage to get Mr. Mouse to watch it with me and he gets points for calling: (1) no survivors, (2) Daniel dying first; and (3) the camera being found.

Next up (I think): Nadja.

The Walking Dead S2E1 (10/16/11)

2011-10-17T02:01:00.000-04:00

This was a 90 minute season opener and they probably could have condensed it down to an hour. Yes, I realize that this show is about more than zombies - character development and interactions among the survivors being as important as the zombies ... but I am of the more-zombies-is-better camp. I found this episode a tad slow, although certainly suspenseful and exciting in parts.

Our group of survivors is leaving Atlanta for Fort Benning, 125 miles away, in hopes of finding something, anything there in the aftermath of their visit to the CDC. Rick gives a long monologue about being a survivor, etc., etc., over the walkie, trying to reach his buddy from S1E1 (Morgan?) and warn him away from Atlanta. Finally, they move on in a small caravan: motorcycle, RV and SUV. They cruising down the interstate when they are stopped by two things: a huge wreck/traffic jam across the highway and a blown radiator hose in the RV. As Dale tries to repair the radiator hose, the others search the stranded/abandoned cars for supplies as they need almost everything: water, clean clothes, medicine, gas.

After a while, Rick sees a "herd" of hundreds of zombies lurching towards them, as if migrating. The survivors quickly hide under various cars, trying to stay silent as the zombies go by. Andrea is still in the RV, trying to reassemble her gun after cleaning it; a zombie decides to investigate the RV and she hides in the tiny bathroom. When the zombie tries to get in after her, Dale - who is up on the roof of the RV - drops a screwdriver down to her and she ends up staking the zombie through the eye with it, eventually killing it. You see, they can't use their guns because to do so would alert the rest of the zombie herd. So when Whatsisname the token black guy, badly cuts his arm on some metal, and a zombie goes after him, Darryl (Norman Reedus, my new favorite, hot off his gig as Judas in the video for Lady Gaga's eponymous song) has to silently shove an arrow by hand through the zombie's brain to save him.

Finally, the herd has passed ... except for a couple of stragglers who see little Sophia when she climbs out from under the car she was hiding under. Sophia runs away into the woods, the two zombies chasing her, and Rick races after them. He finally catches Sophia and tells her to hide as he draws the zombies off, and then she is to retrace her steps back to the others. The zombies follow him further into the woods until he takes them out, one at a time, via a large rock to the skull. Unfortunately, Sophia does not make it back to the group before Rick does, so he and Darryl head back out to track her. They find and kill another walker, and note that it has fed recently, so Darryl cuts its stomach open (with many squishy sound effects) so they can see what it ate: a woodchuck. They suspend the search for Sophia when it gets dark.

In the morning, everyone goes back out to search for the little girl, except Dale (who's supposed to be fixing the RV - but who actually fixed it the day before but doesn't want anyone to know because he's afraid people will want to leave before Sophia is found) and Whatsisname (who is recovering from his cut arm). Before they leave, Andrea gets in Dale's face: she's pissed that he wouldn't let her die in the CDC explosion like she wanted. After they've been searching a while, they find a church with several zombies inside. After Rick, Darryl and Shane kill the zombies, there's a bunch of blah blah blah of talking to God. Outside, Laurie and Shane argue because he's decided to leave the group since he can't stand being around her and Rick any longer. After Laurie walks away, Andrea - who overheard their argument - tells Shane that she wants to come with him.

It's getting late but Rick feels guilty and doesn't want to give up the search. He and Shane decide to search for another hour or so while the rest of the group head back to the RV. Rick's son Carl wants to stay with his dad since Sophia is his friend; amazingly, Laurie and Rick agree to it. As Rick, Shane and Carl are walking through the woods, they find a huge deer. Fascinated, Carl approaches the deer while the men watch, smiles on their faces. Suddenly, a shot rings out from across the clearing. Both the deer and Carl fall to the ground. Rick and Shane rush towards the boy, stricken looks on their faces.

Previously on The Walking Dead / next time on The Walking Dead

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #4: The Devil's Backbone

2011-10-16T21:41:00.000-04:00

FINALLY! A very good movie! The Devil's Backbone, written and directed by Guillermo del Toro (a favorite here at FMS), is a Spanish (English-subtitled) ghost story, set in 1939 Spain. Young Carlos has been orphaned by the Spanish civil war and has been left at a remote Spanish orphanage, run by Republican sympathizers. Carlos is a bright and gentle boy, soon running up against the orphanage's bullly, Jaime, the nasty caretaker, Jacinto, himself a former denizen of the facility, and Santi, the ghost of an orphan who died not too long before Carlos's arrival. Carlos is given Santi's bed to sleep in and the ghost seems to attach himself to the newcomer, appearing to him often and warning that many will die.

When Franco's Nationalist forces begin to prevail, the Republican sympathizers decide to evacuate the orphanage, but an explosion decimates the place, killing many of the staff and the children. The remaining orphans, Carlos and Jaime among them, must band together to survive the onslaught of scavengers looking to pilfer Republican monies hidden in the building, as well as to avenge Santi's untimely death.

I don't know what it is, but between the RECs and all of del Toro's work that I've seen, I have a real affection for Spanish horror. The Devil's Backbone is lovely, beautifully shot, suspenseful with building tension and a couple of jumps, but not at all over the top with gore and violence. As in Pan's Labyrinth, del Toro has a very nice touch weaving history and scary stuff together. It won't be for the slasher/traditional horror fan, but for those who like a little bit of sophistication (and subtitles) with their ghosties, The Devil's Backbone is a very good choice.

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #3: My Soul to Take

2011-10-14T01:29:00.002-04:00

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Why the HELL didn't someone tell me NOT to watch this movie? What an unbelievable waste of 108 minutes.

A schizophrenic serial murderer is killed on the night seven babies are born, and vows to come back and claim them all. Sixteen years later, someone is murdering the "Riverton 7" ... is it the killer, back from the dead? Or is it one of the seven, possessed by the killer's soul? Seriously, though, who gives a shit? The story is confused and confusing, dialogue and actions jumping around meaninglessly sometimes even in one scene. The characters are stupid and undeveloped, caricatures really, and I found it impossible to care when they started getting killed off. The kills were boring, unimaginative and not scary - and mostly took place out of frame or even off-screen. Ugh. I can't even talk about this anymore.

This stinking pile was written and directed by Wes Craven. WES CRAVEN! How far the mighty have fallen.

Up next: The Devil's Backbone (which by gawd better be good or else).

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #2: [REC]2

2011-10-12T11:00:00.000-04:00

[REC] was the ninth movie I watched last October for the First Ever FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series and wow, I just loved it. It was original, scary as hell and quite well done. [REC]2 picks up just moments after the first movie ended.

The sequel is filmed using the same conceit as the first: a squad of four cops accompany a doctor into the quarantined Barcelona apartment buildings, recording the whole thing on their helmet cams. The entry is sealed behind them and will only be opened upon voice recognition from the doctor - so it behooves the cops to protect him or they'll never get out. The entry way and staircase are awash in blood but there are no bodies to be seen. The doctor leads his team up to the penthouse apartment to begin their search for something from which to develop an antidote. During the search, of course, they are attacked and one of the cops is infected. When the doctor locks the infected cop in a room and hangs a crucifix on the door, the other cops demand to know WTF is going on. As it turns out, the doctor is actually a priest and the infected rage-zombies are demonically possessed; the priest needs to procure a sample of blood from the original possessee, who was a young girl years ago, whom another priest was experimenting on in this building. The cops are less than happy about all this but go along with it.

Around this time, the father from the first movie who went to the pharmacy for antibiotics and was locked out has convinced a firefighter to let him into the building. Three teenagers with a videocamera see them sneak in through a sewer tunnel and follow. Unfortunately for everyone, the police outside see them going in and weld their entry point shut. Now they're stuck. The movie at this point switches from the cops' helmet cam POV to the teenagers' camera POV, which makes for an interesting switch as the two groups of characters finally meet. Things go from bad to worse as more infected/possessed rage-zombies come out of the woodwork and whittle the group down one by one. In the end, the priest and the last surviving cop return to the penthouse SPOILER where they find Angela, the reporter from the first movie, has inexplicably survived. The last minutes of [REC]2 are back in the penthouse, in the dark, illuminated only by Angela's camera's night vision and her survival goes from inexplicable to explicable, for better or worse.

[REC]2 is by far a weaker movie than its excellent predecessor, although I admit my opinion may be colored by the fact that I watched R2 in broad daylight, which pretty much negates any fear factor. I still liked the real-time story-telling but it no longer felt original. I did not like the demonic possession explanation for what was going on; the first movie was scary in part because we had no idea why this was happening to people; [REC]2 had the priest doing too much exposition and that slowed things down some. And demonic possession can be tough to do: watching a bloody, disgusting little girl speaking in a hoarse demon voice was too much of a callback to The Exorcist and ain't nothing can compare with that. The second bottle rocket bit (not the sex doll one) was a nice touch, however.

Sequels are tough to pull off, especially when the first movie is so good and feels like such an original idea (see also The Descent, The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity]. I appreciate the attempt [REC]2 makes, and I absolutely did the movie a disservice by watching at 11:00 a.m., but even so, the second falls far short of the first.

Up next: My Soul to Take or The Devil's Backbone, whichever shows up first.

The Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series - Movie #1: Insidious

2011-10-10T16:01:00.000-04:00

Welcome (finally) to the Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series! And, boy, let me tell you - way to start things off with a whimper rather than a bang. Due to the vagaries of the U.S. postal system, I received our first movie, Insidious, starring Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne and Barbara Hershey, instead of the anticipated [REC]2. You work with what you get, I guess.

The story in Insidious goes thusly: Josh (Patrick Wilson), Renee (Rose Byrne) and their three young children move into a new home, a big ol' house with nice dark wood trim and a scary attic. It doesn't take long for things to start going wonky: books spilling out of bookshelves, boxes where they're not supposed to be, the front door opening for no apparent reason, creepy voices heard over the baby monitor. After exploring the scary attic, their middle son, Dalton, will not wake up. It's not a coma per se, say the doctors, but he just won't wake up. Rose is convinced their new house is haunted and they move to another one, installing Dalton there with his at-home IV drip and nasal feeding tube. But the wonky stuff keeps happening, and seems to be getting worse, so Josh's mom (Barbara Hershey) calls upon an old friend of hers, a psychic, who determines that it is not the house (houses) that is haunted, but poor little Dalton. It seems that Dalton does a lot of inadvertent astral projection and has gotten lost, his empty body now serving as a possible gateway to our world for a whole host of nasties that are looking for a way in. They have to get Dalton to return to his body.

Insidious starts well enough when you think it's a haunted house movie. The tension builds nicely; it's jumpy and the glimpses of the nasties are just enough. But then the psychic lady and her assistants show up, and the tone abruptly changes to a Ghostbusters meets Poltergeist one, and the bumbling assistants' comic relief is an unwelcome contrast to the earlier creepy tone. And then it just gets silly when little Dalton gets possessed by a demon and starts throwing people around, and the whole astral projection thing is silly and boring as Josh wanders around the foggy, empty "Further," looking for his lost son, and with about twenty minutes left in the movie I had completely lost interest.

Insidious is billed as being from the creators/producers/whatever of Paranormal Activity and Saw but it just doesn't live up to its pedigree (the PG-13 rating doesn't help either). The performances are good enough, I guess, although Patrick Wilson looked as bored being in the movie as I was watching it; the music is overwrought and distracting; and the astral projection plot is not compelling. I give it a solid "meh."

Next on the SAFMSSOMS: [REC]2.

Some thoughts on American Horror Story

2011-10-08T14:40:00.000-04:00

I know I'm dropping the ball on the Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series but True Blood just took longer than I thought it would, plus we had to go out of town for a long weekend. [REC]2 should be arriving in my mailbox shortly, however, and then we'll get down to it. In the meantime, I watched the first episode of FX's hot mess, American Horror Story, and have just a couple of thoughts about it. For a longer, more carefully thought out discussion, check out the A.V. Club's review - I think those guys have pretty much nailed it.

First of all, this show is completely nuts, schizophrenic even. It doesn't know what it wants to be and it's got a lot going on all at once. It first wants to be a haunted house story, opening nicely and creepily with some kids breaking in and coming to a scary end in the basement. Then it kind of wants to be an exploration of a crumbling family, as the Harmons move in, trying to get a new start in the wake of a family tragedy and the husband's subsequent infidelity. Then it just starts piling on as many possible horror cliches and tropes as it possibly can: poltergeistish activity, psychic savants, the decaying Southern belle (played with lunatic enthusiasm by Lange), psychotic murals, disturbed teenagers, deformed creatures in the basement, crazy and mutilated strangers with secrets, the hag/whore succubus, pleather fetish suits, possession and possible demon spawn. All in the first hour, getting more and more frantic as the episode wears on. This show needs to learn that the best and most scary movies let the tension build and build, not assault the viewer with every possible trick until they're cowering out of sheer sensory overload.

Secondly, AHS has some decidedly disturbing moments, but they're not the scary ones: I don't need to see Dylan McDermott creepily glad-handing himself, then bursting into tears, nor was I that psyched about the fetish-suited ghost raping Connie Britton. Sure, she thought it was her husband playing dress-up, but ew.

Finally, great cast. If the writers/showrunners can manage to get their acts together, figure out WTF is going on and slow it down some, this cast should be able to knock it out of the park: Britton, McDermott, Lange, Taissa Farmiga, Denis O'Hare (the Vampire King of Mississippi himself!) and Frances Conroy. I think American viewers are ready for a episodic basic cable horror series, and I think AHS has potential, but it's going to need to make some adjustments first.

True Blood episode recap "Evil is Going On" (S3E12)

2011-10-07T10:30:00.000-04:00

Eric and Russell lie in Fangtasia's parking lot, slowly burning up in the sun. A vision of Godric (wtf?) appears to Eric, pleading with him to forgive the King and let go of his quest for vengeance. Eric screams in pain and frustration. Inside, when Sookie wakes up, healed by Bill's blood, she jumps up and slaps him hard across the face, furious that he's betrayed her yet again. She turns to Pam and asks where Eric is. Pam is still in tears, watching on the CCTV, and replies that Eric is outside, burning. Sookie refuses to let him do that and rushes outside. She can't get the handcuffs off at first, however, and Russell taunts her, saying that he'll get free and kill everyone she knows just because she can't access all her powers. Angry, she steps back and that faerie light bursts from her hands, splitting the handcuffs. Then she hits Russell with another blast, knocking him into a fence, and then drags Eric back inside the club.

Back in Bon Temps, Sam makes post-coital pancakes for Tara and all is well until he comes out to her as a shapeshifter. She freaks out, saying she canNOT deal with non-humans rights now - she has had it with all the supernatural freaks around this town. Sam tells her that she's smart enough to get away from it all, change herself and her life and be a brand new person. He did it, after all.

When Eric regains some strength, he tells the group that Godric told him to spare Russell. Everyone protests - Pam: "Do us all a favor and let that little fuck fry." But he is insistent and so Sookie grabs up that silver chain and runs out to the crispy critter in the parking lot, and drags him into the club. Russell is still alive and his make-up is fantastic: burned to a cindery crisp. They chain him to the stripper pole and then Eric, Pam and Bill, having gotten "the bleeds" from being awake too long in the daytime (ah, that explains that - how did I not know that?), have to go lie down in their coffins. Bill wants to help Sookie keep watch over Russell but she doesn't want to be around him right now. As he strides off, Eric makes a call to someone, saying he'll need his help and his van tonight.

Jason swings by the sheriff's office, which is abuzz with activity what with the DEA being in town and all. Andy lets slip that the Hotshot raid is happening today and Jason runs off to go tell Crystal. Meanwhile, when Hoyt gets to work, he finds his mother, Summer and his old high school guidance counselor there, ready to stage an intervention. He listens to their bullshit for a while and then tells them that he loves Jessica and if they can't handle that, they can't be part of his life.

Lafayette is still suffering from post-V hallucinations: when Sam lets him into the bar because he forgot his key, he sees Sam's hands running red with blood; he sees Rene, pawing at Arlene and whispering that he's inside her. He freaks out and calls Jesus, telling him that he's seeing things and is afraid he's schizophrenic like his mother. Jesus hurries over and tells him that when he was learning magic, he saw things too. Learning magic? Yeah, Jesus is a witch. Lafayette: "You a witch, who's a nurse, who's a dude? Guess I lucked out then, huh?"

Russell tries to bribe Sookie to let him go, offering her $5 million, his house in Mississippi, killing either Bill or Eric for her, or both of them, or neither - her choice. She turns him down. He then starts to rant about how glorious her blood is and how the next vamp who tries it, probably won't have the self control not to drain her. She listens for a while then sprays him with Pam's colloidal silver. Now he's pissed, and shouts that he'll rip her to pieces, so she picks up the crystal vase holding what's left of Talbot and prances over to the bar. She dumps Talbot into the insinkerator and turns it on, laughing maniacally while Russell gibbers and shrieks in rage, cursing her in many languages.

Jason and Crystal drive up to Hotshot and she calls her people out. They are a sad, sorry, dirty, emaciated group. Calvin is pissed that she's brought Jason here until he hears that the DEA is coming. They scurry around, gathering up all the drugs: the meth will be hidden in the woods; the V will be dumped down the latrine. But Felton, having sampled some V himself, has other ideas. He grabs the V and shoots Calvin and another guy, killing them. Everyone cowers and screams. Felton says he's leavin and takin Crystal with him, or else he'll shoot Jason. She agrees to go with him to save Jason's life, and she tells Jason that he's in charge of the Hotshot rabble now, who'll need someone to look after them. Jason promises to do what he can - and he'll find her again, somehow. Jason = new mayor of Hotshot! (cliffhanger to S4)

Sam makes the rounds, apologizing to the folks he offended the night before. When he gets to Tommy's cottage, the place is abandoned. He gets a thought and rushes back to the bar, only to find the office ransacked and robbed.

That evening, Alcide strolls into Fangtasia. Sookie is excited to see him, but a little disappointed to learn that he's just here because Eric has a job for him. He tells her that his family is okay, although Debbie has gone missing (cliffhanger to S4), and that he's been thinking about her a lot. Aw. Eric begins dragging the still-charred Russell out to Alcide's van and Bill tells Sookie to stay at the club so Pam can protect her. She snaps that she thinks she can protect herself just fine and shouts that she is formally rescinding the invitation to her home to all vampires present, so none of them need follow her back to Bon Temps. Alcide smirks at Bill; Bill glares at Alcide: Eric mutters, "If you two are done eye-fucking each other, we have work to do." Heh.

Tara says goodbye to her mother, then goes home to Sookie's house and cuts off all her hair. Sookie is home when she goes back downstairs and Tara apologizes for being such a bitch. She tells Sookie that she's going over to Merlotte's to see Lafayette and Sookie gives her a big hug. When Tara drives up to the bar, she looks at it for a while but doesn't go in, driving away instead. Will she be back? (cliffhanger to S4)
The DEA stomps back into the sheriff's office, Jason in handcuffs, angry that no one was there at Hotshot except Jason and the two dead guys. Andy scolds him but Jason is at peace with what he's done: "Sometimes the right thing to do a wrong thing, and I know I done the right thing."

Alcide drives off after dropping Bill, Eric and Russell at a construction site. Eric has dumped the King in a foundation hole and is pouring cement over him. "Wrapped in silver, encased in concrete, you won't be going anywhere for at least a hundred years," smirks Bill. Russell is undaunted, still raving as the cement closes over him. Then Bill sneakily slaps a silver cuff on Eric's wrist, pushes him in another foundation hole and pours cement over him. He has snagged Eric's phone too and calls Eric's pet assassin, Reuben, telling him to kill Pam.

Hoyt has rented a cute little cottage for him and Jessica. He wants to marry her, even though that's currently illegal. They hug and smooch, happy, not noticing a creepy doll lying in one of the dark, empty rooms. Also, Hoyt's momma has gone out and bought herself a rifle that shoots vampire-killin bullets (cliffhanger to S4).

His work done, Bill shows up at Sookie's house and she invites him in, willing to hear what he has to say. He tells her he's taken care of Eric, Russell, Pam, and soon the Queen - any vamp who has tasted Sookie's blood. He professes his undying love for her ... and then Eric is at the door, covered in cement dust, and asking if Bill has told Sookie yet that the Queen sent him to Bon Temps originally to "procure" Sookie for her, or if Sookie knows that Bill actually hired those rednecks in S1E1 to beat her to a pulp so that he'd be able to feed her his blood, forming the bond between them. Horror crosses her face. Eric goes on to say that Bill tried to silence him so that Sookie would never know the truth. She is beside herself, screaming that her invitation to Bill is again rescinded, and he is physically sucked out the front door of her house, and crying that he manipulated her into falling in love with him. She also yells at Eric to get the fuck off her porch and slams the door in his face.

Eric goes back to his club and finds Pam there, fresh from the shower and bitching that she'll never get all the cement out of her hair. She mentions that it was Reuben who tried to kill her, so she took care of him. "Oh, great," complains Eric, "On top of everything I'm out an assassin." Pam: "I have zero tolerance for that shit."

Tommy is walking down a dirt road, duffle bag in hand, when Sam drives up, murder on his face. Tommy takes off, running through the woods until Sam fires a pistol into the air. Tommy is so upset, saying that Sam changed his life, taking away everything he ever knew and now is throwing him away like garbage. Sam tells him to get over it, get a job, and Tommy shouts that he can't read. Sam doesn't care so Tommy storms off, muttering that Sam ain't gonna shoot shit. Sam watches his brother and then aims the pistol, and fires (cliffhanger to S4).

Queen Sophie-Ann arrives at Bill's house, dressed in fashionable black and red as a new widow. Bill has brought her here under false pretenses: she thinks that he's going to hand Sookie over to her. Instead, since he has nothing left to live for, he is challenging her and only one of them will ever leave this house. Their fangs pop out and they fly at each other, shrieking (cliffhanger to S4).

Sookie runs through the night to the Bon Temps cemetery. Claudine and her glowing faerie cohort are there. They hold out their hands to the crying Sookie and she steps into their embrace. The faerie light grows stronger, then flashes, and all the faeries, Sookie included, are gone.

Here's the thing: If Eric can get out of the cement, so can Russell since he's so much more powerful than any other vampire. The writers obviously couldn't figure out how our regular vampires could possibly kill him OR they're going to bring him back again which would be great. As confused and overrun as this season was, at least they didn't kill off all the new characters and left some stories to continue to the next season. Although closing a couple of arcs might have been okay.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "Fresh Blood" (S3E11)

2011-10-06T19:41:00.002-04:00

Bill storms into Fangtasia, shouting for Sookie and Eric. Pam intercedes, cold and gloriously bitchy, and when he won't back down, she maces him in the eyes with "colloidal silver - in stock and overpriced at your local health food store." Gawd, how I love Pam. The Estonian stripper scurries down the basement stairs and unlocks Sookie, who grabs a length of silver chain and races back up the stairs. Pam and Bill are currently trying to rip each other to shreds so Sookie loops the chain around Pam's neck and drags her off. When Pam 'fesses up that Sookie was to be a gift to Russell, Sookie and Bill take off before Eric can get back with the vampire King. "Don't leave me here with this idiot immigrant!" calls a chained Pam. Estonian stripper: "Idiot? In Tallinn I am cardiologist!"

Jesus and Lafayette rehash their V trip, Lafayette admitting that V is crazy and intense but not that crazy and intense. He is a little wigged out but Jesus is jazzed and wants to take more right away. Lafayette listens to him and then YIKES! Jesus transforms into a demon and lunges at him, then flashes back to himself. Lafayette is unsettled but blows it off as an aftershock and refuses to tell Jesus exactly what he saw. Instead, he tells Jesus that he needs to go home for the night. Jesus is disappointed but leaves without much fuss.

Jason is struggling with the concept a little: "Like a werewolf ... but a panther." Crystal is a little frustrated: "Yeah, a WEREpanther!" She's feeling sorry for herself - "All I got to do is marry my half-brother and let him breed me 'til I'm old or dead" - but Jason is so confused. He wants to clear his head and goes out to try to find his sister.

Hoyt and Jessica are making out on the couch at the home she shares with Bill. She cools things off for a bit, telling him that she killed that trucker accidentally, but now she knows how to feed without killing a person. She won't live on TruBlood: she drinks human blood and she's not going to stop. Hoyt thinks about this for a moment and then offers his throat to her. Jessica's eyes widen and she is turned on immediately, climbing her way up his body before straddling him and plunging her fangs into his neck.

Eric finds Russell at an art museum, musing over a painting that Talbot loved. Russell asks him why he did it and Eric says it was payback for Russell killing his family 1,000 years ago. The King thinks that's maudlin and chuckles, "You are nothing but a lump of muscle with a blood grudge" and says he can't wait to kill him. Eric says he can offer him day-walking - the ultimate vampire dream, the achievement of which would make Russell nigh on invulnerable. Russell is intrigued. Eric's phone rings, a jaunty little tune, and he answers it with a "Not a good time." Pam, on the other end: "No shit. Bill and Sookie escaped and Yvette cleaned out the cash." She hangs up on him and, after the blonde club bartender finishes unchaining her, Pam grabs her and takes a drink.

Sookie and Bill drive through the night in her little car. He whinges and moans about her trusting Eric; she points out that after recent events, she can't really trust either of the vampires in her life. They fantasize together a bit, imagining a new and normal life together where she is a real estate agent and he teaches third grade and goes fishing with Jason, until Eric and Russell drop down into the road in front of them. Sookie screams and stomps on the brakes.

Sam staggers into his bar, drunk and belligerent. He insults all his employees (including calling poor Terry a "shellshocked motherfucker," to which Terry replies, "You're gonna hate yourself for sayin that"). When he calls Arlene and Holly bitches, they tell him to wait his own damn tables and walk out.

Oh, who the hell cares about this? Jason has wandered over to the high school football field and discovers that the current QB1 is using V to enhance his athletic performance. Whatever. Also in the "I don't really care" department, Summer shows up at Mrs. Fortenberry's house in tears, saying that Hoyt has rejected her. They decide they aren't giving up yet.

Tara, after crying her eyes out at Eggs's grave, walks into Merlotte's, amused to see the drunken Sam waiting tables. She goes over to Andy and bitches him out for covering up Eggs's death. He tries to explain how fucked up it all was, Maryann messing with everyone's heads, Eggs seeming determined to die, and Jason not knowing what was going on. In the back room, Sam and Tommy get into a shouting match when Tommy accuses him of acting like Joe Lee - drunk and mean - and Sam, infuriated, fires his little brother and kicks him out of the rental cottage. Tommy is stunned and immediately apologetic - he has nowhere to go. But Sam is on a rampage and won't hear it, going back out to the restaurant to kick all the patrons out. He turns on Tara, who is now sitting at the bar and helping herself to a bottle of tequila, and shouts at her to get out. She looks at him calmly: "No."

Out in the woods behind the bar, Holly has set up a sacred circle with salt and candles. She goes on (and on and on and on and on) about the great mother goddess and mixes up a "decoction," telling Arlene she's to drink it four times a day for at least five days. She also tells Arlene that there's no guarantee that this will work because if this spirit is meant to be born, it will be, nothing they can do about it. Arlene nods her head and knocks back her first dose.

Lafayette is woken up by [hallucinating?] all his little god dolls and idols talking to him. He's freaking out.

Russell, Eric, Sookie and Bill arrive at Fangtasia. As Russell strolls into the club with Sookie in tow, Eric whispers to Bill to hit him. After being slightly too slow on the uptake, Bill punches him and they start trading blows. Russell rolls his eyes and continues inside. The boys stop fighting and Eric says he has a plan.

Sam and Tara sit at the bar, drinking and talking about how Sam may have just lost all the friends he had, and Tara doesn't have any friends really anyway. They decide to go back to his trailer and screw. While they are thus occupied, Tommy cuts the alarm wire and cleans out the bar's safe.

Terry wakes Arlene up, frightened because their bed is full of blood. She is calm, though, and tells him there's no need for an ambulance: she'll get cleaned up and he can take her to the hospital: "I'm sorry, honey, I think we're losing the baby." At the hospital, however, the doctor tells them not to worry as the baby is fine and dandy.

When Jason gets back to his house, he tells Crystal that he loves her, no matter what she is. Then she tells him that they have to stop the upcoming DEA raid on Hotshot because of all the innocent, meth-cookin panther kids who just won't survive bein put in the system. He's like, the folks up there are really sketchy - I saw some guy "chewin on somethin dead." Crystal: "That's my double cousin Buford. He ain't right but he never hurt nobody." She goes on to say that her daddy Calvin and Felton are nuts and will burn Hotshot to the ground, with everyone in it, if they feel threatened.

Back at Fangtasia, Russell is skeptical that Sookie is even part faerie so Eric tells him to try her blood. Bill backs Eric up, saying that he's done it and walked in the sunlight, but they should be careful and not drain her or they won't get any more. Sookie's like, WTF, why are you helping these guys? He tries to explain that maybe Russell will let them live this way but she is not appeased: "I hate ALL you guys." Russell considers and says, well, okay, but Eric, you go first. Then he and Eric latch onto poor Sookie and start slurping. She screams and stares at a helpless Bill.

Then, with much trepidation, Eric steps outside into the sunlight while Pam and Russell watch on the CCTV. He moves away from the entrance when he begins to smoke and whispers to himself, "Don't let them see, don't let them see." Russell is thrilled: "Faeries! Fuckin faeries!" Tears of joy bleed down his face and he walks out after Eric, while Pam remains glued to the t.v. set, crying herself. Bill pleads with her to unchain him so he can heal poor Sookie with his blood. When Russell joins Eric, the Viking's face is blistered and starting to scorch, but he chains himself to the King with silver handcuffs, binding them together. "Traitor," snarls Russell. They fall to their knees and Eric tells the King to be brave - they'll die together.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "I Smell a Rat" (S3E10)

2011-10-05T17:07:00.000-04:00

Sookie: "I'm a faerie? How fucking lame!" Bill explains that somewhere down the line, a male fey hooked up with one of Sookie's female ancestors and the subsequent end result was Sookie, a human/faerie hybrid. (But that would mean that Jason is part faerie too, right? Is he going to suddenly develop powers now too?) Bill goes on to tell her that as far as anyone knows, the whole faerie race was wiped out by vampires who craved their ultra-delicious, "intoxicating" blood. (Except that Claudine and her glowing cronies, who are clearly still in existence somewhere, just maybe not on the earthly plane anymore.) Sookie wonders if it's her tasty bloodd that makes Bill so attracted to her. He insists that no, he loves her for her.

In the aftermath of Jason's obliterating Franklin with that wooden bullet, Jason starts to freak out a little. Tara takes charge, telling him they'll bury the sludgy remains and burn Franklin's clothes. She spits on the patch of bloody dirt. Meanwhile, Sam is back in his trailer, disinfecting his shredded hands with booze and remembering the bad old days when he was a grifter and a thief, and he was double-crossed by the blonde chickie he was with and her boyfriend. I'm just not buying the whole "Sam Merlotte was a bad dude" thing. Sure, he's had his secrets but this seems to have come on too suddenly, like the writers were stretching, trying to find a use for cute Sam Trammel.

At Fangtasia, Eric is making out his will and leaving everything to Pam. She is furious with him for not putting up a fight. He says that he's only covering his bases and her ass, making sure she's taken care of if he can't defeat the older and much more powerful Russell Edgington.

Lafayette drives to his house, realizing that they'll never make it to a hospital before the badly beaten Calvin kicks the bucket. He runs inside and brings out some V, pouring it into Calvin's mouth. In just a few moments, the wounded man heals in front of their eyes. Jesus marvels and Crystal weeps with joy. An ungrateful Calvin backhands her across the face: "You let these faggots put vamper juice in me?" He runs into the woods, his daughter shrieking and following. Lafayette: "Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash." Heh. Out in the woods, Calvin chews Crystal out for chasing after a human and mixing with outsiders instead of keeping to her place. She snivels that she doesn't love Felton and won't go back to him. She runs off and he calls after her that she's dead to him and no daughter of his.

While Sookie sleeps on Jason's couch, Bill goes outside to find Eric waiting for him. Eric knows that Sookie is part faerie, and what her blood can do, and that Queen Sophie-Ann sent Bill to Bon Temps to get close to her. Bill says okay, but the partial faerie blood will only keep a vampire in the sun for a few moments before a slow burn starts. They start snarling at each other and Eric dares Bill to "tell Sookie the truth." Sookie's come up behind them and wants to know what truth. They blow her question off and Eric bids them both farewell, wishing Sookie the best since he won't be around for much longer.

Hoyt drives Summer back to her home and she all but throws herself at him, unbuttoning her blouse and saying that even tho' "God likes girls to wait," she'll give it up for him since he's a "sexual being." Hoyt cannot get out of there fast enough.

Tired and bloody, Jason and Tara go back to Jason's house and are none too pleased to find Bill there. Tara is snarling and defensive and tells Sookie that she's had enough of vampires who kidnap you and tie you up and tape you so you can't scream, and rape you and try to turn you ... and the "man" that Sookie loves didn't lift a finger to help. Sookie's eyes fill with tears and she grabs Tara into a hug. Outside, Bill tells Jason to get his shotgun and be careful: werewolves are really fast.

Back at Lafayette's house, Jesus has decided that he wants to try a V trip. Lafayette is reluctant at first, saying that the drug is intense and unpredictable, but Jesus is persuasive, saying that they are connected to mystic power and the V could take them even closer. Soon enough, the drug kicks in as the boys are dancing with each other, the little gods and idols on Lafayette's mantle dancing along with them.

In the morning, all the Merlotte's employees are nervous and jerky around Sam until he tells them that Calvin is okay and they should just act normal. Holly offers up some black cohosh to smooth him out a little. Sam asks if she's got anything for "nosiness and bad boundaries." She apologizes, saying she's a Wiccan and this is what she does, offer up remedies. He says it's okay, seeing how she's new, but the bar has two rules: no dancing and no religion.

After Bill has gone to ground, Jason tells Sookie what happened with Franklin and then, distraught, tells her that he's the one who shot Eggs, not Andy. She's shocked and tells him that Tara has got to know. He doesn't want to tell Tara, saying he's protecting her from the truth.

The V trip gets deeper and weirder, making the boys speak out of each other's mouth and sending them through time and space: to visit Jesus' Abuela, a kindly witch who saved people from spells; to one of his Mexican Tias, another witch who solved fertility problesm; to Lafayette's great-great-great grandma May and her daughter Winnie, salves who were conjurers and who never had to share their masters' beds because of their powers; and to Jesus's scary Abuelo, a sorceror versed in the dark arts, from whom Jesus's mother ran away, trying to protect her son from her father's big plans. The old sorceror looks up at them and they scream, and bounce out of the V trip. Lafayette is freaked out but Jesus thinks that was way cool.

Sookie has a dream about Eric, and knows it's a dream; dream Eric tells her to enjoy it since she knows she has feelings for him. Sookie: "Eew." He kisses her and she kisses him back a little. Dream Eric tells her that she can't trust Bill and she wakes up with a start, her brother looking at her curiously as he takes a breakfast tray in to Tara. Unable to restraint himself, he admits to having shot Eggs. Her face moves with shock and horror and grief - she's had about all she can take and runs out. When Jason comes out into the living room, he sees the note Sookie has left: Gone out, back soon.

Sam goes wandering out in the woods, drinking and remembering the bad old days again when, as a cute beagle, he tracked the two who double-crossed him, then shifted to human and shot them both. Ah, so we're supposed to accept that Sam is REALLY a bad ass and not to be trifled with. Whatever. I'm still not buying it.

Sookie has gone to confront Eric at Fangtasia, barging into his office and demanding to know what he meant by not being around much longer. He doesn't want to talk about that and reminds her that she's not to trust Bill. Also, he wants to kiss her before Russell kills him. He grabs her and kisses her and she really kisses him back and it is HOT - they have much, much more chemistry than she and Bill do. Pam bursts in: "Blah blah vampire emergency blah blah." Heh. Eric follows her out and wants to know WTF. Pam points out that they're in a ration of shit and he's too busy making out with the solution to realize that he should give Sookie up to Russell in exchange for their lives. Eric says he won't do that and Pam sneers that he would have done anything to save Godric. If he won't give Sookie to Russell, he ought to figure out how to use her.

Speaking of Russell, the crazy King goes trolling and picks up a male prostitute who looks vaguely like poor Talbot. They go back to the whore's place and after sex, Russell gets weepy, talking to the confused whore like he's really Talbot. Then, bereft, Russell stakes the poor guy who, being human, dies slowly and in great pain as the vampire cries against his shoulder.

At Merlotte's, Arlene asks Holly if they can talk about alternate ways to get rid of Rene's evil baby. Holly nods solemnly. Hoyt shows up and announces to Jessica that he loves her and wants her back. Tommy watches jealously. Jessica says that Hoyt doesn't know all the horrible things she's done ... and enjoyed doing. He tells her again that he loves her and knows what he wants, but she can't get any more words out and he leaves the bar, hurt. Tommy chases after him, sneering, "Nice work in there, dude." Hoyt punches him and Tommy, infuriated, shifts into his pitbull and attacks Hoyt, ripping into his arm. Jessica hears the commotion and rushes out. She grabs the pitbull and flings it into the bushes, then looks at Hoyt's shredded arm. She bites into her own wrist and makes Hoyt drink her blood, telling him that she loves him. Tommy, shifted back into human form, watches them from the underbrush.

When Jason returns home from looking for his sister, Bill grabs him and shoves him against the wall, wanting to know where Sookie is. The vampire is angry, saying that Jason was supposed to protect her. Jason is first sorry and then snaps, shouting for Bill to shut the fuck up and get off him, and to get the fuck out of his house. The invitation to enter is rescinded and Bill is physically sucked out the front door, shock evident on his face. Jason sags against the wall, then hears something in the back of the house. He peeks into his bedroom and is speechless to see a huge black panther sitting in the middle of the room. As he watches, the panther shifts into a naked Crystal.

Wait. Wait a fucking minute. This show is out of control. First it was vampires and mind-readers, then shapeshifters and maenads, then werewolves and faeries and sorcerors and witches and now fricking werepanthers? Seriously, this show is lacking some focus.

Eric returns to his office and throws Sookie over his shoulder. As she struggles, Bill, in Bon Temps, hears her screams and takes off. Eric takes her to the basement and chains her by the neck to a pillar. Apparently Pam persuaded him and he's some some sort of plan now.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "Everything is Broken" (S3E9)

2011-09-30T10:30:00.000-04:00

Immediately after staking Talbot, Eric flies back to Fangtasia and tells Pam that they need sanctuary, and now. Pam: "Are you panicking? Should I be panicking?" But it's too late because that hardcase Nan Flanagan and her Vampire Rights League (or whatever) goons have arrived. The vote to ratify the Vampire Rights Act (or whatever) is just three days away and Nan is furious that she's back in the deep South, cleaning up messes when she should be wining and dining politicos - and that's Tru-Blood dining only for Nan, of course. She orders the vamp goons to "silver" Eric.

Russell gets back to the mansion to find what's left of his lover lying in gooey strings and clumps on the carpet. He falls to his knees and clutches the gunk to his chest. When he see the Viking crown has been taken, he knows exactly who is responsible and screams in rage.

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps, Sookie and Bill shower together and engage in a little biting, bloody shower-sex. Then they go downstairs to clean up the dead werewolf that Bill left in the living room. She asks him why he's keeping that secret file on her and her family and he says that he's trying to find out what she is exactly, and thus why Eric is so interested in her. Sookie's like, you know, that file is kind of creepy, plus you can't think of me as a thing that needs protecting - I took care of Debbie all by myself, after all.

Jason gets back to his house to find Felton in there with Crystal. She's told her fiance that Jason kidnapped and raped her, is why she's there. When Felton starts choking Jason, Crystal beats him over the head with the butt of the shotgun. She tells Jason that they need rope and lots of it - Felton is stronger than he looks and can escape handcuffs. They take him out to the boondocks and make an anonymous call to the sheriff's office, reporting him.

There's a lot of talking in this episode, much of it as Nan Flanagan interrogates Eric about the Magister's disappearance in view of webcams so the members of the Authority can hear firsthand. Blah blah blah: ERic tells her about Russell's history with the werewolves, how Russell wants to take over the world, how Russell hates the Authority, how Russell killed the Magister and forced the Queen to marry him, that he didn't report any of this because he's holding a 1,000 year old grudge and wants to kill the King himself. Nan thinks this all might be bullshit, especially since Russell just donated $500,000 to the VRL (or whatever). She puts Eric and Pam in coffins until the Authority can make a decision.

Back at Sam's trailer, he tries to get Tara to talk about her ordeal. He's very gentle with her but is interrupted when Terry and Arlene call to complain about the ruckus Tommy and a lady friend are making next door. It's quite a ruckus. Sam goes over there and finds Tommy and a naked blonde bimbo partying hard. Tommy thinks Sam is a fuddyduddy; Sam just asks him to keep it down.

Both Ruby Jean and Jesus have spent the night at Lafayette's house, but Jesus has spent it in his bed. In the morning, Jesus takes Ruby back to the clinic, promising to come back soon to see Lafayette.

Jason and Crystal swing by the sheriff's office in the morning and learn that the deputy who went out to investigate Felton was mauled terribly and is in critical condition. I guess Crystal didn't tie him as tightly as she thought. But a bag of V was found at the scene, along with some guy's empty clothes, and Jason points out that if they can tie the V to the meth dealers at Hotshot (the white trash warren up in the hills where the meth dealers live), they can raid them again. Andy thinks that's actually a decent idea.

Tara has made her way to a rape survivors' support group, but is startled to see Holly, the new death's-head Merlotte's waitress there. Holly is very welcoming and warm, though, and tells her story to get things going. Tears roll down Tara's face as she listens.

Sookie gets a phone call from her cousin Hadley and meets up with her. Hadley wants Sookie to meet her son, Hunter, to see if he has the same mind-reading gifts that Sookie has. Hunter does and Hadley panics, convinced that the vampires will come after her little boy the way they're coming after Sookie.

That evening at Merlotte's, Arlene thinks Tommy is stealing her tips. When Sam takes her side, Tommy accuses him of never standing up for himself. Holly finds Arlene crying in a back room and comforts her, enough so that Arlene confesses about being afraid of the possibly evil baby she's carrying. Holly asks if she wants the baby and Arlene cries no. Then Holly asks if she wants to go to a clinic but Arlene can't face that, so Holly tells her that "there are other ways to resolve it." Is Holly a witch? Because I heard witches were going to make an appearance on this show at some point.

Bill has that dream Sookie had that brings him to Claudine's glowy world. Claudine is NOT happy to see him. When she runs from him, he grabs her and she blasts him with that light from her hands. She accuses him of killing Sookie and stealing her light. Bill insists that he did not kill Sookie and asks Claudine what she is, because Sookie needs to know so she can protect herself.

Eric's ears and nose are bleeding again when Pam emerges from her coffin. He warns her about all the shit that's about to come down. She tells him that he should have confided in her about what happened to his family so he didn't have to carry that burden alone. They are sad, thinking about what might happen. He tells her that if he can't go on, she must make a new vampire: it is time for her to become a maker. Pam bursts into tears and hugs him tight.

Hoyt and Summer come in for dinner at Merlotte's. Jessica's fangs accidentally pop out when she seats them and she runs off, embarrassed. But when that annoying Summer goes to the ladies', Jessica comes back to the table and apologizes for scaring Hoyt's new girlfriend. Hoyt bursts out, "I hate her! I fuckin' hate her! She won't stop talkin'!" Jessica: "So what are you doin' with her?" Hoyt: "Because it beats sittin' around thinkin' about you." Jessica bursts into tears and Tommy comes over and ushers her away. In another booth, Jason tells Crystal about the plan to raid Hotshot and put everyone in jail. She gets upset, saying those folk are her kin, and lots of 'em don't have anything to do with meth, and it'll be really bad to put them in jail.

Nan Flanagan returns to Fangtasia. Across the street and unseen, Russell is watching, clutching a crystal urn full of Talbot-goo. He thinks that the VRL (or whatever) is "protecting a murderer" and flies off before learning that Eric is, in fact, currently a prisoner. Nan tells Eric and Pam that the Authority is going to pretend all this never happened, while instructing Eric to kill Russell, under the radar and without any outside support. Eric is apprehensive what with how powerful and old Russell is but Nan does not care: "Bring me his fangs or I'll take yours."

Back at Merlotte's, Crystal's daddy Calvin has come in and is shouting at his daughter, calling her a snitch (and worse). Sam has had enough and beats the ever-lovin' snot out of Calvin while everyone looks on in awe and horror. Finally, Hoyt and Jason pull Sam off the unconscious and very bloody man. Calvin is in really bad shape so Jesus and Lafayette put him in Jesus's truck to go to the hospital. Crystal runs out and jumps in the truck with them, ignoring Jason's pleas to stay.

In the parking lot, Tara watches the truck go and then HOLY SHIT there's Franklin, totally not killed. He grabs her and drags her around the side of the building. He's still completely nuts and more angry with her for not mourning his presumed death than actually having tried to kill him. She takes a stand and tells him that he's a psychopath and she never loved him and he doesn't really love her because he is not capable of it. Tara: "Come on - if you're gonna kill me, fuckin' kill me! ... and then I will finally be free of you!" Franklin seizes her and is about to bite down when Jason steps behind him and cocks his shotgun (not a euphemism). Franklin, as a vampire, is of course not afraid of any gun and advances, so Jason fires and that big ol' wooden bullet hits the vamp square in the chest, causing him to erupt in a fountain of blood and guts. See, Tara, that's how you kill a vampire.

Bill and Sookie reconnect and he tells her about his visit with Claudine, and that he thinks he knows why Sophie-Ann, Russell and Eric are so interested in her - he knows what she is.

Nan is in her limo, up in Oregon on her way to her next meeting in Portland. There's a hot naked chick with enormous boobs in the limo with her and Nan, that big friggin' hypocrite, drops her fangs and starts sucking on the girl's femoral artery. The limo's t.v. set is tuned to a local station and the anchor is talking about the upcoming VRA vote. Suddenly, and absolutely awesomely, Russell drops onto the set, punches his fist through the news anchor's chest AND PULLS OUT THE GUY'S GODDAMNED SPINE. Oh. my. god. Russell fucking rocks. He pushes the dead guy out of his chair and sits down, still holding the spine in one bloody hand, and starts his rant [paraphrased and shortened]: "We are nothing like you. We drink true blood and the VRL is trying to hide this fact from you. I am the true face of vampires. Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you, and after we will eat your children. Now, time for the weather - Tiffany?"

Damn. That last ten minutes totally made up for all the talking and talking and talking in the rest of the episode. Outstanding.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Programming note

2011-09-28T00:59:00.004-04:00

I'm churning out these True Blood recaps as fast as I can get to them because as soon as we finish S3, we're diving straight into the Second Annual FMS Scarelicious October Movie Series! I'm so excited to watch a bunch of scary movies - TB may be about vampires and be all gory and shit, but it's not like it's actually scary or anything. I've got some good stuff (I think) lined up: [REC] 2, Insidious, My Soul to Take, The Devil's Backbone, Open Water and so on. But first, back to Bon Temps!

True Blood episode recap "Night on the Sun" (S3E8)

2011-09-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

Sookie's screaming brings everyone to their feet. Alcide tries to drag Bill out, Tara's ready to stake him right there, Bill's fangs pop out. Sookie calms herself and tells them she wants to speak to Bill alone. After her friends have gone out, she tells him that she's afraid of him now and isn't so sure she can forgive him for what he did. He says that he doesn't deserve to be forgiven and all he wants for her is a normal life - sunshine, children, a future - which he can't give her. He tells her he will love her forever and leaves, bloody tears streaking his face.

In Mississippi, Talbot feels like everything is spiraling out of control: Russell is moving his new wife into the mansion; he can't get Franklin's brains out of the guest room linens; there are werewolves buried under the gazebo ... and when Russell then confesses to having killed the Magister, Talbot shrieks, "You're like a century-old child! The Authority will be furious." Russell is sure that everything is under control, however. Debbie shows up, demanding an audience with the King and wanting revenge for Cooter's killing. Eric points out to Russell that they need to keep Sookie alive, though, and the King agrees, saying she's "special." Debbie: "She's fucking my ex-boyfriend and made him shoot my fiance - she's a cunt!" Russell, agreeably: "But she's a special cunt." He promises that he'll let Debbie play with Sookie for a bit when he gets her back. After the were leaves, things get a little tense when Russell says he's unsure if he can trust Eric. The Viking vampire drops to his knees, kisses Russell's hand and swears his loyalty. Russell seems appeased.

Arlene has a nightmare that Rene is still alive and singing to his unborn baby, promising that his son will be just like him. This terrifies Arlene, who wakes up screaming and afraid of the baby she's carrying.

Bill goes home and Jessica is thrilled to see him. He tries to kick her out, saying that he can't protect her, can't be responsible for her, can't take care of her, but she refuses to go. She needs him to teach her how to be a vampire, plus she just doesn't want to be alone anymore. She starts to cry and Bill gives in, unable to abandon her.

Sookie is home now too and Alcide is there with her, keeping an eye on her. Jason and Andy stop by to try to convince her to press charges against Bill. She says that it's over between them but she won't press charges. Jason's like, fine, but I'm killing him the next time I see him. Tara and Lafayette are upstairs as well: she's looking wicked shell-shocked but says she can't talk about what happened to her yet.

Sam meets his mother at the rental cottage and watches as she packs up the last of her things. Tommy asks her again to leave Joe Lee but she won't, she loves him. She asks Sam for some money. He gives her some and she complains that it won't get them very far. Sam has had it and snaps, "I don't give a fuck how far it gets you as long as it's out of here." When Lindy is gone, Tommy starts to cry.

When Lafayette gets back to his house, he is surprised to find his mother there, escaped from the psych hospital. "I'm here to save you, Lala," she says, "... from the vampires and the witches and the dogs and cats - they all know about you." Lafayette rolls his eyes and takes her into the house.

Sookie and Tara have a little spat about Sookie being hung up on Bill, and Tara tells her that if she goes back to him, she's a dumb bitch - Tara is over-identifying a little bit here because she just had a sexy dream about Franklin and is horrified that she could have such feelings about her captor. Alcide comes out as Tara stomps off: "Good, maybe you can flirt some sense into that girl because logic sure as hell ain't workin'."

Jason is loading his shotgun with some leftover Fellowship of the Sun wooden bullets when Crystal appears at his front door, soaking wet and sporting a black eye. She says she had to swim here so "they couldn't track [her] scent." Jason thinks this might be some sort of drug code. She wants to take his truck but he won't give it to her. Instead, he gives her a towel and some whiskey and learns that the black eye is courtesy of "Felton," her fiance, to whom she's been promised since she was four - her daddy don't hold much with outsiders. They talk a little more and then start making out.

Arlene interviews a new waitress for Merlotte's, Holly, who is so skinny that she looks like an actual skeleton. Arlene tells Sam he's not to sleep with the new girl but I'm guessing that won't be much of a temptation.

Lafayette has called Jesus to come fetch Ruby Jean back. She doesn't want to go because she wants to protect her son, who has a lot of power and that's why "they're" coming for him. Jesus agrees and promises that he won't let anything happen to Lafayette.

At the King's mansion, Eric (again bleeding from the nose and ears for some reason) tells Hadley that he wants her to deliver a message to Sookie. Sometime later, Hadley shows up at Sookie's house and tells her that Eric says that Russell is coming for her, and don't trust Bill. "Like I'm supposed to trust Eric?" scoffs Sookie. After delivering her message, Hadley bursts into tears, causing Sookie to read her mind ("I'm sorry I told them about you!"), then runs away.

Alcide gets a phonecall from his sister: Debbie and her gang have torched Janice's salon and he needs to go back to Jackson to stop her from hurting anybody. He doesn't think it's safe for Sookie here, though, and asks her to come with him. She says no, she won't run, and if she's really in trouble, Bill will come. They have a sweet little moment where each realizes that if they were smarter, and things were different, maybe they would have fallen in love with each other instead of the train wrecks they've got going now. Then he leaves.

In an excellent display of vamp-fu, Bill gives Jessica fightin' lessons in the living room. She keeps harping on the fact that he and Sookie belong together, but Bill insists that he's no good for Sookie. Jessica understands: she loves Hoyt but he's so good and sweet that he belongs with someone like him. They bond over missing their honeys.

Russell tells Talbot that he's going to Louisiana after Sookie and Talbot has a total hissy fit, throwing things around. Eric volunteers to stay behind at the mansion and keep Talbot company. Talbot looks him up and down and agrees; Russell mouths, "Thank you!" After the King has gone, Eric and Talbot play chess for a while until Talbot gets bored and orders the blond vampire to take his clothes off. The henchvamps are sent away and Eric takes his shirt off. Talbot approves. "It's been a long time since I've done this," says Eric. "A man?" asks Talbot, Eric: "No, a vampire." They start making out.

Crystal's daddy and Felton stop by Merlotte's looking for Crystal. Sam sniffs the air questioningly before he even sees them. He tells them that Crystal hasn't been here and asks them to leave. Her daddy gets in his face, calls him "shifter" and threatens him; when Tommy tries to get involved, Sam holds him back and Felton sneers, "Down, boy." When the meth dealers have left, Tommy asks Sam, "Did you smell that?" "Yeah," says Sam.

After Jason and Crystal have sex, Jason goes out to get them something to eat, taking his shotgun with him. But first he swings by Crystal's house and finds a naked guy chewing on a deer carcass in the back of a shed. The guy hisses at him and keeps eating. Jason decides to get the hell out of there.

That night, Debbie and two of her wolves break into Sookie's house. She is holed up in her room with her own shotgun, while Bill and Jessica are downstairs. The two vamps take on the two wolves while Debbie goes upstairs. CHICK FIGHT. Bill quickly kills his werewolf but Jessica struggles with hers a little and chases it out of the house, over Bill's warning. Russell is waiting outside and grabs her. "You are 3,000 years old and a King, but you hide behind guards, wolves and a baby vampire. Are you scared or just lazy?" taunts Bill. Russell tosses Jessica aside and she runs, the wolf chasing after her. (Not to worry: by the end of the episode, she's drained him dry.) Russell and Bill fight but Bill is absolutely no match for the King.

Fortunately, back in Mississippi, in the middle of some steamy naked man-on-man vampire sex, Eric flips Talbot over and stakes him. Harsh. Russell feels the loss immediately and screams, horribly, in such pain, and flies away back to his home. (Eric better get out of there damn quick.) Bill rushes upstairs but Sookie has managed to chase Debbie off all by herself. They fall into each other's arms (so much for being broken up, I guess) and have some pretty rough sex where you get to see Anna Paquin's boobs again.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "Hitting the Ground" (S3E7)

2011-09-25T23:04:00.000-04:00

Lorena takes a break from sucking on Sookie's neck to pronounce her utterly delicious. While she is thus distracted, Bill manages to stagger to his feet and wrap a length of silver chain around Lorena's neck. They fall backwards onto the floor, Lorena face up on top of Bill. Sookie grabs a big stake and, at Bill's urging, slams it through Lorena's chest as Bill lifts her up and away from his own body. Lorena explodes into a stringy mess of blood and goo, coating Bill thoroughly. He's been pushed beyond his limit now, though, and just lies there unconscious as Sookie screams for help. (She's been doing a LOT of screaming this season.)

Help arrives in the form of Alcide and Tara in Alcide's van. Tara thinks Bill sure looks dead but Sookie insists that he's not. She gets the manacles off his wrists and they wrap him up in a tarp. They're about to load him into the van when Debbie shows up, waving a pistol around like a lunatic. She is high on V and completely unpredictable. Alcide tries to calm her down, then Sookie screams (again) to distract her while Tara tackles her, knocking the gun away. Cooter comes in then, grinning nastily when he sees Alcide. Alcide grabs the gun and shoots Cooter twice, killing him. Debbie goes wild. Alcide holds her off while the girls get Bill in the van. Debbie swears that she will hunt him down and do for him. He says that he believes her and locks her in the slave quarters. Sookie rides in the back with Bill while Alcide and Tara ride up front. Werewolves give chase and Alcide coldly runs one down which surprises Tara.

Back in Louisiana, Sam is trying to find the dog fights but is chased off by a toothless redneck with a shotguy. He drives off a little ways, strips down and shifts into an especially cuddly-looking pitbull (if you can imagine such a thing). He trots up to the barn where they're fighting the dogs and Johnny from Deadwood walks right on up to him and puts a leash on him. Sam just wags his tail and follows Johnny into the barn.

Jason mopes around his house, thinking about Crystal: "I never thought I was smart enough to get depressed, but here I am!" Hoyt tries to snap him out of it and suggests that Jason go down to the jail to talk to that meth dealer they arrested several episodes ago - surely he's got some information on her. Then Summer, that annoyingly perky girl Hoyt went out on a date with, shows up with a plate of homemade biscuits. She wants to be Hoyt's girlfriend. On his way out, Jason tries the biscuits and says they're fantastic. Hoyt just shakes his head.

At the Queen's palace in Shreveport, Eric has put Sophie-Ann in a cage. He's got her favorite human, Hadley, Sookie's cousin, with him and is threatening to drain her unless Sophie-Ann tells him what's so special about Sookie. (For some reason, both Eric and the Queen are bleeding from the ears and nose.) Hadley begs Eric to stop - she'll tell him what she knows about her cousin. She whispers something in his ear that makes him raise an eyebrow: "I certainly wasn't expecting that." Sophie-Ann sighs in frustration.

In the back of Alcide's truck, Sookie rips open her forearm with a saw blade (ouch!) and feeds Bill, trying to rouse him. It works too well and his fangs pop out. He gnaws on her arm and then flips her onto her back and latches onto her neck, feeding ravenously, like an animal, covering her mouth with his hand so she can't scream. Soon, she stops struggling.

Jason goes to the jail and asks the meth dealer about Crystal. The guy says that he'll tell Jason what he wants to now but Jason has to bring him some meth first. So Jason goes to Merlotte's to ask Lafayette to sell him some. Lafayette: "I don't deal no fuckin' meth and even if I did, I wouldn't sell any to you."

Alcide pulls the truck over, needing a pee break, and Tara checks on Sookie and Bill. When she opens the back of the truck, Bill is conscious but Sookie is not. Tara kicks Bill out of the truck and Alcide drives off, heading to the hospital. Bill looks dazed but most importantly, he doesn't burst into flame in the sunshine, only smoldering a little bit. He watches the truck drive away and then dashes into the underbrush.

Johnny takes dog Sam to the cages. "You look mean but you sure do mind good. You're going to roll right over in there and take it like a little girl, aren't you? I'm bettin' against you." He unlocks a cage and turns back to put the dog in, but Sam, who has shifted back to his nekkid self, clocks Johnny with a pitchfork and steals his overalls. Out in the ring, Tommy the dog is put in with a nasty looking Rottweiler. The dogs start to fight, Lindy fanning herself nervously. Sam lets all the other dogs out of their cages and sounds an alarm bell. The rednecks running the fights all take off, except for Joe Lee and Lindy who are looking after a bitten Tommy-dog. Sam steps into the ring and whacks the Rottie: "Don't you snarl at me!" The Rottie looks at him, whines and backs down. Sam: "Good. Now get the fuck out of here!" The Rottie obeys. Tommy shifts back to human and Sam tells Joe Lee to give him his clothes. Sam chews his no-good parents out and takes Tommy with him when he goes, saying that he can't promise him a perfect life, but it'll be better than this one.

At the hospital, the doctors try to give Sookie a transfusion since she's lost so much blood, but she seizes immediately, reacting badly to the blood. The doctors tells Tara and Alcide that Sookie somehow doesn't have a blood type. They're tracking down some O negative (universal donor) but they're not hopeful. Someone might want to call the next of kin. Tara calls Jason and Lafayette who come to the hospital immediately. They try to figure out how she could not have a blood type and Jason muses that Sookie's never been sick, never been in the hospital, not even when she was born.

Sookie, meanwhile, is having a dream or vision or something, and has been transported to a glowing, warmly-lit alternate reality where ridiculously pretty and scantily-clothes people caper and dance in a flowery Bon Temps cemetery, frolicking around a sparkling pond. A beautiful woman with a British accent introduces herself as Claudine and shows Sookie around. It's all kind of silly, really. Claudine asks Sookie to stay here with them, not to go back to her world. Then the sky grows dark.

It's because Bill has arrived at Sookie's bedside. Everyone wants to throw him out but he says that his blood can save her. Jason agrees to it and Bill uses an IV tube to directly connect one of his veins with Sooie's. In the dream, all the pretty people dive into the sparkling pond and disappear. Claudine tells Sookie not to "let him steal [her] light" and again asks her to come with them. No, says Sookie, I don't know you! Soon enough, she regains consciousness in the hospital. She opens her eyes, sees Bill there and screams.

At Fangtasia, the Magister has chained Pam to a table with silver chains. He is enjoying torturing her: he has bought sterling silver earrings from Tiffany's for her, but since her ears are already pierced, wonders if she minds if he pierces her eyelids instead. Bravely she says it'll go nicely with her chains. Before things can go any further, Eric, Sophie-Ann and Russell arrive. Eric tells the Magister that he's guilty of selling V but he did it on the Queen's command. And he's not committing treason by admitting this, because now his allegiance is to the King of Mississippi. The Magister tries to arrest Sophie-Ann in the name of the Authority (apparently the ruling body over all vampires, including kings and queens) but Russell announces that he no longer recognizes the Authority's authority. The Magister blusters and Russell has had enough. In the blink of an eye, the King whisks Pam off the table and lays the Magister out on it, covered in those silver chains. He starts torturing the Magister until, panicked and in terrible pain, the Magister agrees to speak the traditional words marrying Sophie-Ann and Russell. Russell is pleased but not quite finished: with one stroke he decapitates the Magister as Eric, Pam and Sophie-Ann's jaws drop.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "I Got a Right to Sing the Blues" (S3E6)

2011-09-23T00:32:00.001-04:00

Russell and his henchmen drag Sookie and Bill back to the mansion while Talbot, Lorena and Eric look on interestedly. Suddenly, Bill stakes a henchvamp with a baluster and then tries to stake Russell too, but the King just tosses him into the ceiling - to Talbot's horror and dismay - and laughs that he's almost 3,000 years old and it'll take more than that to kill him. As the henchvamps subdue Bill again, he shouts at Eric to take Sookie out of here. Eric advances on Sookie but he's not done infiltrating Russell's inner circle, so he just grins and tells the King, "I don't know exactly what you've got here, but I'd hold onto it." Sookie's all, Eric, WTF? Russell orders the henchvamps to take Bill to the slave quarters where Lorena is to kill him. Sookie shrieks and promises Lorena that she will kill her herself if Lorena kills Bill. Lorena sneers that she would like to see Sookie try and threatens to rip her open and "wear [her] ribcage as a hat," which, if I'm not mistaken, is a totally stolen line from BtVS.

Back in Bon Temps, it's a slow night at Merlott'es and Arlene, having been stiffed by all her customers, is down to one last diner, a horrible woman. Jessica is hungry and decides to try Pam's advice. She hypnotizes the woman into leaving all her money for Arlene, and then follows her into the bathroom where she drinks her fill but doesn't kill the victim - that way everyone's happy.

Down by the swamp, Jason and Crystal are still making out, hot and heavy, and then she freaks out, sniffs the wind and runs away, saying they can't be together. Whatever. More interestingly, Lafayette and Jesus are making some progress: playing billiards, talking about their childhoods and smooching. When they go to Lafayette's house, Jesus is drawn to the little altar of saints and voodoo gods Lafayette has set up, saying they are very powerful. They mack some more but are interrupted when the meth dealers show up and trash Lafayette's fancy new car. He goes after them with a baseball bat and beats the crap out of one of them, yelling that they better sell that V he dropped off with them. Jesus helps him chase them away but he's quite upset to learn that Lafayette is a drug dealer.

Sookie pleads with Eric to help her but he snaps that he's about to get something he's wanted since he was human so she better keep out of his way. Russell comes in and sends Eric away, wanting to talk to Sookie. He demands to know what she is exactly. "A waitress." Russell is all, look, honey, I may be immortal but my patience is not infinite. He is amused when she says she'll answer his questions if he answers hers. She tells him that her grandfather was like her, a mind-reader, and that she can hear humans' thoughts, and shifters' and werewolves' but not vampires. The King commiserates with her about how dreadful that must be: "I mean, who cares what anyone else is thinkin'?" She begs him to spare Bill's life. Why, he wonders, when Bill has been keeping a secret file on her and her family, and shows her the file Franklin found in Bill's house. Russell wants to know if she has any other powers aside from the mind-reading and that light from her hands, but she can't come up with anything else pertinent.

Meanwhile, out in the slave quarters, Lorena has chained Bill to the floor with silver chains. There's an impressive array of sharp instruments on a nearby table. She babbles on and on about how much she loves him and how she's suffered for him, and then she starts cutting on him. Bill begs her to "do it quickly" but she can't/won't, crying over him and dabbling her fingers in the cuts she's slicing into him. It sounds awful but really it's just boring.

Upstairs in the mansion, Franklin has tied Tara to the bed again. He comes him, preening in his satin pajamas and excited about their upcoming wedding night. She convinces him to untie her, and then tells him that she wants to drink his blood tonight so that she can be high while they have sex - the best sex is whilst hopped up on V. Bite me, he tells her, and holy shit she goes right to town on his neck, tearing it wide open with her teeth and guzzling up her blood. She is so desperate.

Russell asks Eric to accompany him on an errand. They toss Sookie in a spare bedroom and she weeps ... until she hears Tara thinking at her: "Hang in there until sunrise, Sookie, I'm going to get us out of here." Poor Tara is lying in bed with Franklin, post-coitally, as he whispers crazy things in her ear. She's covered in blood.

As the limo drives through the night, Eric inquires how Russell can stand being around werewolves when most vampires are disgusted by them. Russell rolls his eyes, agreeing that the weres are more dog than man, stupider than dogs, really, so he uses them, gets them to do his bidding in exchange for his blood, has been doing it for centuries. Why? Because his dream is to have the vamps and the weres conquer the world and enslave all the humans. And where are they going this evening? To Queen Sophie Ann's palace. They find her in her solarium, hilariously rubbing scratch tickets. Russell hands her a rose and asks her to marry him. Apparently he's asked before because she's like, why would I say yes now? Russell: "Because in addition to never touching you, I will settle all your debts." She is still resistant until Eric grabs her by the neck, throws her to the floor and threatens to rip her head off. Russell smirks, "So, yes or no?" "Goddamnit," Sophie Ann mutters and Russell is well pleased.

Back at the slave quarters, it's nearly morning and both Bill and Lorena are a mess, him because she's nearly flayed him alive and her because she's covered in blood as well, both his and from her own tears. Bill drones on and on, how he wishes he'd known her before she was turned, and then finally says that he welcomes death because then he will finally be free of this disease (or possibly the disease that is her - doesn't matter). Then they are interrupted by Cooter and Debbie in all their white trash glory, hoping to score a little vamp blood if Bill can spare any. Lorena tells them to go ahead, suck out whatever's left. She watches as they pounce on him.

At Sam's trailer over coffee, Sam asks his brother again WTF is up with him and Joe Lee. Tommy just says that he hates his dead, who's always drunk and who loses every bit of money they ever have. There's a knock at the door and it's Lindy, having brought a batch of her special corn fritters. She wants a word with Tommy. Sam heads to the bar and the other two start fighting. Tommy wants her to leave Joe Lee; she throws a guilt trip on him, saying it's up to him to make money for the family now since she's hurt her back too badly to "go back into the ring." She tells him that Sam might be blood but he ain't family and all Tommy has are his parents - they have to stick together.

Back in Mississippi, when the sun is fully up Tara climbs carefully out of bed. There's a bunch of medieval weapons conveniently hanging on the wall and she picks out a mace and crushes Franklin's skull with it. GROSS: blood and brains fly everywhere. But I think she should have grabbed an ax or sword and cut his head off instead - he didn't collapse into stringy mush so I don't think she killed him. She thinks she has, however, and grabs some clean clothes and runs out of the room. After she's cleaned the brains out of her hair, she sashays up to the werewolf guarding Sookie's room and tells him that Talbot is serving Sookie's blood tomorrow night, and until then she's supposed to be eating all these almonds. Tara is way wired on Franklin's blood and sells it, convincing the wolf to let her in. Sookie jumps out and between the two of them, they manage to knock the were out and make a run for it. Tara wants to just get the fuck out of there but Sookie insists on finding Bill first. Tara is not inclined to help him, seeing how he ignored her when she asked for his help, but Sookie is adamant. Tara calls her a fuckin' idiot.

OMFG Jason has shown up at Crystal's/the meth dealer's hovel with a bouquet of flowers. Crystal pretends not to know him and tells her meth dealin' fiance to run him off. Jason is confused but leaves without pressing the issue.

Arlene corners Sam at work and complains about him letting his kinfolk have that scary-lookin' pitbull in the rental when she's not allowed to get her kids a hamster. Worried, Sam finds Andy Bellefleur and asks if there's any dog-fighting in the area. Andy says not in his town, but he's heard of some in the neighboring parish. Sam thanks him and takes off.

Tara is racing around the plantation, looking for a getaway car, when she comes face to face with a huge white wolf. She turns and runs, and the wolf runs after her, shifting into NAKED ALCIDE (butt shot!) who promises her he's one of the good guys. "You got a car?" she demands. Meanwhile, Sookie hides as the V-drunk Cooter and Debbie stumble out of the slave quarters, then goes inside. Poor Bill is looking drained and lifeless on the floor. He's not quite dead yet, though, and she fumbles with his chains, not hearing Lorena approach behind her. Lorena picks her up and slams her against the wall, snarling, "This is all your fault!" before sinking her fangs into Sookie's neck. As one does when a vamp is gnawing on your neck, Sookie screams and screams.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Why I'm giving up on Ringer before it even has a chance to get better

2011-09-20T00:26:00.000-04:00

I'm a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan (duh). I was sad when the show ended, although the seven seasons of DVDs (plus five of Angel) keep me in good company should I get the craving. I very much liked Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy - bought into it all the way, even when the character got preachy and speechy in S7. I'm not entirely convinced that SMG is all that great an actor, however (see any time Buffy is supposed to laugh, for example), and her brand new show, Ringer, isn't doing her any favors. Or at least the pilot didn't, and that's all I'm going to officially watch - we need the room in the DVR. I thought Ringer's first episode was slow, the visual effects pretty bad - that boat scene? made the Doublemeat Palace head-snake demon look like extra fancy SFX - and SMG didn't bring enough difference to the twins she plays when both were in the same scene. Pluswhich, during the scene in the loft where the masked man was attacking her, I kept thinking, "Why is she running away? Why isn't she kicking him in the head? Buffy would." Sorry, Ringer, wrong number.

Why did I never see Skins until now?

2011-09-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

Having watched all the available Misfits, with no more in sight until (?) 2012, I was casting about on Hulu looking for another youthful British comedy/drama when I found Skins. I'd heard about it before, of course, and heard about the disastrous American version on MTV (I didn't see it, though, and only know that the uptight/parental reaction to it was disastrous enough to quickly yank it off the air), but I'd never tracked the original series down. Let me tell you, I'm loving it. What is it about British television that is so often so frigging good?

Skins follows a group of high school age friends through their school days and nights of partying, hooking up, clubbing and pubbing, drinking, popping pills, pining away unrequitedly and generally making often bad and always teenagerish decisions. The grownups that appear are buffoons more often than not; it's these kids who take care of each other, even while they're tearing each other up. My favorite is the ethereal Cassie, slightly nuts, anorexic, and in love with Sid. Sid is probably my second favorite - a bit of a dork, completely loyal but not that bright, always in the shadow of his best mate Tony and completely in love with Tony's girlfriend Michelle. The other characters can be synopsized as quickly - Michelle/the pretty girl, Jal/the talented girl, Maxxie/gay boy, Anwar/Muslim boy, Chris/party animal, Tony/charismatic ringleader - but the show does a wonderful job of keeping slight storylines going from episode to episode, and developing these kids' characters without seeming to try.

Hulu has three seasons' worth of Skins available. I'm only up to S1E7 and am thrilled to have so many more to go.

Recent reading (in brief)

2011-09-13T23:57:00.000-04:00

Truly, I used to be a pretty well-read person. Nowadays it's all horror and fantasy and escapist stuff - I must be in a rut. The thing is, I'm finding some good stuff down here in the rut, recent Twilight excursion notwithstanding. For instance:

Sunshine by Robin McKinley - Sunshine has carved out a decent life for herself: a job as head baker for her family's cafe/coffee shop, a light-filled apartment with a mysterious but friendly landlady, a solid relationship with a good, if slightly intimidatingly tattooed, man, and enough charms festooned about to keep the vampires, were-animals and demons away. Until one night she takes a drive out to the lake and is kidnapped by vampires, and chained to a wall next to another vampire, this one starving, and it's still hours away from daylight. In an instant her life is shattered, her understanding of who she herself is irrevocably changed, and she finds herself a soldier in a battle she had no intention of fighting, alongside a creature who is as compelling as he is dangerous. Sunshine ain't no Twi-nonsense. The vampires are extremely vicious and alien creatures, and humans who meet them pretty much don't get to do anything else ever. But this novel is also quite funny, and full of delicious pastries; Sunshine is a good, flawed, evolving character who makes decisions, good and bad, and deal with the consequences. Fun stuff.

Deathnote Vol. I: Boredom, story by Tsugumi Ohba, art by Takeshi Obata - My first foray into manga was the graphic novel Deathnote, translated into English but still read back to front, right to left - it took a little while for my brain to figure out what was going on, but I finally got the hang of it. Japanese schoolboy Light Yagami,, finds a strange notebook on the ground at school: a deathnote, the tool of the Shinigami, death gods. Write a person's name in the deathnote and that person dies, of a heart attack if cause of death is unspecified, but otherwise however it is written. Light is a very smart kid but he's bored; with the guidance of Ryuk, the former owner of the deathnote, Light decides to rid the world of all its evil people - saving the planet, if you will. It doesn't take long for the police to figure out that something is strange - dozens of incarcerated criminals all over the world dying of heart attacks at exactly the same time is weird, for sure - but Light remains one step ahead. This is the first volume of many and I can only imagine how far Light will go. I'm not sure I'm going to keep going with this manga series but the deathnote is an interesting concept, the artwork is good and I did like the story.

Dungeon: The Early Years, art by Christophe Blain, story by Joann Sfar and Lewis Trondheim - This one's a graphic novel translated from the French and are apparently part of a larger Dungeon universe. In The Early Years (as of this post I've read all of Volume 1 and have just started Volume 2), the Dungeon Keeper is reflecting upon his youth, when he was aflame with the pursuit of justice and long-legged women, and took on the secret identity of The Nightshirt to fight bad guys. That all the characters here are anthropomorphic animals - the Keeper is a short, stout sort-of penguin; his nemesis is a green-eyed cat; giant ducks and snails are used for transportation, as well as the more mundane horses and donkeys - makes it all rather hilarious, the derring-do and sword fights and all. Whimsical, funny and yet truly an action-adventure tale - I can't remember how I heard about this one but I'm certainly enjoying it.

True Blood episode recap "Trouble" S3E5

2011-09-13T01:06:00.000-04:00

Mr. Mouse complained after last episode that even though he was in the other room, trying not to pay attention to the television, all he could hear was the screaming. Mr. Mouse is not a fan of screaming. Not that he reads this blog anymore, but there was hardly ANY screaming in this episode.

Talbot and Franklin get a little hissy with each other while Franklin waits to see the King. Wiping the stripper's blood from their chins, Russell, Lorena and Bill get back to the mansion just before things get nasty. Tara's eyes go wide and she moans, "Bill?" hoping that he'll help her. But he totally blows her off. Russell and Franklin retire to the study so Franklin can make his report. Tara begs for help and Bill flat out refuses her.

Franklin shows the King the Stackhouse file he found at Bill's house and Russell pages through it before asking why Franklin is dragging another girl around - he's tired of cleaning up after the Brit. "This girl is spectacularly different," enthuses Franklin, "She's such a fucking disaster - we could be twins!" Russell: "Franklin, you're a HUGE freak. But I like your work." He muses that Sookie got away the last time he sent a wolf after her, maybe he should send Franklin this time. Franklin grins that he doesn't have to go anywhere: Sookie's in Jackson.

Alcide is driving his truck like a mad man down some back road, still riled up from that mass shifting he and Sookie just escaped from. She wants to know more about Russell Edgington - wants to meet him, in fact. "No fucking way!" shouts Alcide, reminding her that Eric wants him to protect her.

Speaking of Eric, he's just arrived at the King's mansion. He is requesting permission to hunt for the missing Bill Compton in Mississippi because Bill is wanted for selling V in Louisiana. Russell's like, "Really? Let's ask him," and Talbot laughs: "He's much too square to sell V." Bill himself saunters in, sneering that it was in fact Eric selling the V at Queen Sophie Ann's behest. Eric backpedals, saying that he lied about Bill because the Master will kill his "progeny" if he doesn't bring Bill back to Louisiana. Russell snarls - he hates the Magister and all the power he has. The King invites Eric to stay the night while he ponders what to do. Eric sips from a martini glass of blood and gives Bill a knowing look.

Sookie is awoken by a loud fight Alcide and Debbie are having in the other room. Alcide is shirtless again - yay! When Sookie comes out of the bedroom, Debbie lunges at her, accusing her of sleeping with "her wolf." Sookie snaps that Debbie's an idiot for leaving Alcide for "a dumb biker who's half the man and half the wolf" Alcide is. Alcide has to hold Debbie back from ripping Sookie's head off. Then Sookie asks Debbie where Bill is. Debbie just thinks, "Who the hell is Bill Compton?" and Sookie's all, rats.

Franklin has dressed poor Tara in a horrible, old-fashioned, high-necked frilly nightgown and tied her to the bed. He whispers crazy sweet nothings to her before hoisting her phone and demanding to know who this Lafayette is who is sending her texts - she said no boyfriends! He pounces on her, choking her, until she finally gasps out that Lafayette is her cousin. Oh, Franklin simpers, love you!

The next morning, Jason shows up at the sheriff's department, ready for his first day of work. This storyline sucks so let's just say Andy sticks him with a desk job, which Jason totally fails at, and then outside washing the squad cars. At least he's shirtless that way.

Sam helps the Mickenses move their van load of broken-down boxes and ripped trash bags into one of his rental cottages. Terry shows up with his own truckload of stuff, ready to move in with Arlene. Sam tells him congratulations and gives him a big hug. Then Sam and Tommy head off to Merlotte's for work.

Sookie overhears Alcide thinking that he'd better consult with the packmaster for guidance. She wants to know what a packmaster is. After he gets annoyed with her for reading his mind, Alcide tells her that a wolfpack isn't a democracy - "wolves ain't that smart - you saw, they're all teeth and fight and sex" - the packmaster makes the big decisions and keeps the other wolves in line. She wants to come with him and he reluctantly allows it, with an adorable little growl and glower. Joe Mangianello ain't that great an actor but I sure do think he's purty.

While Franklin sleeps the day away, Tara loosens the knots with her teeth. She sneaks out of the mansion but doesn't get halfway across the lawn before the werewolves tackle her.

Jesus comes by Merlotte's to see Lafayette: it's his day off, but Lafayette has to work until 11:00 p.m. Jesus says he'll hang 'til then - "It's only nine hours." Lafayette: "Oh lordy." Aw!

When Alcide and Sookie talk to the packmaster, he's blustery but in fact is terrified of Russell and his Nazi werewolves: "He's the fucking King of Mississippi and he's had a pack serving him for centuries!" Sookie overhears the packmaster's thoughts and tells Alcide to let him go, "He can't help us, he's afraid." Alcide touches her shoulder and tells her that he trusts her.

As Jason washes the squad cars, that blonde girl he saw in the woods by the meth dealer's house drives by in a beater pickup. He jumps into one of the squad cars, still shirtless, chasing her down and pulling her over. They flirt and he tries to get her number but she's coy and eventually drives off, leaving him with nothing but her name, "Crystal." He calls after her that he'll be at Merlotte's in an hour.

At Merlotte's, Arlene is bitchy to Jessica so the baby vampire hypnotizes all the people she seats to not tip their waitress. When Hoyt comes in for a date with a tiny, annoying girl, Tommy asks Jessica why she looks sad. She points out Hoyt as her ex and Tommy laughs, "Him? He looks like he got bombed by radiation on his way to middle school!" He tells her that she's a "smokin' hot vampire" and way too good for Hoyt.

That night, Franklin is rather upset that Tara tried to escape. "But you tied me up!" she pleads. "To keep you safe - what other reason could there be?" is his rationale. And then he starts bawling and pounding his head against the wall. Tara's mind races: she apologizes, saying that it's not him she's afraid of, it's all the other vampires here at the King's mansion. "I'll never let them touch you," Franklin promises, deadly serious, folding her into his arms. Tara's eyes are like a trapped wild animal's.

Downstairs, the King asks Bill about that Stackhouse file but Bill disclaims having ever seen it before. Russell's theory is that Bill is trying to unearth Sookie's heritage, thinking there's a payoff somewhere in there. Bill chuckles, saying it's a nice theory, but since it's not his file, he really couldn't say. Cooter interrupts to speak with his boss and Russell sends Bill away. Later, Cooter pays a visit to Bill in his room, saying that Russell has seen through Bill's bullshit, plus they've heard that Sookie is fuckin' a werewolf right here in Jackson! (Debbie can't keep her mouth shut about nothin'.) Bill totally loses his cool, beating up Cooter and pushing a guard vamp's face up against the silver lining the door before running out to find Sookie.

As the evening at Merlotte's wears on, (1) Tommy asks Sam if he can stay with him tonight and Sam is like, okay, but WTF is with you and Joe Lee; (2) Lafayette and Jesus play pool and flirt; and (3) Crystal is outside the bar when Jason walks out, and they take a walk and talk earnestly and smooch and it's BORING. He's smitten, she's secretive and it's clear that she's meant to be a supernatural something or other, white trash notwithstanding, but I just don't care. They almost have sex but she runs off. Whatever.

Russell has an errand to run and asks Eric to keep Talbot company. Talbot gives him a tour of the house and when they get to Russell's collection of ancient arms, a Viking crown send Eric into a flashback: A thousand years ago, Eric was a wastrel prince, fucking his way through the serving wenches while his king father wished he'd straighten up. One night, wolves attacked the castle, killing everyone - Eric's father, mother and baby sibling. Eric manages to kill one of the wolves and it turns into a naked man, with Russell's brand on his neck. Another wolf takes the crown from Eric's father's head and takes it to a cloaked figure. The figure tells Eric not to be a hero and walks off into the mist, taking the crown with him. The accent is different, but the voice is Russell's.

That night, Joe Lee comes drunk off his ass to Sam's trailer, pounding on the door and bellowing for Sam to give Tommy back. Sam throws his ass out and looks at his little brother, "WTF was that?"

Franklin finds Tara in the mansion's dining room, staring at a bowl of day lilies that the house vamps have brought her to eat. After he chases off the guard, Tara looks at him and tells him that they have to talk. Franklin: "Don't say that. Women say that and everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts." Heh - I think I love Franklin, even though he is a bugfuck crazy psychopath. But Tara assures him that she is really into him. He says he'll take her somewhere nice tonight to celebrate her last night as a human - he's going to turn her. "Will you be my vampire bride?" he asks, kissing her hand. Tara looks like she's about to lose her mind.

Bill finds Sookie at Alcide's apartment. She throws herself into his arms and he embraces her, but tells her that she has to get out of here and fast. But it is too late: Russell and his henchmen have arrived. The henchmen immobilize Alcide and Bill and Cooter goes after Sookie. She back up a little and then that white light flashes out of her hands, throwing the werewolf across the room. Bill and Alcide goggle and Russell just throws his head back and laughs, "Fantastic!!!"

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "9 Crimes" (S3E4)

2011-09-08T00:57:00.001-04:00

Note: I should mention how much fun the actor who plays Russell Edgington, King of Mississippi, seems to be having. Denis O'Hare is a Tony Award-winning stage actor who's had steady television work over the last few years. He is a friggin' hoot, playing the vampire King with relish and gusto. Also noteworthy is James Frain, who plays Franklin Mott, a former Royal Shakespearean actor who is fearlessly embracing the gory and gothic camp of this ol' vampire show. Good casting, HBO.

After the bar fight, Sookie and Alcide go back to his apartment WHERE HE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF OMFG and she cleans his wounds. She tells him that those weres were hopped up on V, and it was Bill's blood to boot ("So I know it's strong," she flutters.). Alcide is disgusted by the thought of werewolves drinking vampire blood. Then Sookie gets a call on her call: it's Bill. He tells her that he has left Bon Temps and is leaving her. "Shut the fuck up," she says and reminds him that he just asked her to marry him. He tells her that he's just fucked Lorena - who sits behind him on the bed, sipping a glass of blood and giggling - and didn't have to hold back like he does with Sookie. This makes poor Sookie start to cry. Bill tells her that they were doomed from the start and she needs to stop trying to find him, as he does not wish to be found. After they hang up, Sookie refuses to accept what she's just heard, although she does take a moment to cry on Alcide's broad, muscular, bare shoulder.

Back in Bon Temps, Sam runs out of the bar and finds the Mickens's van parked out back in the trees: they got evicted from their hovel in Arkansas. Sam's mama, Lindy, promises that they'll leave as soon as Tommy gets back.

Franklin asks a still-entranced Tara about Sookie. He tells her to find out where exactly in Jackson she is, so Tara calls Sookie and Franklin provides the words for her to say. After the phone call, Tara tries to make a run for it. The vampire pounces on her and chomps down on her neck. Tara screams.

At the King's mansion, Lorena claims that the broken-neck sex with Bill was the best she's had in decades. Bill is glad one of them enjoyed it and throws her out of his room.

As he watches the new Fangtasia dancer writhe around on her stripper pole, Eric has a very detailed fantasy about Sookie. I gotta say, Alexander Skarsgard and Anna Paquin have way more chemistry than she and Stephen Moyer do.

In the morning, Alcide calls Sookie a doormat when she still wants to find Bill, at least so he'll break up with her to her face. She tells the werewolf that she wants to go to that were engagement party tonight to try to learn more. Alcide gets mad, telling her that his debt to Eric is paid and he does not want to get messed up in her life. Some time later, Sookie has called Alcide's big sister, Janice the beautician, to come by the apartment and give her a makeover so she'll fit in at Lou Pine's bar (not LuPine's as previously recapped). Janice, an Amazon with dreads, tats and fierce eyeliner, proclaims Sookie "cute and sweet!" and just what her baby brother needs to get over that bitch Debbie. Sookie reads Janice's mind and learns that the "engagement party" is really Debbie's induction into Cooter's crazy Nazi wolfpack.

Oh dear. Franklin has left Tara in the cheap motel room, gagged, tied up and perched on the toilet. That night, he brings her flowers, wanting to know if she missed him. "I can't stop thinking about you," he says earnestly, "...we have so much ahead of us!" He kisses her. Tara is terrified and rightly so, because dude is effing crazy.

Because Arlene is freaking out about being the only current Merlotte's employee at the front of the house, Sam hires Jessica to hostess. She wants to wait tables but he tells her that she has to be eighteen to serve alcohol in Louisiana. She fumes that's unfair - she'll never be eighteen. He hands her some menus and asks, nicely enough, if she can handle it. "I'm a vampire," she snaps, "Not a fuckin' idiot."

When Alcide comes home from work, he is impressed with what Janice has wrought: black pageboy wig, leather halter and pants, fake tattoos and eyeliner all over the place. She looks good. Sookie tells him about Debbie's upcoming induction and her addiction to V, knowing that this will convince Alcide to come with her to the party.

King Russell asks Bill how long he worked for Queen Sophie Ann (25 years) and in what capacity (procurer). Bill asks if, once he fulfills his duties for the King, Lorena will be gone. Russell's all, hmm, maybe. Bill then tells the King that Eric has been selling V at Sophie Ann's behest to settle her debts. Russell finds this tidbit of information all kinds of delightful and announces that they're going to celebrate.

Back in Louisiana, Lafayette visits some local meth dealers to try to convince them to move some V in addition to their regular product. The head guy is not interested and his cronies start poking around in Lafayette's fancy new car. When he objects, the thugs start to pound on him until Eric swoops in and, by nearly ripping out the head meth guy's throat, convinces them that they do, in fact, want to sell that V. The meth dealers scurry away and Eric cocks an eyebrow at Lafayette, "Come on, RuPaul, let's go." In the car, Eric gets a call from a nervous Pam: Fangtasia is being raided, not by the police but by the Magister. She says they're looking for the V - the Queen set them up/sold them out.

Franklin now has Tara in his car, driving to Mississippi where his employer is located - Franklin must work for the King, right? When she objects to being bitten and tied up, he says, "I'm not a bad guy, Tara, I just want us to have a chance." Untie my hands, says Tara, and I"ll give you a chance. Franklin is such a freak. He tells her how lonely he's been, but now that she's with him, all that has changed. Tara is realizing that she's in really deep shit right now.

Sam finds Tommy out in the woods (after Terry says that he's seen the Mickenses, still in the parking lot but now grilling). His little brother wants to know why he even looked them up in the first place. Sam just wanted to know what he lost, family-wise. He tells Tommy that he's got a chance: if he wants to live with Sam, he can. Tommy says no, those people are fucked up but he's all they've got. He won't be free of them until they're dead. Sam goes with Tommy to see Joe Lee and Lindy. He tells them that he'll get them a place to live but no more stealin' and no more drinkin'. They think they can handle that. I am unconvinced.

I was right: Franklin and Tara go right into the King's mansion. Talbot doesn't like the British vamp and tells Franklin that Russell is out. Franklin says they'll wait. Talbot checks Tara out: "Is it for me? It's skinny." and sashays away. Franklin gives a frightened Tara a wink. Is she ever going to be anything but a victim on this show?

At Lou Pine's, no one is bothering the disguised Sookie, although one of Cooter's packmates wants her to do a tequila shot. No, thanks, says Sookie, and the were thinks, "She looks familiar ... did I bang her?" So Sookie grabs the shot and shouts, "I mean, fuck yeah!" The pack hoots and hollers and hands her more shots. A scruffy-looking, big-haired redhead in a leather jacket and bikini top comes up, gives Sookie the once-over and sneers, "Who the fuck are you?" Alcide steps up: "She's with me, Debbie."

Russell's limo pulls up outside a strip club: the king is in the mood for "something ethnic" and since Bill used to be a procurer, sends him in to procure a girl. Meanwhile, Russell tells Lorena that he has a quick errand to attend to. Inside the strip club, Bill picks out a nice dark-haired stripper with real boobs and glamours her quickly. He checks to see if she's married or has kids or family who will miss her. She answers no to all of the above, plus has a pretty bleak outlook on life anyway, so he leads her outside.

Eric flies back to Fangtasia to find the Magister torturing poor Pam with silver implements. He says he was framed. The Magister wants to know who was selling the V. Pam screams again and again and finally shouts Bill's name. Eric: "It's true, he's gone missing and I believe he's behind this." The Magister gives Eric two days to bring Bill to him or he'll kill Pam.

Debbie is a friggin' trainwreck, white trash and hopped up on V. She calls Sookie a skank with whom Alcide is trying to make her jealous. Sookie looks Deb up and down and says, "Skank? Well, comin' from you, that's just funny." Then Cooter sleazes up and says it's time. The crowd of weres strips Deb to her bra and g-string and hands her up onto the stage. Then Russell walks out and all the weres fall to their knees as he addresses them in German (?) and bites into his own arm. He fills a bunch of shot glasses with his own blood and then leaves. The crowd gets more rowdy. They brand Debbie with the Nazi mark and as she screams and cries, things get even crazier. Cooter strips down and shifts into his wolf, and the crowd starts howling and shifting too. It affects Alcide: he turns and looks at Sookie, eyes all yellow and wolfy, and barks at her to run.

In another part of Jackson, Bill has picked up on Sookie's sudden burst of fear as he leads the stripper to the limo. He just pauses, however, then follows her in. Lorena and Russell waste no time biting into the poor screaming girl, and soon, at the King's invitation, Bill joins in the feasting as well.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "It Hurts Me Too" (S3E3)

2011-09-05T22:04:00.001-04:00

Sookie fires Terry's gun as the werewolf charges. Eric jumps in front of the wolf, catching the bullet, because dead werewolves can't talk. (I'm guessing Sookie doesn't have silver bullets so I'm guessing that in this world, regular bullets kill weres.) The were sees Eric bleeding and shifts into his nekkid human form, hoping to slurp up some V fresh from the source. The vampire holds him off, demanding to know who his master is. The wolf won't tell, saying he's dead if he does (although Sookie picks "Jackson" out of his mind). Eric's like, okay, and savages the were's neck. Sookie looks on, all OMG, as the dying were's blood spreads across her living room rug. Afterwards, she pouts a little that Eric didn't let her hear more of the were's thoughts but does thank him for saving her life. She decides that she needs to get to Jackson, Mississippi, right away to track down Bill. Eric rolls her eyes and tells her to try to stay out of trouble.

Russell puts out the flames on Lorena using some priceless, ancient tapestry, sending Talbot into conniption fits. Bull sulks as the King tells him that he and Lorena are going to have to get along if they're both going to be in his court. They chat for a bit, the King inquiring about Bill's relationship with Sookie, and then the King sends Bill to bed.

In the aftermath of the Drunken Redneck Beatdown in Merlotte's parking lot, Tara and the British vamp are at a cheap motel, having extremely weird/intense sex. She cries for him to bite her but he pulls in his fangs, saying he won't do it if she wants him to. That's twisted. He flips her over and the weird/intense sex continues. Afterwards, they cuddle a little, Tara amazingly relaxed, until he starts to ask her about herself. She jumps out of bed and throws her clothes on. Bemused, the vamp tells her his name - Franklin - and asks hers, but she runs out, thanking him for the evening.

Sam makes his way back to the Mickens's hovel, a little cranky about Tommy almost getting him killed. He tells his family that he's going back to Bon Temps and just wanted to say goodbye to them.

At the Stackhouse-Fortenberry bachelor pad, Hoyt scoffs a little about Jason's new found dream of becoming a copy. He tries to help Jason go through the online practice test - Jason goes 0 for 22 - but he's distracted by thoughts of Jessica. Jason tells him that he just needs to move on.

Pam has her head buried between Fangtasia's newest dancer's legs when her phone rings. Super-annoyed, she answers. It's Jessica, freaking out because the dead trucker in her basement has disappeared. Pam's like, let's see, you DON'T have a body in your basement and that's a PROBLEM? She hangs up on the baby vampire and muff-dives back in.

Sookie swings by Merlotte's to let Sam know she's going to Jackson for a few days. He tells her about reuniting with his family and she brings him up to speed on Eggs's being shot in the parking lot. Sam: I guess I'm glad there's only one bar in town. She asks him to keep an eye on Jessica while she's gone and he threatens to give the vamp her job if she doesn't come back soon.

Arlene goes to the doctor and confirms that she is pregnant. Trouble is, she's too far along (nine weeks at least) for the baby to be Terry's. So whose? Rene's? Someone from the Maryann orgies? When she tries to tell Terry, he assumes it's his and is so overjoyed that she just lets him believe it. Meanwhile, the coroner - who apparently doubles as a funeral director - calls Tara to tell her that Eggs's funeral is today. She runs to the cemetery and is saddened to see no one else there. But Sookie is there - she paid for the funeral - and she holds Tara while they bury Eggs. The camera pans back to an old gravestone: Thomas Compton.

Flashback to 1888. Bill strides through the night to his home. His wife, Carolann, is inside, terrified and alone. She cries to see him because the war ended three years ago and when she didn't hear anything, she assumed he was dead. She's additionally sad because their young son Thomas has just died from the pox. Bill falls to his knees by the tiny coffin. He cries and his tears are of blood because Lorena has already turned him. Carolann struggles to understand this ... and then she runs for it, but Lorena catches her at the door. Bill tries to calm his hysterical wife and Lorena just rolls her eyes, telling him that he's not helping things. In the King of Mississippi's guest room, Bill wakes up from this remembrance/dream and falls back against the pillows, panting.

Jason has a nightmare about taking the policemen's exam with no pants on. He's dozed off while on his road crew job. When Lafayette wakes him up, he apologizes, saying he's got a lot on his mind. Lafayette: "Yeah? Well, that must be somethin' new." Then Hoyt starts screeching because the road crew just found a dead body in a culvert, headless and handless. From the plaid flannel shirt it's wearing, I'm guessing this is Jessica's dead trucker. Soon, Bon Temps entire police force is there - Sheriff Bud, Andy, Kenya and some other nerdy guy - staring at the latest dead body. Bud announces that he's quitting: "43 years of this and what do I have to show for it? Gaps in my brain and polyps in my ass. I don't need this horsehit!" He throws down his badge and stomps off.

Sookie goes back home and drags the living room rug out onto the porch. As she scrubs at it, a figure moves behind her and she hears a growly voice think, "Must be her, blonde and pretty, no wonder the girl is a magnet for trouble." She whirls and shrieks and runs from a very large, extremely attractive bearded man. He grabs her and tells her that it's okay, his name is Alcide Herveaux and Eric sent him to help her. And yes, he's a werewolf. A short time later over tea, Alcide tells her that he knows the pack she's sniffing after and she's going to need his help because they're a mean gang, a new gang in town. Werewolves had lived in Jackson for 200 years without humans knowing it, but this new group - they're wicked bad news. Plus, his ex-girlfriend is currently banging their leader.

Those white trash Mickenses have found their way from Arkansas to Sam's bar, much to his surprise and barely concealed dismay. He sits them down in a booth and says he's buying them lunch.

Having fallen back asleep, Bill dreams/flashbacks some more. Carolann is in shock. Lorena chides Bill and reminds him that the human world and the vampire world cannot coexist. Carolann begs him to kill her, to release her from her suffering. Instead, he glamours his wife so she won't remember him. Later that night, Bill buries his son. Lorena tells him that truly the only way he can show his love for a human is to stay away ... forever. We know where this is going, right? He's going to break up with Sookie for her own protection.

Downstairs in the King's mansion, Cooter is all worked up because the wolf he sent to Bon Temps after Sookie hasn't gotten back yet. Talbot smirks that all the werewolves are dumber than a box of rocks. Cooter appeals to his king: "Sir, that's unfair." Talbot: "To boxes ... or rocks." Heh. Russell chides his companion and asks him to offer Cooter some refreshment. Talbot stands and arches an eyebrow at the were: "Zima, correct?" Double heh. Talbot and Pam should have their own spin-off, or at least a snark contest. Lorena sniffs that Eric Northman may have interfered with the wolf who was sent after Sookie. Then Bill strolls in and pompously announces that he has considered the King's offer: for the safety of the humans he lives amongst, as well as for his own safety, he renounces his loyalty to the Queen of Louisiana and swear fealty to the King of Mississippi. Lorena is miffed because she wanted to chew on Sookie but Russell, pleased with Bill's decision, tells her to stow it.

Sometime that night, a blaring car horn wakes Lafayette up. It's Eric, in a fancy red convertible. Lafayette says that he still needs more time to move the V but Eric cuts him off, apologizing for Pam's menacing behavior and offering the car as a gift to his best salesman.

At Merlotte's, Sam catches Joe Lee trying to give Tommy shots of booze and kicks them all out. Later, after he's gone to bed, an alarm wakens him because someone has broken into the bar. He catches Tommy trying to break into the safe but his little brother just turns into a hawk and flies out the broken window.

Franklin pays Jessica a visit. He's got her dead trucker's head in a shopping bag. He points out that since he helped her with her dead body problem, perhaps she could answer a few questions about Bill Compton for him. That guy is one creepy-ass mofo.

Alcide brings Sookie to LuPine's, the oldest werewolf bar in Mississippi. It's a biker bar and she's wearing a lacy white top; when she asks the bouncer (who seems to be chummy with Alcide) if she's dressed inappropriately, he tells her that she looks like dinner. She and Alcide split up and she sashays over to the Nazi wolf gang that Alcide points out to her. She gets them going a bit by saying Fangtasia is much scarier than this bar, plus what could possibly be stronger and tougher than a vampire, until one of the weres who kidnapped Bill drags her off into a back room. She can't get him to think or say anything more about Bill so she screams until Alcide bursts in to rescue her. There's a small bar fight, and Alcide gets his ass kicked until the bouncer breaks it up. Afterwards, the bouncer tells Alcide that his ex, Debbie, is getting engaged to Cooter and the party is at LuPine's tomorrow night. Alcide just shakes his head, sad.

Back in Bon Temps, Franklin has tracked Tara to Sookie's house. She is shocked that he found and knows her name now - all thanks to Jessica. She refuses to invite him in so he glamours her and gets his invitation that way. Dude is sooooo sketchy.

At King Russell's mansion, Lorena lets herself in to Bill's bedroom. When she mocks him for tricking the King into believing he'd give up Sookie, he reminds her that it was she who taught him that loving humans means hurting them. He throws her up against the wall, growling that she's won., depriving him of his home and his humanity. She kisses him and he hurls her onto the bed, ripping off her dress and thrusting himself savagely into her. As they fuck, he twists her head around, breaking her neck, until she is facing backwards, and still she laughs and coos and tells him how much she loves him. Horrified (me too, actually), Bill pulls back from her, clutches his head and screams.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

True Blood episode recap "Beautifully Broken" (S3E2)

2011-09-02T01:57:00.000-04:00

Bill frigging shreds the werewolf pack, killing one, amputating the leg of a second and ripping the ear off a third. Before he can go after the last whole wolf, a vampire fop on a white horse comes riding up. Bill bows low, intoning, "Your Majesty." The Vampire King of Mississippi tut-tuts the remaining werewolves, who were to have escorted Bill to his mansion, not snacked on him on the way. The wolf leader, Cooter (hee!), is awfully cranky about the evisceration Bill has inflicted on his pack but the King reminds him who's boss around here by shooting his last pack member, who goes down with a yelp even though he was in naked human form. The King has Bill mount up behind him on the horse (not a euphemism) and they ride off into the night, leaving Cooter to stare disconsolately around at the pieces of his pack. On the plus side, Cooter the naked werewolf is a fine figure of a man, so there's that.

Lafayette bursts into the bathroom and digs the pills out of Tara's mouth, forcing her to vomit them up into the toilet. Lettie Mae comes in and starts shouting about Jesus. Lafayette picks up his cousin, yells at his aunt that she's failed her daughter for the last time and tells her to get the fuck up out his way so he can take Tara to the hospital.

At Fantasia, Sookie shows Eric a picture of the Nazi werewolf brand they found on the dead were's neck. Eric seems to recognize the brand but claims not to, and warns Sookie away from the werewolves, saying they're brutal, secretive and territorial - and if they're involved in Bill's abduction, they'll kill her for sure. Sookie reminds him that she risked her life to help him find Godric - "Bill Compton is no Godric!" snarls Eric - so she would hope that he would at least help her a little here. She starts to cry which makes Eric uncomfortable enough to flashback to WWII: he and Godric are dressed as German soldiers and come across a Nazi girl werewolf feeding on a U.S. soldier. The girl wolf has the same brand as the guy Sookie found. Eric and Godric kill the Nazi werewolf girl, after they learn that her "master" is another vampire. Eric is particularly irate about a vampire consorting with werewolves and Godric promises that they'll find him.

Note: True Blood werewolves seem to be a variety of shapeshifters who only shift into big wolves, who look like wolves not monsters like movie werewolves so often do, whereas shapeshifters like Sam Merlotte can shift into any animal they please. Can Sam shift into a wolf as well? Seems to me like the shapeshifters have the better deal - or at least a more interesting one - than the werewolves.

Meanwhile, in the ladies' room, Jessica asks Pam how to snack on humans without killing them. Pam tells her to stop when she hears the heartbeat slow down. "But how do you stop?" wonders Jessica. Pam: "I think about cryin' babies with soggy diapers." Then Jessica wants to know what she should do if she can't stop in time. Theoretically, of course.

Russell, the Vampire King of Mississippi, brings Bill to his swanky home where his consort, Talbot, a rather fey vampire, flits around and gets Bill cleaned up for dinner. Bill believes he's being held captive but Russell tells him to just wait until he's heard his business proposal. They close Bill into his silver-lined guest room and Talbot tells the King that he thinks Bill is going to be a challenge. Russell nods and says he thinks he might have to bring in "the girl."

Tara begs Lafayette not to take her to the hospital, saying she's okay since she threw up all the pills. She's so sad, saying that the one time she thought she was happy she "was a fuckin' zombie." Lafayette tells her that she has to deal with her problems, same as everyone else does, and she is not allowed to check out early and leave him here alone. He starts the car, saying that they're going to get something to eat and then there's something he's got to show her.

Sookie takes Jessica home as it's nearly sunrise. Hoyt is there on the porch, waiting for Jessica. He's brought a six-pack of Tru-Blood, B+, thinking that she might be hungry. He says he's sorry for not taking better care of her. She's stressed about the dead body in her basement and she snaps that it's in her nature to be bad, so he can't help her and shouldn't try. She runs in the house, crying; Hoyt leans his head against the closed door, sniffling a little himself. Jessica goes to the basement door and looks at the dead guy: he looks awful, and smells worse, but she climbs down next to him to sleep the day away.

At her own home, Sookie is surprised by Jason and knees him in the "family junk" before she realizes it's her brother. When he can get his breath back, he says he's here to help her clean up the house in Maryann's aftermath. As they clean and scrub, she tells him about the werewolves and how frustrated she is by not being able to do anything to find Bill. Jason offers to talk to Andy Bellefleur to see if there's anything they can do to help.

In the morning, Sam is awakened from sleeping in his truck by a shotgun in his face. Tommy Mickens brings him into the house where Sam gets to meet his birth mother (shapeshifter) and father (regular guy). Tommy, Sam's brother, is also a shifter - and they are all of them wicked white trash. His mom says that she gave him up when she was sixteen, hoping to get him a better life. Sam says well, okay, better until he turned 15 and shifted and didn't know WTF was happening to him. Tommy's like, and neither of you thought to tell me that I had a brother? Later, Sam finds Tommy out working on an old car. They play a bit of "whose life is more fucked" until Sam says, "Okay, if it means that much to you, you win." And they decide to shift and go for a run to work off some steam. Sam shifts into his adorable collie mix; Tommy rolls his eyes and shifts into a stocky pitbull.

When Sookie goes to Merlotte's for her shift, she hears the thoughts of a skulking man who wants to grab her. He bolts without attacking her, however, startled by Terry Bellefleur's arrival. Terry helps Sookie search in the woods but all they find are footprints, both man and wolf, and the guy's clothes. When he sees that Sookie is determined to track down that guy, Terry gives her a gun and tells her that he would be sad if she got killed. Sookie smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

Lafayette has brought Tara to a mental hospital and she is freaking out, thinking he's going to try to commit her against her will. But no, they're here to see Lafayette's mother, played by Alfre Woodard (!), who's a little bit crazy and a whole lot racist. Tara is shocked and stunned to see her aunt like this (she didn't know?), and now understands Lafayette, and their family, a little bit better after the encounter.

Jessica is on the phone with the Bon Temps hardware store, renting a chainsaw per Pam's advice. She takes money from the dead guy's wallet to pay for it.

Back at the Mississipp mansion, King Russell, Talbot and Bill are dressed for dinner. The first course is blood from a human who ate nothing but tangerines for weeks, according to Talbot. Russell's proposal is this: he wants Bill to be his Sheriff because he's just about to attempt to join the Louisiana and Mississippi territories by marrying Queen Sophie Ann. Bill is skeptical and says he has no interest in being sheriff.

The collie and the pitbull run and run. The pit pauses on a road and just when the collie joins him, a truck comes screaming down the road. The pitbull changes into a hawk and flies away; the collie lunges for the ditch, changing into a panting nekkid Sam.

Someone in creepy black cowboy boots lets himself into Bill and Jessica's house and starts rummaging through Bill's office, finding photos of Sookie.

Meanwhile, at Sookie's house, she waits in the dark with Terry's gun. Eric shows up, noting that a werewolf came for her today. He tells her that he and Godric had been hunting that vampire-led wolf pack for decades. He also tells her that since the werewolves are now coming for her, he's going to help. He tells her to invite him in so he can protect her - or have "passionate, primal sex" with her, whichever.

Lafayette brings Tara to Merlotte's because he's got a shift. She parks herself behind the bar, depressed. A pale British vampire comes in and chats her up. She serves him a TruBlood and leaves. The camera pans back and we see that the Brit vamp is the wearer of the creepy black boots. Back at Bill's, Jessica fires up her rented chainsaw ... but the dead guy is gone from her basement. Quoth Jessica: "Shit! Fuck!!"

Andy is driving a medium-drunk Jason home from Merlotte's in a squad car (Jason: "I never got to sit in the front before!") when a call comes in. While the deputies are tussling with the local meth dealers, Jason (1) sees a pretty blonde girl in the trees who runs off (never good in Bon Temps) and then (2) tackles an escaping drug dealer.

Tara sits outside Merlotte's, sucking on a bottle of Wild Turkey, when a couple of drunkass rednecks come out and start pissing on the spot where Eggs was killed. The Brit vamp darts up and holds the rednecks so Tara can beat the crap out of them. She is sobbing as she does so; the vampire gets so turned on his fangs pop out.

At the end of the King's dinner, Lorena saunters into the dining room, the usual smug smirk on her face. Bill jumps up, grabs an oil lamp and throws it at her. She screams and falls to the floor, burning.

Eric hears something inside Sookie's house and insists that she invite him in. The two of them go inside and there's a huge, snarling, slavering wolf coming at them. Eric's fangs pop out and he snarls gleefully. The werewolf jumps and Sookie fires Terry's gun.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Mini book review: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

2011-08-30T00:06:00.000-04:00

Yeah, okay, I read it. And while I didn't hate it, I truly don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it can't hold a candle to The Hunger Games. It's a love story, more than anything, which I find boring. Edward as a vampire is interesting enough and dangerous enough - except for the fact that he friggin' SPARKLES and since when do vampires play baseball? - but the main flaw in this book is the heroine. Bella is just such a doormat. She has no personality except to moon over Edward and by the middle of the book, he is her total reason for existence. She's supposedly beautiful and smart, and her uber-clumsiness is obviously meant to give her some character (but it's just completely stupid and unbelievable), but there's nothing to her. As a character she is so uninteresting that I find it extremely difficult to believe that Edward would find her at all interesting, regardless of how yummy she smells.

I guess after my regular diet of Buffy Summers and Katniss Everdeen and Flora Segunda and Clary Whatshername and Dorothy Gale and all those other urban fantasy/horror heroines who actually think for themselves and make decisions and act on their own behalf have ruined me, because I find Bella Swan just so boring.

And did I mention the vampires SPARKLE? I call bullshit on that too. Now I'm going to have to see the goddamn movie to see how that comes off. Grrrrr.

Rats

2011-08-25T00:11:00.000-04:00

Dang it, y'all. I was really psyched to jump into the True Blood recaps for you, but this week is just getting away from me and now I don't think I'm going to be able to have another one up for days now. I'm sorry. Once I get my life back on schedule, I promise that we'll roll right through them. Of course we will - I love this trashy, campy show!

(In the meantime, I am embarrassed to say that I have started reading Twilight. I swore I never would - vampires should NOT be sparkly - but since I am such a devourer of YA supernatural/fantasy fiction, I realized that to be complete I'd need to at least read the first one. I am totally prepared to hate it, however, and I haven't hated a book in quite some time so we may get a rant out of this.)

So, check back here next week and we'll laissez le Bon Temps rouler, so to speak!

True Blood episode recap "Bad Blood" (S3E1)

2011-08-23T10:30:00.002-04:00

I cannot tell you how glad I am to be back in Bon Temps! And there's a lot going on in this Season 3 opener, as the show tries to remind us of where we left off and reintroduce us to everyone. So let's dive in, shall we?

Sookie runs screaming out of the restaurant, shrieking for Bill. Sam drives through the night to Magnolia, Arkansas, heading for the address of his birth parents. Jason rushes home from Merlotte's, panicked from shooting Eggs, and heads straight for his fridge full of beer. Tara crouches at dead Eggs's side, sobbing as Andy Bellefleur covers the body with a sheet. Jessica has brought her snacked-upon trucker home with her but is surprised to find the bouquet of flowers Hoyt left for her on the porch. Bill has been kidnapped by four really sketchy looking, leather-wearing rednecks who introduce themselves as "the Fuck-You Crew." Then they poke at him with knifes and Bill screams us into the opening credits.

Deputy Kenya interviews Sookie. She is more than a little skeptical that the vampire has been kidnapped - perhaps he just ran off after Sookie rejected his marriage proposal. She tells a frustrated Sookie that they have to wait 48 hours before filing a missing persons report.

At Merlotte's, Sheriff Bud is taking witness statements. Andy watches nervously, waiting for his turn since it was his idea to say he shot Eggs, to protect Jason Stackhouse. Arlene yammers on and on and Tara snaps at her to stop sucking up to the sheriff. "Oh shit," groans Lafayette, watching his cousin ramp herself up. Arlene tries to pacify Tara: "I know you feel bad falling in love with a serial killer ... but seriously, who here hasn't?" Heh. Tara screams that Eggs wasn't a serial killer and lunges towards the tiny redhead, so Lafayette grabs her and tells the sheriff that he's taking Tara to Sookie's house, "and we're also taking this here tequila, but I doubt that'd surprise any of y'all."

At Bill's house, Jessica has fed off her trucker too much. She hears a car pull up outside - "Fuck!" - and stashes him in the crawlspace where she sleeps. Sookie comes bursting into the house, looking for Bill. She asks Jessica to call her and tell her if Bill comes home, even if he commands her not to. "Uh, you know I can't do that," quavers Jessica but Sookie insists and flounces out. Jessica: "Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit!" She is rapidly becoming one of my favorite characters, y'all. She checks on her trucker who seems to have expired in the meantime, or is at least close to it, so she desperately tries to feed him her own blood to turn him.

The Fuck-You Crew are rapidly draining Bill of his own blood, getting higher than high off the rush. Bill doesn't look too good and points out that if their boss wants him alive, they'd better slow up or they'll kill him.

Andy swings by Jason's house and tells him that he has to stick to the plan and act normal, which means that he needs to get out there and get a whole bunch of tail, because that's normal for Jason: "Conscience off; dick on!" That's an excellent t-shirt slogan, don't you think?

Sookie's next stop on the find-Bill tour is Fangtasia. When she demands to see Erik immediately, a smirking Pam leads her to the basement where our first glimpse of him is nekkid, from behind, banging the bejeezus out of the club's new dancer. He saunters up to Sookie and she makes a point of not checking him out. She wants to know where Lorena is, thinking that if Erik doesn't have Bill, Lorena probably does. Erik sighs, agreeing to search for Bill since he's duty-bound to help vamps in his jurisdiction as the sheriff. Later, after Sookie has gone, Erik starts to get stressed out. Pam thinks he should call Queen Sophie Ann and tell her about Bill's disappearance. Erik thinks that is a particularly bad idea since the Queen will not be happy that the one vampire that can link her with the sale of V in Louisiana has gone missing. Pam's all, fine, whatever.

Bill has decided to take matters into his own hands, snapping the neck of the driver so that the car crashes, rolling several times. The vampire pulls himself out of the wreckage; other than the dead driver, there don't seem to be any other bodies. That's curious. As Bill staggers into the underbrush, he calls Jessica - which wakes her up, but she doesn't realize what just happened and just stares glumly at the still-dead trucker next to her.

Sookie goes home next, where Tara and Lafayette are indulging in tequila and painkillers. They tell her what happened to Eggs and Sookie relays how he had come to her, asking for help remembering what he did under Maryann's control. Tara is furious - "You signed his death warrant!" - and takes a swing at her best friend. Lafayette drags her off and then drags her out, apologizing to a gobsmacked Sookie.

Sam is moping around his motel room when there's a knock at the door. It's a shirtless and dirty Bill, who asks if he can use Sam's shower and borrow a shirt. Sam's all, I didn't really pack anything but I'll give you this one, and when he takes the shirt off, Bill nods appreciatively, breathing, "Nice." Sam blushes and Bill asks if he'd care to join him in the shower (yes, Sam thinks he would) as he's heard that Arkansas water is very hard. They lean in towards each other - squee! - and then Sam's phone rings, waking him up. DAMN! The woman on the other end of the line apologizes for waking him but Sam mutters that he's really glad she did. She has information on the Mickens family he's looking for: seems they own a garage on the far side of town.

Jason and Hoyt work their roadcrew job. Hoyt beats around the bush and finally asks Jason if he can crash with him for a while since Maxine tossed him out. Aw, roomies! On the other side of town, Lafayette has gotten Lettie Mae to come over to watch Tara while he goes to work, since Tara "ain't right to be alone right now." Lettie Mae has Reverend Daniels come by to preach at/talk to Tara, but from the look on Tara's face, I don't really think it's sinking in. Sookie stops by the sheriff's office to ask for his help in finding Bill but Sheriff Bud already has human bodies stacking up like firewood and can't waste the department's limited resources looking for vampires. Sookie gets all self-righteous and flounces out. She does a lot of that, flouncing.

Sam goes to the garage but the kid working there says his name isn't Mickens - that guy left town months ago. Sam doesn't believe him but doesn't press the issue, instead leaving his full name and taking his leave. That night, after the garage closes, Sam follows the kid home. He checks the mail in the mailbox: Mickens.

When Jessica wakes up that evening, she gags from the smell from the dead guy lying next to her. She runs to get the phone - it's Hoyt, calling from Merlotte's to say he misses her. She's happy to hear from him but distractedly says she can't talk right now and hangs up on him. Hoyt goes back to the booth where Jason is entertaining a couple of roadtripping twins from New York State. Without breaking a sweat, he manages to get both girls back to his place. Hoyt isn't sure he's up for it, what with missing Jessica and all, but Jason isn't having any of that: "Hoyt, if we're gonna be roommates, there's a certain amount of pussy overflow you're gonna have to be dealin' with." Ha!

As soon as it's dark again, Bill digs himself out from the patch of dirt he was sleeping in. He looks rough and in need of blood. He finds a house with a lonely old lady inside. She invites him in and he feeds. Later, she is still alive and he glamours her, giving her money that he says is from her son and telling her that he was never here. He also thanks her for her hospitality, because he's a polite vampire.

The Queen and the Magister arrive at Fangtasia and toss everyone out of the club so they can talk with Erik. The Magister is investigating the rampant sale of V in Louisiana. He believes that a vampire must be responsible for dealing the drug. Erik promises to look into it. The Magister departs, leaving Erik and Sophie Ann to rehash. Erik doesn't think the Magister believed them so the Queen commands him to sell their entire supply of V - at half price, if he needs to - as soon as possible since she needs the cash. He tells her that Bill is missing but she doesn't care. She just wants the money - the IRS is leaning on her.

Pam runs errands: delivering the $10,000 to Sookie that Erik owed her for helping him find Godric. While she's at Sookie's house, she gets a call from Erik, which makes her come over all shivery. Sookie's all, hmm, can Bill call Jessica like that? Pam heads to Merlotte's next where she gets wicked scary as she instructs Lafayette to sell every last bit of V by tomorrow.

Sookie goes back to Bill and Jessica's and asks her if Bill has called. Jessica's like, oh yeah, that must have been what happened last night, and I sort of felt a location when it happened. Sookie tosses her the car keys and says let's go.

The reverend finally leaves Lafayette's and Tara tells her mother that she's going to take a shower. She locks the door and starts to choke down a bottle of painkillers. When Lafayette comes home, nearly concurrently, he yells at Lettie Mae for leaving Tara alone and pounds on the bathroom door.

Things aren't going so well at the Stackhouse/Fortenberry bachelor pad: Hoyt is moping about Jessica and Jason can't get it up for the twins because every time he looks at them, he sees bullet holes in their foreheads, just like poor ol' Eggs. The girls get freaked out and leave. From the other room, Hoyt calls, "Y'all leavin'? Really nice meetin' y'all!"

Jessica has found Bill's car, upside down in the ditch: "I am a freak of fuckin' nature." They drag the remaining body out of the wreckage, noting a tattoo on the man's neck. Jessica does a quick online search at runes.com and says it's got something to do with "Operation Werewulf." Sookie: "Werewolves?"

Bill runs through the Mississippi woods (the old lady told him he was in Mississippi). He stops, surrounded by a pack of slavering wolves. One of them approaches, eyes a-glow. Bill drawls, "I should warn you - I've fed." The werewolf growls nastily and Bill's fangs pop out. He's ready for a fight.

Previously on True Blood / next time on True Blood

Mini-cap: Harsh Realm E9 "Camera Obscura"

2011-08-21T12:02:00.001-04:00

Camera obscura: A darkened chamber in which the real image of an object is received through a small opening or lens and focused in natural color onto a facing surface rather than recorded on a film or plate.

Last episode. We start in church, with a Tom-voiceover about the origins and purpose of the Harsh Realm program as a military terrorism response training program that began with a nuclear explosion in virtual reality NYC. 4.5 million digital people were obliterated in 3.2 seconds and "they were the lucky ones." The Harsh Realm world arose out of the ashes of the nuclear blast. Tom is now sifting through the ashes, looking for volunteers to help him fight against Santiago. Instead he finds a guy who wants to pay him and Pinnochio lots of gold to protect him and his family. They're living in a power plant in NYC, however, which is ground zero for the nuclear blast, so Pinnochio raises the price, despite Tom's protests that they aren't mercenaries. Well, he isn't.

When they get to Stewart's hidey hole, they learn that his family, who controls the power plant, is in a wicked feud with the McKinley clan, who controls the Federal Reserve building across the street. They eventually learn that Stewart and McKinley originally came to NYC after the fabled vault of gold under the Fed, but one of them doublecrossed the other and now it's all out war. McKinley can't get down to the vault because the elevators need electricity - hence Stewart's control of the power plant. McKinley offers to double what Stewart is paying so Pinnochio sides with him, leaving Tom in the Stewart camp. Complicating things further, Stewart's daughter and McKinley's son have a little Romeo & Juliet thing going on. Complicating things even further is the presence of a Catholic priest, horribly deformed from the radiation, who has found a data stream in his cathedral that shows him what will happen next, and he uses this information to manipulate and control the two families.

The priest tells Stewart to turn on the electricity long enough for McKinley to head down in the elevators, then turn it off, trapping him there. Thing is, it's Pinnochio and Tom who go down. They are being affected by the high levels of radiation and Pinnochio gets a little nuts, clawing at the brick walls, convinced that the vault of gold is down there. Tom ends up knocking his friend unconscious and dragging him back to the surface. There, he tells the two families that yes, the gold is down there but it is so heavily contaminated by the radiation that anyone touching it will sicken and die. The boys get in their car and leave; the two families give up their dream of gold and leave the city too, abandoning the crazy priest to shout and slobber in the deserted streets. Down below, the camera zooms in on the little hole Pinnochio made in the wall - the camera obscura shot, I presume - and the vault is full of glittering, glowing deadly gold.

And that's it. That's all she wrote on this poor little failed show. No resolution to Tom being stuck in the game, no actual progress made in hunting down Santiago, a total abandonment of the real world/Sophie storyline and worst of all, we haven't seen Dexter the digital dog in ages. Who knows, with better acting and better writing, maybe this could have worked. The source material was a comic book, but it was more a noir/detective story, unraveling mysteries in the game world, not the military focus that the television show had. I'm not inclined to go read the original but I'd be interested to hear from anyone who has how different and/or better the comic was.

Previously on Harsh Realm

Mini-cap: Harsh Realm E8 "Cincinnati"

2011-08-19T12:02:00.000-04:00

In the Harsh Realm version of Cincinnati, Ohio, Tom, Pinnochio and Florence have a man on his knees with a bag on his head. They pull off the bag: it's Santiago.

72 hours earlier: Ah, a voiceover from Tom explaining how no one has tried to stand against Santiago until Native American rebels in Cincinnati took over an army depot. Santiago sends Waters against them. Outside the city, Escalante, the Republican Guard soldier whose life Tom saved in the last episode and who is now apparently sympathetic to their cause somehow, tells the gang that Santiago is planning to assassinate the rebel leader himself. Tom sees this as an opportunity to grab Santiago for themselves.

Here's the thing - this episode is rife with those dang voiceovers, Tom droning on and on about Santiago's inner thoughts instead of trusting the audience to be smart enough to pick up on it from the acting and the story. STOP WITH THE EFFING VOICEOVERS! The rebels plan to move their leader to a safe house; Santiago plans to ambush the convoy; Tom, Pinnochio and Florence plan to ambush the ambush, laying out explosive charges. Santiago's men attack the rebel motorcade and Tom sets off the charges, blowing up shit indiscriminately. There's a firefight. They think they got Santiago but no, he's run off into the underbrush. He finds a wounded soldier who says he's got a [miraculous gadget that seals up the worst wounds]. Santiago heals the guy's gut wound, then uses the gadget to (1) grow skin over the guy's whole face, suffocating him (Fringe used that to good effect in S1) and then (2) modify his own appearance so that he sort of but not really looks like himself anymore. That's a handy gadget! Santiago runs off deeper into the forest.

Back at Capital City, Waters thinks Santiago is dead but is reluctant to take control of the army. Meanwhile, the Native American rebels think that Tom, Pinnochio and Florence, whom they have captured, are the erstwhile assassins. Also meanwhile, Santiago trades clothing and dog tags with an old guy, then leads the rebels to him and after they shoot the old guy, everyone thinks that they've really killed Santiago. The real Santiago manages to get himself a janitorial job with the rebels so he can keep an eye on their leader. The rebels decide to hang Tom, Pinnochio and Florence but Florence manages to get them all free. They and Escalante infiltrate the rebel HQ where the disguised Santiago sees his traitorous soldier and kills him.

It's kind of confusing and a little boring and I'm not really paying attention as Santiago keeps changing his identity and no one has any names. Needless to say, the Santiago with the bag over his face is not actually Santiago but the rebel second-in-command, whose identity Santiago has stolen in order to get close to the rebel leader to stab him. The rebel insurrection is quickly put down without their leader. Later, back at Capital City, Santiago puts his own face back on and demands that Waters bring him Tom and Pinnochio.

One episode left, thank goodness / previously on Harsh Realm

Book review: The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making by Catherynne M. Valente

2011-08-14T13:01:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of fantasy fiction books being published these days, it seems. Harry Potter and the Twilight insanity has opened the floodgates and there is genre fiction out there for all tastes and all ages - vampires, werecreatures, zombies, witches and wizards and faeries for children, YA and grownup sensibilities. A lot of it is rubbish, of course, but now and then a good one pops up. Catherynne M. Valente's The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making is one of the good ones.

September is the titular girl, twelve years old and living in Nebraska around the time of WWII. Her dad has gone off to fight in the war and her mom works in the factories, so September is left home alone a lot, reading fairy tales, washing teacups and generally not caring for her life very much. When the Green Wind arrives on the Leopard of Little Breezes and offers to whisk her away to Fairyland, she jumps at the chance at chance for adventure - so much so that she leaves one shoe behind.

The Green Wind instructs September in the current rules of Fairyland, put into place by its present ruler, the Marquess, a strict and scary young girl with a very fine hat: (1) no iron allowed at all (except that which binds the fairies' wings, per order of the Marquess); no alchemy except for girls born on Tuesday; (3) transportation by air only by Leopard or licensed Ragwort Stalk; (4) all travel occurs widdershins (counterclockwise); (5) rubbish takeaway every second Friday; (6) all changelings are required to wear identifying footwear; (7) no crossing the borders of the Worsted Wood except for visiting dignitaries and spriggans. Plus, the eating or drinking of Fairy food means you are bound to Fairyland for ever and ever. September, being a capable and slightly stubborn girl, thinks she can handle all that and gladly charges onward.

The first folk she meets are a couple of witch sisters and their husband, a Wairwulf, and she accepts a quest from them. As September continues on, she befriends A-through-L, a Wyvern (dragon with only two legs), and the adventures escalate from there, as they come into contact with a Golem, the Marquess, various fairies, shapeshifters, spriggans, pookas, wild bicycles, Marids (a water-based genie), talking furniture and Death, to name just a few.

TGWCFiaSiHOM is very much in the vein of Baum's Oz and Carroll's Wonderland books. The heroine is a resourceful young girl but her adventures are not easy for her and her new friends: things are scary and painful and freezing cold and near-death and very often unpleasant. Baum's and Carroll's books were much darker than the universally loved movies but even the Judy Garland version of The Wizard of Oz was frightening in spots - those horrible flying monkeys! the scary floating Wizard head! - and I remember being quite afraid when Alice fell down the well in the Disney cartoon. Valente's book skirts the line between a children's book and a YA book: there are no coming-of-age themes in TGWCFiaSiHOM that might attract a YA audience, but there is definitely enough scary stuff that the youngest readers might not be ready for.

I really enjoyed The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making. It has an old-fashioned feel without being stodgy, clings closely to traditional fairytales and yet adds its own embellishments. September is a great heroine: clever, stubborn, brave, only Somewhat Heartless and sometimes foolish. She loves Fairyland and through her, even we adults can remember how to love it too.

Mini-cap: Harsh Realm E7 "Manus Domini"

2011-08-11T01:13:00.001-04:00

Two things, before I start this mini-recap. First, "manus domini" is translated to mean "hand of God" and this episode tries to explore faith a bit, as in is there a God at work in a virtual reality made up of computer code? Second - and I'm not saying the first thing is the cause of the second thing - this was another friggin' boring-ass episode. Add that to the less than stellar acting and I can totally see why Harsh Realm was cancelled. And yet, here we are, so let's begin! Also: the third thing (there's a third thing) is that this episode is WAAAAAAAAAY heavy on Tom's effing voiceover, as he narrates a letter he's writing to Sophie, exploring the whole God-in-the-machine thing. I hate those droning voiceovers.

Tom and Pinnochio are searching for/chasing after Florence, who has taken it into her head to go sprinting off through the Maryland forest. She is searching for a group (coven/cult) of silent healing women like herself. She finds where they were, and a man is there, saying that his son is sick, can she help? Florence attempts to heal the boy but he isn't really sick; the man wallops her upside the head with a stick. When she regains consciousness, she's tied up: some scruffy thugs think she can lead them to the "sisters" - seems Santiago will not tolerate the women's healing or their faith in a higher power.

Meanwhile, the boys follow Florence's trail through a field and soon learn it's a minefield, as Pinnochio steps on a mine. Tom tries to defuse it but BOOM! They are badly hurt. The healing sisters appear, fix Tom up right there in the field, and drag Pinnochio off for further treatment. When he wakes up, in a barn somewhere, he is being tended to by a pretty young sister. Problem is, one of his legs got blown off and it is beyond their ability to heal; every time a sister heals someone, it takes a lot out of her physically - the worse the wound, the harder it is for the sister to bounce back. Pinnochio is so angry, upset, depressed about his leg. And for good reason: when he was a real-world soldier, he stepped on a mine in Yugoslavia and lost both his legs, and pretty much half his face. Soon after that, he volunteered for Harsh Realm so he could be whole again. This loss is too much for him to bear. He looks for his gun - I just need one bullet - and when the sisters look at him reproachfully, he scoffs at their belief that they are doing God's work: no God in the game!

Tom is still out in the minefield. A lone soldier, scouting for one of Santiago's squadrons, finds him and they tussle, landing on another mine. This time Tom manages to defuse it, and also gets the better of the soldier, relieving him of his gun. Tom runs off to try to find Florence and Pinnochio. He finds her but manages to get captured his own self.

Pinnochio is lurching around on a crutch, looking for another mine in the field to finish the job, sees the rest of the squadron show up. He hobbles back to the sisters and says he'll help them. When the soldiers move off, the sisters go out to the minefield and collect a bunch of mines. Later, the bad guys arrive at the farm where Pinnochio and the sisters are hiding out, Florence and Tom in tow. The bad guys step on the mines Pinnochio planted and there's a lot of gunfire, with both Pinnochio and another soldier getting shot. Florence, showing no ill will, heals the soldier. Pinnochio gets taken back into the barn where he woke up before, and the pretty sister kisses him and then regrows his leg for him. He wakes up and catches her as she falls into his arms, dead and then digitized, having sacrificed herself for him. Tom closes us out with a voiceover, saying that he (and possibly Pinnochio too) now has renewed faith.

But where was Dexter the dog in all this? That's what I'm really interested in.

Previously on Harsh Realm / next time on Harsh Realm

I done read some stuff

2011-08-07T20:06:00.000-04:00

I've sort of been casting about for another fabulous book after inhaling the Hunger Games trilogy, and haven't really been entirely enamored of anything yet. I did finally finish all the Harry Potterses and while I enjoy them, they're not incredible literature by any means (Rowling has a tendency to repeat characters' names ad nauseam which I find terribly annoying, both in books and in movies/t.v. shows - every sentence does not have to start with someone's name). My most recent conquests have been back into the realm of urban fantasy with Kitty and the Midnight Hour by Carrie Vaughn and My Life as a White Trash Zombie by Diana Rowland. Mixed results there.

Kitty and the Midnight Hour is pretty standard urban fantasy fare, starting with the cover which has a long-haired girl standing back-to, wearing a leather halter and low riders, so that her tramp stamp shows, with a snarling wolf off to the side. The titular Kitty is a werewolf DJ who finds herself accidentally running a call-in late night radio advice show for werewolves and vampires. She is struggling to find her position in her wolf pack, has pissed off all the local vampires and has a hot werewolf hunter nosing around, plus a string of dead and mutilated bodies are popping up around town which may or may not mean a rogue werewolf. There's a little rough wolfpack sex - nothing like the Anita Blake series levels, thank goodness, and hopefully the books in this series won't veer off into that soft-core format. There are a bunch of books in this series but this first one compelling enough for me to explore further, I'm afraid.

I liked My Life as a White Trash Zombie much better, largely because it seemed so new and different: girl zombies are rarely the protagonists of urban fantasy books, so I didn't feel as though this was such tired ground. Angel has a shitty house in a small Louisiana town, an alcoholic father and a drug-dealing part-time boyfriend. When she wakes up in the hospital after a car crash, she has no injuries, a mysterious job offer with the coroner's office and a strange new craving for brains. The book follows her as she tries to make sense out of what happened to her, track down a serial killer who decapitates his victims and keep herself fed enough to not disintegrate and attack living humans for their skull candy. To her surprise, she's much better off dead than she ever was alive. This is a quick, fairly funny read (Angel likes to blend her brains with tomato soup for added flavor) that puts a lively new take on a classic horror trope.

Mini-cap: Harsh Realm E6 "Three Percenters"

2011-08-04T10:30:00.002-04:00

Note: this one was a bit of a bear to recap clearly ... I'll do my best to not be too obtuse.

A family - father, mother, young daughter - stagger down a road in the Adirondacks, hungry, thirsty and tired. They've heard that a military unit has gone missing in the area and they're hoping to scavenge food/water/weapons from them. First, though, they stop at a lake and drink. That night, a mob of people approach them and there are doubles of the father and mother among them.

Turns out that Santiago's right hand guy, Waters, and his squad are searching for that missing unit ... and so are Tom, Pinnochio and Florence, who are also after possible food/water/weapons. As they search the woods, Florence finds the little girl, Lindsey; Waters's men also find a Lindsey. Tom and Pinnochio find the missing unit who claim to have lain down their weapons (deserters) and joined this peaceable camp where there's plenty of food. Meanwhile, back at the car, that mob of people - with Lindsey's parents - collect Florence and a frightened Lindsey and take them to the camp. (Dexter stays in the car.) The other Lindsey leads some of Waters's men to the lake but there's nothing there, except for a strange reflection of the soldiers that lingers after they leave.

The deserters bring Tom and Pinnochio to the creepy, well-appointed camp where they are reunited with Florence and Lindsey. After they surrender their guns, they are given big bowls of soup. Pinnochio notices that all the folks in the camp are all Stepford-y, plus no one is eating the soup. He knocks Tom's and Florence's bowls out of their hands. When the contingent of Waters's men show up and don't care about Tom and Pinnochio, the latter is all this place is right F'd up and we're leaving in the morning. That night, outside the camp, Waters finds a Lindsey who tells him that his men are in the lake. Then she digitizes and disappears. Also that night, a restless Pinnochio follows a camp woman down to the lake; his reflection gets caught in the still waters and that mob of people approaches.

In the morning, Pinnochio is all Stepford-y too and Tom finally clues in that something weird is going on. He leaves camp to try to get the car - while he's gone, Florence goes to the lake and gets her reflection caught - and he overhears Sgt. Exposition telling Waters that there's a code glitch in that lake which is part of the Harsh Realm game's 3% error rate. When Tom returns to the camp, he doesn't notice that Florence has been cultified (since she doesn't speak) and she manages to get him to the lake. It turns out that the glitch in the lake scans its victims and creates a new, weaker copy - all the zoned out campfolk - while the real people are dragged off and locked up, growing progressively weaker as their copies suck the energy out of them. Also, the real people are being hacked into pieces, limb by limb, and cooked into that damn soup. EEUW. Waters invades the camp with the remainder of his men and discovers all this, but not before one of his men eats some toe soup.

The real Tom rattles his cage. When the real Lindsey shows up, she steals the keys and lets Tom, Pinnochio, Florence and her parents out. They figure out that they have to kill off the copies to get their strength back. Tom picks a gun off of one of Waters's men and shoots his own copy, as well as his buddies' and Lindsey's folks' copies. They steal a Humvee and make their getaway as Waters's men annihilate the rest of the copies in camp. Our heroes go back to Pinnochio's car and split up the boxes of food, water and ammunition that were in the Humvee with Lindsey's family, Pinnochio grouchy at having to share. And then off to the next adventure!

Previously on Harsh Realm / next time on Harsh Realm

Mini-cap: Harsh Realm E5 "Reunion"

2011-08-01T10:30:00.001-04:00

OMG! No voice-over to start us off!! Tom and Pinnochio are in Harsh Realm's version of Columbus, Ohio, at Tom's mom's house. They get captured there and dragged off to work as forced labor for a lumber camp, run by Tobin Bell (of Saw fame, not that I've ever seen any of the Saw movies). Bell doesn't know who his newest conscripts are yet but it's only a matter of time before he checks their identities against the Most Wanted posters in his office; the boys need to escape. There are a couple of problems with that, however. The first is that all the laborers have had their noggins injected with a "skull bug," a tiny metal roboticized slug that are benign until activated by the camp guards' guns, at which point tiny blades pop out and the slug chews its way out of the victim's head, usually emerging through their forehead and effectively lobotomizing them. The second problem is that Tom's mother - or the digitized version of her - is also at the camp, sick and dying from cancer and being cared for by a kind but creepy prisoner, and Tom doesn't want to leave without her. Even though intellectually he knows she's just game code.

In the real world, someone has notified Sophie that Tom's mother is in hospital, dying of cancer. Sophie goes to spend her would-be mother-in-law's last days with her. And here, of course, we get some droning, whining voice-over from Sophie, in which she starts each sentence with Tom's name. Annoying. What is less annoying is that there seems to be some kind of connection between real Tom's mom and HR-Tom's mom, with memories spilling over between the two women somehow.

Harsh Realm. Pinnochio notices that a couple of the other prisoners are planning an escape through the camp's sewers. Tom says he's not leaving without his mom so Pinnochio heads off without him. The guards are waiting for the potential escapees, however, and the other two guys are caught, their skull-bugs activated; Pinnochio is saved by the unnamed woman whom Bell forces to wait on him. Later, Bell confronts Tom and Pinnochio, saying he is sure they know something about the escape plan and if they don't tell him, he'll turn on their skull-bugs. Tom challenges him, saying that he thinks he can beat the guards and escape; Bell's like, okay, you can try. Pinnochio is all, WTF are you doing, Tom? Tom's just trying to play for time. So, a little later, Pinnochio starts a fight with one of the guards and, with Bell's woman's help, actually defeats him. Pinnochio's skull-bug malfunctions later that night so Tom and the kind, creepy nurse-prisoner dig it out of his head for him. Then they knock another guard unconscious and use his gun-gadget to remove Tom's skull-bug. (Question: that seemed easy. Why has no one tried it before?)

Then they capture Bell and implant a skull-bug on him, take a truck and leave the camp with Tom's mom. They take her back to her old house. She dies there, Tom holding her hand - just as Tom's mom dies in the real world, Sophie holding her hand - and for just a moment, Tom and Sophie can see each other reflected in the dying women's eyes. And in the real world, as Sophie wipes her tears, a kind but creepy doctor (the same guy from the camp! how weird!) thanks her for being with Tom's mom.

BORING.

Previously on Harsh Realm / next time on Harsh Realm

We'll return to our regular programming shortly

2011-07-30T20:33:00.000-04:00

And by "regular programming" I mean "finishing up the recaps of Harsh Realm before moving on to something else - hopefully True Blood." In the meantime, I'm finding that the best thing on television these days isn't on television but Hulu.com instead: I am so loving Misfits. Yes, it's vulgar and some of the episodes are a little over the top with the sex (those crazy British t.v. shows) and the plot of the week is often wrapped up a little too tidily ... but the character work is so strong, and it's funny as hell and creepy as hell and violent as all get out. Each of the five misfits - Nathan, Simon, Kelly, Alisha and Curtis - have distinct, flawed and mostly interesting personalities (I find Alisha to be the least interesting, largely because she's been given less to do than the others), and the way they interact with each other is believable. I haven't had an emotional connection to a t.v. show like this since - True Blood, maybe? - I like these crazy people, I look forward to seeing them each week and I am interested in what they are going to do next.

Not so much with Teen Wolf. I know it's already been renewed for a second season but, really, it's quite terrible. The acting is still awful pretty much across the board and during the last episode, I felt like they left a big chunk of storyline out - everyone was acting so strangely from where they were in a prior scene. I may give up on it, just haven't yet.

Anyway, off to watch some more Harsh Realm. And you - you should go watch Misfits!

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E9 "What He Beheld"

2011-07-24T10:30:00.000-04:00

For the record, this show's canon says Judgment Day was 4/21/11. Guess we dodged a bullet there. On Judgment Day, however, fifteen year old Derek and eleven year old Kyle Reese were out playing catch in the park when the bombs went off and the machines took over.

Sarah and Cameron have an appointment to meet "Sarkissian," the Turk purchaser, in an internet cafe. John and Derek wait in the car. Derek is a little pouty about it. Sarkissian doesn't actually show up but IMs Sarah to bring $500,000 tomorrow and he'll sell her the computer.

Ellison goes to visit Charley, saying he thinks Sarah is alive and Charley knows where she is. Charley's like, I already told the other FBI guy that I don't know anything. Ellison: other FBI guy? Charley gives him Kester's name. Later, Charley swings by the Connor abode to tell her that Ellison seems ready to believe her. She kicks him the hell out - he could have led the FBI or a Terminator right to their door.

Some slick and nasty Brit stops by Carlos's place, asking about Sarah. Carlos ain't talking. The Brit chops all of Carlos's henchmen to little bitty pieces and asks again.

Sarah and Derek take the freedom fighters' diamonds with them to meet Sarkissian but have to rabbit when there are cops in the area. By the time they get home, that evil Brit is waiting for them. He's decided he wants $2 million for the Turk ... or he'll lead the FBI to their hideout. They've got twenty-four hours to come up with the cash.

Meanwhile, John and Cameron are on a museum field trip. John is mopey because his birthday is tomorrow and he thinks his mom forgot. Also, he has to explain birthdays to Cameron. She notices one of Sarkissian's thugs following them. Off camera she kills the guy and stuffs him in the trunk of his own car.

Ellison goes to FBI HQ and looks up "Kester" in the directory. He is shocked to see Lazlo's photograph. How could that guy have lied so coldly, and killed all those people, and ... it's all rather far-fetched but Ellison is beginning to think Lazlo/Kester might be a robot.

Sarah, John, Derek and Cameron track Sarkissian down. While Cameron punches down a cinder block wall to get to him, John searches an office looking for the (or any) computer. He also finds a little girl working on a coloring book while she waits for her daddy to finish work. John tells the little girl to stay where she is and be very quiet. As John tries to make his way back to the others, Sarkissian grabs him and puts a gun to his head, dragging him out to the alley. Everyone is pointing guns every which way - but Derek has his pointed at that little girl. "Not my kid," grunts Sarkissian. "Mine either," says Derek and shoots Sarkissian in the head, scaring the bejeezus out of poor John. They grab the hard drive in the office and get the hell out of there. Oh, the little girl? Her dad is a schmoe working in the restaurant out front.

The next day, the hard drive is "double encrypted" but John is working on it. Derek knows it's his birthday - they got drunk together when John turned 30 - and takes him out for an ice cream. They sit in a park, watching a couple of kids playing catch. One of the kids is about eight, the other about twelve ... John puts it together and realizes that they are watching Derek and Kyle. Grown-up Derek nods and says happy birthday, he thought John might want to see his father. John gets teary and Derek smiles. Of course he figured it out - John looks just like his dad. Plus, Sarah is just the kind of girl Kyle went for.

Ellison leads a whole squad of FBI agents to Lazlo's apartment complex. Charley, driving around in his ambulance, hears the call and the name "Kester" and heads over there. The FBI busts in and Cromartie wastes no time completely shredding them, tossing bleeding and broken agents off the balcony and into the swimming pool. Finally, he and Ellison are the only ones left. They stare at each other, the silver metal showing through gouges on Cromartie's face. Ellison realizes he has no chance and closes his eyes. Cromartie walks away, leaving him alive. By the time Charley gets there, the pool is an abbatoir and Ellison is in shock.

The hard drive begins to decrypt and they see a passport scan. It seems that "Sarkissian" is another guy, not the Brit Derek killed in the alley. John wants to keep working on the drive but Sarah wants him to come out for his birthday dinner. She's sent Cameron out to get a birthday cake too. Outside, Cameron notes a man wearing black walking down their street. She turns the key to start their car. The car explodes in a massive fireball.

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E7 "Vick's Chip"

2011-07-22T10:30:00.002-04:00

Cromartie, as Agent Kester, is searching all the L.A. schools for John. When a school administrator wants to see a court order, Cromartie just snaps the guy's neck and scrolls through the computer screens himself. [Note: "Cromartie" and "Kester" are the correct names/spellings as per this episode. I'm not going back and correcting prior recaps. Sorry.]

At dinner, Derek brings out the computer chip Cameron took from the Terminator she disabled and burned. John and Sarah are shocked that she would hide something like that from them. Derek smugly reminds them that machines can't be trusted. John and Cameron hack the chip to access the video data to see what the Terminator was up to before he killed Derek's fellow freedom fighters. It turns out that this machine's name was "Vick Chamberlain" and he was married to the L.A. city planner. They get his address off a video memory of his mail. Sarah and Derek break into Vick's house. No one has been there for a while and Derek assumes that the wife, Barbara, is dead.

Cromartie walks into a high school gym locker room and checks out all the showering boys. He's looking for an "Eric Carlson" but when he finds him, the facial scan doesn't match the one he has for John. When the gym coach complains, Cromartie tosses him into a row of lockers.

One of Vick's video memories is of him killing a woman. It never shows her face so the gang heads out to try to find out if the Terminator killed his own wife. When they find the body, it isn't Barbara but a lobbyist who had been working against one of Barbara's pet projects: a traffic system run by artificial intelligence using video cameras at all the traffic lights/intersections/etc. Cameron points out that this would be of great interest to Skynet what with all the surveillance everywhere. Derek thinks they should just blow up City Hall and be done with it but John says they should drop a virus into the program instead so Skynet thinks the program is flawed and abandons it.

The next day Cromartie arrives at John's school, this time looking for a "John Baum." Cameron sees him first and sends one of John's friends to say that he is John Baum. Cromartie scan him, determines he's not the kid he's looking for, and leaves. Later, Cameron tells John what she did and he's (1) furious that she'd put one of his friends in such danger and (2) worried that Sarah will make them move again if she knows how close Cromartie got to him. He makes Cameron promise not to tell Sarah what happened.

From Vick's chip they learn that Derek's freedom fighters were killed because one of them was tailing Barbara - and being careless about it. Derek says he didn't know anything about it. Sarah is skeptical. She and Derek head into the tunnels under City Hall (Derek knows them fairly well because he and Kyle lived down there in the future). They get into the data center and begin to upload John's virus, but the system sounds an alarm and they have to run for it. "We can still blow the place," Derek says hopefully. Sarah drags him out of there before he tries it.

Meanwhile, John and Cameron are poking around in Vick's chip some more when they inadvertently give it too much electricity and it starts to re-activate. Panicked, they pull everything apart. Sarah and Derek return with news of their failed mission but John has the brainstorm of using Cameron's chip to upload the virus into the system right through a traffic light. Derek thinks she can't be trusted not to escape into the system and possibly become the thing that becomes Skynet but John trusts her. He cuts into her head, with her telling him how to do it, and removes her chip.

Derek takes John to a traffic light and he hacks in, dumping Cameron's consciousness (?) into the system to deliver the virus. The city's traffic system freaks out and Derek and John grab the chip and bolt.

That evening, Sarah corners Derek while he's showering (!!) and tells him that she knows he killed the defenseless Andy Goode. (How does she know this?) "Lie to me again and I'll kill you," she promises. On the plus side, she finally got a call back from the guy who bought the Turk from Victor. But that's the next episode!

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E7 "Demon Hand"

2011-07-20T23:32:00.000-04:00

In a callback to T2, Cameron, dressed as a L.A. cop, breaks into a power plant, shutting down some of Los Angeles's electricity. She then goes to LAPD, searching the evidence locker for the Terminator hand that Ellison found in the aftermath of their rescuing Derek; the evidence log says that Ellison has the hand with him. When Cameron reports back to Sarah and John, Sarah sends John off to school and Cameron back out to search for Victor, Andy Goode's partner, whom they think stole the Turk.

Ellison also has Sarah's file at home with him, complete with videotaped sessions from her time in the mental hospital. The hand is in his freezer for safe-keeping. As he watches the tapes, hearing Sarah rant so committedly about the rise of the machines, it looks as though Ellison might be starting to believe what she says. Sometime later, when Ellison is out, Sarah breaks into his apartment [how does she know where he lives?] and sees her file. She takes one of the tapes with her.

It turns out that Victor's sister Maria is a ballet teacher so Cameron signs up for classes - any excuse to use Summer Glau's ballerina training, I guess. After class, a Russian thug stops by, looking for Victor.

John comes home from school to find Derek mobile and re-loading their guns. Derek starts badgering John about how he shouldn't trust Cameron, and he lets Sarah have it too when she gets back. As his mom and uncle have it out, John finds the tape Sarah liberated from Ellison's and watches it, using his headphones so his mom won't hear. His eyes fill with tears immediately. In the morning, John rushes out to school and Sarah quickly realizes that he watched the tape. She plays it: on it, she signs paperwork terminating her parental rights. But there's no time for regrets - she found the name of her shrink from the mental hospital at Ellison's apartment and if Ellison is going to talk to him, so is she.

Ellison is the first to track down Dr. Silverman, Sarah's former shrink. Silverman offers him tea, which is drugged; when Ellison comes to, Silverman has tied him to a chair and insists on slashing his leg so he can see that the agent is flesh and bone, not a machine. The doctor recalls the scene in T2 where Sarah broke out of the hospital with the aid of Arnold, fleeing the sleeker Terminator. He's a believer now (but also slightly nutso), although no one believes him because there's no proof. Ellison tells Silverman that he has proof - in a cooler in the back of his car.

When Cameron returns to the ballet studio, the Russian thug comes back too. Cameron kicks the crap out of him and tells Maria that she can help Victor. So Maria takes Cameron to her brother. She asks him about the Turk and he admits that he is in debt to the Russian mafia (or something similar) and sold the computer for the money. He gives her the name of the guy he sold it to; Cameron turns and walks out. As more Russian mobster burst in, Maria shrieks that Cameron was going to help them! But our girl just leaves as shots and screams echo down the hall.

Silverman goes out and retrieves the hand from Ellison's car, and then immediately sets out to burn his house down, with Ellison inside, so that Ellison doesn't get in the way of Sarah's mission. He walks out to find Sarah there. He is overjoyed to see her; she flattens him with one punch. When the fire bursts a window, she hears Ellison screaming for help. She goes inside the burning house, extends her hand to Ellison and drags him out. While he's still unconscious, she takes the hand and leaves the men behind.

That night, Sarah explains to her son that the day she signed those papers was the day she decided to break out of the mental hospital (coincidentally the day John broke in to save her) because she couldn't bear what she'd done in relinquishing her rights. "I will always find you," she murmurs, and John nods, saying "I'll always find you" back to her. They bond over burning the hand with thermite.

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E6 "Dungeons and Dragons"

2011-07-18T23:38:00.001-04:00

Note: half of this episode is in flashback form, Derek's POV. Rather than bounce back and forth between the flashback time and the show's now, I'm going to follow the now all the way through and then do the flashback.

Now. We pick up right where we left off, with Charley working furiously to save Derek's life. Understandably, he rants a little bit to the Connors about WTF happened over the last eight years since they supposedly blew themselves up in that bank vault. The Connors and Cameron explain to him - off-camera - about the Terminators and, when confronted with the battered chassis of the Terminator that shot Derek/they disabled and apparently brought with them (except for his left hand which Agent Ellison has), manages to take it all in stride. He does need a beer though.

Derek starts flailing a bit and Charley tells the gang that he needs three units of AB negative blood (very rare). John says they should test him and since he's a match what with being a relative and all, they hook him up to Derek for a direct transfusion. Charley pieces together that Kyle Reese, Derek's brother, about whom Derek keeps ranting in his delirium, is John's brother - funny how Cameron hasn't figured that out yet.

As Cameron skins out the Terminator and sprinkles thermite on its metal frame, Charley pauses to try to talk to her. He eventually flees after calling her a "very scary robot." Sarah comes out to tell Cameron that she is to stay away from Charley and not hurt him. She tasks Cameron to tracking down the missing hand since it is imperative that all bits and pieces of this Terminator get destroyed. (Um, what about the one you all left stranded behind the blast doors at that army depot?) Cameron nods, but then pockets the chip she pulled out of the Terminator's head when she shut him down.

Charley says goodbye to Sarah and hands her "Agent Kestler's" (Cromarty's) business card, letting her know that they're still being hunted. When Derek arises to some vague consciousness, John is there, talking quietly to him about Kyle ... but still not letting his uncle know that they're kin.

Flashback to Derek's when. Down in the freedom fighters' tunnels, Derek and Kyle shoot the shit before being sent topside by an unseen John to suss out the machines' latest secret weapon. Says another soldier, "Don't they have enough weapons? Why do they need a secret one?" Topside is hellish, post-apocalyptic, and the Reese brothers glimpse what looks like a huge jet engine being dragged off by the machines. More machines open fire, the brothers get separated and Derek gets captured.

He comes to, chained to the floor of an old house, along with numerous other humans. Terminators periodically drag off the dead bodies. One of the other imprisoned humans confesses to being Andy Goode, to having been part of the team that built Skynet. Derek is skeptical but files this information away for future reference. After an unknown period of time - and various off-camera torture sessions - the prisoners wake up to find the machines gone and an ax on the floor next to them, just perfect for striking off their chains. Derek rushes out to the secret passage into the tunnels but it is blasted wide open, flames everywhere.

Down below, the tunnels are empty and there are signs of fighting. A couple of guys on patrol show up and gladly tell the escapees what happened: the machines attacked so John cleared his people out. The resistance attacked a research facility and both John and Kyle went inside on some secret mission, but only John came back out. Derek is not happy to hear this and wants to know WTF happened to his brother. Just then, Cameron walks up and Derek freaks out, shooting at her and shouting about the loose machines. The guy in charge ("Doctore" from Spartacus!) tells him to chill: John is capturing the Terminators and reprogramming them. Derek doesn't think that's particularly safe, and his fears are confirmed later when one of the reprogrammed machines flips out and shoots up the joint. Cameron steps up and blows the faulty Terminator to bits, saving Derek. He doesn't look that grateful, to be honest.

Sometime later, Cameron tells Derek that John wants to see him. She takes him to a room where a blazing ball of lightning and light crackles. Afterwards, Derek tells three other freedom fighters about John's plan to send them back twenty years to fix the mistakes. He gives ol' Andy Goode a meaningful glance. Derek and the other three freedom fighters come through to the past, naked and gasping at the sight of all that civilization.

One more flashback, to just a couple weeks from the show's now. Andy Goode, in his chess competition hotel room, looks up as the door opens. It's Derek, who calmly shoots Andy dead, hoping to have stopped him from inventing Skynet. Guess he lied to Sarah about that after all.

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Mini movie review: 127 Hours

2011-07-13T22:17:00.000-04:00

127 Hours* is absolutely amazing in that it is a movie that Mr. Mouse has repeatedly requested that I get and we both liked it. It is the slightly movie-fied true story of Aron Ralston who, whilst solo hiking in Canyonlands National Park, got his hand trapped by a rock in Bluejohn Canyon and ended up SPOILER cutting off his own arm to save his life. Directed by Danny Boyle (I looooove Danny Boyle: Shallow Grave, Trainspotting, 28 Days Later, Sunshine ... I haven't seen Slumdog Millionaire or Millions yet) - who has yet to find a genre he can't do - 127 Hours is a short (94 min.), taut little film. It is to James Franco's credit, however, that we are even able to bear what is basically an hour and a half of a guy standing trapped in a slot canyon; Franco is on screen always and does a wonderful job. I remember reading that when this movie came out, people were fuh-reaking out about the self amputation: fainting at the sound effects and getting sick from the gore. Maybe I've seen too many horror movies but I didn't think it was all that horrific - and even Mr. Mouse, who is NOT a horror film fan, had no problem with it.

The one issue we had with the movie is that it didn't really let you know what Ralston was feeling - how horrible his legs must have felt after standing in one position for all that time, for example - but I don't know how they could have done that other than the actor talking about it, and that wouldn't work. I suspect we'll probably read Ralston's book to get the full story, but that's a pretty minor quibble about a solid film.

* Filmed entirely on location in Canyonlands and in a sound stage in SLC ... Utah represent!

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E5 "Queen's Gambit"

2011-07-11T23:07:00.001-04:00

Blah blah blah flashback. In the now, Cromarty-Lazlo knocks on Charley's door, posing as an FBI agent and asking questions about his history with Sarah Connor, a/k/a Reese. Charley tells Cromarty-Lazlo (I think I'll just stick with "Cromarty" from here on out) that he doesn't know anything about Sarah "Connor" and the Sarah Reese he was engaged to died in explosion eight years ago. Cromarty gives him a business card and leaves, amazingly without killing anyone. Charley's wife looks like she might, though.

Andy calls Sarah to let her know that he's rebuilt his computer and has entered Turk II in a computer chess tournament in Pasadena, in case she wants to see him in action. She does, and heads to the tournament, telling John and Cameron to meet her there after school. When she gets there, Andy is all a-flutter since the tourney winner gets a military contract for their computer. Dun dun dun dun! Sarah watches the match, noting a scruffy-looking guy lurking in the shadows. Andy's doing really well ... until he isn't, and the Japanese team wins the tournament.

Penny (Charley's wife, but I don't know her name so I'm just going with her name from Lost) tells her husband that she knows he lied to the FBI agent. He confesses that he saw John. She gets very upset, reminding him that Sarah is dangerous.

After the Turk II loses, Sarah wonders what to do - since how can the Turk II become SkyNet if it didn't win the contract. She goes to see Andy and bumps into the scruffy guy - Brian Austin Green, having left all traces of David Silver behind him and looking dang hot - coming out out of Andy's room. Inside, Andy is dead. Sarah goes chasing after BAG and they have a big ol' fight. The cops show up and Sarah scarpers, watching BAG get cuffed and hauled away.

The next day, John hacks into the LAPD system and they determine that BAG is the fourth freedom fighter. Cameron says that in the future, BAG is one of John's best soldiers. Unbeknownst to our heroes, however, the Terminator that killed the other three freedom fighters and then escaped has also hacked into the LAPD system, who really ought to upgrade their firewall or something. This Terminator recognizes BAG and sets out to do something about it. [For those keeping score, there are three Terminators extant at this point: Cromarty, the freedom-fighter-killer and the powered-down one that Cameron locked behind the blast doors.]

Ellison interrogates BAG. He shows him photos of all the bodies thus far that are linked by the splashes of Terminator blood (the freedom fighters, the plastic surgeon, the British research guy, etc.). Ellison asks what he thinks and BAG replies, "We're all going to die." Cheery! Ellison thinks that BAG has more to say and wants him transferred to FBI custody from the LAPD. Out in the hall, the FF-killing Terminator has managed to get himself arrested and brought to LAPD. Uh-oh!

Sarah poses as a lawyer, I guess, and goes to see BAG. He is unhappy to see her, saying that she's taking an unnecessary risk coming here. He also tells her that he didn't kill Andy - he was already dead when BAG went to his room to try to steal the Turk II. By the way, whoever killed Andy took the computer, so they both (Sarah and BAG) failed in their missions. He tells her to go find Andy's partner; he'll deal with the Terminator that is after him. Also, he's Kyle Reese's brother, Derek. But he doesn't know that Kyle is John's father because of time-travel/keeping secrets/whatever.

The Terminator busts out of its cell easily, looking for Derek. Luckily, Derek is already on the transport truck. En route, he gets loose of his cuffs. Sarah, John and Cameron break him out of the truck but the Terminator is right on top of them. There's a big fight: Derek gets shot; Cameron manages to pull the chip out of the Terminator's head and that brings him down. They take Derek back to their house but he's in really bad shape. When John wants to know why he should be worried about this total stranger bleeding to death on the kitchen table, Sarah tells him that Derek is his uncle. At this point, Derek needs a doctor but they don't dare take him to a hospital. John runs off, leaving his mom to try to keep the bleeding under control, and eventually brings Charley, EMT that he is, back to the house. After Sarah and Charley exchange "holy frigging shit" looks, Charley goes to work on Derek.

In other news, whilst questioning the transport cops on how two 110-pound women managed to make off with his prisoner, Ellison finds the Terminator's torn off hand under a pile of wreckage. Dun dun dun dun!

Humor: as Sarah, John and Cameron jump in the car at some point, John says, "I call shotgun." Without skipping a beat, and deadpan as only a Terminator can do it, Cameron says, "I call 9mm."

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E4 "Heavy Metal""

2011-07-08T10:30:00.002-04:00

We open with a plastic surgeon getting a visit from the reconstructed Terminator: the machine wants a new face because the one he just grew out of that blood solution is a bit too monsterish.

At the Connor house/HQ, John is sad and distracted, thinking about Jordan, a girl from school who killed herself (there was some weird graffiti going up at school and had something to do with her - like she was molested by a teacher or something - and she just couldn't take it anymore, and jumped off the roof of the gym right in front of all the students) - he blames Cameron for not letting him try to stop her from jumping. Cameron has more important things to discuss, however: she's found video footage from the night the three of them jumped forward from 1999 and in the background is the disembodied Terminator head. So the reassembled Terminator is Cromarty, then. Sarah and Cameron think they should make a run for it but John throws a small hissy fit, whingeing that Sarah promised him that this time they would stay and fight.

Also, there's a shipment of a special alloy coming in to port today - the alloy from which the Terminators are made - and they think that Cromarty might try to take it. They grab the shotguns and the C-4 and go check it out. They find a bunch of bodies and realize that the truck has been hijacked by a different crew. That's weird, thinks Sarah, since when does Cromarty work with humans? Then they see the Terminator - and it's not Cromarty.

Ellison finds the plastic surgeon dead in his office, with used instruments and some of that not-human blood solution in the drain. A photograph is up on the computer screen, showing the new face Cromarty has taken: that of "George Lazlo," a former patient. He brings Lazlo in for questioning. Lazlo (and Cromarty) are played by Garrett Dillahunt, who is fabulously creepy as always. Ellison coerces a blood sample from Lazlo - who calls him a fascist - then lets him go. Lazlo returns to his apartment and is nearly immediately visited by Cromarty. Holding Lazlo by the throat, Cromarty checks the resemblance - it's perfect - then snaps Lazlo's neck.

John wants to charge right in and fight the new Terminator but Sarah and Cameron think that's reckless. When the two women get in the car, John wriggles through an open window of the warehouse to plant a tracking device on the truck carrying the alloy. He gets trapped, however, and is still in the truck when the Terminator drives off. An armed guard catches Sarah and Cameron peeing in the the windows and pulls a gun on them. Sarah walks up to him, hands up, and asks, "Have you seen a dachshund puppy?" and then beats him into unconsciousness. Awesome. It's too late, though, as the truck and John are gone.

Back at the house, Sarah is panicking as Cameron tries to track John's cell phone. On the truck, John is also panicking a bit but still manages to bash the guard's head in with a chunk of alloy. His attempt to pick the lock is less successful. Sarah and Cameron go back to the warehouse and pound on the guard guy some more until he agrees to drive them to the army depot where the alloy is being taken. On the way there, the women leave the poor guy standing in the middle of a mine field.

When the truck pulls into a bomb shelter at the army depot, John is able to sneak off and hide, where he watches "Carter," the Terminator, kill the men who were helping him and then seemingly shut down as the blast doors close. As Carter just stands there, John finds a phone and calls his mom, who is right outside with Cameron. Cameron confirms that it'll take Carter 15 seconds to reboot from his "stand-by" mode once he is triggered awake. Sarah tells her son to open the blast doors and then run. One problem: the key to the doors is around Carter's neck. John manages to get the key without waking the Terminator and gets the door open. He and his mom drive out in the truck while Cameron fights with Carter. They lock him in behind the blast doors - where he will presumably go into stand-by again, as the closing doors seems to be his trigger - and drive away.

Ellison pays Lazlo/Cromarty a visit at Lazlo's apartment. He tells Lazlo/Cromarty that someone may be trying to steal his identity - why would someone steal my identity? wonders L/C - and leaves a business card with him. Surprisingly, Lazlo/Cromarty just lets him go.

Cameron sends the truck and its alloy cargo off a cliff and into the ocean; she secretly keeps one bar of the alloy, however, and looks at it that night in her room. John sits down to try to finish his homework that night. His hands are shaking - it was a big day.

Note: I think this show is finally starting to find itself, inserting some small, subtle humor in this episode: when Sarah tells the guard guy he can leave if he can get past Cameron, the guy advances on the girl confidently ... and then there's a cut to the guy driving them to the army base, giving Cameron terrified little sidelong glances and Cameron just gives him a tiny smile. And later, Sarah, watching John struggle to get the truck into gear while Carter advances on them, says “If you’re going to save the world, you’re going to have to learn how to drive stick.”

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Recap: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - S1E3 "The Turk"

2011-07-06T10:30:00.002-04:00

Sarah pages through the SkyNet intel retrieved from the dead freedom fighters' safe while John and Cameron go off to school. They have to walk through a metal detector to get in, which of course Cameron sets off; John tells the guard that she's got a metal plate - a big one - in her head. Here's an issue I have: in E1, Cameron was a very natural-acting girl but now, just a couple of episodes later, she's way more stilted and Terminator-like. What's that all about?

Sarah visits Teresa Dyson at Miles's grave, showing her some photos to see if she recognizes anyone who might have been interested in Miles's Cyberdyne work. There's one guy Teresa knows: Andrew Goode, who interned at Cyberdyne some years ago. Teresa asks if Andy's going to have to die too and, when the answer is "maybe," tells Sarah to make it count then.

The reassembled and masked/hooded Terminator breaks into a hospital and steals a lot of blood bags. Later, it breaks into the apartment of a British-accented scientist and gives him a complicated formula. Once he gets over his fright, the British scientist is fascinated and thinks that yes, yes, he just might be able to grow muscle tissue and skin from this. The Terminator tells him to get on it.

Sarah finds Andy Goode working at a cell phone store. She buys three phones from him and he asks her out. Sarah has zero sense of humor and can barely flirt, but she agrees to dinner and even shaves her legs before heading out on the date. In another part of town, Agent Ellison pays Carols (Enrique's nephew) a visit to ask about why he and his uncle spoke on the phone three times the day Enrique was killed. Carlos isn't interested in talking to the feds, however.

After dinner at Andy's apartment (who does that, goes to a guy's house for dinner when you only ever talked to him in a cell phone store? Bad ass Sarah Connor does, I guess), Andy proudly shows Sarah this fancy computer he's built, "The Turk," which is a chess-playing computer that sometimes seems to think for itself. Andy thinks it's pretty damn cool; Sarah, of course, is slightly disturbed but plays it cool. She does notice movement outside the window but when she runs out to check, she can't see the guy hiding in the trees watching her. We can't really see this guy either but he does have a barcode tattooed on his forearm (like the dead freedom fighters did) so I'm thinking this is the fourth guy who got away. Later, John interrogates his mother about the Turk, although she can't answer all the technical questions he has. John, computer genius/hacker that he is, is frustrated. Cameron, ever practical, notes that Andy will have to be killed.

At the British scientist's apartment, the tissue growth solution is ready. The Terminator disrobes down to his metal chassis - which the scientist takes in stride remarkably well, considering THAT'S A FRICKIN' SENTIENT KILLER ROBOT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM - and climbs into the bathtub full of the red goo.

Flames fill the night sky and Sarah watches from a hiding spot in the tree as Andy watches his house - and the Turk - burn to the ground. She has a small smile because she thinks she's solved the problem without having to kill anyone. Time will tell, I think.

Ellison and the cops are investigating at the British scientist's apartment: the scientist is dead, his eyes torn out, and there is blood (or bloody solution) all over. And then EEEEEUUUUWWWW! In a flashback (?), the Terminator rises up out of the tub, dripping with the solution and covered in new flesh. And the British scientist guy watches excitedly, then helps to slice the Terminator's eyelids open. The machine's decidedly non-human eyes glow red and now we know how the scientist ended up losing his.

Previously on T:TSCC / next time on T:TSCC

Are you guys watching Misfits?

2011-07-04T16:25:00.000-04:00

Because, seriously, you should be. It's a British Heroes that doesn't at all (so far) suck, plus sex and nudity and lots of swearing and, in the first episode, complete with a 28 Days Later-esque rage-zombie. Doesn't that sound like so much fun?

The premise is this: a disparate group of young people (early 20s, I guess, since none of them are in high school) are given community service sentences for various crimes and meet up at a London (?) community center. As they and their probation officer head outside to paint some park benches, a strange and violent storm rolls in, dropping huge chunks of hail. The storm also hits them with a bolt of lightning and when they all wake up, they've got various superpowers, which seem to be based on things they regret about their lives. Hijinks ensue, people die and we're off to the races.

Seriously, I'm not going to tell you any more than that because you really should watch it yourselves. The main characters are well cast: multi-racial, with multi-socioeconomic backgrounds, interesting body types and faces, and strong (and in some instances, difficult for the non-Brit to understand) accents. These aren't your typical too-gorgeous-to-be-real Hollywood actors: they could be real people. The show is not for children as it's violent and bloody, full of f-bombs and fairly graphic sex - not quite True Blood level but close. But it's also very funny in places. Things do not work out for our characters - things are difficult for them and are not solved in one episode - nor are we told everything about all of them all at once. I think it's way fun.

Misfits is a British import and is found on Hulu, with new episodes being dropped every Monday. Go check it out.